I close my eyes.
Pretend to sleep.
It does no good.
Into my room he creeps. I hear his footsteps.
I smell his stink.
I'm so afraid. Too scared
to think.
I know I should tell some one.
But I don't dare. I want to tell someone!
But who would care?
I cringe in fear. I feel his
sigh.
He is so near!
He strokes my thigh. I am so tired.
I need some rest
But how to sleep, With him touching my breast?
I'm all grown up now.
I've learned to hate.
But I'm still a child,
I'm only eight!
- 1960-
In the dark and lonely ether, when our two souls did meet.
Never did I realize, your touch would be so sweet.
A need unknown was found and filled.
A gentle touch, feather soft upon my mind
My soul blindly did seek and find.
Like an instrument played by the master,
My passion rises and my heart beats faster.
My body responds of its own accord.
Knowing there can be no release, it writhes in pain,
And agonizingly seeks your touch once again.
11/95
My soul knows no reason...for what it seeks
Reaching out blindly...it encounters a wall
It craves a touch.....and its efforts are not small
Reaching out blindly.....it encounters a wall
Believing it has the key...it still cringes at the pain
Hoping to staunch the blood...it tourniquets the vein
And with ignorant hope....tries once more to scale the peaks.
3/96
Words said and feelings felt
With the sweetest meanings
Are sent forth as whispers of love.
Meant to heal, their flight is true
But their landing comes with force unknown
And the whispers become arrows, pointed and cruel.
Love turns to hate, and passion to pain
The venom of anger and fear flows free.
Another beginning brought to an end.
When the river has ceased to run
And the long path is finally walked
The end is finished, yet begins again..
4/97
I stand here wondering how this happened.
The excitement of the raging storm has ended,
leaving me confused and disoriented.
I knew when i picked up the dice
that this game was loaded.
I thought i could win it though
I believed i was smart enough to play it wise.
I guarded my heart, i wrapped it in steel.
I knew i was ready, i could handle your fire.
Then you spoke, your silvery tongue
pierced my armor, making it melt.
the steel vanished in the heat of your words,
my heart was left bare, i lost my reserve.
Head-long into the game, I bet my heart on your play.
You dangled the prize just out of my reach.
Like a kitten with twine, i danced to your beat,
grabbed the brass ring, thinking i'd won,
the music stopped, the ride at an end,
I was left sitting, empty-handed, alone again.
I lost the game, your mark was made.
You walked away, winner of all, taking the crown.
7/98
I run my fingertips down the inside of your arm
marveling at the fresh firmness there.
Almost like a peach, just picked from the tree,
your youth is tangible; skin soft and achingly tender.
I memorize your skin's feel,
knowing that in touching you
I touch eternity.
The taste of your mouth lingers
on my lips for hours after we kiss.
The tenative seeking of your tongue against mine,
the tickle of the fur on your chin as you brush my mouth.
I memorize your mouth,
knowing that in tasting you
I taste eternity.
Your hands run softly up my thigh
electric fire rippling across my body like a summer storm.
I ache for the release the touch of your hand promises,
like the promise of rain from thunderheads
built on the heat of the day.
I memorize the trace of heat your hand leaves,
knowing that in finding you
I found eternity.
7/98
Caressing silk of lotion, stroked on age-worn skin.
Can these rumpled tissue-paper lines
acquire the semblance of youth
just one more night?
Harsh reflection in the mirror, counting the years
wrinkle by wrinkle, grey hair by grey hair.
Will this palate of color, this magician’s rainbow,
replace what time has stolen?
How unfair that now at the end of summer
I should find a taste for spring’s bounties.
How cruel that now in the bitter time
your sweet succulence is offered to my lips.
How does a fire burn so hotly in coals grown cold?
Will the roadmaps of where I have been,
still stir your loins to fire?
From eyes grown jaded and tired, yesterday shines forth
Tell me, love, can you see through the past,
to only touch the present?
Lose yourself in me, let my body be your shrine
Touch my soul, let me show you what I once was
Stop time for one golden moment,
let me teach you what I still am
Come lay with me in dreams of now.
7/98
GOING:
The boxes have been piling up in the hallway for weeks.
But your going was still not real.
The bedroom has gotten more and more empty lately.
But your going was still not real.
The van has been loaded for hours now.
But your going is still not real.
GOING:
I stand in the drive, hug you close, wave you off, tell you I love you.
But your going is still not real.
The van backs out, brake lights come on, you wave from the window.
But your going is still not real.
Forward now, I stand behind, watching it drive off, take you away.
But your going is still not real.
GONE!
Oh god. This is really happening.
When did your going become real?
I stand in the drive, my heart pounding, I can't hear, can't see.
When did your going become real?
Waves of agony wash across me, hot fire fills my chest,
raging pain caresses my body.
When did your going become real?
GONE.....
The room is empty, the laundry done, the floors all swept.
Your going became real.
I stand in the hall, empty, numb, I won't feel this hurt.
Your going became real.
"They" all tell me to rejoice, but how can "they" know
the pain I feel because
Your going became real.
7/98
Last night i reached for you
fingers blindly seeking
a touch, caresses of my nerve endings
tell me you are near.
whispers in the darkness
my nipples taut with desire
you stroke my needs
flesh meeting flesh
fingertip to fingertip
electrically, electronically
technically, technologically.
voice playing within my mind
words without sound
you speak of ties that bind
and chains of love.
blindfolded with passion
i rise, oh how i rise!
secrets not told
places untouched.
you ferret them out
preciously, precariously
twistingly, twistedly.
Can you feel as i feel you?
are you there?
paths of fire trace my skin
thighs tense, wet and aching
a dance of danger
flits across air
ecstasy of pain
felt yet not,
whipping me to new heights
meaninglessly mental
virtually virtual.
fingertips tremble and flit
safety just a stroke away
sentence unpronounced
writhes in the air.
a stroke, just one more
escape just a stretch of sinew.
muscles screaming for release
i reach, i reach for you
beyond my touch
and sit, panting.
blackly, blankly
eternally ether.
and the screen goes dark.
10/98
like the sea upon the cliffs,
my emotions ebb and flow with the tide of you.
rushing in, wild and passionate,
when i am in your arms.
flowing out, destitute and diminished,
when i am without you.
what moon sickness drives these desires?
is it your magnetic power
that charges my being and inexorably
pulls at my soul?
like the harvest moon rising,
your voice breaks over me
filling me with awe.
a possibility of madness fills my body
as your penetrating light
illuminates my darkness.
i dance, naked and joyous,
beneath your touch.
demon lover, moon mad wolf.
come take me and fill me with your magic.
let me worship at your feet,
bride of your darkness,
slave to your desires.
own me as the moon owns the night.
enslave me as the moon enslaves the dark.
claim me as the moon claims the sky,
chain me within the shadows of your light.
i am fey, filled with your dark madness,
swept away by the moon tides of your desire.
i am fey, dancing naked beneath you,
bound by you all ways and always.
6/00
Moods, Emotions and Feelings
Anger so red, burning so bright, shaking and shivering as it
takes over my sight.
Breaking in slivers, shattered and broken, soul wracking pain flowing out
in waves of white hot tears
Crying with joy, crying with sorrow, crying away all the years of wrong
Dumbed down and numbed down, what do I feel when I feel it and is it ok?
Ecstasy encompassing all lucid thought, lost in the body's sweet surrender
to touch.
Fear filling my mind, my heart and my spirit, frozen and lost, afraid to
go on.
Gratitude for what should be a given, indebted and owing feels dirty and
ugly.
Hatred hairy ameba, blackened and twisted cancerous growth.
Innocence lost and never refound, ripped away and tossed aside, no matter
the cost.
Jealousy gnawing inside me, not good enough, not now, not ever no how.
Kindness from the most unexpected sources, reducing me to tears at what
I should have had.
Love unbounded, offered unasked and without cost or payment due.
Melancholy baby, your daddy's gone away, he never loved you like he should
have.
Nervousness, overwhelming agony filling me with dread when I think they
see what is hidden within.
Open those doors, let the healing begin, exhaustion floods me at the length
of the journey ahead.
Pitiful little one, so left all alone, no body loved you till I came along.
Questioning my reason, my sanity and worth, I close my eyes
and believe that I am what they say.
Rational, rational, rational. no emotion attached, don't feel
those feelings, think them all away.
Serious and sensitive, at times too intense, control is necessary to stop
the hurt.
Terrified of things that are unknown, but more often the known is worse
because it is real.
Ungainly and klutzy and lacking in grace, I try to keep step, always missing
the pace.
Violent aggression to hide what he did, the walls are a facade that hides
a weakness inside.
Wistful and wondering why it happened to me.
X'd out and forgotten, I am through being invisible and unimportant.
Youthful and exuberant, striding forward through the fog of
fear to reach for the sunshine that I know shines near.
Zealous in my pursuit of what will make me whole, determined to be there
before I grow old.