10. Tell him he is late (this will probably cause him to be sarcastic and adopt an I'm-better-than-you attitude so I don't have to be nice and on time).
9. Chase his hobbit friend into a river while riding on spooky black horses and trying to use mind control (just beware of flash floods and stampeding froth).
8. Steal the palantir stone that he happens to be using as his teddy bear and replace it with a lumpy common stone.
7. Pretend you left your ring on the mantel when it's in your pocket and then when he questions you, accuse him of his ulterior motive to steal it for himself in order to take the focus off of you.
6. Drop a stone down a deep well to see how deep the well is and wake whatever nameless thing is down there which brings hordes of goblins and a cave troll not to mention a belrog all which would love nothing more than to skewer your hide and roast you alive.
5. Listen to him talking about the end of the world with your master and then when he catches you listening, act dumb so he won't turn you into anything unnatural (only do this if you are prepared to give up a year of your life on a strange quest which you really don't understand, but go on any way because well, a wizard told you to and whose going to argue with him, and your master whom you are doggedly loyal to is abandoning you to go on this quest).
4. Speak deceptive words to the wizard's friend, your king, so that the king becomes dull-minded and in a childish stupor and doesn't know you've exiled his nephew or that his kingdom is under attack or that your scheming for his niece who by the way could take you on any day (don't be fooled by her blond hair, she's not stupid, just suicidal).
3. Pretend you are going to help him and then keep him prisoner on top of your tower (this might have repercussions as he'll probably be rescued by a giant eagle and then his Ent-friends will attack your tower and ruin your plot to rule middle earth, oh, well you can stab him in the back by enslaving his precious hobbits, course this just might stab you in the back).
2. Call him Gandalf the Grey when he is obviously Gandalf the White because he has taken over your position as head wizard which you did not fulfill properly because you were scheming for control of middle earth (of course if calling him Gandalf the Grey does not work, your servant can throw stones at him, but if words don't break his bones, the stone will probably miss too, and then you'll be annoyed at your servant).
1. Offer your services to a crazy steward (whom the wizard does not trust) who will probably use mind tricks on you and learn everything you weren't going to tell him such as the king is returning to take power away from the steward (at least that's how the steward sees it and who can blame him) which will make him even more possessive of his land so that he is even more insane and eventually tries to sacrifice himself and his only living son (who is actually a nice guy, though he might have needed a little therapy after dad tried to burn him alive).
Top 10 Ways To Annoy Your Friends: by Tindomewen
10) calling them Mr Frodo after every sentence
9) spying on them at a secret meeting
8) touching a skeleton head that brings an army of evil creatures to attack you
7) revealing their true identity to a bunch of strangers
6) always make comments after what they say
5) trying to swim after them when they clearly are trying to go unnoticed
4) being mean to their tricksy guide
3) eating all the food
2) holding them when they are weak
1) using yourself as a decoy so a gorgeous human will ultimately kill himself and die never professing his love for the future king of Gondor
Tips for surviving Middle-Earth: by Lyekka
10: Don't set yourself on fire.
09: If you find a shiny ring and your best bud want's it, give it to him.
08: Make sure your slave doesn't have a concealed weapon before abusing him.
07: When you see a giant elephant running toward you, run the other way.
06: When cowardly running away from battle, don't jump in a river and let the enemy know exactly where you're at.
05: During battle don't waste time and energy blowing a horn to summon an army that's thousands of leagues away.
04: Act small and defenseless so others will do all the fighting/dying for you. Works every time!
03: If you've carried a shield over half of Middle-Earth, for Eru's sake USE IT!
02: Always have a nancing elf with you.
01: Never swear a hobbit into your