Tsuzuki walked into the office casually, humming softly to himself as he did so. As usual, each time he met one of his colleagues, he automatically tossed them a cheerful smile. It was rather difficult at first, most of them would be immediately concerned and shower him with tons of question—are you alright? Do you need anything? They were all trying so hard to not mention the words 'Kyoto, murder...' that it was almost painfully obvious what they were doing, not to mention the fact that they continually shot him looks of sympathy and worry. Time did solve most problems, though. Soon everybody came to believe that yes, Tsuzuki was alright and back to his normal idiotic and incorrigible self. Well, almost everybody, anyway.
Tatsumi would always look at him with this expression of understanding and mild sorrow, especially when he thought that Tsuzuki was not looking. Tsuzuki pretended not to notice, but it was hard not to. All of his closest friends knew that he hadn’t really gotten over the ordeal, and every one of them was treading on fragile ground around him. It hurt. It only made it even more difficult for him to forget. He wished that he wasn’t getting those looks of commiseration and pity. They seemed to tell him that he was never going to be free from this, that no matter what he did, he could never get past this.
As usual, Tsuzuki’s first stop was the break-room to check for any leftover cakes or sweets. That, like his carefree attitude, was what all his casual friends took to be one of those signs that say ‘Tsuzuki Asato’s back to normal’.
His eyes fell onto one single donut with chocolate frosting and sprinklings of chocolate and vanilla chips. He was just about to reach out for it, when…
Another hand snatched it away from him.
“Sorry, I’m hungry. This one isn’t available, find something else,” an extremely familiar voice told him wryly.
“Hi-so-kaaaa!” Tsuzuki wailed, lunging for the donut in Hisoka’s hand.
His younger partner deftly leapt out of the way, and while looking at him calmly, tore off a piece of the donut and started munching.
Tsuzuki gaped in shock. His donut…
“Mou…you’re mean!” That said, Tsuzuki pounced for the donut again, and this time managed to tackle Hisoka to the ground and grab the object of dispute.
Hisoka merely glared at him, called him a moron and got ready to leave the room.
However, Hisoka was effectively stopped in his tracks with Tsuzuki trying to stuff a piece of the donut into his mouth.
“What do you think you’re doing!??”
Hisoka asked in a strangled tone, trying to push him off while choking over
bits of donut.
“Hi-so-kaaa, you said you were hungry so I’ve decided to share! Can’t have you fainting on me, can I?”
“What did you mean by that?! Get off me, baka!” Hisoka yelled indignantly, finally managing to swallow the offending piece of donut.
“Mou…growing children need lots of nutrition!” Tsuzuki decided to skip over the fact that it was impossible for Hisoka to grow and thus did not need nutrition before resuming his initial task of feeding his partner.
“I said GET OFF ME!” If anything, that irritated Hisoka even more. “And I am NOT a child!”
“Come oooonnn…”
“You can have all of it! You were fighting for it in the first place anyway!”
“Nooo…you’re hungry…”
“I told you…!!”
Just right at that moment, Tatsumi walked into the room.
Predictably, the room went dead quiet.
Tatsumi studied the scene before him and arched one of his eyebrows quizzically.
It didn’t take a genius to know how they must have looked, with Tsuzuki practically all over a disheveled Hisoka, complete with the half-eaten donut. The liberal amounts of chocolate and vanilla chips sprinkled all over both of them didn’t do anything to help either.
“Tatsumi!” Tsuzuki exclaimed joyfully, blissfully unaware of the impending doom, “I was just trying to get Hisoka to eat!”
Tatsumi’s eyebrow rose even further.
Tsuzuki noticed that he was still holding Hisoka, whose cheeks were already a bright red.
// Hisoka’s cute when he’s blushing…// Tsuzuki mused inwardly.
“Ahh…Tsuzuki-san, I’m glad to see the two of you recovering so well,” Tatsumi commented, his tone hinting at a dozen other different meanings.
That did it. Hisoka was blushing so fiercely that he had turned the colour of sunset.
“Tsuzuki, get off me!” Hisoka hissed as softly as possible, though by the looks of it, not soft enough, since Tatsumi’s lips quirked ever so slightly.
Tsuzuki immediately released him. Hisoka was looking as if he would die for a second time from embarrassment any moment. Tsuzuki wondered why.
“Hi-so-kaaa…”
Hisoka merely glared at him as though something was his fault for some reason, said a curt ‘Ohayo, Tatsumi-san’, and stalked out of the room.
Tatsumi busied himself with a cup of tea, noting with amusement that Tsuzuki was staring after Hisoka, blinking in bafflement. Obviously Tsuzuki truly didn’t understand. Really, Tsuzuki can be hopelessly unaware of the situation at times.
Tsuzuki suddenly remembered that Tatsumi was still in the room.
“Morning, Tatsumi!”
Tatsumi narrowed his eyes significantly, “Speaking of mornings, Tsuzuki-san, I supposed I should count myself fortunate that you were late for work by fifteen minutes instead of twenty today.”
Tsuzuki coughed uncomfortably. Casting around for a subject to serve as some distraction, he suddenly said, “I’m got to go and look for Hisoka!” before trying to leave the room as fast as possible without making it too obvious. Which was probably wise, as Tatsumi was about to suggest deducting the unattended time from Tsuzuki’s salary. Considering the pitiful amount of a Shinigami’s pay and Tsuzuki’s impressive sum of increasing debts, the effects could be rather disastrous.
“Please inform Kurosaki-kun that there’ll be a staff meeting in half-an-hour’s time, Tsuzuki-san,” Tatsumi said.
“Haaaai!!” Tsuzuki called back before disappearing down the hallway.
Tatsumi almost smiled when he saw that Tsuzuki took the donut along with him as well. The fact that the purple-eyed Shinigami hasn’t devoured it yet was a near miracle by itself. Apparently, Tsuzuki hasn’t quite given up on feeding his younger partner.
Tatsumi sipped at his coffee thoughtfully. It might not be obvious, but Tsuzuki had already managed to work wonders on the boy. Tatsumi could still remember the cold, detached teenager that first entered Enmacho. Within the short span of time that those two had worked together as partners, Hisoka had already learned, tentatively, to accept human contact.
Hisoka was the one who risked his life and jumped into the flames to save Tsuzuki. He was the one who insisted on saving Tsuzuki when Tatsumi himself was already resigned to let him die.
Maybe, just maybe…Hisoka could redeem Tsuzuki from the darkness of his soul.
All Tatsumi ever wanted was Tsuzuki’s happiness. If Hisoka were the one to grant Tsuzuki that, Tatsumi would do anything to make sure that Kurosaki-kun did exactly that.
***
“Hi-soo-kaaa!!!”
Hisoka quickened his pace. Why can’t Tsuzuki ever give up? The idiot had to come looking for him. But of course, it was Tsuzuki’s nature to be friendly and caring towards everybody, even to the point that it became a distraction.
In fact, Tsuzuki cared so much that he hurt when he saw others suffering. He took it as a personal blame when he saw the people around him in pain. No wonder he became suicidal.
It still confuses Hisoka that someone could care so much for others. Maybe it was because Hisoka had never received any form of love from other humans. Tsuzuki’s open concern for him knocks him off-balance.
Even after he had learned to accept it, Tsuzuki’s enthusiastic nature managed to frighten him occasionally.
Like now.
“You should have waited for me!” Tsuzuki lamented. Not for the first time, Hisoka cursed himself for being eternally stuck in this puny sixteen-year-old form. No matter how fast he walked, it only took a few of Tsuzuki’s much longer strides to catch up.
“Why should I? Baka,” Hisoka retorted.
“Because I’m trying to make you eat!”
Hisoka felt his cheeks burning at the reminder of what had happened a few minutes ago.
“I do not need help in eating! Besides, it was you who took my food in the first place! Idiot!” Even as he said it, Hisoka knew that it wasn’t entirely true. Tsuzuki had been eyeing the donut before he made a grab for it. It was also common knowledge in Enmacho that Tsuzuki Asato had unwritten claim to any leftover desserts in the morning. Maybe it was because nobody could resist Tsuzuki in his puppy-dog form.
In fact, Tsuzuki was using that very trick right now in full force.
“What do you want now?” Hisoka demanded exasperatedly. Even so, the words weren’t as snappish as he had wanted them to be. Horrors. He was actually falling prey to a purple pair of puppy-dog eyes.
Tsuzuki handed him the half-eaten piece of donut.
Hisoka blinked. And blinked again.
Tsuzuki couldn’t be serious.
“I don’t want it. Honestly,” //Idiot//
“It’s unhealthy to go without your breakfast!” To Hisoka’s dismay, Tsuzuki looked as if he were about to start feeding him again.
“It isn’t as if I could die from starvation, much less the lack of one breakfast!” Hisoka snapped.
“Even Shinigami need to replenish their energy,” Tsuzuki told him in a perfectly serious tone.
“Why do you bother if I eat or not anyway?” Hisoka fought down the urge to whack the older Shinigami right then and there.
“Because you’re my partner!” Tsuzuki whined, “You’re like the little brother I never had!”
Hisoka didn’t need to look into a mirror to know that he was blushing. Again. Damn blushing reflex.
“Little brother? I think you’re old enough to be my grandfather,” Hisoka said dryly in a vain attempt to cover his own embarrassment. He considered it for a moment. “No, maybe a great-grandfather would be more appropriate.”
“Hi-so-kaa!!” Tsuzuki suddenly grinned mischievously. “All right. Great-grandfather hereby commands you to eat your breakfast. Listen to your elders, kid.”
Hisoka’s glare could have murdered him on the spot if he wasn’t already dead. Tsuzuki knew perfectly well that he hated being addressed as ‘kid’.
“I can feed you if you want…”
Hisoka gave up. He was not going to let the idiot embarrass him like that again. He sullenly took the piece of donut from Tsuzuki and proceeded to eat it on a nearby couch.
Tsuzuki joined him on it and watched him take every single bite.
Sighing, Hisoka divided the remaining donut into two and handed one to Tsuzuki. He was rewarded for his efforts with an enthusiastic puppy topped with a furiously wagging tail.
“Sankyuu, Hisoka!” Hisoka wondered why Tsuzuki always chose to say that in his warped version of English. A personal trait, perhaps. Everybody else seemed to find it cute.
They just sat there in silence. Hisoka studied Tsuzuki from the corners of his eyes, his mind once again wondering at the complexity of his seemingly brainless partner.
Tsuzuki always seemed so cheerful. But Hisoka could tell that he was hurting, as always. All those years of guilt and depression…and still Tsuzuki insisted on keeping this positive facade. Hisoka felt like yelling at him for it, but it hurt Tsuzuki even more if others took pity on him.
So Hisoka allowed him to continue with this senseless farce, and if Tsuzuki wanted to go on pretending, so could he.
He was startled from his reveries with Tsuzuki suddenly jumping up and exclaiming with alarm, “I forgot! There was supposed to be a staff’s meeting!”
“There was a what?”
Tsuzuki grinned sheepishly. “I totally forgot about it when…” He grabbed Hisoka by the arm. “Come on, we’d better go before Konoe-kachou’s goes on a warpath!”
“Whose fault will that be?” Hisoka gave him a withering look. “And let go of me! I can walk!”
“Aww…it won’t hurt…” Tsuzuki kept his grip on Hisoka’s arm, ignoring Hisoka’s protests and struggles.
They entered the meeting room to find five pairs of eyes staring at them. Watari immediately started gesturing towards Konoe-kachou frantically while trying to get the message through to Tsuzuki with almost senseless sign language. Konoe was close to exploding, it seemed. He looked like a thundercloud.
Tatsumi adjusted his glasses and coughed significantly. Tsuzuki wilted.
“You’re late by twenty minutes,” Konoe said with a distinctively strained tone to his voice, the tone of a man whose patience was about to be exhausted, not that Konoe had much to begin with, anyway. But then, Tsuzuki by himself was enough to test anybody’s limits.
“Both of you,” Konoe continued, his tone now disbelieving. It was perfectly understandable. Hisoka himself was hardly, if ever, late.
Tatsumi cleared his throat. “I told Tsuzuki-san to inform Kurosaki-kun of the meeting.”
“No wonder,” Konoe said while glaring daggers at Tsuzuki. He then gave Tatsumi a look that said ‘How could you trust that idiot to do anything?’
Hisoka watched impassively as Tsuzuki cowered under all those accusing looks. He remembered that a month ago Konoe would descend on Tsuzuki with all the wrath of Hell if Tsuzuki forgot about a meeting. Now all he did was glower at Tsuzuki with hardly a few sentences of reprimand.
Tsuzuki sat down dejectedly. No one else knew, but Hisoka could sense an extremely faint wave of anguish from him. Tsuzuki was surprisingly adept at shielding his emotions from Hisoka’s empathy, mainly for the reason that he didn’t want to harm Hisoka with his onslaught of emotions. But there were times, like now, when a little of his emotions would leak through those carefully erected wards.
Tsuzuki knew that Konoe pitied him. And he was sinking back into his original depression because of it.
Hisoka wanted to help him, but he didn’t know what to do.
How could he comfort someone who was so determined to condemn himself?
He suddenly realized that Tatsumi had already begun to give them a briefing of the meeting they had missed. No one had noticed his inattention, but Hisoka felt an unbidden heat rising in his cheeks. He ducked his head down to hide his blush.
“Tsuzuki-san, Kurosaki-kun, it seems that a new case has turned up in the second district. Your presence is required as soon as possible.” Tatsumi gestured at the screen before him.
“These photos are of people whose names have appeared on the Kiseki. However, their souls have not arrived in Meifu.”
Hisoka studied the photos. Every one of the victims appeared to be in their teens.
“They seem to be very…wild teenagers,” Tsuzuki observed.
Privately, Hisoka had to agree with that. Their outfits came in all colours, if what they wore could be considered clothes. Tattoos seem to be a fashion among them too. Dyed hair, nose rings, belly rings…you name it, they have it.
Tatsumi nodded. “They all come from an unruly area that’s also considered to be part of the underworld.”
“Until now, their cause of death is still to be ascertained,” Watari added.
Hisoka saw Tsuzuki stiffen noticeably. Hearing about unnatural deaths must have brought back unpleasant memories for him. Hisoka himself was trying to force down the unpleasant visions that were threatening to overwhelm him.
“No curse marks, no magical signature, nothing suspicious at all,” Watari hurriedly went on, conscious of the tense air in the room, “They just…died. And their souls are lost.”
“So we’re supposed to find out the reasons of their death and bring their souls back,” Tsuzuki remarked.
“Yes, and as fast as you can,” Konoe confirmed, “We can’t have all those lost souls wondering about the place.”
Find out why they died and bring them back. A perfectly ordinary case. The type that crops up every month. Hisoka knew that he and Tsuzuki weren’t going to be given anything remotely challenging in a long, long time.
It might be too much to hope for, but maybe Tsuzuki could forget about his own depression if he had a case to work on to occupy his attention.
“You’re expected to be there tonight,” Konoe told them.
“And as always,” Tatsumi said with a smile while giving Tsuzuki a warning look, “Remember not to overspend.”
***
“So, we’re finally back on field duty,” Tsuzuki said finally, trying to break the awkward silence. Hisoka had already finished his own packing, and he had come over to Tsuzuki’s apartment. They were leaving once Tsuzuki was ready.
“Ah.” Hisoka said, not sure on how he was supposed to answer that. He usually appreciated the efforts Tsuzuki put into mental shielding. After all, it prevented Tsuzuki’s emotions from overloading Hisoka’s senses. But now, Hisoka found it a terrible inconvenience. He couldn’t tell what was on Tsuzuki’s mind right now. He couldn’t read the man’s facial expression either. Being an empath meant that you didn’t have to rely on things like that to know what others were thinking. Naturally, Hisoka was clueless when it came to understanding people’s body language. And Tsuzuki claimed that Hisoka had already made great progress when it came to reading his expressions. Hisoka couldn’t help thinking that Tsuzuki was lying when he said that. Hisoka sure didn’t know what he was thinking at this very moment.
“Actually…” Tsuzuki went on hesitantly, stopping in the middle of his packing, “I’m kind of glad, that we’re going for a mission, I mean.”
Hisoka blinked in surprise. He was afraid that Tsuzuki wouldn’t want to be reminded of others’ deaths, something that he had to in contact with constantly, since he was a Shinigami. And now Tsuzuki said that he was glad…Tsuzuki was definitely lying when he said Hisoka understood him from the way he acted. Hisoka was sure about that now. That distressed him greatly, for some odd reason. He wanted to understand what Tsuzuki was going through, he wanted to know everything about his partner, but everytime he finds out something new, Tsuzuki would either do or say something that bluntly told him that he actually knew nothing about him at all.
“Why?” he finally asked blankly.
“I…I can get away for a while, you know…” Tsuzuki bit his lip painfully.
Hisoka finally understood. Tsuzuki was relieved at the chance to escape from his friends, thankful for the opportunity to avoid the pitying and concerned looks from the others.
“I need…to be alone for a while, I think,” Tsuzuki said uncertainly, “I feel that I need the privacy…to think.”
“You’re not going to be completely alone, you know.” Hisoka reminded him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to make of it. Was Tsuzuki asking him to leave him alone? Please, tell him that he didn’t mean that. He didn’t know that he was going to do if Tsuzuki told him to get out of his life. He didn’t want to be alone again…
“No, no no no,” Tsuzuki said almost frantically, “I didn’t mean you.” Hisoka couldn’t help but feel weak in the knees from relief. He hadn’t said what he had thought out loud, but Tsuzuki already understood what he meant. At least Hisoka could rest assured that he was the only clueless one here. There were times when Tsuzuki could be amazingly perceptive.
“I just mean…the rest, you know,” Tsuzuki said earnestly. “You don’t count, you’re different. You’re just…there.”
Hisoka honestly didn’t know if he was supposed to take that as a compliment or an insult.
“I mean…you don’t impose.” Tsuzuki said, “You never do anything that would make me uncomfortable. You’re there when I need you, and I appreciate that. You understand in a way that others don’t.”
There he goes again. Saying that Hisoka understood him when Hisoka had trouble analyzing what he meant from one minute to another.
Tsuzuki lifted his head to meet Hisoka’s eyes. They stared at each other for a few moments before Hisoka broke the gaze uncomfortably, turning his head away so that he didn’t need to decide what he was supposed to do or say.
Did he just see a flash of disappointment in Tsuzuki’s eyes? It must have been his imagination. What was there for Tsuzuki to be disappointed about? He must be getting so worried that he might hurt Tsuzuki unintentionally that he automatically assumed that every expression was a negative one. Yes, that must be it.
Tsuzuki resumed his packing. None of them spoke for quite some time.
As Tsuzuki placed the last few items before he zipped his bag, he suddenly said, “You know, that wasn’t the only reason. Why I was glad that we were going, I mean.”
Hisoka waited for him to finish.
“This means that I won’t have to be alone for a few days.”
Hisoka stared at him. “Did I hear that correctly? You just said that you wanted to be alone, and now you say you don’t want to be alone.”
Tsuzuki laughed awkwardly. “I also said that I didn’t mind being with you.”
He finally finished packing and looked into Hisoka’s eyes. “I want to be alone, but not without you.”
“Especially at night…I don’t want to be alone. Sometimes I wished you were there. No, not sometimes. Always.”
Hisoka could feel himself blushing. And Tsuzuki was looking at him directly, with no way for him to turn away or hide.
“I dream of it every night.”
Hisoka looked at him in surprise. This time, he knew without doubt what Tsuzuki meant. He was talking about the night when he tried to kill himself. About the flames, the fear, the pain, and a thousand other things that Hisoka understood perfectly.
Tsuzuki dreamed about it too. He shared Hisoka’s hidden fear. And Hisoka knew that Tsuzuki’s dreams also included the memories of a time in his buried past, memories that Tsuzuki constantly tortured himself with.
“I dream about it too.” This time, it was Tsuzuki’s eyes which widened in surprise.
“Every night,” Hisoka told him.
“And…and I don’t want to be…alone either.”
At that, Tsuzuki smiled. A true smile.
Hisoka hadn’t thought that he would get the chance to ever see Tsuzuki smile like that again.
***
-- Ahh…the pain of someone who doesn’t know one single
bit of Japanese geography. (I dumped everything I learned back to my geography
teacher after I dropped the subject. @-@ ) Notice that I hardly (if ever) make
any kind of references whatsoever to any places in Japan. I don’t want to make
an idiot out of myself. So…use your imagination, guys! (or in this case, your
geographical knowledge ^^)
-- Thanks for all those kind reviews. (wipes tears from
the corners of her eyes) I have no illusions about my writing skills (whatever
they are, they’re not great), and it really helps me if people say that they
like what I write.