Our first daughter Madison was born in August 2001. Just 4 days after my 26th birthday. I was able to spend 11 wonderful and fun-filled months home with her before I was due to return to work. In July 2002, I learned through an abnormal pap smear that I had what was called cervical dysplasia.
My obstetrician performed a LEEP procedure to remove the infected tissue but another exam afterwards had shown that the dysplasia was more invasive. I was sent to the local cancer clinic for further treatment and in October I then had a cone biopsy. We were on pins and needles waiting for the results to come back from the biopsy. The doctor explained every possible outcome to me. But if the test showed that I indeed had cervical cancer, I would then need a complete hysterectomy. This is what scared me the most. Madison brought so much joy and happiness to our lives and we wanted to share our love with another child. I was so afraid that I could never again have another baby. My fertility was something that I had always taken for granted and just expected that I could have as many children as I wanted. I prayed to God every night that I would be given a clean bill of health and that we could have another child. And my prayers were answered!!
The test results showed that the surgery had been successful and our doctor gave us the go-ahead to start trying for another baby.

I had wanted to conceive again in March; with the hopes of having a baby due in December. Brad would be celebrating his 30th birthday this year and I thought how special this Christmas would be if we could be welcoming home our new little bundle of joy. And talk about great timing. Five months after my surgery, we learned I was expecting our second child.

One of the many pregnancy tests we took after the doctor said I wasn't pregnant.

This pregnancy seemed so much easier and different than my first.
But I was concerned about what effect the cervical surgeries would have on my pregnancy. I researched everything I could on cervical incompetence and all the signs told me I could be at risk for premature labor. I expressed my concerns with both my family doctor as well as my obstetrician. I was given 2 very early ultrasounds to help date the pregnancy and to check on the strength of my cervix. It was shown that my cervix had alot of scar tissue and my OB felt I was more at risk of not being able to deliver vaginally than of having an incompetent cervix. At my 18 week ultrasound, everything appeared to be progressing normally and the baby was measuring right on with my dates. The doctor gave us an expected due date of December 30th, which was also Brad's 30th birthday! As this baby was to be our last addition to the family, we wanted the baby's gender to be a surprise.
We were so excited at the thought of welcoming home our surprise baby around Christmas time.




This is how we told Daddy the big news!

But one Friday in August, while I was at work, I felt that something wasn't quite right. I felt as though I really needed to go to the washroom and felt a trickle. I chalked it up to incontinence since I had given birth before, and felt that the baby was probably just extending extra pressure on my bladder. I wanted to leave work to have it checked with my doctor but I was so afraid of getting into trouble if I left work and felt that I may have been over reacting if it was as simple as my bladder leaking.
The next day,a beautiful sunny summer morning in August, Brad and I took Maddie to a wading pool near the lake. I waddled proudly around the pool with my maternity bathing suit on and took every opportunity to pat my growing belly and talk to my little one inside me. I felt such strong kicks and movements and I remember asking if he/she was too hot from the sun. When we got ready to leave, I found myself getting mild contractions and it hurt to climb up into the van. We passed by the hospital on the way home and there was a part of me that wanted to ask Brad to pull in so I could get checked out. But I didn't say a word and sat in silence trying to breathe to make the contractions go away. I never ever thought that something could happen to our baby.

At home I felt some more pains and decided that I needed to lie down for a nap. Brad took Maddie to her room for her nap and he went downstairs to lie on the couch. The pains kept coming and as I rolled on my side to help relieve some of the pain, the next thing I knew my water had broken! I stood up to go to the bathroom and I was horrified to see all the blood around me. I sat on the toilet and screamed for Brad to come and help me. I didn't know what was happening. I thought at first that I was having a miscarriage and I was afraid to look into the toilet for fear of seeing our baby in there. But I could feel something in my vagina and I just knew in my heart that that was our baby so close to coming out. Brad finally made his way upstairs. He ran into the bathroom and was shocked at the sight of me and all the blood. I will never forget the terrified look on his face. He ran to get Maddie out of bed and I made my way to the van. We called Brad's parents on the way down and asked them to meet us at the hospital to take Maddie. The whole way there, I prayed to God to let everything be ok and for our baby to still be alive.

I walked into emergency and exlained that my water broke. They asked for my paper work and I tried to tell them that I shouldn't be in labor yet since I wasn't due for another 4 months. Then they had me walk, yes walk, up to L&D.
Once there I was able to change into a gown and get out of my bloody clothes, but all I wanted was the doctor to come and examine me to make sure our baby was still alive. Finally after a half hour, the doctor on call came in. He asked if I knew whether or not our baby was still living and I had no idea at this point since no one had hooked me up to any monitors or done anything except change my sheets.

When they placed the doppler on my abdomen I heard the beautiful sounds of our baby's hearbeat. Beating as strongly as it had always. Just for that moment I had a glimpse of hope that everything would be ok. But just as quickly as everything else had happened, that beautiful hearbeat begin to fade. The doppler was taken away and the doctor explained that I would be having my baby that very day. First we had to confirm exactly how far along I was in my pregnancy. According to my most recent ultrasound, I was only 22 weeks.

The doctor explained that if I had been 24 weeks, I would have been taken for an emergency c-section considering that 24 weeks can be considered a viable age with a better chance of survival for the baby. But time was not on our side. All I could do was wait until my contractions got stronger and it was time to deliver our baby.

I don't even know exactly when our baby's heart stopped beating. The doppler was never placed on me again and all I could concentrate on was the intense pain that I felt and how I was trying to be so strong for my family. I even refused any pain medication offered to me. I felt like such a failure and that no amount of pain could ever compare to the pain I felt inside.
Brad and I were asked what we wanted to do if our baby was born alive. We were told that the chances of a 22 week baby surviving were very small. And even then, there would likely be months and months of care in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) or bigger problems down the road. I wanted them to do everything in their power to save our baby. If there was a chance for our baby, than I wanted that chance. But it was not our decision to make.

After 3 hours of labor and painful pushing, our second child, our baby girl was born at 5:17pm on August 24,2003. The nurse took her right away to the bassinet to check to see if she was alive. I watched as they poked and prodded her limp and lifeless body. After we knew for sure that she was gone, we then asked if we had a boy or girl. Whenever I asked big sister Maddie if Mommy was having a baby boy or baby girl, she would always respond,"baby girl." And how right she was!
Brad held our little girl in his hand and looked down at her. I asked what we should name her and he said, Morgan. It was a name that we both loved. A beautiful name for a beautiful girl. As I looked at our dear sweet baby girl,I could not believe the resemblance between Morgan and Maddie. And she was so perfect in every way. Just too tiny and arriving too early to survive. We were devastated and in such shock that the very same morning, we were enjoying our family time and anxiously awaiting Morgan and then... our world came crashing down around us and we lost our precious daughter so suddenly.We were so thankful to have the time with her in the hospital. We held her for as long as we wanted and the hospital even took pictures. That is all I have of her now.

We held Morgan's funeral 4 days after she went to Heaven. We were surrounded by our family and friends who love and care for us and whose hearts were aching over the loss of our child. We were sent many beautiful flower arrangements and heartfelt sympathy cards. It made such a difference to us to know that we were not alone in our grief and that we had so many loving friends to turn to for comfort.

After the funeral we needed answers. My OB still didn't feel that our loss was due to an incompetent cervix even though I did. He was suspicious that I may have had a rare blood clotting disorder which may have led to the placental abrubtion. But after 3 repeated blood tests, the results were negative for APS.
When I finally went in for an internal exam months after we had lost Morgan, it was shown that my cervix was indeed partially open, meaning that it had weakened sometime during my pregnancy. My doctor then diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix.

It has been 4 months since we lost our precious daughter and the pain and heartache is still there and will be forever. I found that Christmas has been the most difficult time for me this year as that would have been when our daughter was due to arrive and join our family. I think constantly of the "what if's" and "might have been's." And I blame myself for the decisions I did or didn't make. I always wonder if things might have worked out differently if I had left work that day to see my doctor, or if I had told Brad to take me to the hospital. I always wonder if my daughter could have been saved if I had made different choices. I know that no amount of guilt or regret or pain will ever bring her back but it doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with. If I could do it all over again differently I would. I would do anything in the world to have my little girl back in my arms again.
I've been told that everything happens for a reason and I try to believe that.I just wish I could understand the reason why she was taken from our perfect and loving family.

And it hurts when no one wants to talk about our loss or even mention Morgan's name for fear of "hurting" us or bringing up the pain. Trust me, I could never hurt anymore than I already do. Just to have someone ask how I am doing or to have them mention Morgan's name, helps me to heal. I love to talk about my daughter. She is a part of my life and my family and always will be. She is our beautiful little guardian angel watching over us from up above. She is now safe in the arms of Jesus.

Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms.


As I'm sitting in my chair
I find myself in deep despair
Whatever was it that I had done
To lose my unborn little one

I wanted you so very much
To love, to cuddle, to feel your touch
Your little fingers, your little toes
How much I miss you, no one knows

God now has you up above
My little angel that I still love
I'll think about you everyday
Forever in my heart you'll stay

As you are now with all the rest
My little angel,
night, night
God Bless
Click here to read some beautiful poems


Please click here to visit the beautiful memorial page in honor of Morgan, put together by my friends on the 2001 August Mommies board