Randi
Lee Gilhoi Frye
November
4, 1955 – October 6, 2001
St.
Andrew’s
Mililani
Mortuary Chapel
On April 30, 2001 Randi
wrote an email to Bob and Mary. This
is a slightly shortened version. We
found it inspiring.
Dear Mom
and Bob,
I’m
writing you at 12:30 a.m. I just
never know when the pain is going to hit. I
took a pain pill and another sleeping pill, so soon I think I’ll be ok.
I think I need to talk to Laeton (her friend, colleague and medical
advocate/advisor) tomorrow about starting radiation again.
I so want to go on a vacation with Steve to celebrate life before I get
sick and bald. I just hope we’re
not too late to get the reservations we’d like.
I went
to Laeton and
I can
tell you he reaffirmed my belief that death is a blissful experience – it’s
all about being filled with the warmth of sunshine – not temperature warmth,
but a slow moving happy light that fills your mind, and your body, I believe.
It was like sitting in the shade when the sun slowly breaks through the
clouds and glows within you, rather than on you.
And then last night I had a really neat dream where I was in a field of
rainbows – it was awesome! They
were all different heights and were all over.
It was interesting in that they were all mostly low rainbows.
Again, I don’t know the significance of that, if there is any.
Anyways,
I wanted to share all these good thoughts with you and to let you know your
caring messages are really helping me. I
love to feel your love and look forward to being able to hug you in June!
Love,
Randi
Randi
died very peacefully at home with Steve, early Saturday morning, October 6,
2001. That afternoon, many rainbows
were seen near their home.
Eulogy
for Randi Lee Gilhoi Frye
The introductory remarks
were written by Chris Jansen, with his wife, Arlene, close friends of Randi’s
through the
Death is a universal
experience. No one can hope to
escape. It is only a matter of time til it comes to each one of us, and each one
of those we love. Steve and her
family, our deepest sympathy from all of us goes out to you tonight.
Through Randi, you all must know that we have become your family too.
It is an honor to be given
the opportunity to eulogize Randi. She
was a friend, someone we loved, someone who made us smile, and someone who
provided sparkle to our life’s tapestry. Randi
did not waiver, she always had both feet on the ground, someone who you related
to, someone who made you feel better after her laugh, after you had her grace.
Tough times never last, but
touch people do. None of us
would be here tonight if there wasn’t something that we felt for or had gotten
from our warm friend. All of us have
lost something dear. A part of us is
gone. We will not be cheered
by the sound of her hardy laugh. She
always made you feel special. When
you talked to her you were the center of her attention.
In some way we were all
enriched for having known her in our lives.
We were blessed having crossed paths with her.
Over the last few days, I know each and everyone of us had visions of
special things that happened – those magical moments.
That is what we should remember and get comfort from now.
That is why we must look forward knowing we are better people because she
was our friend.
On this solemn occasion, we
must be reminded that friendship is dear. It
is a gift that can only be used if we give and take from each other.
While we are here tonight, we should rededicate ourselves to those people
who mean so much t us. Reach out to
each other. Commit to tell each
other how much your life sparkles with the spiritual gift that – you my
friend, helps create. Hug each other while you can.
As Steve summed it all up
earlier this week for me: she was a
great lady. Let’s rejoice that our
spirits have had the opportunity to dance with hers.
For me there is a tombstone in
This
eulogy was put together by the members of Randi’s family, including her
parents Bob and Mary Warren, who couldn’t be here today.
One of the strongest themes
in our discussions was Randi’s professionalism and her commitment to work.
We don’t know for sure if there’s a Heaven, but if there is, we’re
sure that Randi is already reorganizing at least one department or reviewing an
angel hierarchy to find a more efficient use of heavenly resources.
Work was her life, and we just can’t imagine her giving that up.
One might say she’s making her ‘final accounting.”
Randi Lee Gilhoi Frye began
her life in a naval hospital in Great Lakes,
In her early teens, Randi
moved with her family to
During those high school
years, her father, Russ Gilhoi, passed away.
Randi took on extra responsibilities for her younger siblings, which has
lasted all these years, as well as helping her mom with driving, housekeeping,
yard work and part-time jobs. In
fact, she had trouble giving up some of those responsibilities after
her mother remarried.
Randi went to college
intending to become a marine biologist, only to find that college life,
chemistry and calculus weren’t for her. So,
she entered the world of full-time work and found her true calling.
As she wrote in a college paper (written much later in life, when she
loved college and graduated with a degree in occupational management):
“I experienced the thrill of having my first, very own desk, the
camaderie of the office, and a paycheck! I
was learning and earning! It was so
much fun to be working – I absolutely loved it.”
In her early 20s she met and
married Jerry Broughton. They
settled into what she described as middle class,
They moved, of course, and
eventually settled on the north shore. Through
scuba diving and snorkeling, marine biology became Randi’s favorite hobby
rather than her career.
As her first marriage
dissolved, Randi discovered a new passion in business and accounting under
several mentors. She wrote, “I
learned to love the surety, meticulousness and neatness of numbers.”
She also said “I buried myself in work and became addicted to it.
I enjoyed challenging myself to see how much work I could do, and then
immediately try to surpass that level.”
She wasn’t all work and no
play, however. By the mid-80s
she’d become part of a terrific circle of friends unofficially known as the
Pau Hana group. Randi always had
great stories to tell about their gatherings.
And, true to form, she loved when it was her turn to organize the details
for their famed camp outings. She
also formed friendships and enjoyed many social gatherings with her colleagues
at work; these colleagues became her extended family.
In 1991, Mike and Raynette
arranged a blind date for Randi and Steve. They
really enjoyed each other’s company and began dating regularly.
They took it slow at first, seeing each other only on weekends for the
first couple of years. In 1994 Steve
proposed to Randi while on a dinner cruise off
This summer, when asked,
“what are you most proud of doing in the past 10 years?” Randi’s reply was
immediate, “meeting and marrying Steve.”
She also learned a lot from Steve, most important of which was learning
to slow down, relax, and enjoy life.
Having the opportunity to be
a mother and friend to Shanna was very important and special for Randi.
And Shanna talked about how lucky she felt to have a second mother and
friend to count on and look up to.
As busy as Randi was, and she
was always busy, whenever family or friends were in need, she would drop
everything to help them out. She
always enjoyed doing special things for people.
Despite being far away, Randi kept the family connected through her
calls, emails, letters, gifts and visits. She
opened the world of
Unfortunately, it was only in
the last year or so that Randi began to realize how many things she was missing
out on because of her commitment to work. She
was in the midst of scaling back her work and
professional activities to spend more time with family and friends and to do
some of those activities she previously enjoyed.
She left a lot of her life unlived, but lived the life she loved.
She would want to be
remembered as a hard-working, successful, caring business-woman.
She was all of those things. She
was also a loved and loving wife, daughter, sister, mother and friend.
We will remember, too, her laugh, her love of jokes, her marathon
late-night phone calls, her glass (or so) f wine, her travel-agent capabilities,
and her inability to throw anything away. All
of the cards, gifts, notes that people sent her meant so much to her.
In fact, she kept almost every single one!
We love you, Randi, and we
miss you. We know you’re looking
after us, just as you always have. Be
at peace, and thank you for everything.
Randi was my first baby and
she taught me a lot about being a mother. She
was a wonderful daughter. I’m very
proud of her, as I am also proud of Susie and Eric. She
liked to take care of everyone in a way that let you know you were special.
She helped a lot of people in many ways.
As a boss, she encouraged employees to row and be successful.
As a friend, she brought people together in good relationships.
As a family member, she fostered closeness and happy times.
I had good times when I was with her.
She was fun, knew how to laugh and make others laugh.
Randi was also very
competitive. In school and work she
competed with herself to keep doing a better job.
In games she was fierce! Playing
double solitaire with her was almost scary.
She loved music. We enjoyed a
lot of it together. I remember in
Randi loved the ocean and
collected shells to bring some of it home with her.
As with many other treasures, she seldom threw any of them away.
And some other fun things about Randi:
she was an expert at getting through traffic signals at the yellow light;
now when we do it, we say we’re doing a Randi.
She didn’t really care for cooking.
And one time, she said her cooking was confined to Chex Mix!
I loved and love her a lot
and I miss her. I still wait for her
calls on Sunday night. Good-bye, my
firstborn, my beloved daughter.
In
one of them I shall be laughing
And
so it will be as if all the stars were laughing
When
you look at the stars at night.
– The Little Prince
Antoine
de Saint-Exupery
When I got real lucky and
Mary agreed to marry me, I also got the bonus of three great kids.
One of them was Randi. I
first got to now her when she was in confirmation at All Saints Lutheran church.
I remember a retreat when we played a power game that represented the
peoples of the world, the wealthy and the poor.
Randi, of course, was one of the power people who had a lot and got a lot
done. However, her great concern was
what she could do to make it better for those who had little or nothing. To me
that characterizes Randi’s spirit – a hard-working achiever who never lost
her caring for people. I am
impressed by what one of her employees said after her death:
first she was a friend and then she was a boss.
She cared a lot about people. She
welcomed me into the family even though, as I learned years later, I usurped her
place in the family in some ways, like lawn mowing.
Randi’s enthusiasms for
life opened up a lot of fun discoveries for lots of us, including me.
She introduced me to a lot of fascinating sea creatures, from tiny
urchins to huge whales. When we
vacationed in
The morning Randi died, Mary,
Susie and I were sitting at the kitchen table before taking Susie to the airport
to go and be with Randi. As we sat
there we went through a brief service of prayer, releasing someone to die.
We used Randi’s name as we prayed it.
Then Steve called as we were ready to leave to tell us Randi had died 20
minutes earlier, just about the time we were praying about her release.
Thank you God, for letting me
share all these years with Randi. I
miss her but am glad I can leave her with you.
Shanna came to Hawaii to help take care of Randi,
but Randi died just a few days afterwards. So,
Shanna helped take care of all of the family and friends with grace and cheer.
Words could never express how
I feel about Randi. Form the day we
first met, she welcomed me into her life, with loving, caring, and open arms.
She always encouraged me, supported me, and believed in me.
She truly was a major influence in my life.
I can’t emphasize enough
how lucky I feel to have been a part of her life.
She was an incredible woman, mother and friend.
I love her. I miss her.
She will always be with me.
With love,
Shanna
The mid-80s was a difficult
period in my life. I simply wasn’t
happy and so I set off to figure out why. I
did a lot of soul searching in those days. I
began reading the books of every self-help guru that came along.
I went through dozens of books on psychology, religion and philosophy in
an attempt to find the “light.” I
eventually became convinced that the only way I could truly make major changes
in my life was to free myself from the shackles that I felt were holding me
back; those being the “behavioral expectations” of those around me.
(People know you as you are and expect you to stay that way).
I came to
Many believe that our current
existence is merely a small phase in a continuing journey that spans many life
times. And, that we are to seek out
the “enlightened ones” along our path that could show us the “way.”
Randi was one of the “enlightened ones.”
She was truly an angel, possessing al of the qualities I was seeking.
Never had I met a more caring and honest soul.
Randi was a remarkable lady who touched the hearts of all who knew her.
Her kindness and compassion were genuine and universal.
Randi loved everyone and everyone loved her.
I will be forever grateful for having the good fortune to have shared in
her life.
Randi understood me like no
other. When I was down she knew
exactly what to say, or do, to lift my spirits.
She was my partner, my friend, my teacher and my love.
I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her.
We often talked about all the exotic places we’d visit once we retired,
the new hobbies we’d take up and the charities we would support with our extra
time. I miss her dearly.
Although Randi is no longer
with us, I am comforted in the thought that she’s in a glorious place now, a
place free of suffering and a place where, I am certain, we will someday be
reunited. And who knows, perhaps
then we can continue our retirement plans together.
Randi, thank you so much for
all you have done for me. I
couldn’t imagine that any woman could ever be more perfect or more precious
than you were to me. Together we
laughed and cried. We helped each
other through the best, the worst and all else in between. I will forever
cherish the many wonderful memories we share.
You will live in my heart forever.
Your loving husband,
Steve
Ruth
Nordsletten Scwatz was slated to visit and care for Randi in November.
She and her husband Dale have been stalwart friends to Randi and to all
of Randi’s family through these past difficult months.
This is not the letter I
wanted to write. How do you put on
paper a friendship that has walked through 33 years of a person’s life?
There have been many memories that I have had with my best friend, my
soul mate from high school. You
see, we were “the Bertha Butt Sisters.
We became friends in 7th
grade English. She got the good
grades, and I started out with the bad ones,
and she made me mad – she was the teacher’s pet.
Stayed after class many days, to rise to the challenge, and the rest is
history. We have been there for each
other through the good times and the bad. Thankfully
we have had many times of laughter that I would love to share.
We did a Boundary Waters
canoe trip, our first big challenge, to take on the wilderness, as Randi worked
through the death of her father. It
was a hard trip with protégés, mosquitoes, mud and shooting the rapids.
We formed a great team on that trip.
We were the only canoe not to scratch on the boulders, Randi at the bow,
calling out commands and I at the stern, the ruder responding to her warnings of
what lay ahead.
There were many firsts with
Randi, for instance, skinny-dipping at the cabin.
Losing always at card games, the Gilhoi family took counting cards with
great pride. The deck was stacked
against me, but the donuts helped ease the pain.
We were at times partners in
crime. For reasons I can not
remember (Eric could tell you) Randi
and I threw Eric in his PJs out in the snow bank behind the house, locked him
out the kitchen door and laughed. The
pay back challenge began that weekend; the pranks never seemed to end.
One of the funniest times was
the weekend we went shopping for homecoming dresses.
To make a long story short, Randi was blessed with curves, wile I had the
form of a stick. Clothes did not
hang the same on both shapes. Life
is not fair. We had to model the end
result for the home front. Randi was
first, gliding through the room, and I had to go second.
To help where nature had left off (or had not started yet), I stuffed
Randi’s whole sock drawer (almost) in the dress.
After rounding once through the room, I started pulling out one sock at a
time, ‘til by the end I had littered the living room in socks.
We all laughed until we cried. I
especially did, for I had to pick up all the socks.
Randi’s move to
Life does take us down
different paths as we make different choices.
She got her degree in
These last six months have
been a blur of memories. Anyone who
loved Randi walked with her in the journey with cancer.
When Steve and Randi left on the cruise this spring, I gave her a book,
“The Prayer of Jabez.” The focus
of the book is prayer and the blessings of God, relationship and faith.
We prayed for her to have healing – emotionally, spiritually and
physically. A co-worker was part of
a Prayer Team Ministry and asked if they could pray with her, and they did.
Randi experienced the presence of God that day, like she had never known
before, but similar to what she had experienced when she had an out-of-body
experience when she almost died with the tubal pregnancy.
She thought that she would not recover this time with her cancer, that
she would die. I would not accept
that. I was going to focus on not if
she was going to live or die but to fill her up with all that I knew from my
faith walk. God wants us to know of
his love, forgiveness and the blessings he has for us, no matter how long we
have to live. Randi had questions
and we searched for answers together, some unanswered.
Randi now knows the answer. These
last three years I have been part of the Prayer Ministry at my church, with
teens and young adults. I shared my
heart with Randi, and she hers.
I had just finished a book,
“Final Gifts,” written by hospice nurses about the final journey of cancer.
In the last days to weeks, cancer patients have “near-death
awareness,” have visions and see what we cannot see. Randi had dreams and
visions. Steve said she was
“looking right through him.” Thursday
evening when I learned that she was near death, knowing she would not recover
this time, to hold the phone to her ear. I
told her that we all loved her and we would miss her.
She did not respond, but started to cry and her breathing became labored,
so Steve came back on the line. I
thanked him for what he had done for her, being her rock and fortress in her
battle with cancer. My prayer for
her those final days was tat she would be carried by God’s love and his
presence. I prayed that angels would
stand around her bed, and ease her pain and fears of leaving all the people she
loved behind. For that was her
biggest worry, leaving us, having to go through the grieving process without her
there to help. She was always
thinking of others before herself.
Steve said that when Randi
died it was very peaceful. She
just slipped form this life, her face was radiant, she was lovely like an angel,
she was beautiful. I believe she
reflected what she saw as she was dying, looking into the face of God, who was
restoring her body. The battle with
cancer was finished, there would be no more pain.
But I, just like a little child at the end of the day, not wanting to go
to bed but linger, at the end of one’s life things become more precious, you
want time to stand still … just 5 more minutes …
I’ll miss you, my dearest
friend.
Love, Ruth
This is a very hard thing to
write because it’s way too young for us to think that things like this happen.
We all think things like this will never happen and we tend to put off
things until we are much older. Sometimes
things happen that we can’t understand and this is what happened to a very
special person in my life.
I met Randi almost twenty
years ago today on my honeymoon with Ruth. I
heard a great deal about Randi through Ruth and couldn’t wait to meet her.
It seemed to me that she loved to play practical jokes and that was right
up my alley. Ruth was also right in
the fact that she had a heart of gold and was always there with a beautiful
smile and there to help anyone.
Randi and Ruth were the first
two young ladies to take me snorkeling. What
more could I ask for? A babe from
the Mainland and a babe from
I know how hard it was for
her o go through al this because I lost a dear friend five years ago who went
through the same battle. I know that
my friend will be there to meet her along with many other special people just
like her.
From her Lakeville friend,
Dale Schwartz
Sometimes when I talked to
Randi on the phone, I found the connection between
I visited Randi and Steve in
I think Randi was looking for
symbols during the time I was there, just as I was.
We talked about cardinals, her favorite bird (the Hawaiian version is
gray with a red head), and how she had stopped hearing them outside her window
when she found out her cancer had returned.
I saw them everywhere on my daily walks, so I know they were still there
even though she didn’t hear them. We
talked about the orchid plant a friend had given her when the cancer was first
diagnosed and how it was now blooming for the first time in three years.
I think Randi was looking for meaning
in even the smallest details of the life around her, maybe because so
much of her life was now confined to the minute details of living day to day.
Breathing in and out. Cards
from friends. The daily newspaper.
News from the folks back in
I can’t summarize my visit,
probably because I haven’t yet synthesized it for myself.
We mostly talked about all sorts of things:
family stories. Mary future.
Birds. Work.
Why neither of us had ever had children.
Our regrets. I tried to cook
and tried not to get lost and tried to talk about sports to keep Steve company,
but I have no expertise in Sumo wrestling or women’s volleyball (the lead
sports stories while I was there).
Randi and I frosted Christmas
sugar cookies in Aloha colors, baked using my Mom’s recipe (Randi said she
always kept her fingers crossed that my Mom’s cookie jar had sugar cookies in
it). Steve drove us around at least
half of
Randi loved the view of the
ocean, spreading out until forever, that you see coming up over the hill heading
towards the North Shore of Oahu. She
loved Steve and the life they had together.
She loved her family. She
loved her job. She loved meatloaf.
She loved birds, especially cardinals.
She loved the fact that I managed to get lost the first time they sent me
off on my own in
We loved hearing her laugh.
I will rejoice in the day when I hear it again, without any time delay.
With love,
Lisa
This is one of my fondest
memories of Randi. In 1986, Randi,
Eli, Chris and I went to
Then Randi, being the patient
and understanding friend that she was, said, “I’ll teach you.
I used to teach little kids to ski back home.”
So, we went back out, she got me on the bunny hill and skied with me down
the hill. She had me place my skis
inside her skis and we skied down the hill.
Then she taught me to snow plow. It
was wonderful! I was skiing!!
She gave me the confidence that I was lacking and made the sport so much
fun! I have since taken many lessons
over the years and now (though I haven’t skied in a few years), ski decently.
But, I will always remember my first lesson, and my first TRUE teacher
– Randi!
With love,
AR (Arlene)
Patti and Randi go way back to MRI days. She helped Randi decorate Steve’s and Randi’s new home in Kapolei. She even got Randi to sew! Randi and she have shared many professional experiences, laughter and glasses of wine. Patti’s read laugh and “let’s go get-‘em” attitude were a great help to Randi.
Dear Randi:
I hope you are settled in to
your new surroundings by now. I know
you have already made some great new friends.
I have some good friends that live where you do now, and I have asked
them to take care of you. My son has
been there quite a while, so I’m sure he can show you the ropes.
I hope you two don’t get into too much trouble together.
(Stay away from my mom … she’s really a pill).
I miss having you available
to call and chat with. I am
remembering your great warmth and how you always were genuinely interested in
what was going on in my life. And
there were many problems you helped me solve.
I thank you for the years of friendship and your sense of humor.
I remember recently when I called you to ask you what you and Steve had
decided to do as a next step to
recovery. This was at a time when
you knew that things were pretty bad. You
said without even a trace of a smile in your voice, “Well, Steve and I have
decided that I should not have a baby.”
Sometimes when you came up
with these “one liners” I had to stop and think if you were kidding.
I miss your sense of humor a lot.
I have been Christmas
shopping and am sorry that the cost of shipping will prohibit me from sending
you a gift this year because I have found so many things that I know would give
you such joy. I loved to see your
face light up like a kid. I remember
when we were at MRI and I made you a “Christmas stocking” that was actually
a basket of things I thought you might enjoy.
I think it had a large wooden “Nutcracker Suite” man, some holiday
napkins and napkin holders, bottle of wine, etc.
Well, I think you talked
about that basket for years to come. You
cherished everything I ever gave you
and commented on these items for years after.
In that way, I knew that you were always genuinely appreciative of all
things big and small.
I remember your grief when I
accidentally (I think) disposed of a gecko in my garbage disposal.
You were horrified to the point of tears.
Honestly Randi, I don’t know whether I was so scared of this thing and
it was a reflex action or what!! Please
forgive me.
I remember our talks about
having kids and how I convinced you (I think) that it wasn’t all it’s
cracked up to be, and that to choose and have good friends around you is just as
rewarding as changing diapers and getting up at 2 a.m.
I think you really believed this after meeting my granddaughter when she
arrived here in
I hope they have a good
Chardonnay iced up for you every sunset and hope you have put on a few pounds
with all the good food.
Well, until I see you again,
remember that I love you, and you should know that life is not as fulfilling as
it used to be when we could talk and laugh and meet for dinner at Chili’s.
If you have any pull at all, please try to get me a good spot when I move
there so that we can be close to each other again.
Please tell my son that I miss him too.
Your loving friend,
Patti
There are so many of you who
have stories and memories of Randi that are now yours alone.
But when she was alive in body, she held them in her heart and memory and
storage boxes and “To reply to” stacks.
She also relayed many of your stories to us via the phone and in person.
Your calls and
correspondence, plus the gifts, books and CDs that you sent, illustrate how much
you enlivened and supported her. You
were an integral part of her laughter, her life, her struggle, and her release.
You gave her joy and the very important sense of belonging.
We regret we could not elicit
and express everyone’s feelings and thoughts in this small booklet.
If your thoughts or emotions or words are not represented here, please,
take no offense. You know that she
treasured each word, letter, card and call from you.
Randi was an incredibly
special person. You knew her in your
own way. She treasured the
relationship she had with you. Thank
you, on her behalf, and on ours.
With love,
Mary, Bob, Eric and Susie