Minnesota Environmental Health Assocation
Humor
You Know You're a Health Inspector When ...
1. Vomiting diarrhea and parasitic organisms are part of the dinner conversation.
2. Your friend feels sick and you take a stool sample and a 72-hour food history.
3. You have a pool and spa kit on the edge of your bathtub.
4. You wonder if the 5-gallon bucket of chili started out green, and why is it breathing?
5. You haven't tried to catch Salmonella with a night crawler.
6. Your friends think Fun when they hear the word "spa", but you think Pseudomonas.
7. The waiter asks "How would you like your burger?" and you reply "Cooked to 155 degrees."
8. Besides pencil and paper, the thermometer is most commonly used.
9. You know how to pronounce words like "Escherichia" and "Staphyloccus."
10. Your cat's paws smell like bleach.
-- from the Wyoming Environmental Health Association
Responding to Rejection
The next time you receive a rejection letter after being interviewed for a job, consider sending the following letter in reply:
Dear Hiring Manager:
Thank you for your letter of May 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Your Name
Actual David Letterman Top Ten Lists Relating to Environmental Health (or Minnesota)
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Guy to Put in Your Swimming Pool
10. Shallow end: 3 feet -- Deep end: 600 feet
9. Wears inflatable pool toy around his waist at all times
8. Ever since the concrete was poured you haven't seen your cat.
7. Asks "Do you mind if I work naked?"
6. Claims he used to be a congressman and demands to be paid in stamp
5. You ask for a kidney-shaped pool and wake up without a kidney
4. Fills the pool by drinking a case of beer and letting "nature do her thing"
3. Instead of working, spends day boasting about how he used to be married to Roseanne
2. Only two choices for the shape of the pool: Siskel or Ebert
1. Keeps drinking the chlorine
Signs There Are Too Many Rats in New York City
10. On every other block there's a "Gap for rats."
9. Often caught trying to mate with the mayor's hairpiece
8. It's practically impossible to reserve a table at any really filthy restaurant
7. One's producing the show!
6. Average cab driver has at least three of them in his turban
5. Personals filled with ads like: "Furry four-legged male cheese lover seeking mate."
4. Your dinner is being bussed away from your table -- and the busboy is nowhere in sight!
3. Who cares -- let's take another look at that surfin' cat!
2. Al Sharpton seen wearing one on a gold chain around his neck
1. Roaches starting to complain
Signs Something Is Wrong With Your School Lunch
10. The "surprise" in the "vegetable surprise" is a nasty case of botulism
9. The chowder's served in same bucket the janitor soaks his mop in
8. A slew of white lab mice disappear and for weeks they're serving albino pot pies
7. When you say the name "Steve," your pudding shudders as if to say, "Yes -- that's me. My name is Steve"
6. Robert Shapiro shows up to order DNA testing on it
5. That Rice Krispies sound is coming from the pats of butter
4. You eat something that doesn't taste too bad, then realize it's the styrofoam tray
3. Hours after eating, your hair mysteriously falls out of your head
2. You see a lunch lady straining spaghetti through her hairnet
1. Chicken a la Don King
Other Reasons People Are Suing McDonald's
10. One in every 50 McNuggets has a pink, cord-like tail
9. Filet-o-Fish actually just deep fried plywood
8 You know those fancy french fries? Them boys ain't exactly coming from France
7. A woman from Delaware ate three big Macs at one sitting, and her ass inflated so rapidly that her car turned over
6. Mayor McCheese videotaped in hotel room smoking ketchup-flavored crack
5. Red clown hairs in the fries
4. Grimace keeps breaks into furniture stores and trying to mate with the bean-bag chairs
3. Found a McNail in the McNuggets
2. When asking, "would you like fries with that?" counterperson forgot to add "Mr. President"
1 That ain't special sauce
Signs You're Vacationing at a Bad Resort
10. Every few minutes, lifeguard screams and fires spear gun into swimming pool
9. Continental Breakfast is just a glass of water and some Tums
8. After you rent snorkel, you notice your car's radiator hose is missing
7. Every time you leave the hotel, they set up a petting zoo in your room
6. After housekeeper turns down your bed, she tries to turn down your pants
5. At dinner, you have to sign a legal waiver before every bite of food
4. They make you get up every morning at five and make you walk the resort poodle
3. You have to share jacuzzi with a maid rinsing out towels
2. Riding stable consists of a drunk guy who lets you bounce on his lap
1. Nightly entertainment provided by Dr. Kevorkian
Signs You Work in a Bad Office
10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.
9. Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
7. Hard to concentrate with all those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging around.
6. Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
4. Instead of Wite-Out, you're encouraged to use mayonnaise.
3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling.
2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
1. No desk chairs -- everybody squats.
Signs You're at a Bad Barbecue
10. Everything on the grill has a long, thin tail
9. To avoid burning, chicken breasts are covered in Coppertone
8. The "cole slaw" is just mayonnaise and lawn trimmings
7. The three-legged race is won by a three-legged guy
6. Every couple minutes, the cook drops his pants and flips himself with the spatula
5. Host tells you the burgers are 20% beef and 80% critter
4. The steaks have been sitting in marinade sauce all night, and so has your Uncle Earl
3. You have to sign a legal waiver before you eat the potato salad
2. Things seem tense between your hosts, Frank and Kathie Lee
1. The guests all have grill marks on their foreheads
Ways to Mispronounce Kirby Puckett
(as presented by Kirby Puckett on May 9, 1997)
10. Kooby Pickett
9. Creepy Pockets
8. Bernie Crumpet
7. Turkey Bucket
6. Buddy Hackett
5. The Puckett Formerly Known as Kirby
4. Punky Brewster
3. Kent Hrbek
2. There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett
1. Englepuck Kirbydink
Signs Your Home Needs a Spring Cleaning
10. Someone asks, "What died in here?" and you show them
9. Dust on TV screen gives everybody comical Andy Rooney eyebrows
8. When you win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, Ed McMahon refuses to get out of the van
7. The so-called "Dust Bunnies" have sharp, snapping teeth
6. Your house gets hit by a twister and it actually looks better
5. Guests take one look at your bathroom and decide to use the backyard
4. When someone from the health department rings your doorbell, you say, "Not again!"
3. Every time you turn on a faucet, you hear a muffled barking sound
2. Even Robert Downey, Jr. refuses to sleep on your floor
1. You've been receiving death threats from Mr. Clean
Words You Don't Want To See In Your Restaurant Review
10. "Syringe"
9. "Bleeding"
8. "DNA"
7. "Food-like"
6. "Crapeteria"
5. "Ribbed"
4. "British"
3. "Spork"
2. "Chef Ally McBeal"
1. "EWWWWWWWWWWW"
Other Safety Hazards At McDonald's
10. Sign in restroom: "Employees must wash hands in customers' soft drinks."
9. New "windpipe-sized" chicken McNugget
8. Dumb guys always sticking head in fry-o-lator
7. Those promotional cartons of "Tarzan-style" unpasteurized milk
6. Misprinted cups that read "This coffee is cool enough to pour directly into your lap."
5. Hand dryers in bathrooms powerful enough to blow flesh off fingers
4. Ronald McDonald spotted peeling skin from bad sunburn next to fry vat
3. That "fish" in their fish sandwiches? Meow.
2. Hamburgler drugs customers, transports them to dingy Mexican hotel room, steals their kidneys
1. McBeehives!
Rat Complaints About New York City
10. You live in Ranch One kitchen for three years, employees pretend they don't know you
9. Three-foot diameter bag of garbage now renting for five grand a month
8. The past ten years, only two rats elected to city council
7. During cooler winter months, lack of stench becomes unbearable
6. Only local rat role model is Donald Trump
5. Living in Ed Sullivan Theater and The Late Show's not very good anymore
4. City should leave us alone, start cracking down on fat guys in tank tops
3. Musical "CATS" glosses over their homicidal brutality
2. Hard to look cool on date when some kid shoots you in the butt with a pellet gun
1. It's just not the cesspool it used to be
Restaurants That Failed New York City Health Inspections
10. Drooly's Juice Bar
9. All Things Gamey
8. Chuck E. Sneeze
7. Cap'n Filthy's House of Improperly Refrigerated Shellfish
6. The We-Forgot-To-Bribe-The-Health-Officials Grill
5. I Can't Believe It's Not Sushi!
4. Ray's Original Pizza, And By Original We Mean The Same Slices Have Been Sitting There Since 1963
3. Those Ain't Peppercorns
2. T.R.I.C.H.I.N.O.S.I.S Friday's
1. L'Ice
Signs You're At A Bad Beach
10. Everyone's competing for the same few feet of space among the rotting whale carcasses
9. Guy with metal detector keeps finding 55-gallon drums of medical waste
8. It's exactly like the first half hour of "Saving Private Ryan"
7. Raftful of Cubans land, look around, paddle back out to sea
6. David Hasselhoff gives you mouth-to-mouth and you're not drowning
5. Sign for restrooms points to ocean
4. It's called "Stinky Beach"
3. Your kids give up on seashells -- start collecting used Band-Aids
2. Beach is full of guys like that naked fat guy on Survivor
1. It's bring-your-own-sand