The Return of the King PART #2
Cirith Ungol:
(Gollum and Frodo climb up to a large creepy cave)
Gollum- We're here!
Frodo- It looks like a trap.
(He enters)
Frodo- What's that smell?
Gollum- .....Orc poo!
Frodo- It smells like this guy I know.
A few minutes later:
Frodo- The walls are sticky! What is it?........Gollum?.........Gollum?...........GOLLUM???
Gollum- (from somewhere far away) I led you into a trap.
Frodo- It's a trap?
Gollum- You really aren't the brightest hobbit in the Shire, are you?
Frodo- ???
(Just then Frodo hears a noise behind him)
Frodo- Hello?
(He take's out the elven flashlight Galadriel gave him and sees a......dun dun dun.... Giant SPIDER)
Frodo- Whew! I thought with my luck it'd be a giant bunny.
(The giant spider starts running toward him)
Frodo- Oh s***
(He runs. He trips over some stuff. He falls down a few times. He runs some more. He runs right into a web and gets stuck. The giant spider is about to catch up with him. He gets out just in time. Runs for the exit. He makes it out. He falls again. Gollum jumps on him. They fight. Frodo wins. Gollum plays the feel sorry for me card. It works. Gollum attacks Frodo again. Frodo throws Gollum over cliff into black abyss. Frodo falls down and has 'lack of weed and mushroom' induced vision of Galadriel helping him up. He gets up. He starts walking again. He trips over a rock. He gets up and moves on. Giant spider slips out secret exit and stalks Frodo for a few very creepy minutes)
Frodo- La la la, I should look up, but I wont.
(Giant spider stings him and starts rolling him up like a fat joint)
Sam- (coming out of nowhere) Drop him!
(Giant spider does. Frodo's drops five feet and lands with a thud)
Sam- Oops. I'm gonna kill you giant spider!
(He doesn't. He only hurts her)
Sam- *running to Frodo* Frodo?
Frodo- (silence-------)
Sam- You're dead! NOOOOO! Then I'm coming with you.
(He picks up Sting and means to follow Frodo into the afterlife when he notices that the blade is glowing. He takes the Ring and abandons Frodo to be discovered by Orcs)
Orc#1- *finding Frodo* Look! Is it dead?
Orc#2- No, any idiot can see it's still breathing.
Sam- (from hiding spot) Oop's, shoulda checked to see if he was breathing.
(Orcs take Frodo. Sam follows)
Minas Tirith still at war:
(The lower levels of the city are burning)
Merry- I didn't do it!
(Shh, your part's coming up)
Merry- Well, hurry up then.
Orcs killed= 956
Men killed= 135
Hobbits killed= 0
Wizards killed= 0
People and Orcs Gandalf's hit with staff= 12,342.5
Up In The Tombs:
Denethor- Bring wood and oil. We're gonna have a little BBQ.
Pippin- Yummy!
Denethor- You wouldn't want what I'm cooking.
Pippin- Don't be so sure. I haven't had a proper meal in weeks.
Denethor- I'm cooking me...and Faramir.
Pippin- Well, with a little salt....
Denethor- You can't eat me.
Pippin- Fine, then you can't cook you.
Denethor- You cant stop me.
Pippin- Gandalf can!
Denethor- Oh, with his 'magic'?
Pippin- Oh, please. He'll just beat you unconscious with his staff again.
(Pippin does the only sensible thing a hobbit can do. He runs to tell Gandalf)
Meanwhile:
(Rohirrim FINALLY get to Minas Tirith.Theoden gives redundant and reptitive speech (ride now...ride now....ride now...etc..). Once he gets out of the way they fight)
Meanwhile:
Pippin- Gandalf, Denethor's gonna burn himself and Faramir alive.
Gandalf- Yummy!
Pippin- He says we can't eat them.
Gandalf- Rats, then I'll stop him.
(He grabs Pippin and rides up to tombs)
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH
Gandalf- This scene was cut, go away! *throws rock at WKA*
Witch King of Angmar- OW! No matter, I'll deal with you later. No man can kill me. I'm the badist mofo there ever was!
(He leaves. Gandalf and Pippin enter tombs)
Gandalf- Steward, why are you doing this?
Denethor- I'm crazy, duh!
Faramir- I'm not dead yet....
Denethor- You, be quite!
(Denethor sets the wood around pyre on fire. Gandalf then throws Pippin on burning pyre)
Pippin- What a jerk!
(Using his 'hobbit strength?' Pippin manages to roll Faramir and himself off onto the floor. Gandalf hits Denethor with staff. Denethor falls in fire. Denethor catches fire. Denethor runs outside to jump in water, trips over wall and falls to his death)
Gandalf- Oop's!
Meanwhile:
(The battle on the field is still going on)
Eowyn- This is fun.
Merry- You're f****** crazy women.
Eowyn- Look, Oliphaunt's!
Merry- Who cares?
Eowyn- There heading right for us.
Merry- Then we should move.
Eowyn- I'm gonna run right at'em.
Merry- Not with me on the horse, let me off.
Eowyn- *holding him down* Silly hobbit!
(Oliphaunt trips and Eowyn and Merry fall off horse)
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH
Theoden- AAAAHHHHH
(WKA fatally wounds Theoden's horse Snowmane who rolls over on Theoden)
Theoden- Get off me, horse!
Snowmane- If I have to die, so do you old man! ha ha ha
Witch King of Angmar- (to weird dragon thing) We're in the middle of a battle, but I guess we have time for you to eat this one guy.
Weird Dragon Thing- Yummy!
Theoden- AUGH!
Eowyn- Get away, he hasn't signed the will yet.
(She kills weird dragon thing)
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH! That was my favorite weird dragon thing. Die!
Eowyn- I am no man! *takes off clothes* See?
Witch King of Angmar- What? I didn't say you were.
Merry- *sneaks up behind WKA and stabs him in the knee......hey, he's only a hobbit* Ah, my arm! *passes out*
Eowyn- Useless git. *stabs WKA herself*
Witch King of Angmar- SCREECH! Killed by a hobbit and a naked women. They're all gonna laugh at me. *dies*
Eowyn- Uncle?
Theoden- I'm not dead yet!
Eowyn- Will you sign the will now?
Theoden- My body is broken.
Eowyn- Are your fingers?
Theoden- No, just the rest of my body. So much pain, oh, the pain-
Eowyn- I don't care! Sign the will.
Theoden- You have to let me go.
Eowyn- I will, just as soon as you sign.
Theoden- I go to my fathers, in who's mighty company-
Eowyn- SIGN THE WILL!
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- What?
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- What?
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- WHAT?
Theoden- Eowyn?
Eowyn- SHUT UP AND SIGN THE F****** WILL!
(Theoden dies)
Eowyn- NOOOOO! Now I'll never be a queen!
Meanwhile up in the city:
Pippin- We're gonna die!
Gandalf- You will!
Pippin- What's it like?
Gandalf- What's what like?
Pippin- Death?
Gandalf- How should I know?
Pippin- Because you've died....remember?
Gandalf- Oh, that.....well, death is.... great. White shores and everything, now shut up and leave me alone.
Meanwhile at the Docks:
(Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Dead People FINALLY show up in pirate ships)
Orcs- Ugh, I hate pirate impersonators! (to Orc #876) Hey, watch me kill this elf. I've been practicing three hours a day. *fights Legolas*
Legolas- *fighting orc* Why? Because you're stupid and have nothing else to do?
Orcs- No! Well, yes actually, but I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a fake pirate, I can kill it.
Legolas- Hey, *fight* that's *fight* like *fight* my *fight* line *kills orc* from that other movie I was in.
Gimli- Huh?
(They fight. More pointless humor between elf and dwarf, elf shows off a few times, dwarf tries, dead people easily kill bad guys, war's over, biggest anticlimax of any battle in the entire trilogy)
Aragorn- (to dead people) Thanks, you saved are asses.
Dead People- Can we go now?
Aragorn- You shouldn't have been here in the first place.
(Dead People leave)
Later:
Pippin- Can't believe I didn't die.
(He finds Merry)
Pippin- Merry?
Merry- I can't believe you didn't die either.
Pippin- Hey!.....Well, you look like you're about to.
Merry- I'm okay! I thought stabbing the Witch King was supposed to almost kill me or something, but *shurg* guess not!
Pippin- YAY!
Merry- YAY!
(They sing)
Merry- Ding Dong! The Witch-Kings dead.
Pippin- Which old Witch-King?
Merry- The Wicked Witch-King!
Pippin- Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch-Kings dead....
(Everyone ignores naked Eowyn beating Theoden's body with the unsigned will)
Meanwhile in Citadel:
(Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Eomer are trying to figure out what to do next)
Legolas- What to do next?
(After a long period of silence)
Aragorn- So.......Frodo must be getting close to Mt. Doom by now, huh?
Gandalf- He'll never get to the Mountain of Fire with Sauron's army in Mordor.
Eomer- Whatca guys talkin about? Who's Toto?
Gimli- Didn't anybody think about that before now?
Gandalf- Well, we were busy with other matters. You know, preoccupied and stuff.
Legolas- A diversion!
Gilmi- Not yet, Legolas.
Legolas- Oh, sorry.
Eomer- Hello? Anyone?
Aragorn- What do you suggest, Gandalf?
Gandalf- You have two choices. You can stay here and wait for Sauron to send an even bigger army to kill you all. Or, you can march up to the Black Gate and ask to fight.
Aragorn- That's suicide!
Gandalf- Yep!
Gimli- .......So are choices are death or death?
Gandalf- Yep!
Gimli- I'd rather have cake!
Gandalf- *sigh* We all would Gimli, we all would. But as long as Sauron's Eye is watching his massive army slaughter you lot, then Frodo can safely get to the Crack's of Doom.
Aragorn- So.....again, what do you suggest, Gandalf?
Gandalf- Ride to the Black Gate and keep the Eye off of Frodo.
Legolas- A diver-
Gandalf- *interrupting* Sort of a diversion.
Legolas- HEY! You stole my line!
Gandalf- You've said it four times already.
Aragorn- We're all gonna die!
Eomer- (Scottish accent) Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.
Gandalf- I do cuz I'm immortal, ha ha ha! COME! Tonight we ride to Mordor, and WAR!
Aragorn- But I'm so close to finally being king *pout*
Legolas- (Scottich accent) I love ya, always have.
(Everyone looks at the elf)
Legolas- Well, I wanted to quote Braveheart too!
Mordor:
(Sam has to go rescue Frodo from the Orcs)
Sam- I'm such an idiot!
(Yep!)
Sam- Who said that?
(The Orcs have conveniently killed each other making it easy for Sam to rescue Frodo)
Sam- Frodo, your alive! You're naked!
Frodo- You idiot! Why didn't you check to see if I was breathing before assuming I was dead?
Sam- *staring at Frodo's naked body* .......Huh?
Frodo- Why did they take my clothes, anyway?.......Hey, they took the Ring! YAY! It's over!
Sam- ...Um...I took it.
Frodo- Aww! Well, that means it's yours now. Good luck with that! *starts to leave*
Sam- I don't think so! You volunteered for this crap! Not even I'm that stupid!
Frodo- FINE! Give it back then.
Sam- Okay, lets go.
Frodo- Wait, I have to find my clothes.
Sam- Why?.......Oh, I mean.....here they are.
(Frodo gets dressed. They leave)
Later:
Frodo- Look at all those Orcs!
Sam- I think we're screwed.
Frodo- Yep!
Meanwhile:
(Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Pippin, 'Merry', Eomer and a bunch of other unimportant people march up to the Black Gate of Mordor)
Back in Mordor:
Sam- Look, the Orcs are moving off!
Frodo- How convenient!
Later:
Frodo- AH, the bugs. Get'em off! Get'em off! *slaps at air*
Sam- Mr. Frodo you're a tweaker? That does explain a lot.
Big Evil Creepy Fiery Eye- What's that?
Sam- The Eye! Get down!
(They do)
Frodo- I hate CBS. More then bunnies, Sam! *mutter* Stupid Raymond! Not everybody loves you!
Sam- I know, Mr. Frodo, I know!
Later:
Sam- Climbing up this volcano sucks.
Frodo- Yep!
Sam- Do you remember stuff?
Frodo- No! Carry me, Sam.
Sam- ........Uh......OK!
(He does)
Sam- Merry or Pippin wouldn't carry you, Mr. Frodo.
Meanwhile at the Black Gate:
Gandalf- It's closed!
Pippin- Well, duh!
Gandalf- Hey! I'll make you ride with Aragorn.
Pippin- Well, he's clean now so it doesnt matter.
Aragorn- Knock knock, anybody home?
Random Person- Where did all our horses go?
Random Person #2- They just disappeared. Like magic!
(Gate opens. 10,000 Orcs come out)
Aragorn- Never mind, we'll go home.
Gandalf- You're supposed to be a brave king, Aragorn. Give your men a speech.
Aragorn- .....Um...A day may come when our courage fails. When we break all bonds of fellowship and run away. But it is not this day...
Random Man- Actually, for me it is this day *he runs away. Others follow him*
Aragorn- How come they get to leave?
Gandalf- Shut up!
Orcs- DIE!
Aragorn- This day we fight!...For TOTO...Uh....I mean FOR FRODO! *runs toward Orcs*
Hobbit's- (trying to look scary run after him) GRRRR!
(Aww, that's so cute....oh, sorry. Everyone else follows. They fight)
Nazgul- SCREECH
Moth- What's up?
Gandalf- I thought I ate you!
Moth- You ate my brother, prepare to die!
Eagles- We're here!
Legolas- The eagles are here!
Pippin- Shouldn't I be knocked out for this?
(Nazgul and Eagles fight)
Meanwhile in Mordor:
Sam- Just a little further.
Gollum- *jumps on hobbits* DIE!
Frodo- I thought I killed you.
Gollum- Since when has falling into a black abyss killed anybody?
Frodo- I'm outta here. *runs in volcano leaving Sam to fight off Gollum alone*
Sam- What a jerk!
(Sam beats up Gollum then follows Frodo)
Sam- Frodo? It's really hot in here, huh?
Frodo- ..............................
Sam- (slowly) What... are... you... waiting... for?
Frodo- Dramatic effect!
Sam- Thought so...
Frodo- .......The Ring is mine! Mwa-ha-ha-ha *puts on Ring and disappears*
Sam- OH, NO F****** WAY!
(Gollum hits Sam over the head. Sam falls. Gollum jumps on invisible Frodo. Gollum bites off Frodo's finger. Frodo reappears)
Frodo- OW!!!
Gollum- YAY! It's mine!
Frodo- That was my favourite finger *pushes Gollum into lava* Oop's, forgot he had the Ring!
Meanwhile outside the Black Gate:
Nazgul- SCREECH! The Ring is destroyed! SCREECH *they fly off*
Gandalf- I feel sick. Maybe I shouldn't have eating that last moth.
(The tower of Barad-Dur falls. Mount Doom erupts)
Legolas- The tower falls! The volcano erupts!
Gandalf- Frodo's dead then.
Everyone- Boo-hoo!
Mount Doom:
Sam- Let's go sit on a rock and wait for the molten hot magma to slowly built up around us before we finally die a most horrible and painful death.
(They do)
Frodo- Well, the Rings gone, the worlds saved, and I still don't think it's worth me dying for.
Sam- I know, Mr. Frodo, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
Frodo- Or the one *mutter* Stupid Star Trek!
Sam- I have been and ever shall be, your friend. Live long and prosper!
Frodo- That's not funny, Sam. Still, if I have to die, I'm glad you're going to die to, Sam.
THE END
(Not really)
Sam- Look, giant eagle!
Frodo- Quick, lay down and pretend to be passed out.
(They do)
Later:
Frodo- *waking* Whew! It was all just a dream and I still have all my fingers.
Gandalf- No, it wasn't and you're permanently disfigured.
Frodo- Aww! Gandalf?
Gandalf- Thats right, Gandlaf!.....NO WAIT! It's 'Gandalf the White now.' I bet you're wondering how I'm alive, huh? Well, through fire and water. From the low-
Frodo- ACTUALLY, I was wondering why every time I have a near death experience and wake up bathed in a really bright room, you're there watching me sleep.
Gandalf- Uh......*glancy eye*
Frodo- It's really creepy ya-know?
(Just then Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Sam run in and jump on Frodo)
Merry- Frodo!
Frodo- Merry!
Pippin- Frodo!
Frodo- Pippin!
Gimli- Frodo!
Frodo- Gimli!
Legolas- Frodo!
Frodo- ....Uh...You!
Aragorn- Frodo!
Frodo- Aragorn!
Sam- *sigh* Sam!
THE END
(Sorry not yet)
(Aragorn's crowned King of Gondor)
Aragorn- YAY! I'm King of the World!
Elrond- You can marry my daughter now.
Aragorn- Oh...um...I don't really want-
Elrond- *glare*
Aragorn- I mean YAY!
Faramir- What about me?
Aragorn- You can be Prince of Ithilien.
Faramir- YAY!
Eowyn- (to Faramir) So you're a prince, huh?
Faramir- Yep!
Eowyn- Good enough for me. I'll marry you!
Aragorn- Now everybody, GO HOME!
(They do)
Journey Home:
(The journey back to the Shire was long and boring. But the hobbit's found ways of amusing themselves)
Pippin- *sneaking up behind Frodo* SCREEEEEECH
Frodo- *jumps 5ft. in the air* AAAAAHHHHHHHH! Stop doing that!
Merry- *points* A BUNNY WABBIT!
Frodo- Eeeeeek! HIDE!
Sam- There's no bunny, Mr. Frodo!
Frodo- Whew!
Bunny- Hello!
Frodo- EEEEEEK *faints*
Sam- PIPPIN! Take off that stupid bunny costume!
The Shire:
Pippin- YAY! We're home!
Sam- What happened to all the tree's?
Frodo- What's going on? It looks like they've been cut down.
Merry- Maybe Saruman has invaded the Shire.
Frodo- What?
Merry- Think about it. The war in Rohan didn't go the way he planned, right? So he decided to invade the Shire and start another war. A war he new he could win.
Legolas- (in Mirkwood) A diversion!
Merry- A distraction!
Pippin- But the Shire posed no threat to him.
Merry- Vengeance my friend, never needed a reason.
Frodo- Vengeance?
Merry- Yes! He must be pretty pissed about Gandalf's promotion, the destruction of Isengard, stealing his stash, destroying the Ring, downfall of the Dark Lord, saving the world and becoming a powerless old geezer crap.
Frodo- *laughing* That's the most ridicules theory I've ever heard. What kind of person would start a war for those reasons?
Merry- A very bad, wicked, evil, retarded, power hungry man!
Hobbit's- HA HA HA! Good one, Merry!
Merry- Hey, it could be true! There's conspiracies and stuff, ya'll don't even know!
Sam- Let's ask that old hobbit dude (to old hobbit dude) Hey, is an evil wizard occupying the Shire.
Old Hobbit Dude- Of course not young feller.
Sam- Then what happened here? Where's all the tree's?
Old Hobbit Dude- We done hadta cut'em down.
Sam- Why?
Old Hobbit Dude- Well, bout a year ago they all done caught fire.
Sam- How?
Old Hobbit Dude- Don't rightly know. Folk say the fire started up in Farmer Maggot's field. Done burnt up his crop then spread down here burnin as it goes. Twas the Great Burning of 3018.
Frodo- A fire, huh? In Farmer Maggot's crop? About the same time we left the Shire?
Old Hobbit Dude- Yep!
(Hobbit's turn and glare at Merry who has suddenly become fascinated with the clouds)
Merry- That one looks like a duck, neat.
Hobbit's- MERRY!
Merry- It's not my fault!
Hobbit's- *glare*
Merry- It's OK! Everything will grow back once Sam spreads his magic elven dirt around.
Sam- .......Uh.....about the dirt......I kinda left it in Mordor.
Galadriel- (form Lothlorien) WHAT?
Frodo- Oh, well!
Pippin- Yeah, lets go get drunk!
(They do)
Sam- I think I'll get married
(He does and NO not to Frodo you perv)
The Shire a few years later:
Frodo- Well, I gotta go.
Sam- Where?
Frodo- Away from you.
Sam- Can I come?
Frodo- You have a wife and kids.
Sam- So?
Frodo- If you stay here, I'll give you my house.
Sam- OK!
Later: Gray Havens
Galadriel- YAY! I get to go home.
Elrond- YAY! I get to see my wife.
Galadriel- Oh, I'm sure she'll be thrilled.
Elrond- You really think so?
Galadriel- NO!
Elrond- Hey! .......By the way, what happened to Frodo dying?
Galadriel- What do you mean?
Elrond- Well, you said he was going to die.
Galadriel- I never said that.
Elrond- Yes you did. You said '...the quest will claim his life.'
Galadriel- Well I......uh.....even the very wise cannot see all ends.
Gandalf- Hey, that's my line!
Elrond- Whatever *mutter* Tell me I don't have elvish wisdom you stupid *mutter mutter*
Galadriel- I curse the day my daughter married you.
Elrond- Oh, I'm not so bad, once you get to know me.
(Elrond Half-Elven and Galadriel the 'all knowing' elf-witch board the ship)
Galadriel- That cookie jokes getting really old ya-know.
(Their bickering can be heard by the hobbits outside saying good-bye to Bilbo)
Bilbo- Well, bye!
Hobbits- (sad) Bye
Gandalf- I get to go too. Bye!
Hobbits- (not sad) C-ya!
Gandalf- I will not say 'do not weep'
Pippin- Um... you just said it though.
Gandalf- IT'S OK TO CRY FOR ME!
Hobbits- ....We're not!
(Gandalf beats them with staff. Hobbits start to cry)
Gandalf- That's better. Come along, Frodo.
(Frodo says good-bye to his friends.....and Sam)
Frodo- Bye my friends.....and Sam.
Merry+Pippin+Sam- Bye!
(Frodo leaves)
THE END..........Seriously