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Hi, my name is Linda. I am 39 yrs old. I am a crack/cocaine addict and have a dual diagnosis with several mental illness titles to add: Depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD, OCD, and I have an antisocial personality disorder which means I do not feel compassion or empathy for others. 15% more people with this personality disorder are addicts like me.
But we as addicts cannot blame others for addictions. Another person may have played a part in your beginning but did not ultimately force you to try drugs. You did this yourself. You most likely new the consequences of trying a particular drug, but either felt you were above addiction or didn't care or like in most causes just didn't think. Because if you had thought about it - you would never have tried anything. You would of ran as far and as fast as your legs could carry you if you had any idea how you would end up in just a few short years.
I know... I thought I was above those people with addictions. Those people I thought just didn't have any willpower, or they just didn't care about anyone but themselves. I mean they got high every chance they got, didn't that mean they liked it.
Little did I know then, that most of those folks wanted to quit, tried to quit, but lacked either the knowledge of how, or the desire to stop the insanity. Most of those folks, I thought were having a great time getting fucked up... were dying inside. Wishing they knew how to stop this insane thinking, stinkin thinkin it's called. The stinkin thinkin that brings them back to the drug even if they have days clean or weeks clean. They run back to the drug if they have a bad day, or it rains or somebody cuts in front of them on the road. Well before they ever picked up a drug, they handled these situations differently - but now (they only know one way) and that is to pick up the drug again and numb the pain... to hide inside their sick minds and bodies til they don't feel anymore.
Well you know what, when the drug is gone. The feeling comes back - just like that. Then not only are you mad, sad, depressed, lonely, angry and tired - you are also most likely broke, homeless, hungry and definately not numb. So here goes that insane thinking all over again... lets get some money (steal, rob, kill, prostitute), ok we got the money, now find a dealer - call one, cop on the street, whatever... okay now you got the crack - find a place to smoke it. Now lite up that pipe, and inhale deep - now doesn't that feel good. For about 20 minutes it feels glorious. Then what?
What do you do now? Do you chase the dragon all nite... the insanity of creating ways to get money, finding a dealer who won't rip you off, smoking, then coming down and runing all nite in a circle. You may as well be a monkey in the circus for the circles you will be running that nite.
Eventually you will come down. Some will use benzos, some will use alcohol, some will just go mad. Some people like me can just take a hit and go to sleep. But when I wake up, man do i want a hit. So does everybody else who uses. There is one thing for sure and addict wants every day and that is another hit.
And that is how I became the new me - the CRACK ADDICT.