selfishness oozing
| i am so ashamed to be thinking/feeling this way, let alone write it down. i am taking this as my cue that it's important enough to address. |
| today my beloved R finished school. i am so proud of him. it has been an extremely rocky undertaking, not because the material befuddles him (quite the contrary), but because so many unforeseen difficulties have come our way over the past few years. and yet, he didn't quit or excuse himself from doing the work. that in itself says more than the marks on his transcript. |
| R, you are an incredible person. i love you so much, and i am so proud that you have followed your dream. i want to do something special for you, so that maybe a little of how much you are admired will sink in. |
| but i find myself unable to do it. |
| this isn't R's fault, and it is ABSOLUTELY no indication of how much he deserves a celebration. it's a reflection of the selfishness that i am infested with. |
| days like today remind me that my accomplishments have never been celebrated. my family (and my former partners) have never thrown a party, or given meaningful gifts, or doneanything to acknowledge my successes. i suppose i should qualify this by saying that on rare spontaneous occasions (or when forcefully prompted), a hasty gift was purchased or a "congrats" spoken (if it would be breaking a major social rule by NOT doing so). i graduated from high school, college, and university without so much as a special meal. in my thirteen years of independence, i have been the guest of honor at one birthday party. |
| so i guess you could say i've developed quite a resentment for giving someone else a "day in the sun", even when they deserve it as much as my R. |
| i am resolving to get over this. i need to let my actions be guided by the love and the pride that i feel for those close to me - NOT by the lessons in selfishness i have learned from the actions of others. |
(curiously enough, hosting celebrations for others was a majorly important role for one of my alters, Empathy. Empathy "blended" about a year ago with another alter, and holidays have been horrible without her. i wish now that i had thanked her for her ability to show others how valued they are.) |
| with this entry i hereby apologize. i am truly sorry that i have not been more expressive or creative in honoring the accomplishments of the people i love (that's you too, R....*grin*). from this day forward, i promise to recognize that my selfishness is oozing, and to try to clean it up. you are worth more than that kind of behaviour. |
| CONGRATULATIONS R! |
| i love you very very much |