Warnings: Angst, angst and yet more angst, because I love
seeing them cry. And Hisoka torture, again.
Chapter Six
Tatsumi shuffled through the mountains of bills irritably. There were bills to be cleared, bills to be staved off, bills that he might actually get off with...he wasn’t in a very good mood at the moment. Money almost made the core of his existence, almost, and having to work for the rest of eternity in a division that was forever in debt more than needled him. Clearing up the debts of Enmacho was Tatsumi’s main objective in his afterlife.
It might well take him more than an eternity to achieve it.
Tatsumi was still pondering new ideas to reduce the costs and expenses when the door to his office banged open with a crash. Tatsumi was about to snap at the offender, which he had no doubt at all was Watari being overly-enthusiastic about yet another ridiculous experiment, when he saw who the person was.
Tsuzuki stood at the doorway, his violet eyes empty and…lost. He was a mess—dark brown hair matted to his forehead and half-covering his eyes with dirty streaks running down his cheeks.
Tsuzuki had been crying.
The bills in Tatsumi’s hands fell to the table, completely forgotten at the sight of the man before him. A familiar ache rose in Tatsumi’s heart. The image of Tsuzuki crying, of Tsuzuki trying so hard to prove that he wasn’t…as always it brought back memories of his mother.
The visage of Tsuzuki struggling to show that he was all right made the inner walls that Tatsumi had painfully erected with the years collapse like they always did.
Your
happiness is my happiness.
//
Tsuzuki-san, why can’t I make you happy? //
// I’m
not the one to be with you, I’ve lost that privilege, now only Kurosaki-kun
can…//
Why did Tsuzuki always cry when he was with him? What did he do wrong?
“Tatsumi…” Tsuzuki’s lips trembled as he visibly tried to force back his tears.
Tatsumi stepped forward, a hand stretched forward towards Tsuzuki, when the latter suddenly grabbed him by the shoulders, almost shaking Tatsumi violently in grief and anxiety.
Words and emotions tumbled out in a rush.
“Tatsumi, Hisoka…Hisoka’s gone. I think Muraki has him and I couldn’t find him; he’s probably hurting and I wasn’t there to help. I promised to protect him and not let him get hurt anymore. I’ll never forgive myself, I don’t know what to do…” Tsuzuki’s voice rose in panic.
“Tsuzuki-san…”
“He needs me right now and I don’t know where he is. I promised, I promised…”
“Tsuzuki!”
Amethyst eyes blinked when Tsuzuki suddenly realized what he was doing. The other immediately released him.
Turning his face away, Tsuzuki whispered hoarsely, “Sorry, I’m sorry. I…just…”
“Sor-ry.’ Tsuzuki’s voice finally broke when the tears started falling again. Furiously, he tried to wipe them away, probably hoping that Tatsumi wouldn’t notice.
Tsuzuki was still trembling when Tatsumi gently pulled him into a hug.
“Tatsumi, I don’t know what to do without him, he’s always been there, and then he just isn’t and I can’t think of anything else at all except him…I…I don’t know what I’m feeling right now…”
Tatsumi closed his eyes painfully. Tsuzuki was the most important person in his life, and seeing him like this when Tatsumi only wanted him to be happy, especially after what he’d gone through…
“I need Hisoka. Without him, I’m nothing. Nothing.”
Tatsumi’s heart clenched with an undefined emotion. Was the boy that important to Tsuzuki?
The answer was undeniably yes. Hisoka was that important to the man who was crying in his arms.
Your
happiness is my happiness.
The child was the only person who could make Tsuzuki happy.
“Shhh…we’ll get him back.”
He would do anything to make Tsuzuki smile and laugh.
Wavering violet eyes met his gaze hesitantly. Tatsumi tried to smile reassuringly, even though it hurt him to do so. Why couldn’t he make Tsuzuki happy?
“I promise, I’ll do anything to get Kurosaki-kun back.”
//
Because I want you to be happy. //
***
He didn’t how long it had been, but he did know that the pain would never go away.
He didn’t even notice when Muraki left. The pain continued unabated even in the man’s absence. He could still feel Muraki’s touch on his mind, that sadism and twisted pleasure taking hold of him, the reminder of him forever being Muraki’s possession, his “doll.”
That one little part that still belonged to himself was hardly a comfort anymore. Only fear and terror remained.
There were few times when he had experienced fear of this magnitude, the first time being the night when he first met his murderer…
…the second and only other on the night when Tsuzuki tried to drown himself in the black flames of Touda.
Tsuzuki. That name seemed so far away, hardly more than the vaguest impression that remained in some buried corner of his mind, yet he clung to it the way a child would to a treasured possession.
Because Tsuzuki was his refuge, the only place that he could return to.
His existence hadn’t meant anything to anybody, he did not know if his parents mourned his death, if any living person he met still remembered his name.
Maybe they were glad that they were finally ridden of the child who was only a curse to the family.
He had forgotten how to care; it was Tsuzuki who reminded him of the reason to exist.
A person exists to care for others, and in return exists because there were people who returned that care.
It took him so long to understand. And even after that, it was so hard to make himself feel deeply for others.
It was even harder to accept that there were people who actually cared about him.
He had spent almost all of the sixteen years of his life building the ice walls that prevented people from reaching him; prevented him from getting hurt.
He didn’t know that even the ice of the mind could melt.
He didn’t know that he would ever feel warm again.
How did Tsuzuki do it? How did he tear away something that took the entire of a young life to build in only few months?
Was it by being there whenever Hisoka needed him? Or was it the solid protection that he offered?
Hisoka couldn’t remember anymore. Ever so slowly, his memories were fading. No matter how hard he tired to hang on, his mind couldn’t battle the force of his enhanced empathy.
Ironically, it wasn’t the gallant rescues or life-threatening danger that Tsuzuki went through for him that still remained in his mind.
His mind chose instead to remember the way Tsuzuki always knew what he wanted, be it privacy and solitude or company and comfort.
He remembered the silent understanding, the way Tsuzuki used to sit with him in the evenings, neither of them saying anything because words just weren’t needed.
He remembered the somewhat irritating mothering that always somehow touched him. The way Tsuzuki made sure he ate and slept, the other’s stubborn insistence that he didn’t take care of himself well enough.
There were also the times when Tsuzuki came over at night because the other knew that he didn’t like being alone in the dark, the times when a strong hand would grasp his in reassurance.
There were all those little things that formed his life, every one of them somehow connected to the idiotic Shinigami that constantly got on his nerves.
Maybe…it was because he existed to care for Tsuzuki, and in return existed because Tsuzuki returned that care.
That was why his place was by the other’s side.
It was because he chose to belong there. To be only there and no where else.
The young boy inside him was starting to cry again.
He wanted to go home. Go home to Tsuzuki.
The small voice inside him told him to go home. Could he?
His mind faintly registered shock when he managed to move his hands without restraint. Maybe he should wonder why his murderer chose to free him from his bindings, but he was no longer enough of himself to question it.
The pain was still there; it was forever there. Embracing it as a part of himself, he pushed himself off from the bed.
His body gave way beneath him as he tumbled onto the floor.
Even the small part of his mind that remained was enough to make him feel alarm and panic when he found that he didn’t even have the strength to get up.
It was only then that he understood why Muraki chose to free him. What was the point of binding a person who couldn’t move?
He also knew why he didn’t have the strength to even stand on his own feet. It was because all of his sources were being fueled towards his suddenly enhanced empathy.
His empathy was slowly draining him of his energy, and even the regenerative abilities of a Shinigami weren’t enough to sustain him.
Even the life force of a Shinigami could be depleted.
He was going to die.
Maybe dying would actually be a relief; he wouldn’t have to endure the agony anymore.
But he wanted to go home.
If he died, he wouldn’t be able to see Tsuzuki anymore.
He had to get up. If he could only get up…
Hisoka managed to pull himself up only to find his body once more collapsing onto the ground.
Standing on will power alone, he stumbled the few steps toward the door.
His last traces of hope flickered and died away when the door opened to reveal the man who did this to him.
Muraki’s lips curved into a cruel smile.
***
Tatsumi stood by the desk while Watari punched the keys on his keyboard furiously. Images, codes, and words flashed by the computer screen at an alarming rate.
What was even more alarming was that they had been in this room for five hours, and they could still find no trace of Muraki.
Tsuzuki had sat alone in the corner of the room, staring into space with eyes that were devoid of any feeling or emotion.
Five hours…Tatsumi started when Tsuzuki finally got up angrily, sending his chair falling backwards.
There were few times when he had actually seen Tsuzuki this furious.
It was almost frightening. Those violet eyes, just now so blank and empty, were now burning with unfathomable emotions.
Before Tatsumi could stop him, Tsuzuki had already grabbed Watari and begun shaking the other man angrily.
“What have you been doing!!?” he yelled, “We’ve been sitting here for hours while Hisoka’s probably being tortured to death be that psycho, and till now you’ve turn up with nothing at all! I would have accepted anything! A hint, a suspicion, even a rumour, but now…”
Tatsumi yanked him back. Tsuzuki spun to face him, and if Tatsumi had an inch lesser of his lauded self-control and composure, he would have flinched under the intensity of that burning gaze. Instead, he merely returned that gaze calmly.
“You will only delay him if you keep this up, Tsuzuki-san,” he said coolly.
He immediately regretted those words when Tsuzuki’s eyes were instantly filled with that self-blame and guilt that he continuously tormented himself with.
“I’m…sorry,” Tsuzuki muttered, “Watari, I’m sorry.”
Watari nodded, his eyes still filled with disbelief from Tsuzuki’s sudden display of anger.
Tatsumi was at a loss for words. What could he say that wouldn’t drive Tsuzuki even deeper into depression?
Abruptly, Tsuzuki grabbed his coat and turned towards the door.
“I’m going out to look for Hisoka again. Call me if you find anything.”
Tatsumi nodded. It was almost impossible to find the boy by searching blindly and aimlessly, but doing so would give Tsuzuki something to focus on and less opportunity to berate himself.
“We’ll find him.” Tsuzuki always needed that emotional support, and that was all he could offer at the moment.
Tsuzuki gave him a weak smile before leaving.
***
“You have a surprisingly strong will, bouya.”
Hisoka stumbled and fell to the ground, his temporary strength vanished into a torrent of panic and horror.
His eyes staring at the man before him in stark fear, he started backing away, hands and feet scrabbling across the rough floor as he pushed himself backwards.
Muraki slowly walked towards him. Hisoka gasped when his back met the wall.
“It is most pleasing to know that one of my dolls actually have some value, but it does get irritating at times.”
Kneeling down so that he met Hisoka eye to eye, he slowly ran a finger down the boy’s cheek. Hisoka wanted to scream as Muraki’s emotions started to gain control of him anew. He mustn’t lose that small part he had, he mustn’t…He didn’t care if Muraki could read his mind, if thinking of Tsuzuki was the only way to keep him from going mad, he was going to hang on to every last piece of the memories he shared with Tsuzuki.
Muraki seemed amused by what he saw. Flicking a strand of blonde hair to the side, he fingered one of the Celtic crosses that dangled from Hisoka’s ears.
“I noticed this just now, but I was…distracted by other matters. Tell me, boy, when have you started taking up jewelry?”
With a sudden twist, Muraki tore the earring out of his flesh, ignoring Hisoka’s pained scream as he studied the earring, now drenched in blood.
The earring’s twin met the same fate.
Hisoka stared blankly at the monster in front of him, his mind numb with fear.
“But Hisoka…they look soooo cute
on you!”
He hadn’t wanted to wear the earrings at first; they itched. But somehow he had forgotten to take them off.
Tsuzuki said he looked cute wearing them. He hated it when the other said that, he didn’t like being associated with the word “cute”, but when Tsuzuki had said it…
Muraki’s eyes blazed with sudden anger.
“It seems that you need a few extra lessons,” Muraki hissed.
Hisoka drew in a sharp breath when the stinging cold of a blade touched his skin.
Muraki trailed the dagger up his cheek, leaving a sharp trail of blood.
The dagger came to a rest before his eyes. Hisoka reeled. That…that was…
“Yes, bouya,” Muraki said, the softness of his words belied by the sharp rasp of metal meeting flesh, “Do you remember? That night…when I imprinted those cursed words on you, a curse that no one would be able to vanquish.”
Muraki smiled.
“Perhaps…you would want to experience it again.”
Hisoka couldn’t hear his own screams as the night of his nightmares replayed itself.
He didn’t need to see the moon to know that it was flaring with a crimson red.
***
He thought that his tears had dried longed since, but it appears that he was wrong.
He was left alone again; Muraki gone after he finished fulfilling his sadistic desires.
The old set of curse scars on his body burned like they never had before as they pulsed in alternation with the fresh wounds that Muraki had wrought upon him.
Two ancient sets of curses, working their way through his body, through his soul.
Was this really the end?
He missed Tsuzuki. Why wasn’t Tsuzuki here? Tsuzuki promised to protect him.
Would he ever see Tsuzuki again?
Hisoka stared at the door listlessly.
If he tried to leave again…would Muraki appear as he did the last time?
Hisoka laughed, an empty sound that sounded hollow to his ears.
He was going mad; he knew it. And he didn’t care anymore.
He might as well try. After all, what did he have to lose?
He had already lost his mind. He had nothing left.
Tsuzuki. The only thing he had left was his memories with his partner.
He reached out towards the door weakly.
It wouldn’t budge.
Hisoka slowly focused his empathy.
//Tsuzuki.//
As the force of his empathy roared within him, he knew his mind might not be able to bear the burden. If he collapsed…
//Think only of Tsuzuki.//
He had nothing left. If he lost this gamble, he wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore.
He pulled in even more of his power, could feel his empathy hungrily devouring the last of his resources, even if his mind survived, his body would not for long.
His life meant nothing anymore. So, for this one last time…
The door exploded outwards under the force of his power.
Hisoka garnered whatever strength he had left and stumbled through the doorway. The starless night sky greeted him.
The night sky would have been dark, except for a moon hanging high in the sky.
A moon tinged with the colour of blood.
Hisoka could hear himself laughing.
He wasn’t happy, nor was he relieved.
His laugh was that of an insane person.
He could only go forward. He had no idea of where he was, no idea of where to go.
Devoid of strength, devoid of hope, he didn’t really care.
He just wanted to see the only person who didn’t hate him.
Even that was too much to ask for.
Clutching the wall wearily, Hisoka forced himself to move on, falling to the ground with almost every step he took.
//Tsuzuki.//
***
Tsuzuki stared at the night sky, apprehension and dread filling his mind.
The moon was a bright red the
colour of blood.
//Hisoka,
where are you?//
Would he ever find him?
What had Muraki done to him?
“Don’t
leave me alone; I don’t want to be alone anymore…”
He had promised to stay. But now Hisoka was still alone, alone even after all the promises that Tsuzuki gave.
Hisoka had scolded him for making promises much too freely.
True, he had meant every one of his promises, the ones he made to Hijiri, Maria Won, Ikaruga…he had meant every one of them.
But…Hisoka was different.
With Hisoka, the promise was not only to the boy, but also to himself.
He promised himself that he would never allow Hisoka to get hurt.
Like every other one of his promises, he had broken the promise to himself.
How could he have failed Hisoka?
He would never forgive himself for this.
So many people had died because of him. Yet he still went on.
He knew that this time, the pain and self-condemnation would be carried with him till the end of his days.
He had never deserved happiness.
That night…he shouldn’t have accepted Hisoka’s offer to stay with him.
Now, because of his own selfish wish to stay with the boy, Hisoka was hurt.
His existence was a mistake.
Everything was a mistake.
Including Hisoka.
***
-- Now this is weird. Hisoka gets out of it on his own. I
kind of get the idea that most fanfics would put Tsuzuki to the rescue (don’t
know, I hardly have the time to read fanfics if I want to write them), so…I wish
Hisoka good luck. ^^ Well, it’s just that I think Hisoka could do it himself.
And Tsuzuki’s too busy being an idiot. Don’t worry, I’ll knock sense into him
later.