He didn’t know where he was going, or why he was headed there. All Nick Carter knew was that he had to get out of Los Angeles. So after spending one long summer day in the recording studio, Nick threw his guitar in the back of his car and started to drive. East.

With no destination in mind, he continued to drive. Drive past the city limits, past the suburbs. Into the desert. He drove until miles and miles of desert highway stretched before and ahead of him. The sights were all a blur- the cactuses, the tumbleweeds, the abandoned houses and road signs. For someone who didn’t know where he was headed, Nick drove with the one-track mind of someone in a rush.

But what was he in the rush from? Even Nick didn’t know. He had a life back in Los Angeles. A life he enjoyed. A record to record. Appearances to make. Press to please. People were depending on him. And he left without saying a word to anyone.

His phone had been ringing off the hook since the drive began. People wanted to know where he was. People were worried about him. People loved him. But Nick couldn’t hear the ringing. All he could hear was the sound of the open road: the wind rushing by his ears, the sound of his tires rotating down the highway.

He wasn’t sure how long it was before he stopped. He had driven into the night, he was sure of that. But how many nights? How many hours had he been driving in a trance? He couldn’t be positive. But it took a roadside diner in his peripheral vision to cause Nick to bring the car to a halt.

The diner was nothing special. He’d already passed hundreds just like it on his journey. But the building was calling to Nick. Begging him to stop, if only for just a moment.

He kept close to the walls as he entered. He wanted to take in the scene, without being a part of it. The site was what one would expect it to be. Just a good old Southwestern crowd. Tight jeans and cowboy boots, hairstyles which too closely resembled mullets.

Nick slid into a vinyl booth by the window. Sunlight streamed in through the glass, causing him to blink and rub his eyes. The tunnel-vision he’d been living in since he left L.A. was finally lifted, and Nick was seeing the world for the first time in God knows how long.

Nick reached for the plastic-laminated menu, stuck in between the napkin holder and the sugar shaker. It was sticky, and Nick wondered how many other people had touched it in anticipation of a meal. His stomach groaned, loudly. Nick looked around to see if anyone noticed. They hadn’t. It was a good thing he stopped when he did. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d last eaten.

Nick’s brow furrowed as he focused his attention on the printed words of the menu. Suddenly the decision of a stack of flapjacks or a steak-and-eggs breakfast became the most important choice he had to make. So important, he didn’t notice the approaching footsteps.

She stood above him for a moment, notebook and pen in hand, staring down at the man in front of him. She couldn’t believe he was actually there. No matter where she was, he always seemed to find her. He’d slimed down a bit since she’d last seen him. Not that it mattered. He looked good at any weight.

She cleared her throat. “So, Nickolas Carter, you find me again.”

His head shot up from the menu. He knew that voice anywhere. He could hardly believe it, but there she was before him. Again. This time she was in a uniform. A beige, button-front dress, short white apron covering her lap. Her hair was twisted into a messy bun, fastened against her head with a couple of dull pencils. And the shoes. Those awful, white, orthopedic shoes. He would never understand how someone could put a girl that beautiful in those God-awful shoes.

It was the nametag attached just over her left breast which held his attention. Tahnie. One little word somehow seemed to enter his life again and again, just when he needed it. Nick had no idea what this encounter would bring.

“Tahnie, what are you doing here?” He found himself asking.

“What do you think? I’m working, darling.” Tahnie explained. “The better question would be what are you doing here?”

And for the first time, Nick understood why he up and left Los Angeles so abruptly. “I had to see you.”

Tahnie nodded. She understood. She always did. “My shift is over in 45 minutes. I’ll bring you something to eat to keep you occupied until then.”

He watched her as she disappeared into the kitchen with his order. The way her small hips swayed with each step she took. The erect way she held her back, forever balancing an invisible book on her head. Her thin frame made her look like a pixie. A pixie only a few inches shorter then himself. Watching her move around the dingy diner reminded Nick of their first encounter, so many years before.

They were both seventeen years old. He was in Jersey, on the way to New York, to do press for the release of their first American album. She had just dropped out of high school, ran away from home. She was barely supporting herself from the meager tips she made.

“You’re too beautiful to be working here,” he’d told her. It wasn’t a line. It was the truth. She was better then the smoky roadside truck stop. “Come to New York with us. Any modeling agent will sign you on the spot.”

She shook her head. “Not everyone dreams of the high life. Some people are satisfied without fame and fortune.”

But she wasn’t satisfied. Why else would she move from diner to diner every few months? She’d made her way down the East Coast, and across the South, with a detour in the Midwest. She was rapidly approaching the Pacific Ocean, and Nick had to wonder where she would go from there.

She immerged an hour later from the back room, changed out of her dreadful uniform. She could put an outfit together unlike any other person she’d met. Yet she shopped only at thrift stores and Wal-Mart. She refused to spend more then twenty dollars on anything. It was against her principles.

“You’re tie is on the wrong way,” Nick teased, tugging on the length of material around her neck.

She shook her head. “No, its not. I meant it to be that way. It draws attention to my back and away from my chest.”

She spoke often of her chest. How small it was. He saw the envious way she would look at more well-developed women. He would tell her she was beautiful, and she would ignore him. He loved her just the way she was, A-Cup and all. Her small breasts gave him a more focused area to center his kisses on.

She’d been his first sexual encounter. He was clumsy and unsure of himself. She put him to ease, teaching him the ways of lovemaking. Others noticed the change in the way he carried himself after their first night together. He was more confident in his own skin, more easily able to induce screams from little girls. But he was still young, with a lot to learn. He’d left a fifty-dollar bill in the room. He meant it to be a tip, from his meal earlier in the day. She misunderstood, and felt like a prostitute. And that had been their first fight.

He’d gone back to the diner to apologize, days later. But it was too late. She’d already moved on down the road in her Volkswagen van. He cried uncontrollably, and no one knew why. He’d just lost the only girl he’d ever loved.

But there were no tears or angry words as they got into Nick’s car. There never was at first. Past deeds were always forgotten when they reunited. It had been a year since they’d last seen each other. She was working at a restaurant in Dallas, where he was in town for the Black & Blue tour. It was only weeks after AJ was let out of rehab, an event which had caused Nick to reflect upon his many open wounds. Tahnie made him forget about that, if it was only for one night.

He was trying to drive and keep his cool. Not let it show how ecstatic he was to see her. Thank God for sunglasses. His shades were dark enough that she couldn’t notice how often his pupils darted. Road. Tahnie. Road. Tahnie…

“Fuck, its good to see you,” Tahnie commented. She sat sideways in her seat, looking directly at Nick’s profile. A pleasant smile pulled the corners of her pretty mouth upwards. Her expression made Nick’s heart melt in the way that he could so easily do to his fans. Every since the very beginning, he had never quite felt deserving of Tahnie’s affection. She was too beautiful, too independent. Too experienced. But she loved him, inferior as he often felt he was.

“I heard you got arrested.” She’d reached into her bag and pulled out a cigarette. Nick rarely smoked, he didn’t want to damage his voice. But the smell of Tahnie lighting up was about as intoxicating as it came. He reached over and took a drag from her.

“It was all a mistake. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time,” Nick tried to explain.

“You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Nickolas.” Tahnie had said it to him a million times beforehand, but it never seemed to matter. Nick wasn’t really justifying himself to Tahnie, he was justifying himself to himself. Trying to convince enough he was worthy of spending time with such an amazing being.

“Besides,” Tahnie continued. She leaned her head back against the seat, exhaling her smoke upwards into the sky. “I was kind of proud of you when I heard the news. Too much of your life is scheduled. Pressured to release an album to meet a certain deadline or whatever. I’m glad you actually took a moment to let loose and live your life.”

It wasn’t that she was a bad influence on him. It was more that she was concerned that Nick the real person was being shoved aside because of time commitments for Nick the pop star.

“Well I certainly don’t plan on getting arrested again anytime in the future.” As much as he’d learned from the situation, it had been hell on everyone. The arrest only months before had produced a more responsible Nick Carter.

“You seem to forget who you’re hanging out with,” Tahnie purred teasingly, with a raise of her eyebrow. Her eyes glinted mischievously.

Nick’s head darted to look his companion in the face. “Tahnie- don’t.”

“Don’t what?” She asked innocently.

“Don’t do whatever it is your going to do. I don’t trust you.”

“Oh, Nickolas,” Tahnie shook her head with regret. “What have I ever done to make you not trust me?”

And that was it. She hadn’t done anything. She was the one person who Nick could consistently turn to in his life. And maybe that is why he didn’t trust her. He never knew when she was going to turn on him.

She gave one defiant look to Nick before standing up. Standing straight up, in a convertible speeding down the highway without holding onto anything. Nick’s heart leapt out of his chest as he began to slow the car down.

“I’m the king of the world!” She exclaimed, flinging her arms wide and feeling the wind blow a force field across her body. Feeling free and independent, she giggled. She turned on her heels, now watching the road disappear behind the car. Something brought out the kiddie gymnast in Tahnie as she arched her spine, leaning upside-down against the front windshield.

Nick was haunted by the image on Tahnie loosing control and tumbling onto the road in front of the car. “Tahnie! You’re going to kill yourself!”

She knew what she was doing, and knew she was in no harm. But Tahnie could hear the genuine concern in Nick’s voice. She thought it was cute. That a pop star with so much going on in his life was fretting over an unambitious waitress.

“I’m a legal adult, Nickolas.” Tahnie said with a laugh, as she pulled herself up to a standing position. “You don’t need to take care of me.”

She closed her eyes momentarily, breathing in the warm summer air. Feeling the light of the sunset warm her skin. She laughed a loud, throaty chuckle and raised her arms in victory. In victory of being alive.

“Get down here,” Nick pleaded, tugging on Tahnie’s hand.

She complied, sitting closer to Nick then she had been earlier. She threw one long leg across his lap, and nestled the other behind his back. She ran her hands through his hair. He had great hair. Soft, like silk. But not as great as his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes, which she couldn’t see at that moment. She pulled the large aviator glasses from his face, throwing them into the wind.

“Hey!” Nick exclaimed. “Those were my favorite shades!”

“I’ll buy you a new pair,” Tahnie purred. She maneuvered her body around Nick’s, until she sat on his lap, her back to the steering wheel. Planting a kiss on one brow bone, and then the other, she said, “It’s been way too long since I’ve seen those baby blues.”

Her touch caused a stir in Nick. No other women could create that sort of reaction so quickly. He moaned, fantasizing about what was to come. “Maybe we should find some place to crash.”

Tahnie smiled. That was the reaction she wanted. She slipped from Nick’s lap, resuming her place beside him on the bench seat. She leaned her head against his shoulder. “Just drive straight. There’s a place we can go to just ahead.”

It was sunset. The couple drove silently as the watched the sun disappear beyond the desert horizon. It wasn’t the first sunset they’d spent together. There had been one magical night in South Carolina, on the Millennium tour. They’d taken a picnic to the beach and ended up making love from sunset to sunrise. Then there was a fight. There was always a fight. He couldn’t remember specifically what that fight had been about. There were so many they’d all started to blend together.

“Turn here,” Tahnie commanded. She was directing him to a cheap motel. As many times as they had met and made love, she’d never allowed him to see where she lived. They’d come together in the back of a car, the break room of one of her diner’s, the dressing room at one of his shows. But never at her place. He never asked why, and she never offered.

They held hands while they registered for the room. Each one would look at the other expectantly, out of the corner of their eyes. Like giddy schoolchildren, eagerly expecting what was to come next.

They collapsed against each other the moment the door was open. She ran her fingernails up and down the back of his neck, sending shivers down his spine. He placed his hands down the back of her pant, above her panties. He loved the way her butt perfectly fit the palms of his hands. She arched her head back and his mouth moved to cover her neck with kisses. The tie around her neck fell to the floor, and Nick’s lips pursed together to suck on the swell of her throat. A low moan escaped her lips.

Nick looked up, staring directly into her smoky-rimmed eyes. “God, it feels good to have you back.”

“Don’t sound so pathetic, Nickolas.” Tahnie taunted him. “It sounds like you haven’t gotten any in ages.”

“Its not that…” Nick began. But he couldn’t finish his thought. How could he ever find the words to explain how different Tahnie was from all the other women who had been in his life?

“All those millions of screaming fans,” Tahnie said aloud, shaking her head at the thought. All the while, she was pushing Nick away from the door, until he fell in disbelief on the bed. “And you’re telling me none of them can compete with me?”

“I’ve met a lot of women,” Nick agreed. “And not one of them is like you.”

“Nonsense.” She blew off the comment. “You’re just not meeting the right women.” “And what kind of women am I meeting?” Nick was curious to see Tahnie’s perspective of the situation. It didn’t take her long to launch into the impression.

She reached for the radio, setting atop a desk underneath the window. Her hands fingered the dial, until she found the local pop station. A carbon-copy song sung by some pretty, scantily-dressed pop singer invaded the room through the speakers. It didn’t matter which one, they were all the same.

“You were just great onstage, Nicky.” Tahnie cooed, batting her eyelashes. She was mimicking all the hopeful groupies he ever encountered backstage.

“You know, I’m a singer, too. Maybe we can sing together someday.” She closed her eyes, and licked her lips seductively. Then she opened her mouth to sing. A loud, horribly off-key pop song. When she’d finished her verse, she opened her eyes and smiled. “What did you think, Nicky? Think you could call up your record label and give them my demo?”

Nick couldn’t help but laugh. It was over exaggerated, of course. But surprisingly not far from the actual truth. But Nick’s laughter hardly shook Tahnie from her alter-ego. She continued on, “What was that Nicky? You need to see if I can dance? Oh, that I can do.”

She waited a few counts to get the rhythm into her body. Then sensually, she began to rotate her hips to the beat. Her pretty lips, all the while, mouthing the words to the song. Her fingers went to the fly of her jeans, slowing unbuttoning. Nick leaned back on his elbows, enjoying the sight for all its worth.

She could striptease like no other. After all of her minimum-wage part-time jobs, Nick was surprised the girl had never became a dancer. She took her time in easing those pants over the hips he longed to reach out and touch. She knew how to milk the situation for all its worth.

And then it was over too soon. Tahnie gave Nick one last dance move, her hand caressing her stomach upwards, brushing away her top to give him the briefest glimpse of her bra-encased breast. “I told you I could dance, couldn’t I?

“What was that? Sex?” She responded to his silent pleadings. She perched herself on the edge of the desk, dressed in only her top, lacy boy cut panties and black bobby socks. She turned her knees inward, like a little schoolgirl afraid of showing off her underwear. “But Nicky, I want to be a pop star, and all good pop star wait until marriage…”

“You don’t want to call the record label?!” Tahnie exclaimed in mock-anger. “Well, President Clinton didn’t seem to think oral was sex, so I guess that was okay. Unzip your pants, I’ll go down on you.”

Nick couldn’t contain his laughter any longer. He clapped his hands, applauding her good work. “Yeah, you’ve got the groupie girlfriend impression down.”

Tahnie giggled and ran across the room. She threw herself on the bed, next to Nick. “Honestly, Nickolas, I don’t know why you put up with those imbeciles.”

“I have to settle for someone when you’re not around.” It wasn’t a great explanation, but it was the only one there was.

“Well, I’m here now, aren’t I?” Tahnie asked him.

“That you are.” He agreed.

Nick had had sex with his share of women. Probably more then his share, compared to the average guy his age. But sex with Tahnie was different. Most likely because it wasn’t just sex. When he was with her, he didn’t care about pleasing himself. It was about making her happy. Seeing Tahnie happy was what pleased Nick the most.

He loved the power they had over one another. He loved watching her sweat with passion, calling out his name. He loved how she made him react in ways that no other woman ever had, nor he doubted ever would. It wasn’t that they were the best lovers in the world- Nick knew he wasn’t. It was the fact that they were made for each other, were in tune with one another’s bodies. They understood each other on a level that no one else could.

They made love all night long. On the bed, on the floor…in the shower. After the second or third time, neither could be quite sure which, they lay side by side underneath the sheets, still connected. She brushed his sweaty blonde locks off his face so she could see his eyes. She loved to look at his eyes during and after making love. Loved to watch the color change from baby blue to a deep navy only induced when he was turned on.

“I can hardly believe you’re the same boy whose cherry I popped in Jersey,” she commented in that husky, post-sex voice.

A pink blush crept up Nick’s cheeks. “I hardly want to think about it. I must have made a fool out of myself.”

“No, Nickolas,” Tahnie disagreed. “You may have been an amateur, but you were the best I’d ever had. Still are. Sure there were a few awkward moments, but you essentially knew what you were doing. I think its in your heartthrob DNA.”

He laughed. He loved that about Tahnie. The way she could make him laugh when they were in bed. “I learned from the best.”

“You’ve probably surpassed me in skill by now. I’m sure there’s quite a few things you could teach me,” Tahnie noted.

Nick shrugged. He wasn’t sure she was right, but he wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity. “Well, let’s get to studying then.”

He opened his eyes slowly: first one, then the other. But the cool sheet beside him informed him without looking- Tahnie had left the bed. Nick sighed reluctantly. He hated waking up, alone and naked, after a night with the woman he loved. His hands moved to the clothes he’d restlessly discarded the night before, and began to dress his naked body.

She immerged from the bathroom: showered, fully dressed and made-up. She had on different clothes. Wherever they went, she always seemed to have a change of wardrobe. “Good morning, Nickolas Carter.”

“You’re leaving me?” He asked, sounding like a hurt little boy.

“I have to go to work.” She couldn’t look him in the eye. If she did, she’d see that hurt little puppy dog expression on his face and that would be it. She’d be a goner. She’d climb back into bed and make love to Nick until they both collapsed in exhaustion.

“No, you don’t…” Nick said, starting the argument they’d had a million times before.

“Don’t bring this up,” Tahnie pleaded. She was kneeling on the floor, gathering up the remnants of her positions and nesting them back into her purse.

“You always do this.” Nick insisted. “You always push away this conversation, without taking the time to consider it. You don’t have to go to work. You can not show up today and never come back. Its not like you haven’t quit a job before.”

“Nick, I don’t have time to listen to this right now. I’m going to be late as it is.”

“But that’s just it. Forget about being late to your job. You and I both know you hate it anyway. You’re twenty-two-years-old. Its time for you to leave waitressing behind and get started on the rest of your life.” Nick had gotten to his feet, cupping Tahnie’s chin in his hands. “And the rest of your life can start with me. Come back to Los Angeles with me.”

She tore herself away. Arms crossed in front of her chest, she walked towards the wall. “This isn’t about me, Nickolas. This is about you and your constant need to be the center of the universe. You only pursue me because I’m different from all those other girls you sleep with. I won’t drop my life to follow you around like a puppy dog. And you hate that.”

“Your right. It does bother me that you can’t be with me all the time. But its not because I want another puppy. Its about the fact that you seem to think a job you hate is more important than me.” Nick sighed.

“It isn’t just about me or just about you. It’s about the both of us. We both have issues with our relationship. But at least I can admit that we have a relationship. After all these years, you’re the one who won’t even admit you love me.” The last comment came out more biting then Nick had wanted. On top of that, he’d thrown in an accusing grab in her direction.

She reacted before she had the opportunity to think. She threw his arm away from her body, quite violently. He yelped, partially in pain, but more in shock. She packed more strength then either of them knew. He backed away slowly, nursing his hurt arm.

“Oh, baby, baby, baby, baby,” Tahnie exclaimed. Her voice wavered, as her body would soon be consumed with tears. She rushed to Nick, engulfing him in a hug. Her hands ran over his head, massaging his pressure points. She covered his face in her lips, kissing away the tears. “You know I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Nick was silent. He knew what he had to say, and knew it would cause trouble. He just wanted one more moment in her arms. He wished the moment would never end, even though he knew it had to.

He broke away from her hug, regretfully. Tears streamed from her eyes, causing the dark eye make-up she wore to flow like rivers from her lashes. She was so beautiful…

Nick sighed. It was now or never. “But that’s just it. You never mean to hurt me, but you always do. When will you learn that unless we are together, I will always be hurting? Why is loving me so hard for you?”

Tahnie collapsed on the bed with a sigh. She was still crying, but the silent kind of sob that hurt more then you could tell. Her head was in her hand as she fiddled with the silver rings on her fingers.

“Because I’m afraid, Nickolas. If I continue these one-night-stands every few months, I know you’ll come back to me. But if I stick around, you’re going to get sick of me, and then I’ll just be another name in your little black book. I can’t deal with that sort of rejection. Not from you. Not when I care about you so much.”

Nick gently took a seat next to Tahnie. “But baby, don’t you understand? Understand that I can never get sick of you because I love you so much?”

“That’s what they all say,” Tahnie responded bitterly, hinting at a past she’d never shared with Nick. The kind of past that lived in the homes she’d never let him visit. “And they all go away. You will too. Living like we do…it will never work.”

“Tahnie, baby, love is a combination of faith and trust. If you really love me, you’ll trust what I say and find the faith to believe that I won’t be like all those other people.”

Nick reached out to hold Tahnie, but he wasn’t quick enough. She pushed him away as she got to your feet. “Well maybe I don’t love you!”

“God damnit, Tahnie!” Nick screamed after her. She was running, trying to get away. Her hand was on the doorknob, and she was ready to take off. Again. Nick reached for the closest thing to him. The desk chair. He picked it up and slammed it against the ground, shattering it to pieces. His love for Tahnie was strong enough for him to act so irrationally.

She jumped at the sound of the chair breaking. She paused momentarily, watching the destruction. Nick took the opportunity to speak. “Don’t leave. We have to stay and figure this thing out.”

“I can’t.”

“If you walk out that door, its not going to be like all the other times. You just can’t keep putting me through this. If you leave, I’m not going to go looking for you again.”

Tahnie didn’t say anything. She just turned and ran out the door. Away from Nick, and away from whatever relationship they had together. He found himself leaning against the doorframe, crying at seeing her figure disappear. Her head turned momentarily in her getaway, wondering if she’d made the right choice. But the sight of Nick crying was too much for her. In all their fights, she was the one to be reduced to tears. Not him.

He stood in the doorframe until he could see her figure no longer. Then he went to the car, removing his suitcase from the trunk. He felt worn-out and battered. Crying always did that to him.

He took a warm shower, washing away the pain and hurt she’d abandoned him with. He threw his old clothes in the trash, not being able to stand the smell she’d left on them. Freshly-dressed, he sat on the floor with his guitar and began to write. He took all the emotions Tahnie had conjured up and put them to melody. Music was his only way to deal with all the harm she’d done.

Just before the solo album was released, Nick found himself on another highway. Walking by himself, with his guitar, had become a form of meditation. The only way he could sort things out in the mixed up head of his.

He wondered if she’d buy the album. If she’d listen to the song. If she’d know it was for her. If she’d even care.

He found himself in front of a diner. This one advertising open mic. It was like that trance took over his body, once again. He wanted to fight it, but he couldn’t. And that’s how he ended up onstage, singing her song for a roomful of strangers.

She wandered in near the end of the song. She’d been on the way to work when she saw him enter the diner. She’d stayed outside when he began, trying to compose herself. Part of her wanted to turn and run away, before he had the chance to see her. Before they repeated their routine all over again.

But then she heard the song. She listened to the lyrics, and knew it was for her. And then she knew. She knew she had to see him again. She stepped inside the doorway, waiting for him to notice her. When they made eye contact, she smiled. She’d missed him.

~want to be notified when this site is updated? email me (and send feedback!)~

© 2002 [email protected]