Announcer- The plaintiff's Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took claim that the Entdraught given to them by the defended Mr. Treebeard has left them impatient and unable to have children. They are suing for $1,000,000 in damages and distress. Acting attorney for Mr. Brandybuck and Mr. Took is Gimli son of..*giggle*...uh...Gloin and representing the defendant is Legolas of Mirkwood.
*Merry, Pippin and Gimli enter courtroom followed by Treebeard and Legolas*
Bailiff Faramir- Plaintiff's right, defended left. Please rise for the honorable Judge and king of Gondor, Aragorn.
Courtroom- YAY! *clap clap clap*
Aragorn- Thank you, thank you
Faramir- You may be seated
Aragorn- Hello Faramir, how's the wifey?
Faramir- Good, judge, and yours?
Aragorn- You know elves?!
Legolas- *cough*asshole*cough*
Aragorn- What's that?
Legolas- Nothing your honor.......highness......person.
Aragon- I thought not. Well, lets begin. I've reviewed the case. *giggle. glance at hobbits* I believe Gimli won the coin toss back in my chamber so he will begin.
Gimli- Thank you. My clients Mr. Brandybuck and Mr. Took are decent folk, come from highly respected, wealthy families and are set to become head's of their grate houses. Yet, they themselves will never have heir's. Why? Because Treebeard subjected them to a substance known as Entdraught then unbeknownst to Mr. Brandybuck and Mr. Took causes impatience and low sperm count.
Pippin- He he, he said 'sperm'
Merry- Shh!
Legolas- OBJECTION! There is NO proof that the Entdraught causes impatience.
Aragorn- Sustained. Gimli unless you have evidence of this claim it'll have to be taken off the record. Do you?
Gimli- No, not technically
Aragorn- Court Scribe Sam will you please remove Gimli's statements from the record?
Sam- (confused) What record?
Aragorn- (frustrated) Gimli, please continue
Gimli- I'd like to call a witness to the stand
Aragorn- This isn't that type of court
Gimli- PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!!
Aragorn- FINE! Proceed
Gimli- I call to the stand...
Music- Dun dun dun
Gimli- ...Treebeard himself (fast zoom in on Treebeard)
Courtroom- *gasp*
Faramir- Do you swear to tell the truth, the hole truth, and nothing but the truth in a hasty and timely manner?
Treebeard- ..........Iiiiiiiiiii.........dooooooooooo
Faramir- Riiight
Gimli- Mr. Treebeard, is it or is it not true that you on February 29th, 3019 met these young hobbits in Fangorn Forest and gave them Entdraught?
Treebeard- It........isssssss
Gimli- Mr. Treebeard were you then or are you now aware of any effects Entdraught may or may not have on mortals?
Treebeard- Huh?
Gimli- Mr. Treebeard if I may, tell me, why did the Entwives leave?
Legolas- OBJECTION!
Aragorn- Overruled
Gimli- Well, Treebeard?
Treebeard- They left toooooooo seeeeeeeeek difffffffffferant laaaaaaaands
Entwife- (busting through the courtroom door) THAT'S A LIE!
Music- Dun dun dun
Aragorn- And you are?
Gimli- Your honor I'd like to introduce my next witness, Maria....... Treebeard's wife (fast zoom in on Treebeard's wife)
Courtroom- *gasp*
Aragorn- Spouses can't testify against each other
Gimli- COME ON! They've been estranged for ages
Aragorn- *sigh* All right
Legolas- OBJECTION!
Aragorn- *thinks* ...I'll allow it
Gimli- Mrs. Treebeard, tell the court why you and the other Entwives left
Maria- I'll tell you why, cuz we wasn't gettin what we needed, if you follow me.
Gimli- I don't
Maria- Everyday the bums, meaning the Ents of course just laid about drinkin that drought until they passed out. They use'ta talk normal too, till drought dun kilt their brain cells. We Entwives decided we didn't needs'em no more, so we left'em.
Gimli- Now, would you care to elaborate on yours and Treebeards...uh....love life?
Legolas- OBJECTION!
Aragorn- Screw you, I wanna know
Maria- As in sex? Please! The only action I got was from my Ultra-Vibe Pleaser Two Thousand, if ya follow me.
Gimli- I'd rather not. So you say your husband was unable to perform his husbandly duties, is that right?
Legolas- OBJECTION! Prosecution is leading the witness
Aragorn- Shut up
Maria- That's correct
Gimli- Nothing further your honor
Aragorn- Would the annoying elf care to cross examen the witness?
Legolas- OBJECT- Oh, I mean, no, your honor
Aragorn- Good. Mrs. Maria you may step down. Now, Legolas would you like to call a witness?
Legolas- I would your honor. See, I have no doubt that Mr. Brandybuck is impatient-
Merry- HEY!
Legolas- But your honor, I call to the stand...
Music- Dun dun-
Aragron- STOP WITH THE BLOODY MUSIC, ZOOM IN'S AND GASPING
Legolas- ...Peregrin Took (fast zoom in on Pippin)
Courtroom- *gasp*
Aragorn- DAMMIT!
Faramir- Do you swear all that crap, little dude?
Pippin- *shrug*
Faramir- Good enough for this court, you may be seated
Legolas- Mr. Took-
Pippin- Call me Pip
Legolas- ...Mr. Took you're accusing my client, who was nothing but kind and giving to you and your cousin, of poisoning your man...uh...hobbithood. Is that correct?
Pippin- Uh-huh!
Legolas- Gimli said earlier that you are unable to have children, is that correct?
Pippin- ........Uh.......
Legolas- Mr. Took, is it or is it not true that since this claim was maid your lovely wife Diamond *winks at Diamond, she winks back* has given birth to two baby boys.
Pippin- (still contemplating the *winks*) What? Yeah-
Gimli- OBJECTION!
Aragorn- Why? *gives Diamond a friendly wave, she waves back*
Gimli- That child *points to baby in Diamonds arms with curly redish-brown hair, big blue eyes and a pouty lower lip* CLEARLY isn't Mr. Took's but in fact belongs to...
Music- Dun dun-
Aragorn- I SWEAR I'LL HOLD YOU ALL FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT
Gimli- ...Mr. Took's cousin, Frodo Baggins
Courtroom- ...........
Pippin- HUH???
Diamond- Oh, crap!
Gimli- And the other *points to other chunkier baby with brown eyes and sandy blond hair* CLEARLY belongs to...
Music- ...........
Aragorn- That's more like it!
Gimli- ....The Took's gardner, Samwise Gamgee
Sam- Oh, crap!
Gimli- He's been trimming more then just the verge down at Tuckborough, if you know what I mean
Aragorn- I do
Rosie- WHAT???
Pippin- WHAT??? *leps towardw Sam, but Merry holds him back*
Aragorn- SIT DOWN, PIPPIN! THIS ISN'T THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!
Pippin- But he's defiled my wife!
Aragorn- Who hasn't?!
Courtroom- .........
Aragorn- Oh, come on, show of hands *raises hand*
Pippin- Aragorn?
Sam- *raises both hands with smile on his face*
Legolas- *raises hand*
Pippin- Lego, you too?
Faramir- *raises hand*
Rosie- *raises hand*
Sam- Rosie?
Rosie- Well...
Gimli- I haven't!
Aragorn- I've heard enough, I'm ready to rule.
Courtroom- *waits in antisapation*
Aragorn- I rule........in...........GONDOR! *laughs uncontrolably*
Courtroom- Ugh! *disapointed at lame joke*
Aragorn- *composing himself* Oh, I kill me! Anyway, I rule in favor of the plaintiff's.
Hobbit's- YAY!
Aragorn- However, seeing as how the defendant is a tree-
Treebeard- ENT!!!
Aragorn- Whatever, I doubt you'll ever get paid
Hobbit's- Awww!
Gimli- I still get paid tough, right?
Merry- Well...
Gimli- *shrug* Eh, maybe I'll just have a go at Pip's wife
Pippin- Why you little *chokes Gimli*
Gimli- Ahhhh!
*Everyone joins in*
Announcer- ....................................................... *went to join fight*
Jerry Springer- (taking over for announcer) All's well that end's well, as they say. I think we've all leraned an valuable lesson today. You see everyone's been so focused on their own need's that they forgot about the important things, love, friendship and loyalty. Maybe now we can learn to let go of the past, forgive and move forward.
Everyone- SHUT UP, YOU DON'T MAKE A BIT OF GODDAMN SENSE!
Jerry- Today a husband and wife were reunited after, well, more years then our viewers can count. Sam learned his wife has bisexual tendencies...
Sam- *sniffle*
Jerry- ...and Pippin finally learned his wife's a whore
Pippin- (jumping on Jerry) I'll kill you mother*BEEP*
Jerry- AHHH! Until next time, take care of yourself and each other *runs away* Where the hell's Stave when you need'em?
Diamond- (from janitors closet) Oh Steve....
~Stay tuned for Rikki Lake, today's topic: Yo, Who My Babies Daddy?~