JC was giggling uncontrollably, clutching his stomach. �You�re such a mama�s boy.�

�Shut up,� Justin said again, but he was laughing too. He tackled JC, rolling them both onto the sofa. He clapped a hand over JC�s mouth, to quiet the giggles that still escaped. �So what? I just want a quiet birthday party this year, that okay?�

The reply was lost, since JC�s mouth was still covered.

With a sigh, Justin removed his hand, but his body still lay sprawled on top of JC�s. Their hips were pressed together, with Justin supporting himself with his hands on either side of JC�s head. The sofa in the bus� lounge was honestly too small for the both of them, but that never stopped them before.

�You wanna go home to see your mommy,� said JC, grinning hugely up at him. �She wants you to come home, so there you go. Like a puppy.�

Justin narrowed his eyes, baring his weight down even more on his friend. �Man, you are so dead.�

Somehow JC ended up laughing more, tears leaking out of his eyes as he squirmed underneath Justin, trying to avoid the tickling hands. Justin was demanding, �So you wanna laugh at me? Huh?�

From the front, Joey called back to them, �Dudes, stop making out on the bus.�

�We are not!� Justin stopped tickling to protest, but that was his mistake.

�Got you!� JC rolled over, pinning Justin down on the couch beneath him.

Justin laughed, feeling a little better, even though he had no idea he was feeling bad in the first place. Like discovering a healed wound, even though he never noticed any pain. �Stay here for a sec,� Justin said.

Instantly, JC nodded and lay down, wrapping his arms around Justin�s waist. �Okay,� he said. No questions asked about Justin�s suddenly serious mood. He was used to it. That didn�t stop him from grinning and adding, �Mama�s boy.�

�Shut up, C,� whispered Justin, smiling. Feeling the heartbeat of JC�s against his own, Justin lay on the bus and breathed slowly, until they both feel asleep.

* * *

�Happy birthday!� The band mates and their families cheered together, gathered around the dining room table. The candles on the cake had already melted low, dripping tiny drops of wax onto the white and blue frosting. The gathering was a relatively small party, nothing at all like Britney�s huge birthday bash, but everyone agreed it was better this way. Just family.

�I think that�s the first time you guys sang that song without me,� said Justin with a grin. He watched eighteen candle flames dance before his eyes. Plus one more, for luck.

Chris clapped a hand on Justin�s shoulder. �It�s your birthday. Can�t sing your own birthday song � that�s stupid,� he said. �You�re legal now, you�ve gotta be cool.�

On Justin�s other side, JC wrapped an arm around Justin�s waist, giving him a sideways hug. �Make a wish, man,� he said.

�Yeah, I want to eat,� said Joey�s voice from behind.

�You always want to eat,� said Lance�s voice in reply.

Justin closed his eyes and blew out the candles in one breath, wish silent on his lips.

When he opened his eyes again, he realized everyone was clapping and cheering for him. Justin thought this was as good a time as any. �Guys,� he said. �Guys?�

�Hey!� Chris could always be counted on to be loud. �Shut up! The birthday boy wants to say something.�

Now everyone was watching him expectantly. Justin, for the first time in a long time, actually felt nervous in front of this group of people. It wasn�t even like they were strangers. They were family. Family. Justin inhaled a deep breath, calming himself down, and realized JC�s arm was still holding his waist loosely. He cleared his throat. Justin said, �I�m gay.�

For a long time, Justin just endured the stares, a forced smile on his face. He imagined he could hear crickets chirping.

The silence was broken when Chris asked, �You gonna cut the cake or what?�

* * *

�Justin, honey...�

�No, Mom, I can�t believe you.�

�Justin...�

�No.� He clapped his hands over his ears. Justin didn�t want to hear this. He couldn�t believe he was hearing this.

When his mother tried to pull his hands away, Justin flinched from the touch. He tried to get up off of the couch, tried to get out of the damn house, but his mother�s hand on his arm stopped him.

�I didn�t mean it like that,� she said. Tears shone in her eyes and Justin refused to be moved by them. He was not... God. Justin sat back down again. �I just meant,� she said, �That I wanted you to be sure about this.�

Justin whirled around, facing his mother. The words came out harsher than he meant for them to be. �Yes,� he spat. �I am sure. It�s not like I�m being a goddamn kid deciding to be rebellious and act gay. You don�t choose to be gay, Mom.�

His mother�s nods came slowly. She didn�t look at Justin, she stared at the carpet in front of her, as if trying to convince herself of her own words. �I know, honey,� she said. �I�m sorry for being rude before, I am. It�s just such a surprise.�

�Yeah.� Justin rubbed at his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. The party had ended long ago. All that was left were limp streamers, deflated balloons, and discarded party favors littering the house. He didn�t want to deal with this anymore. It had been a bad idea to do that. To come out like that. �Yeah, I know,� he said, even though he didn�t know. Justin didn�t know how a mother could suddenly act like her own son was a stranger.

�Justin, I support you,� she said. �Don�t think I don�t. I do. I always will.�

�Yeah, Mom, I know,� Justin repeated. He leaned over to kiss her on the cheek, even though his heart wasn�t in the gesture. He stood slowly, feeling like he was moving through a thick haze. �I�m going to bed.�

Lynn looked sad for some reason. �I love you, Justin.�

�Love you too, Mom.�

* * *

�You okay, man?� asked JC. He sat down on a barstool next to Justin at the club, leaning on the bar counter.

Justin had been sitting there for a long while, just staring at nothing. His soda was left warm and untouched on the counter. Justin had been abnormally quiet ever since his birthday party, which had been a week or so ago. The band was on break from touring and recording, for the moment, but Justin seemed out of it. Ever since he came out at his party. Really out of it, in a way that JC had never seen before.

�Justin?�

�Yeah, fine, C.� Even Justin�s answer was bland and blank, as if Justin couldn�t even put the effort into making a convincing lie. He had been like that all week and JC was beginning to get worried.

For a moment, JC thought about not pushing the issue any further. That thought lasted for about two seconds. �What�s wrong? Just tell me,� he said.

With a sigh, Justin shook his head. When JC thought Justin would never say anything, he did. He picked up his soda, idly swirling the straw around and around in the glass. �Does it bug you that I�m gay?� Justin asked. His voice was low, and in the noisy club, only JC could hear those words.

JC blinked. �Justin�� he said slowly. �I�m bi. I told you guys a long time ago.�

�Yeah,� said Justin. His reply was an exhalation, a combination of a word and a sigh.

�Then�� Maybe JC was missing the point. He did that a lot, as the other guys often pointed out to him. �I don�t get it.�

Justin shoved his drink away suddenly. �Forget about it,� he said, suddenly angry. He whipped his head around, blue eyes blazing ice. JC, alarmed, wondered if Justin had been drinking. He stood to leave, but JC caught his arm.

�C�mon, stop that,� said JC. He stood to put his arm around Justin�s shoulders.

Then JC stopped, when he saw Justin flinch and shrug off his arm.

�Don�t touch me,� said Justin. He moved his way through the crowd, heedless of the protests as he ran into the people on the dance floor.

JC watched him go, ignoring the tears pricking in his eyes.

* * *

During parties and social events, Justin smiled at the right places. When one of their friends made a dumb joke, Justin laughed along with the rest. Outwardly, nothing had changed. No one knew about Justin�s sexuality except the band mates and their families. Of course, no one spoke about it. JC couldn�t even find evidence that Justin was even acting upon it � he didn�t flirt with anyone, girl or guy.

JC couldn�t help but notice the hollow, empty look in Justin�s eyes. When no one was looking, Justin would withdraw into himself, not really noticing anything that was going on. His brows would furrow as if he were thinking about something very deeply. JC caught him doing that more than once during their nights out. He wondered what had been going on, what was going on.

Something was wrong.

When Joey tried to give Justin a hug, Justin shrugged it off, flinching.

When Lance put a hand on Justin�s shoulder, he frowned uncomfortably and moved away.

When Chris tackled him playfully, Justin had snapped at him and told him to fuck off.

All four of them, without even needing to speak to each other, knew that something was definitely very wrong.

One time, JC had tried to talk to Justin, after they had gotten back to Justin�s house.

JC stood at the bottom step, feeling awkward talking to Justin, for the first time in his life. He had never felt this uncomfortable, not even when he came out to Justin all those years ago. When had all this happened? That Justin suddenly felt like a stranger?

�Are you okay?� he asked, while Justin was unlocking the door. Before his friend could reply, JC added, �And don�t say you�re fine, because you�re not.�

Justin heaved a great sigh, with his hand still on the doorknob, looking weary and worn of the world. �I don�t know,� he said finally. �I just� I need some time. I want to be alone. Goodnight, C.�

Before JC could say anything more, Justin went inside and closed the door.

* * *

It was sort of an unspoken thing.

All the guys in the band were close. Intimate, embarrassingly, in-your-face kind of close. A natural result of years and years of living and working together. After a while, the world had been unconsciously divided into two groups: us and them. No one else knew what it was like to be mobbed while trying to buy groceries. No one else knew what it was like to be young and alone, with your family five time zones away. No one else worked and rehearsed until they felt like dying. No one else had rocked Justin to sleep at night, felt their heart seize up when Lance had collapsed onstage, helped Chris clean up his throw-up after clubbing, helped Joey cook dinner. No one else knew how it felt to have four other brothers, who you loved more than anything else in the world. No one else would have the feeling of knowing you would give your life for any one of them. No one.

The band mates touched each other all the time. Not in front of cameras, not anymore. Still, JC knew he could always get a hug, a shoulder to cry on, or even a kiss when he wanted one. It wasn�t uncommon to even sleep together, spending the night in each other�s huge beds when Justin or Lance couldn�t go to sleep because they were homesick. Justin and Lance had eventually stopped getting severely homesick, but Justin sometimes still crawled into JC�s hotel bed or bunk at night. By morning, their limbs were tangled together and they would be holding onto each other tight.

That was why JC didn�t know what to say or think or do when Justin had pushed him away like that. It was as if Justin suddenly told him they couldn�t be friends anymore.

Don�t touch me.

Justin had never said that, never, not even in his worst moods, especially not to JC. He and JC had always been the closest out of all the guys. It was partly because Justin had been so young in the beginning, so needy and loving, and JC gave him the love that he wanted. Justin always trusted him; he always let JC know what was bothering him, depending on JC�s touches to give him comfort.

What had happened to that now?

* * *

�Hey,� said the guy. He had pretty eyes. Green, like Lance�s, except darker and more like grass then champagne. He had nice hands too, Justin noted absently.

�Hey,� said Justin. After his first glance, he didn�t look at the guy. He leaned back in his seat, watching the crowd of dancers in the club instead.

For a few moments, the guy made no further comment and Justin wondered if he had gone away. When Justin turned his head back, however, the guy was still standing there, running a hand through his spiky brown hair awkwardly.

�You�re cute,� said Justin with a smile and a calculated leer. He stood, going to stand by the guy. He hooked his fingers into the belt loops of the guy�s jeans.

The man actually had the decency to blush a little before saying, �Thanks.� As if on second thought, he added, �My name is��

Justin silenced him with a small kiss on the corner of his lips. The guy had a sickeningly sweet mouth, like sugarcoated candy. He�d have to do. �Wanna have a good time?� Justin asked, voice soft amid the thumping club music.

Before the guy even finished his nod, Justin put on a grin and led them away.

* * *

When Justin came, he grunted and thrust his hips awkwardly into the guy�s over sweetened mouth. His hands gripped at the slippery tiling of the bathroom, but he found no leverage there.

When Justin came, he thought of blue eyes and kind smiles.

As the guy got up off of his knees, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. �You know, I��

�I don�t care,� said Justin. He walked out of the bathroom, zipping his jeans up along the way.

* * *

�Hi, Mom,� said Justin into the phone. He made his way from the little kitchen area of the bus to the lounge, cell phone pressed to one ear.

His mother�s voice crackled in the receiver. �Hey, honey. How�s touring been?�

�Fine. We�re going great,� said Justin. It seemed like the break had only started, but here they were on the bus again. They had two buses this time. Justin was sharing the three-man bus with JC and Chris. Although Justin admitted being on break was nice, he liked sleeping on the bus. The steady rhythmic rocking always got him to go to sleep. He usually had trouble getting to sleep, even more so recently.

�How have you been?� she asked.

Justin opened the mini-fridge, searching for some juice, but didn�t see any he liked. Only apple juice and orange juice, which Justin honestly hated. They were too sweet. �Okay,� he said into the phone.

�You sure, Justin?�

�God,� said Justin. He slammed the fridge of the door closed. �I�m fine, Mom. Stop asking me that. I don�t have a fucking disease.�

�Don�t take that tone of voice with me, Justin Randall,� said his mother. Her voice was sharp, even over the crackling reception. �I raised you to be a respectful young man.�

Justin growled under his breath, glad that his mother probably couldn�t hear it. �Stop changing the subject, Mom,� he said. �If you want me to respect you, you need to respect me too.�

�What is that supposed to mean?�

For a moment, Justin had to calm himself to keep from throwing his cell phone at the wall. �Why are you doing this to me?� he said. �Acting like you�re so concerned about me? Acting like you don�t know me? I�m still the same person.�

�Oh, Justin, honey, what are you��

�No matter what you say, you can�t deny it,� said Justin. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to acknowledge that he was on the verge of tears. His voice was thick and rough when he spoke again. �Why are you treating me differently now? Because I�m gay? Because I�m not the perfect son anymore?�

�That is not�!�

�Bye, Mom.� Justin pushed the �end� button on his phone and set it gently down on the table. Then he sat down and sobbed into his hands.

* * *

�Fuck!�

JC looked up from his magazine. �Something you want to share with the class, Justin?� he asked.

They were sitting opposite each other on the three-man bus, on the road to another show. Justin sat on one in the lounge sofa, while JC sat on the other. Ever since that night in the club, JC was afraid to touch his friend, much less sit near him.

The sudden outburst had disturbed the quiet, even though JC could still hear Chris� snores from his bunk. The dark night flew by the windows, revealing nothing of the countryside outside.

�I� It�s my parents,� Justin said. He ran his hands through his mess of curly hair. He clenched them until his knuckles stood out white against his dark curls, as if he could find the answers to his problems in there.

�They seemed to take the news pretty well.� JC sat up a little.

Justin released his grip on his head, trying to exhale a little. He visibly inhaled and exhaled. JC watched, concerned. He watched the flutter of Justin�s nervous moments and felt terrible when he couldn�t do anything to help. �I� I don�t know. I mean, my mom is acting so weird around me now,� he said. �It�s like she�s treating me differently. Not badly, just� differently. Because I�m gay.�

�Are you sure that�s the reason?� JC asked, voice soft.

�What else could it be?� Justin leaned forward, scrubbing his hands through his hair again. He seemed terribly out of it � tired, moody and confused. JC wanted to hug him, hold him, but he couldn�t do that, not after what Justin had said to him.

�Maybe because you�re acting so weird,� said JC. He sighed, not wanting to say what he was about to. �I wasn�t going to tell you, but your mom actually called me, asking me if you�re okay. It�s not because you�re gay, Justin. She�s just worried. You�ve been� you�ve been pushing everyone away.�

�What?� Justin�s voice was muffled because his head was still bent forward.

�Yeah�� said JC. �I don�t think it�s her, Justin. It�s� you. What�s wrong?�

Justin looked up and JC almost recoiled, seeing the shine of tears in those bloodshot eyes. For a moment, they just stared across the bus at each other. Finally, Justin spoke again. �I�m fucked up, C,� he whispered. �I�m so fucked up.�

�Justin�� JC felt his heart breaking into pieces and he couldn�t stop himself from moving to sit beside Justin. He hugged his friend, wrapping his arms around Justin�s body and holding him tight.

Now, Justin didn�t push JC�s touch away � he welcomed it as if he had needed it all along. Justin seemed so frail, shaking and sobbing against him.

�Oh, honey. You�ll be okay. You will,� said JC, over and over.

They stayed like that for a long time.

* * *

Some time later, how long JC wasn�t exactly sure, Justin quieted down. They lay together on the sofa, Justin holding JC tight, their chests pressed together. JC�s hand rubbed soft circles in Justin�s back, between the jut of his shoulder blades.

Finally, even the sniffles had evened out into regular quiet breaths. JC thought Justin had fallen asleep. He lay there and stared at the bus ceiling for a while, just feeling the rhythmic movement of Justin�s breathing, the rise and fall of his chest.

JC was startled when Justin spoke.

�C?� Justin lifted his head, eyes still red and bleary, but no longer crying.

�Just, I thought you were asleep,� said JC. His hand still stroked comfortingly along the smooth curves of Justin�s back.

Justin was watching him intently. �I love you.�

�I know,� said JC with a soft smile.

�I love you,� said Justin again, as he leaned forward to kiss JC, feeling something inside him begin to heal over, mend together again.

The End