| This is my page, where I go on and on about misc. things. I myself have many problems mentaly, and I don't flaunt this. But I hope to enlighted people on similar situations. I like to be a person to relate to. What do you want to know about venturing into this page? Suicide? Self-Mutilation? Delousions? Eating-dissorders? All of these I suffer from... Maybe you're just here for a laugh... Or perhaps you need a shoulder to lean on... Whatever the case, please understnad I write these so therepudic reasons... SUICIDE: Ah... the dear old "cowards" esacape as it is dubbed... Maybe I was just a coward, but to me, suicide seemed like the only way out. Maybe for those you can get away with it, it's bliss, or maybe it's hell. I must admit, I am angry with God, and if you have taken the senic route of my page, you would have read that I am a nihilist... Therefore, I believe in nothing... I have this whole theory that everything is my fault... Not in the whole "self-blaming" way, my theory is that everything in this world, I cause... You are only reading this page because I'm here... Perhaps it's being conceided, thinking that litterally the whole world revolves around me. Onwards with the whole suicidal tendencies... To me, when it gets to the point where I want to die, I can't control myself... The urge to hurt myself is unbearable... At times, I will get out of it with maybe a scratch... But usualy, when I can't control myself, I usualy end up in hospital with a IV in my wrist and a tube up my nose. If I really wanted to die though, I have to wonder, wouldn't I be dead already? When I attempt to kill myself, it's allways with the intentions to die. But there's allways that part in me that's glad I didn't succeed. I guess, it's a way to cry out for help. It comes to the point where I hate myself that much... I'm sure everyone has had that feeling, where, they can't go on another second. For some, it's so tremendous that I have to act upon it. There's no worse feeling then lying in a hospital bed, with somone very dear to you praying for God to spear your life. Recently, in october 2001, I attempted to take my life for perhaps the 10th time that year. And, the doctors, not caring at all, shoved that wonderful blissful tube in my nose, and pumped me full with charcol. Mmmm... Delicious. Now, I've offered to go to joint thereapy, treatment, hospitalization et cetera... And, all the doctors refuse... This anger's me to the point where I think to myself, "When I'm dead, you'll be sorry!" Why it's like this, I have no idea... I'm killing myself slowly, and it seems like no one cares enough to put my in therapy... I now have a new phycaiatrist (excuse my english) but I've just started with her on the 4th of January 2002, I'll keep you all posted on my trials and errors. I don't even know what I suffer from! How am I supposed to get better, if I don't even understand my didease? -Suzanna Kayson That's exactly how I feel... Writing this, and looking back on all my suicidal stimualtion, I want more then ever to just go to sleep forever... It seems that everything is so bad, when I have everything I could ever hope for. Perhaps it's denile... Perhaps it my conclusion... Whatever the case, I can't see myself in future tenses... SELF-MUTILATION: This is a tricky one... There are many different forms of self-mutilation Cutting; Burning; Breaking Limbs; Anything that induces self-harm would be, by my definition, "self-mutilation" I, personally, am a cutter. My arms, legs and stomach. Self-Mutilation is what you do to feel when you lack feeling... But, you don't see how much it hurts others... I have met people you flaut they're scars like a badge of honor. I find this degrading and moraly wrong. I am scarred for life... I will allways bear these marks of shame...And I hide my scars from prying eyes. Being a nihilist, I lack the creativity to feel. So naturaly, cutting seems like a great alternative to everyday life. It makes you feel alive for a split second, then it's gone as quickly as it came. And it leaves you wanting more. It's a drug... More addictive than tabbaco, more effective then heroine. And it's encredbly hard to justify or deal with. There are many other alternatives to cutting or burning etc. One thing that works a little is taking a rubber band, this works well also to quit a bad habbit, put it around your wrist and snap it whenever you get a urge Another thing, that hurts like a bitch, is to take a icecube, put it to your wrist and hold it there until you can't anymore. I can guarentee you won't be able to hold it until it's finished melting!! Self-mutilation is rather common among young women than young men. Eating-Disorders: Now, some people think than an eating disorder, let's call it a ED, is when you think you're fat and you eat nothing in order to become skinny. Well, yes and no.1st of all an eating disorder can be a number of many things. I'm oly going to be talking about the ones i've suffered from. Over-eating, ublemia and anerexia. I've over comed 2 of the 3. Now most people believe that people who suffer form ed's are super model thin. Well, i can tell you that I am not super model thin, and many I know weigh over 120lbs. and suffer from ed's. I guess on my part, my ed's consits of me thinking i'm over-weight and doing everything in my power to loose weight. As most "disorders" they are commenly found in young women. Eating disorders are hard to over come. And it's not just because the person suffering thinks they're fat. It could jsut happen with anyone. skinny or over weight It's a mental disorder as i was told. A mental disorder that turns into a physical disorder |