Stupidity crisis now reaching Epidemic level

Bullwinkle tells all in revealing TV special on PBS.

(CNN) -- Having recently realized myself that the nation's smartest poeple have organized a giant game of marbles amongst the once formerly "elite" of society, I question their intelligence.

After hearing the Portuguese representitive in the UN speaches say "Hwa kwampali shweeku tappa ku hwa parrka gui" I am enclined to believe that all intillegent people in the world today have reverted back to some primitive "idiot stage" that I like to refer to as "the raging stupidity".

This apparent "the raging stupidity" has not only effected the geniuses of our generation, but the common man as well. I realized this while walking down the street and coming across several people gabbering about how appareantly the color "periwinkly" is attempting to take over the world with an engenius plot that involves weasels and every blank CD that has been damaged too much to be played by any conventional means.

After hearing this, I immediatly dashed to my car, dropping whatever groceries I had been carrying at the time. Looking back, I wish I had realized the importance of those groceries, as I am npw eating the plastic wrapping off of those disgusting american cheese slices.

Unfortunately, writing an article of this calibre having eaten nothing bu processed yellow chease and the filmy sticky plastic that previously enslaved it has deemed itself to be a seriously unhealthy idea.

You know, my daughter just eats these things.

MORE STORIES I think my mind has turned on me...    EXTRA INFORMATION Do you want this man eating your Triscuts? Wanna go back to my van and bone?    RESOURCES  NOTE: Veiwing this page will kill your children.

Having experienced first hand the sheer and unrelenting stupidity of this "new breed" of "mankind" I decided to "tune in" to this "special" that Rocky from "Rocky and Bullwinkle" was putting on. Appareantly, having an absurd amount of stupidity built into his initial character, he was the only being on the planet left uneffected by this "the raging stupidity".

Needless to say the information that this "cartoon" character had to provide was stunning. How the networks let him get away with this insanity is beyond my feeble, cheese stupor induced, mind.

Bullwinkle never let the ball drop. He had hard hitting facts, with numbers and charts. His graphs threw me for a loop however, having appareantly drawn them all by hand several hours before the telecast with a pack of 5 Crayola crayons while sitting in the lobby of the TV studio.

Disregarding the obvious ubsurdity of his graphs, I payed special attention to the numbers he was throwing around. According to Bullwinkle, approximatly 63.4% of American's dislike yellow cheese, and the other 63.4% appreciate the fact that a moose such as himself can get elected and follow through to do such an important TV program.

However, at about 8:30 I realized that Judge Mills Lane was on. And I desperately need a dose of hard hitting no holds barred justice in this crazy mixed up world of stupidity.

Having missed the last hour of the Bullwinkle speech, I feel unequipped to offer you a complete summery or even an incomplete one of his findings. However, I can say that after watching the dumb animal for as long as I did, I found myself saying things like "Yau wwant thom Ruhmbou Weed mai deya?" and "You two almost agreeabled yourselves into a plane crash" with that lovable moose's silly voice.

I also noted the moose's important and critical use of guest speakers. In the half hour or so that I was awake during the 3 1/2 hour speech, he had several guest speakers. With such major names such as All Stevenson, Jill Carter, Aunt Jamima, and even the Natorious B.I.G.

I think I know who is responsible...

This man is the basis for all evil and devil worshi in our society today.

This may come as a suprise to many of you...but the man pictured here is believed to be the cause of this widespread "the raging stupidity". I attempted to get an interview with this man, who as of yet, remains nameless to the general public. However, for the remainder of this article I shall refer to him as Griffin.

Obviously, being the root of all evil(more so than money) and the appareant cause of our dis-intelligent problems, Griffin is a very hard man to see.

After tracking down one of his many mansions along the eastern border of the rural state of Oregon, I was stopped before I could get in to see the man. This man is indeed a genius. It seems he has the entire cast of the beloved cartoon Smurfs in his employment(all of which where also guest speakers in Bullwinkle's television program). Knowing full well that many human being, stupid or intillectual would be at his witts-end having encountered so many short, blue, white capped beings.

Internet discussion groups are already deep into arguments about this tactics flaws. "Where's the Pink Panther?" one person asks. Others bemoan the lack of Smurfs. Which I am at a complete lack of words for.

Having limited internet access however, I am unable to participate in such discussoins as fully as I would like to.

I would simply like to state for the record, that I in no way had s3xual(I like using numbers instead of letters) relations with ANY member of said cartoon's cast. Or crew for that matter. None. Never. Never ever. (and I don't plan to)

Having been unable to actually meet with Griffin as I would have liked to...this article has come an abrupt end. My mind has derailed the train of thought carrying my figners across the keyboard and has begun instead the go cart typing frenzy of doom.

I am unsure as to how long I will be able to remain here typing this for you...my fingers are already cramping up from the rampant disregard for their health. I can sense a severe case of arhtritis afflicting me in my old age. Horrible horrible thoughts ensue that I cannot type here.

"You know someone like it, or you identify with (it)," he says. "That's really the key to a classic character." (AKA me)