--chapter one - page one--
Nick had been distracted all day. All the boys had been concerned, but what else could they do but just let him be? He was twenty-two years old now- not the little boy who joined the band ten years ago. He was old enough to make his own decisions, lead his own life. Or so they thought. Nick was beginning to wonder on that same question.

The photo shoot had gone longer then expected. Probably because of Nick. He wasn't able to focus on anything, not with those three little words echoing in his head. "Nick, I'm pregnant." After the photo shoot, Nick had skipped on dinner with AJ. He put on a hat and a pair of sunglasses and headed west. To the Santa Monica pier.

It was 7PM, and the sun was just beginning its descent to the waterline. Nick stood with his hands in the pockets, shivering at how fierce the wind at the end of the pier. I'm not even smart enough to grab a jacket for myself, Nick noted. How could I possibly take care of a child?

He watched the old men as they fished off the end of the pier. It was a spot he'd discovered during the recording of Millennium, when the Boys first began to spend more time in Los Angeles. Nick loved fishing himself, but for some reason, watching these men fish was all he needed. It relaxed him for some reason, watching someone else do all the work. He came there to think, to relax. To be near the ocean.

How did I let this happen? Why did I let this happen? In retrospect, it was so easy to see how very stupid he had been. But deep down inside, Nick knew that there was no way he could have resisted that girl three months before. She was just what he needed, almost heaven-sent. He'd hoped for an escape that night, relief from his everyday life. She'd been just that. The complete opposite of the girls Nick normally sent his time with. It was meant to be, he was sure of that. But if that night was meant to be, then my baby must be as well, Nick reasoned.

My baby. I can't have a baby. I can hardly take care of myself- there's no way I'd be able to take care of a little kid. And Nick was right, he knew it. He couldn't take care of himself. He had people to do that for him. Wardrobe to pick out his clothes, stylists to do his hair. Bodyguards to make sure he was safe, managers to schedule his life and lawyers to keep him out of jail. Fatima told him exactly how to move his body. Hell, he didn't even write most of the songs he sang. I can't take care of a baby- I'm still being babied myself.

He watched as a little girl attached herself to the leg of one of the fishermen. She must have been about four, with pretty little brown pigtails. Though it had been a chilly day, she was dressed in a floral summer dress. Nick faintly remembered from his own sisters' childhood how little girls love to wear skirts, no matter what.

I wonder what sex it is- a girl or a boy. I want a little girl, he decided at that moment. But that will she look like? Malu and I look nothing alike. She's as dark as I am light. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. Bi-racial babies are normally really beautiful. I want her to look like Malu, he decided. I see myself in the mirror everyday. And like hell this world needs another blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. I want her to look like that mysterious exotic girl who hypnotized me in the bar that night.

I'm good with kids, Nick reasoned. I'm around kids every day, at meet-and-greets and whatnot. And they love me. And I love them. Like I said, I'm really just a kid at heart. That's probably why I'm so good with them- we have the same interests in common. I could teach her how to play video games, how to play basketball. I could bring her backstage at Britney Spears concerts.

Having a kid might not be so bad. A daddy's girl, who'd adore his every action. Yeah, he could definitely deal with that. Someone who'd love him unconditionally, no matter what. Nick didn't have someone like that in his life. He had people who loved him, but not that same kind of intense love that happened between child and parent. That own love with his mother had faded years before. She was more interested in keeping his life on her track, not letting him live his own life.

I'm never going to be like that with my daughter, Nick decided right then and there. I'll let her make her own decisions, and love her for them.

God, I'm already falling in love with her. The little girl that grew in the womb of a woman he hardly knew. I can't get attached to her now, I don't even know if it is a her. What if Malu decides to get an abortion? She is a college student. She can't raise a kid and go to school at the same time. What if she has the kid, but puts it up for adoption? She may not believe in abortions, but that doesn't mean that she wants to raise a kid. What if she doesn't want me to have anything to do with the baby? Who would want an almost-washed-up boy band member as the father of your kid? I could sue her for custody. I pay loads of money to my lawyers, they could make it happen.

I'm getting ahead of myself, Nick remembered. Just calm down and breathe. You haven't even called this girl back yet. You don't know her intentions. Call her and figure out what her plans are first.

His stomach growled loudly. Have I eaten today? Not since before I answered my voicemail, Nick realized. He had a tendency to do that- forget to eat. When he was stressed, Nick got so consumed with his own thoughts that eating wouldn't occur to him. But when he was bored, at home alone and off tour, eating was all he ever seemed to do. It was comforting.

Nick sighed. Yet another reason why I am not ready to be a father. I can't keep myself on a healthy diet. What if I got stressed out and forgot to feed my little girl?

Getting ahead of myself again. Nick stopped to breathe. Okay: eat, and then call Malu.

...to be continued...
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