i'm going to copy and paste from a post i wrote earlier today. yeah, so it isn't a REAL journal entry. so what. we're suffering from writer's block, okay? be kind.

when we were 11 i went trick or treating with my sister and my two foster sisters and a neighbors kid. my mom would drive us to a trailer court in the town next to where we lived (way out in the country) and park at the end of the street while we travelled up and down the row of houses. i was dressed as a "hobo" (because i didn't have a costume so i made my face dirty and put on funny colored old clothes and a silly hat - that would horrify me now to dress up as someone less fortunate than myself - why didn't anyone correct me?).

the last house we went to-
an old man who smelled like booze answered the door and told us to come inside (just about everybody did, because its cold in nova scotia in october). there was another older man in the kitchen. something told me there was something amiss... but of course i was taught to never trust my own instincts so i just went in. the other girls followed (they were all younger than me).

the old man said something about me being awful cute (which was also very weird, because no one ever called me that - i was an ugly ducking, and nobody ever called me different). he stood behind me and put his arms around me like a "hug". i sort of shrugged him off, and he slid his hands inside my shirt. i was getting breasts by then (much to my chagrin, i hated those and i still do) and the old man giggled about this. then he put his hand down my pants and inside my underwear. he was trying to put his finger in me but he couldn't because my pants were too tight.

i was standing there stunned, and a feeling of deja vu came over me. he was slowly pushing me down the hallway to the bedrooms. i don't know "how" i knew what he wanted, but i did. i don't know how i knew what was coming next, but i knew. i felt trapped between two parts of myself - one that WANTED to go (oh, god) and one that said "get out of here NOW". the voice that wanted to get out was louder and more insistent, and suddenly i was aware that the other girls were still standing in the kitchen, watching, and they could see him taking me away. i snapped out of my "trance", struggled, kicked him as hard as i could, and yelled for the girls to open the door. they tried, but it was locked. panic. i grabbed the door and unlocked it and told everyone to get out now, we're leaving. they looked confused (we didn't even get any candy?). the other kids headed to the next house, and my heart was still racing. i wanted to hide, now, no more houses.

i got in the car and my mother asked why i was not trick-or-treating. at first i just said i had enough, i wanted to go home. she didn't buy that, and pressed for more. i said that something happened in that house. she made me tell her, then picked up the other kids and we all went to the police station.

we all took turns telling our story to the cops individually, over and over. the cop was a big man with a mustache who wanted me to say that the old man had put his hand on my vagina. i could barely get the words out. i felt like i was wasting his time. he asked if the man had hurt me, and i said no i got out of there. since he didn't hurt me, i supposed it wasn't a very big deal. they asked all the others again. they didn't get everyone to say that the door had been locked, not everyone could see the door handle, so they couldn't prove he had locked the door. by this time, they had brought in the old man and his friend and kept them where i could see them. i paced up and down the hall and drank tea from a machine. eventually they let us go home.

some time later (i don't know how many days, weeks, whatever) the cops called my parents and said they were not going to press charges because the man denied doing it and the friend said he saw nothing. liar. he was laughing, he knew.

nobody ever spoke of this again. nobody asked me if i was okay except maybe that night, never after. nobody got mad and pressed charges, nobody said they were sorry this happened, everyone acted like it was nothing. i acted like it was nothing. it wasn't nothing.

here i am now, a 30 year old mother who has never taken her own kid out for halloween because i'm too d*mned scared. i want to scream when i see those little girls all dressed up and knocking on the doors of strangers. i want to grab them and say "get out! go home! don't let them get you!". and i know its happening again somewhere to some little girl and maybe she won't have a voice inside that tells her to run and they always win, little girls are just sitting ducks to anybody that wants them. i took my daughter out shopping for her costume and dissociated the whole time. she kept wanting to try it on in the store and i just couldn't let her, other people would see her dressed like that and then... thats where my mind goes.

it wasn't the first time we were violated, and it wasn't the last, but i remember every minute of it. i went from thinking that only family was unsafe to thinking that the whole world was unsafe.

okay i'm done. thank you if you got this far. i just needed to tell someone.

written by lysergia, posted here by Mallory

The Real Mallory
...so i don't really look like Juliet lewis, did you think i would?

what we're eating:

oatmeal apple muffins, coffee coffee coffee

what we're reading:

The Women's Room by Marilyn French

what we're wearing:

jeans, black sweater, pigtails

what we're listening to:

Mission Impossible II Theme, Limp Bizkit

Dissociative, Marilyn Manson (ha!)

Proposition Fuck You, Methods of Mayhem

The Way I Am, Eminem

Quote of the day:

"But Cambrigde was full of young people who moved liked arrows toward a target; they were angry, they couldn't understand how the old world could be so rotten and still insist on continuing. They couldn't understand why it didn't die of its own disease, or preferably, seeing its own disease, commit suicide"

- Marilyn French, The Women's Room

Happy Birthday R!

hehe yes the pic is blurry on purpose... wouldn't want to blow his cover as a secret agent or anything :)

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