The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: PART#1
Emyn Muil:
Frodo- (waking) Auuuggghhh!
Sam- (also waking) What is, it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo- Bad dream!
Sam- It's those bunnies again, huh?
Frodo- I hate them, Sam!
Sam- (pats Frodo's shoulder) I know!........ Do you smell that Mr. Frodo? It reminds me of Strider.
Frodo- Why do you still call Aragorn, Strider?
Sam- It's easier to say.
Frodo- I think we're lost!
Sam- Do you think its a bog?
Frodo- What's a bog?
Sam- That smell!
Frodo- Will you shut up about smells?
Sam- I could go for food right now.
Frodo- When could you not?
Sam- (ignoring Frodo) Then a few hit's of pipeweed.
Frodo- Aww man!
Sam- What?
Frodo- I just remembered I left my stash back in Lothlorien.
Sam- Well, it's too late to go back now.
Frodo- That crazy elf-bitch better not smoke it all!
Sam- I'm sure she wont Mr. Frodo. I'm sure she wont.
Later:
(Gollum tries to sneak up on hobbits while they sleep and take the Ring)
Gollum- (yells) I WANT MY PRECIOUS BACK!!!
(Hobbit's jump him)
Gollum- Don't hurt me!
Frodo- Why not?
Gollum- I can help you.
Sam- He'll lead us into a trap!
Frodo- Will you lead us to a trap?
Gollum- .......No!
Frodo- All right then, show us to the Black Gate.
Gollum- Follow me!
(They do)
Uber-Orcs are taking Merry and Pippin to Isengard:
Uber-Orc#8- I smell something!
Uber-Orc#3- Man flesh!
Pippin- Eww, that has to be Aragorn (he skillfully uses mouth to remove brooch from cloak and leave as a clue)
Uber-Orc#3- Lets go!
(They do)
Meanwhile:
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have been running after the Uber-Orcs for three days. Only stopping for sleep, pee breaks and tea time of course. They happened to be stopped at the moment)
Aragorn- I love you rock.
Legolas- Come! We must run faster!
Gimli- What is Aragorn doing to that rock?
Legolas- He clams he's 'listening to hear where the Uber-Orcs are.'
Gimli- What do you think he's doing?
Aragorn- (overhearing) I WAS listening for Uber-Orcs!
Legolas- What did you hear then?
Aragorn- They must have caught our scent.
Legolas- You mean your scent!
Aragorn- Whatever, we must run faster!
(They do)
Later:
Aragorn- Look, a pretty brooch!
Legolas- It belongs to one of the hobbits!
Aragorn- Finders keepers!
Gimli- We're gaining on them!
Aragorn- These evil creatures have unnatural speed!
Legolas- Some evil gave speed to these creatures!
Aragorn- Really?
Legolas- They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!
Aragorn- Really?
Isengard:
Palantir- Mwa-ha-ha-ha
Saruman- Who will dare stand against the might of Sauron and Saruman, and the Axis of Evil?
Palantir- ...Uh....how about, the Union of the Two Towers?
Saruman- ...and the Union of the Two Towers. I will cut down every forest, mine every resource, drive the machine of WAR and kill all who oppose me! It will begin in Iraq...uh...I mean Rohan! I'll send some troops to slaughter every last peasant and destroy their homes.
Palantir- Make me proud son!
Edoras: (The wooden city)
Eomer- The kings son is dying.
Eowyn- Then I get to rule!
Eomer- No, I will!
Eowyn- Oh, yeah. Must have a chat with Grima about that.
Eomer- What are you planning sister?
Eowyn- Nothing. We must give the news to the king.
(They go to a man that looks half dead)
King Theoden- *grunt*
Eowyn- Your sons gonna die!
King Theoden- *grunt*
Eomer- He was ambushed by Orcs.
Grima Wormtongue- Zat is a lie!
Eomer- No it isn't, look (throws body of Orc in front of Theoden)
Wormtongue- Oh...
Eomer- If we don't defend Rohan, Saruman will take it by force.
Wormtongue- Zat is a lie!
Eomer- No, it isn't! (throws another Orc down. This one has the White Hand of Saruman on it)
Wormtongue- Oh.... ZOU'RE BANISHED!!!
Eowyn- YES!
Eomer- NO!
Uber-Orcs stop:
Uber-Orc#1- Get a fire going!
(Uber-Orcs began to chop down trees)
Pippin- I'm hungry!
Uber-Orc#12- I'm hungry !
Merry- Hope they don't try to eat us!
Uber-Orc#23- Lets eat the prisoners!
Merry- *sigh*
Uber-Orc#1- Lets eat you (kills Uber-Orc#23)
(Uber-Orcs eat Uber-Orc#23 leaving the hobbits unguarded)
Merry- Lets go!
(They try but the Uber-Orc on a diet catches them)
Uber-Orc On A Diet- Just one bite wont hurt-
(Just then a spear comes out of nowhere and kills him. Men on horses ride in carelessly killing everything in there path)
Meanwhile:
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli have been chasing the Uber-Orcs all night and the first light of day can be seen on the horizon)
Legolas- The sun rises! Day is approaching!
Aragorn- You really shouldn't speak!
Later:
Aragorn- I hear something. Maybe we should hide.
(The brave worriers hide behind a rock. Men on horses pass)
Aragorn- Horsies! (runs out after horses)
Legolas- Aragorn, NO! (runs after him)
(Gimli follows.....What else is he going to do?)
Aragorn- HORSIES!
(Men on horsies.....horses ride back and surround them)
Man- I thought the air was unusually foul.
Aragorn- We are friends of this land and of your king.
Man- The king has no friends, not even his own kin. I am Eomer his nephew and that bastard banished me.
Aragorn- We're looking for Uber-Orcs!
Eomer- We killed them!
Aragorn- Bummer! That's kind of an anticlimax for us.
Gimli- Yo! You see two hobbits?
Eomer- We killed everything and burned the bodies beyond recognition.
Aragorn- That was careless!
Eomer- I am sorry. Here have two horses, name them after your friends and then we'll be even.
Aragorn- HORSIES!!!
Eomer- ......Bye!
A Bit Later:
(Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride to a large pile of burnt Uber-Orc bodies)
Legolas- A pile of burnt Uber-Orc bodies!
Aragorn- It smells worse then me!
Legolas- Don't be so sure.
(Gimli dive's head first into pile)
Gimli- I found something!
(He pulls out a wee belt)
Legolas- It must be one of their wee belts.
(Aragorn kicks helmet and melodramatically drops to his knees and shacks fists at dead Uber-Orcs)
Aragorn- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
Legolas- Was that necessary, Aragorn?
Aragorn- What? Too much? Well, I thought it was appropriate.....Wait I see hobbit foot prints!
Legolas- They were made by a hobbit!
(They follow the tracks which lead them to the edge of a really creepy forest)
Legolas- The tracks lead into this really creepy forest.
Aragorn- Thanks, eagle eye!
(They see a sign that says "Fangorn Forest")
Legolas- This must be Fangorn Forest!
Gimli- Yo! What madness drove them in there?
Legolas- Well, that's a stupid question.
Aragorn- Do we have to go in there?
Legolas- Uh-huh!
Aragorn- Aww!
Flash Back to Last Night:
Merry- Lets head for that forest!
Pippin- Yeah, you in a forest. That'll end well!
Smokey The Bear- Only YOU can prevent forest fires!
Merry- What the hell was that?
Pippin- Uh......I didn't hear anything!
(They go into forest but are followed by an Uber-Orc)
Uber-Orc- (singing) Come out come out wherever you are
Merry- Climb a tree!
(They do. Uber-Orc pulls Merry down)
Uber-Orc- Gotcha!
Merry- Help me Pippin!
Pippin- Sorry dude, you're on your own.
Merry- HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP MEEEEEEE!!!
Tree- Shut up!
Pippin- Eeeeeek! A talking tree!
(Tree kills Uber-Orc and captures Merry and Pippin)
Tree- I am no tree, little Orc!
Pippin- I am no Orc, big tree!
Merry- Then what are you?
Pippin- A hobbit!
Merry- Not you Pippin, the tree.
Tree- I am an Ent.
Pippin- An ant?
Tree- No, an E-N-T. You can call me Treebeard.
Pippin- If you're not a tree then why is your name Treebeard instead of Entbeard?
Treebeard- I'M NOT A TREE LITTLE ORC!!!
Merry- We're NOT Orcs, TREE!
Treebeard- The White Wizard will know!
Pippin- White Wizard?
Merry- Oh, s***
(He throws hobbits in front of the White Wizard)
Dead Marshes:
Gollum- Come hobbits. We must go through this swamp.
Sam- See Mr. Frodo? There was a bog nearby!
Frodo- What's with all the dead people in the water?
Gollum- Never mind that. Just don't go in the water and you'll be safe.
(Frodo jumps in water)
Sam- Well, I'm not going after him!
Gollum- Stupid hobbit (pulls Frodo out of water)
Frodo- Why didn't you save me, Sam?
Sam- ......I...uh....
Frodo- Merry or Pippin would have saved me!
Sam- Too bad you left them to be killed by Uber-Orcs then, huh?
Frodo- Oh....right......
Later:
Sam- SNORE
Frodo- (stroking the....... Ring)
Gollum- My precious!
Frodo- What???
Gollum- Master can't sleep with fat hobbit snoring either?
Frodo- You're name was Smeagol once!
Gollum- No, it wasn't!
Frodo- Gandalf said it was.
Gollum- Well, Gandalf's a senile old fool!
Frodo- True, but he read it in this book (pulls out copy of Fellowship)
Gollum- ...Oh wait my name was Smeagol!
Nazgul- SCREECH
Sam- (waking) Black Riders!
Gollum- Wraiths on weird dragon things!
Frodo- Oh, my shoulder.... pale white guys..... NO!
(Sam drags him under a bush)
Gollum- The sun came up awfully fast!
Nazgul- (riding weird dragon thing) SCREECH
Gollum- Wraiths on wings!
Frodo- Must......put.....on.....Ring.....again
(Sam takes Frodo's hand)
Gollum- How sweet!
Frodo- I'm okay Sam.
(Sam still has Frodo's hand)
Frodo- Sam, you can let go now (shakes hand free)
Gollum- The Black Gate is very close.
Fangorn Forest:
(Gimli licks what appears to be Orc blood)
Gimli- Eww, Orc blood!
Legolas- Why did you lick it?
Aragorn- Look, strange tracks!
(They see a man dressed in white approaching)
Legolas- Someone approaches!
Aragorn- It's Saruman. When he gets close enough, kill him!
(The man gets close enough and before he has a chance to say "good morning" he falls dead with arrow, sward and axe wounds)
Aragorn- Oop's! I guess he was just an old man coming to say 'hello'
Gimli- My bad!
Legolas- Someone else approaches!
Aragorn- This time it's definitely gonna be Saruman, so shoot to kill!
(Man approaches. They mean to kill him but he ducks out of the way)
Man- Do you always try kill people before you know there intentions?
Aragorn- (using foot to kick leaves over body of old man) Of course not! Don't be silly!
Man- Are you looking for hobbits?
Aragorn- Yes, do you have any?
Man- For the right price.
Aragorn- We need two!
Man- Why?
Aragorn- Because we lost two and need to replace them!
Man- I'll trade you them for your horses!
Aragorn- Our horsies? No deal!
Man- Suit yourself!
(Man leaves)
Legolas- Yet another person approaches. Should I shoot?
Aragorn- Yes!
(Man approaches. They try to kill him, but he also ducks out of the way)
Man- You are looking for two hobbits!
Aragorn- You can't have my horsy!
Man- .....Uh....OK! They passed this way two days ago. It certainly has taken you enough time to rescuing them!
Aragorn- Who are you?
Man- Gandalf!
Everyone- *gasp*
Aragorn- Gandalf?
Gandalf- That's right, Gandalf!
Aragorn- You fell!
Gandalf- I got up!
Aragorn- How?
Gandalf- I'm a wizard! I used my magic to slay the Balrog, die then come back to life as.....Gandalf the White!
Everyone- *gasp*
Gandalf- You should've seen the look on Pippin's face. The little smart ass can't deny I'm a wizard now, HA! But come, we must ride to Edoras.
Gimli- What about the hobbits, G?
Gandalf- They're safe! I left them with a tree!
Aragorn- A tree?
Gandalf- That's right, a tree. What else is thick enough to agree to hobbit-sit?
(They exit forest)
Aragorn- (sees white horse) Horsy!
Gandalf- That's Shadowfax!
Shadowfax- Yes! All bow down to meeee!
(They ride to Edoras)
Meanwhile in another part of Fangorn:
Treebeard- Don't worry hobbits, I'll keep you safe!
Merry- So...... Gandalf's back!
Pippin- (rubbing head) With a new staff!
Merry- Why did he keep bringing up magic and looking at you?
Pippin- I don't know. Maybe he thought I would finally believe he has power.
Merry- Don't you?
Pippin- I'm not convinced!
Treebeard- We lost the Ent-Wives *sigh*
Merry+Pippin- .....MMMMMM'Kay
Black Gate of Mordor:
Gollum- We're here!
Frodo- It's closed!
Gollum- Well, duh!
Sam- So we can go home?
(Army of evil men march up to the Gate)
Frodo- Look, it's opening. Lets go!
Gollum- WAIT! I know another wa!y
Sam- Is it a trap?
Gollum- ......No!
Frodo- Then lead the way!
(He does, they follow)
Outside Edoras:
(Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli ride up to city gates)
Gandalf- The king is brainwashed by Saruman.
Aragorn- No, I'm not!
Gandalf- The other king!
Aragorn- I'm the only real king!
Legolas- Technically, you're not the king yet!
Aragorn- (in whiny Ani Skywalker voice) Someday I will be. I'll be the greatest king ever!
Gandalf- But it is not this day! This day we ride.....up to the city!
(They do)
Inside Edoras:
Eowyn- (to Theoden) Your son is dead. Will you not sign a will naming me as your heir? Will you do nothing?
Theoden- *grunt*
(Eowyn has temper tantrum, runs outside and is sickened by a foul smell. She looks down and sees Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli riding up)
Gandalf- Do not look for welcome here!
Guard#1- Welcome!
Guard#2- Hand over your staff!
(Gandalf hits guard with staff)
Gandalf- I'm a wizard. Let me through!
Aragorn- Trying to break in your new staff, Gandalf?
Gandalf- Oh no, I already did that! Ha ha ha
(They enter. Gandalf beats other guards with staff)
Gandalf- (to Theoden) I release you from the spell!
(Nothing happens)
Gandalf- I RELEASE YOU FROM THE SPELL!
(Nothing happens)
Gandalf- Snap out of it!. (hits Theoden with staff)
(Only thing that happens is Theoden gets a nasty bump on head)
Gandalf- Dammit! Okay, I have an idea (Benny Hinn TV evangelist style) Good people hear today you are about to witNEEEES a miRACLE. This man here (points to Theoden) has been down, but NOW thorough JEEESUS he will be lifted UP. Can I get a HALLELUJAH?
Audience- Hallelujah!
Gandalf- He will be HEALED (walks to Theoden and put hands on head) Demons LEEEEAVE this man.(hit's Theoden with staff again)
Theoden- I'm healed! HALLELUJAH!
Audience- HALLELUUUUUUUUJAH!
Gandalf- If you BELIEVE you can sucCEEEEEED (hit's Theoden on forehead with palm of hand)
Theoden- OW! That's where you hit me with your staff!
Gandalf- Shh! You're supposed to fall back and go to sleep
Theoden- But I just got better. I don't wanna to sleep!
Gandalf- GO TO SLEEP! (hit's Theoden with staff again)....Just play along!
Theoden- OK! (falls back. Eowyn and unimportant person lay him on the floor)
Gandalf- See I have power?
Later:
Theoden- (waking) What happened?
Gandalf- I healed you!
Theoden- Riiiiiight!
Gandalf- Grima Wormtongue is Saruman's minion!
Wormtongue- So?
Theoden- Well, we better send him back to Isengard so he can give Saruman all our secrets
(They do)
Theoden- Where's my son?
Eowyn- Dead!
Theoden- Where's my nephew?
Eowyn- Banished!
Theoden- Is there no one left?
Eowyn- Me!
Theoden- *grunt*
Even Later:
Gandalf- Saruman's armies are destroying everything!
Aragorn- You must fight !
Theoden- Are you king yet?
Aragorn- ......No! *sulk*
Theoden- Then don't give me order's. We do what I say round here.
Gandalf- And what do you say?
Theoden- Flee they city! Hide out in the great fortress of Helm's Deep!
Legolas- A diversion
Theoden- No, a trap!
Later Still:
Gandalf- Well, I'm outta here.
Aragorn- But we're headed for battle!
Gandalf- Exactly!
Legolas- You're running away!
Gandalf- That's what I do!
Gimli- Yeah, my father taught me a saying he made up during the events in The Hobbit. 'When the going gets tough, Gandalf gets going!'
Gandalf- That's my motto
Aragorn- This sucks. It was your idea to come hear in the first place, now you get to leave while I have to fight a war. *pout*
Gandalf- Oh, what a noble king you shall make Aragorn. But don't fret. I'll be back
Aragorn- When?
Gandalf- When the battles almost over
Aragorn- What if you're back before that?
Gandalf- I wont be
Aragorn- What if you are?
Gandalf- .......I wont be!
(He leaves)
Later:
(Everyone in Edoras is packing up)
Eowyn- Cool sward *swish*
Random Man- AUGH! My arm
Aragorn- You shouldn't play with swards.
Eowyn- Why? Because I'm a women? You think you're better then me, man?
Aragorn- No, it's just that you hurt that random man-
Eowyn- Oh sure, because it was a man, but if he was a women then you wouldn't care right?
Aragorn- Uh......
Eowyn- I fear nothing!
Aragorn- What do you fear my lady?
Eowyn- A cage!!
Aragorn- ???
Eowyn- Uncle locked me in a cage as a child. But did he lock the boys up? NOOO!
Theoden- I locked you up because you kept sneaking up on people, hitting them over the head with a 4x4, then dancing naked around their unconscious bodies yelling 'I am no man.' I had to do something!
Eowyn- Curse that blasted wizard for coming here and ruining all my plans!
Aragorn- What plans?
Eowyn- To be queen!
Aragorn- I do not think that will be your fate.
Eowyn- We will see!
(Everyone leaves)
Isengard:
(Wormtongue tells Saruman all Theoden's secrets)
Saruman- Really? How interesting!
(Saruman sends small army to attack people on their way to Helm's Deep)
Ithilien:
Gollum- I want fishy!
Sam- You smell like a fishy
Frodo- Why do you do that?
Sam- Do what?
Frodo- Keep talking about smells? It's really annoying!
Sam- Oh, that's just the Ring talking!
Frodo- No, it's not!!
Sam- I've seen you Mr. Frodo. You're always stroking it when you think I'm not looking.
Frodo- Aren't you always looking, Sam?
Sam- You can't take your eyes off it!
Frodo- Jealous?
Later:
Sam- SNORE
Frodo- snore
Gollum- (arguing with his good side Smeagol) No, it wasn't!
Smeagol- Yes, it was!
Gollum- You're crazy!
Smeagol- I'm still right!
Gollum- No, you're not!
Smeagol- You really think Episode 2 was better then Episode 1?
Gollum- It was!
Smeagol- Was not!
Gollum- Was too! At least E2 had less of that annoying CGI character.
Smeagol- I'm an annoying CGI character! Boo-hoo! I hate you! Go away!
(Gollum goes away)
Smeagol- YAY!
Next Day:
Frodo- Where's Gollum?
Sam- Probably out plotting our deaths.
(Gollum comes back-
Gollum- You can call me Smeagol now!
(What?)
Gollum- I'm Smeagol now, not Gollum!
(Stop taking to me!.............. FINE!)
Smeagol- Thanks!
(Smeagol comes back and drops two dead bunnies on Frodo's lap)
Frodo- (girlish high pitched scream) AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Sam- What is it Mr. Frodo?
Frodo- AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! GET'EM OFF!!!
Smeagol- (removing bunnies) What's up with that?
Sam- He's terrified of bunnies!
Smeagol- (holding up bunny) Really? How's he feel about spiders then?
(Sam hits Smeagol with frying pan)
Smeagol- Hey, I didn't know!
Frodo- (getting up) I need some fresh air. I'll be back!
(Frodo once again wonders off on his own into strange probably dangerous woods)
Sam- I'll make bunny stew!
Smeagol- I wanna eat'em raw!
Sam- Well, I'm cookin'em!
Smeagol- But I caught them, they're mine!
Sam- Don't make me have to bore you to death with stories of me old Gaffer's sayings.
Smeagol- Cook them then, it's not like you'll get to eat anyway.
Dead Bunnies- Huh? We died for nothing *sulk*
Sam- Where's Frodo?
Smeagol- He went for fresh air.
Sam- But we're outside!
(They go to find Frodo. He's hiding under a hedge just around the corner)
Sam- That was easy!
Frodo- Look!
(Evil looking men pass)
Sam- Who are they?
Smeagol- Evil men!
Sam- Where are they going?
Smeagol- Where do you think?
(Other men start killing evil men)
Frodo- We've lingered here to long.
Sam- I just got here!
Frodo- Let's go!
Sam- Lookie, an oliphaunt!
Smeagol- A relative, Sam?
Sam- No one at home will believe this.
Frodo- That's because you've said you've seen one once a week for the past ten years!
Sam- I thought I had!
(Smeagol slips away while the hobbits aren't looking)
Frodo- Whatever. Lets go!
(They go. Frodo runs into a man. The man doesn't notice)
Man- La la la
Frodo- HELLO!
Man- Huh? (noticing he picks Frodo up and throws him down)
Sam- HA HA HA!
(Other men come. They pick up Sam and throw him to the ground)
Sam- HOW RUDE!
Man- Put'em in a sack and take'em with us!
Frodo- Maybe I shouldn't have let him know I was there.
Sam- Yeah, that would've have been smart!
Walk to Helm's Deep:
Everyone- La la la
Aragorn- (has wet daydream about Arwen)
Eowyn- (to Aragorn) Why are you smiling?
Aragorn- No reason!
Eowyn- So you're a king, huh?
Aragorn- (ignoring her has another wet daydream about Arwen)
(5 minutes later)
Eowyn- My lord?
Aragorn- What? Oh yeah, me king of the world.
(Up ahead. Legolas is standing on a rock looking paranoid again)
Random Man- La la la
(Orcs riding wargs (part wolf, part bear, part hyena thing) appear out of nowhere)
Warg- Grrrrr
Random Man- Oh shi-
(Warg eats random man)
Legolas- Eeeeeek! WARGS!
Everyone- WARGS? What the hell is a warg?
Theoden- Eowyn you must take the useless people to Helm's Deep alone.
Eowyn- What if this is just a trap to separate the men from the women and children? There will be nobody to protect us.
Theoden- I didn't think about that. Oh well, I'm sure it will be fine.
(Women and children leave. Men fight)
Legolas- Look what I can do! (shows off)
Gimli- Look what I can do! (tries to show off but fails and is trapped under a warg the entire battle)
Aragorn- I'm the sexiest guy here!
(Kills Orc)
Aragorn- I'm the most popular guy here!
(Kills Orc)
Aragorn- I'm the best fighter here!
(Kills Orc)
Aragorn- I'm the only real king here!
(Tries to kill Orc, but is run down by warg and falls over cliff into water with lots of super sharp rocks. (Sure it doesn't happen in the book and is completely pointless, but it makes for another dramatic entrance later) Battles over)
Legolas- (pulling Gimli out from under warg) Where's Aragorn?
Gimli- I don't know .
Orc- He's dead!
Legolas- Hey, unless we see a body we don't say people have died in this movie. We say they 'fell'
Orc- Oh, sorry. He fell then.
Legolas- NO! You lie!
Orc- I resent that. Just because I'm an Orc everybody assumes the worst in me. I'll have you know that while I may be an evil, cannibalistic, murderous being I happen to have never told a lie!
Legolas- Is that a lie?
Orc- NO!
Legolas- Oh, sorry then.
Orc- It's cool. Just try to keep and open mind from now on. You too dwarf!
Gimli- Nobody gives advice to a dwarf (kills Orc)
Theoden- Where's the whiny one?
Legolas- Down there (points over cliff)
Theoden- But he was a king, sorta.
Gilmi- Yep!
Theoden- Kings can't die!
Legolas- They cant?
Theoden- That's what I was told.
Gimli- Who told you that?
Theoden- My father!
Gimli- Was he a king?
Theoden- Yes!
Gimli- Where is he now?
Theoden- .......Uh.....dead!
Gimli- See?
Theoden- .......Well, lets go!
Legolas- .....Uh.... I was only going because Aragorn wanted too, but he fell so I don't really see any reason to stick around.
Gimli- Me either!
Theoden- You can't bail now.
Legolas- Why not?
Theoden- It's in the book!
Gimli- Since when does that matter?
Helms Deep:
Eowyn- Look, Helms Deep!
Useless People- This is it?
Eowyn- What were you expecting?
Useless Person #1- Something more impressive.
Useless Person #2- Yeah, I thought it was supposed to a 'great fortress' or something!
Later:
King's Servant- Look my liege!
Theoden- Helms Deep!
Gimli- Helm's Deep!
Legolas- Helm's Deep!
King's Servant- It's only a model!
Theoden- Shh! Soldiers I bid you welcome to the fortress. Let us ride to Helm's Deep.
King's Servant- Long have I desired to look upon Helm's Deep. The Deeping Wall. The Hornburg. The horn of Helm Hammerhand-
Theodon- No, on second thought lets not go to Helm's Deep. 'Tis a silly place!
King's Servant- Uh....sir.....
Theoden- Wait. Helm's Deep will protect us. Though the names are silly no army has ever breached the Deeping Wall or set foot inside the Hornburg
Legolas- Huh?
Gimli- What's a Hornburg?
(They enter fort)
Eowyn- Where's the king?
Theoden- I'm here!
Eowyn- Not you, the real king. The one who can make me queen of the world.
Gimli- He fell!
Eowyn- *gasp* He's dead!
Legolas- No! He fell....over a cliff ya-know (uses hands to act out someone falling over a cliff)
Eowyn- Damn!....Hey you're an elf prince aren't you?
Legolas- .................Uh
Theoden- Prepare for WAR people!
Isengard:
(Wormtongue shows Saruman blue prints to Helm's Deep)
Saruman- All I need to do is blow-up the wall. Some C4 should do it.
Wormtongue- Even if it does zit would take an army of 10,000 to win.
(Saruman shows Wormtongue army of 10,000 Uber-Orcs)
Wormtongue- Zou'd think I would have zeen and army zat size when I got here.
(Saruman gives Uber-Orcs pep talk)
Saruman- Kill everything! Mwa-ha-ha-ha
Fangorn Forest:
Pippin- Look, smoke!
Merry- I didn't do it!
Treebeard- It's coming from Isengard.
Merry- Isengard?
Treebeard- That's right, Isengard!
Pippin- Look, huge army of Uber-Orcs off to kill our friends!
Army of Uber-Orcs- (off in the distance) Oh-eee-oh-ooooooh
River:
(Somehow Aragorn avoided hitting all the super sharp rocks and has washed up on shore. He has another wet dream about Arwen and wake's up to find he's making out with a horse that has conveniently found him. He rides toward Helm's Deep to make an awe inspiring entrance)
Rivendell:
Elrond- (to Arwen) Packed yet?
Arwen- I don't want to go now.
Elrond- (frustrated) Make up your mind!
Arwen- I'm gonna wait for him.
Elrond- Wait for who?
Arwen- Aragorn, daddy.
Elrond- Oh, him. He's not coming back for you. I foresaw a blond shieldmaiden in his future.
Arwen- What? I'm getting dumped for some skanky female transvestite?
Elrond- You should leave for Valinor now. It'll look like you dumped him.
Arwen- I will. Thanks daddy. You always say the right thing.
(She leaves)
Elrond - That was easy. I didn't even have to use my depressing speech and make her cry.
Galadriel- (telepathically) Yes, yes, good work, Agent Smith!
Elrond- AUGH! Stop doing that, elf-witch!
Galadriel- Isn't that a cookie? Whatever, shut up and listen to me. Sauron will use Saruman's army to destroy the people of Rohan-
Elrond- *yawn* I know!
Galadriel- Shh! Where was I? Oh, yes, the Ring is working hard to find it's way back into the hands of men-
Elrond- Men are weak!
Galadriel- Shut up! The strength of the Ring-bearer is failing. In his heart Frodo's begins to understand, the quest will clam his life!
Elrond- Huh? No, it doesn't!
Galadriel- Yes it does. I have foreseen it
Elrond- I haven't!
Galadriel- That's because you're a half breed. You don't have all the elven wisdom I have.
Elrond- Whatever!
Galadriel- Sauron will stop at nothing until he rules the world.
Elrond- Well, at least he has goals!
Galadriel- Do we leave Middle Earth to it's fate? Do you let them stand alone?
Elrond- Yeah! It's not our problem.
Henneth Annun
(Frodo and Sam are carried into a cave and let out of the sack. A man with a rather large nose approaches)
Man- My name is Faramir. Are you Orcs?
Sam-......Uh.....no!
Faramir- Well, sometimes it's hard to see past my big nose.
Sam- I understand. My cousin has a huge nose. Folk call her 'Gonzo.'
Faramir- *sniffle* That's what they call me!
Frodo- Um......Can we continue please?
Faramir- Right. So what happened to the annoying CGI guy?
Frodo- There was no other. Just me and tubby here. Nope. Nobody else. Nada-
Faramir- OK! So, who are you?
Frodo- My name is Frodo Baggins and this is Samunwise Gumjew.
Sam- Samwise Gamgee!
Frodo- Right. We are hobbit's from the Shire. We set out from Rivendell with seven others. We lost the old guy in Moria.
Faramir- That was careless.
Frodo- Huh? Oh, no. We didn't lose him as in misplaced. I mean he fell!
Faramir- Oh, I'm sorry. Did he hurt himself? Old people sometimes break a hip when they fall.
Frodo- He FELL off a bridge into a black abyss....chasm....thing.
Faramir- I see....... Please continue.
Frodo- Two were my kin.
Faramir- Hobbit's?
Frodo- No, elves. What the do you think? A dwarf there was also and an elf. And two men.
Faramir- Two?
Frodo- YES! Aragorn son of Ara-whoever and Boromir of Gondor.
Faramir- Boromir? You were friends of his?
Frodo- Well....
Sam- NO!
Frodo- For my part.
Faramir- It will make you cry to learn that he is dead then.
Sam- Not really!
Frodo- Who? What? When? Where? How? Why?
Faramir- As one of 'friends' I had hoped you would tell me.
Frodo- He was alive and kickin when last I saw.
Faramir- Well, he ain't no more. I saw his somewhat decomposed body in a boat floating down the Great River. He was missing his wrist-guard things too!
Frodo- (crying) If he's dead then for some reason I have to assume that ALL of my companions are dead.
Sam- Why?
Frodo- (crying) It's all my fault. Oh, woe is me. WOE IS ME! (breaks down)
Faramir- Uh....some of your companions had to have survived in order to steal Boromir's wrist-guards, dump his body in a boat and float it down the river.
Frodo- (composing himself) Oh, yeah!
Faramir- You're not the brightest hobbit in the Shire are you Mr. Baggins?
Frodo- Hey! Well, at least everyone's alive. Besides Boromir that is.
Faramir- Well, I wouldn't go that far. Some of the big one's survived for sure, but your kin were more then likely slain!
Frodo- Boo-hoo!
Sam- (happy) Or captured by Uber-Orcs to be taken to their master and curly tortured
Frodo- (crying) It's all my fault
Faramir- Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not your fault.
Sam- Well, he did leave his cousins to be eaten by Uber-Orcs.
Frodo- Boo-hoo!
Faramir- Oh....Boromir was my brother (starts crying too) Boo-hoo!
Sam- Aww crap!
Later:
(Faramir sits alone reflecting on the good time's he had with Boromir. Man enters)
Man- We found the annoying CGI guy.
(Faramir goes to wake Frodo)
Sam- SNORE
Frodo- snore
Faramir- Frodo, wake up!
Frodo- snore
(Faramir gets closer to Frodo's face)
Faramir- Froooodo!
Frodo- snore
Sam- SNORE
(Faramir gets even closer)
Faramir- Frodo. You look so cute when you sleep. Like a little bunny!
Frodo- (mumble) Not the bunny. NO! (wakes up to find Faramir standing over him. A little too close) AAAHHHH! What are you doing?
Faramir- Watching you sleep!
Sam- SNORE
Frodo- ........Uh......
Faramir- Come with me. I have something to show you.
Frodo- I'd rather not! (hit's Sam)
Sam- SNORE
Faramir- You have no choice.
Frodo- What is it you want to show me? (hit's Sam harder)
Sam- SNORE
Faramir- You'll see. Now come on. Let your friend sleep.
Frodo- Fine! (gets up and kicks Sam really hard)
Sam- SNORE
(Faramir leads Frodo down a passage way and then outside. Looking around Frodo sees a waterfall pouring into a pool down below)
Frodo- Yeah it's nice and all, but I'd really like to be sleeping.
(Faramir points to a rock in the middle of the pool. Upon it sits none other then.........one of the Budweiser frogs)
Budweiser Frog- Bud......Bud......Bud......Bud!
Faramir- Shall I shoot?
Bud Frog- (changing places) Wise.......Wise........Wise.......Wise!
Frodo- Yes, shoot it! Don't let it finish, please. Kill it now!
Bud Frog- (changing places again. Faramir's man shoots frog)...OW! (dies)
Frodo- Thanks! (sees something else down by rock) Hey, what's that?
Faramir- Could be that damn Taco Bell dog.
Frodo- No wait, its Gollum!
Faramir- Gollum?
Frodo- That's right, Gollum.
Faramir- Who's Gollum?
Frodo- The annoying CGI guy. He's our guide!
Faramir- You lied to me?
Frodo- Yeah......sorry.
Faramir- That hurts *sniffle*
Frodo- Let me go get him.
Faramir- *sniffle* Fine! Whatever!
(Frodo goes down to Gollum)
Frodo- Gollum!
Gollum- SMEAGOL!!!!
Frodo- Smeagol. Follow me
Smeagol- We must go now?
Frodo- Yes, come on!
Smeagol- But we just caught fishy. We are hungry and needs to eat
Frodo- I don't care. Come on. You have to TRUST me.
Smeagol- TRUST you? OK! Nice master wouldn't let anything bad happen to poor hungry Smeagol.
Frodo- Of course not
(Smeagol follows Frodo)
Man- (jumping out from behind rock and grabbing Smeagol) Gotcha!
Smeagol- AAAHHHH! Master tricks us!
(Bad master)
Frodo- Well...
(Men take Smeagol and Frodo back to cave. Smeagol is taken into a back room for questioning)
Faramir- Where are you leading them?
Smeagol- (with really bright light pointed at him) *sniffle* I'll never tell!
Faramir- Didn't think so.
Gollum- Smeagol. Why does it cry, Smeagol?
Smeagol- Master tricksed us.
Gollum- I told you he would!
Smeagol- No, you didn't. We spent the hole scene arguing over which Star Wars was better and ran out of time.
Gollum- Oh yeah! Well, I meant to tell you that master is tricksy and false.
Smeagol- It's a little late now!
Gollum- Well, you told Gollum to go away and we didn't have time to tell you. It's your fault. And worse yet, they want us to spoil master's secret even though in the book fat hobbit does!
Faramir- (listening) What secret?
Gollum- You know? *wink*
Faramir- No!
Gollum- Come on. It's so obvious.
Faramir- What is?
Gollum- Think about it. The way master and fat hobbit act. Don't you find something odd about it? *wink wink*
Faramir- You mean?
Gollum- Yep!
Faramir- That explains the funny feeling I get when I'm near them.
Gollum- Stupid master!
Smeagol- Yeah, stupid master. We hates him!
Faramir- I guess you cant always tell by looking at someone.
(Faramir goes to talk to Fordo and Sam)
Faramir- I know your secret!
Frodo- What secret? We don't have a secret. Do we Sammy? Nope. No secrets here. Just two normal guys!
Sam- Hobbits!
Frodo- Hobbits! We have nothing to hide. Nope. Nada!
Faramir- Why should I believe you? You lied to me before.
Frodo- Hey, I apologized for that. If you can't forgive and move on this relationship will never work. Come on Sam, lets go!
Faramir- Hold it!
Frodo- *sigh* That never works!
Faramir- Here in the wild I have you. Two halflings and a host of men at my call.
Frodo- I don't think I like where this is going.
Faramir- I know your secret! *wink*
Frodo-......Um.....What secret would that be again?
Faramir- You have the One Ring!
Frodo- Whew! Thought that's the one you meant.
Faramir- You have another secret?
Frodo+Sam- NO!
Faramir- .....Riiight! Anyway, my dads always riding my ass because I'm 'not as good as precious Boromir,' so I think I'll take the Ring to him. Buy his love with evil tacky gold jewelry.
Frodo- *sigh*
(Man enters)
Man- Captain, Osgiliath is under attack.
Faramir- (to man) Then we must go. Pack up. (man leaves)
Sam- You can't have the Ring!
Faramir- Why not?
Sam- We gotta destroy it. That's where we're going, to Mt. DOOM.
Faramir- *gasp*........Nope, the Ring will go to Gondor!
Frodo+Sam- Damn!