Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King PART #1
500 + years before:
Deagol- Oh, look a pretty ring.
Smeagol- I want it, give it to me or die.
Deagol- NO!
Smeagol- Then die. *kills Deagol*
Outside Mordor:
Sam- SNORE, SNORE, SNORE
Frodo- (annoyed because he can't sleep) Nobody would care if I smothered Sam. I could just blame it on the Ring.....or Gollum-
(Just then Gollum pop's up)
Gollum- WAKE UP!
Frodo- Damn!
Sam- Did you get any sleep, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo- NO SAM, SURE DIDN'T!
Sam- Why not?
(Frodo moves hand to hilt of Sting)
Gollum- Come on, let's go.
Sam- Not until I've.....Uh...I mean, Mr. Frodo's had something to eat.
Frodo- I'm not hungry.
Sam- YAY! More for me.
Later:
Frodo- snore
Sam- I'll pretend to be asleep and see if Gollum is stupid enough to loudly tell himself his plan to kill us and take the ring.
Gollum- *loudly tells himself his plan to have the hobbits killed and then take the Ring*
Sam- I knew it! You mean to murder us. *violently beats Gollum with cast iron frying pan*
Frodo- *waking* Sam, stop that.
Sam- I heard him say he was going to murder us.
Gollum- I never said, I was going to do it!
Frodo- See, Sam? You were mistaken.
Sam- But......fine.
Helm's Deep, after the battle....again:
Legolas- Where did all the elves go?
Aragorn- What elves?
Gandalf- Lets go to Isengard.
Aragorn+Legolas+Gimli- OK!
Theoden- Now?.....Uh......Don't you want to bathe first and wash off all that blood, sweat and dirt?
Aragorn- Why?
Isengard:
Merry- (Legolas style) Aragorn approaches.
Pippin- What makes you think Aragorn's coming here?
Merry- I can smell him.
Pippin-........I think that smells from the decomposing Orcs in the-
(Just then Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Theoden, Eomer and people who aren't important enough to have names arrive)
Aragorn- Hi, my little midget friends.
Merry- See?
Pippin- Hi, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Gandalf.
Legolas- Mae Govannen.
Gimli- What's up?
Gandalf- *grunt*
Legolas- Wow, moving tree's, lets go say hello.
Gandalf- They did do ALL the work here.
Merry- We helped ya-know.
Eomer- (to Merry) We've never met, but I'm sure you'll be comfortable riding with me.
Merry- ....Uh...
Eomer- Good, hold on tight little guy.
Pippin- Can I ride with you, Gandalf?
Gandalf- No, you ride with Aragorn.
Pippin- But he smells....
Aragorn- Ha ha, we can jest later little Merry.
Pippin- PIPPIN!
Aragorn- ......Right, hop on!
Pippin- Gross! You could have at least washed some of the blood off.
A bit later:
Gandalf- Hallo! Hallo!
Wormtongue- 'Allo! Who is zis?
Gandalf- It is Gandalf the White, and these are the riders of the Riddermark. Who's tower is this?
Wormtongue- This is the tower of Saruman of many colours.
Gandalf- Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Eru with a sacred quest. I even got a nifty staff *holds up staff*
Wormtongue- Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... Uh, he's already got a staff, you see?
Gandalf- What?
Gimli- He says he's already got one!
Gandalf- I know he's got one.
Wormtongue- Oh, yes, it's very nice-a.
Gandalf- Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
Wormtongue- Of course not! You are English types-a!
Gandalf- Well, what are you then?
Wormtongue- I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly wizard?
Gimli- What are you doing in Middle-Earth?
Wormtongue- Mind your own business!
Gandalf- If you will not get your master, we shall take this tower by force.
Wormtongue- You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Gandalf-wizard, you and all your silly English riderz.
Gimli- What a strange person.
Gandalf- Now look here, you witless worm.
Wormtongue- I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food throw-upper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Gimli- Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Wormtongue- No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a.
Gandalf- Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
Wormtongue- *mutter* I'll show you.
Gandalf- If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-
(Just then Wormtongue throws the Palantir out window)
Palantir- *woosh* Wee!
Gandalf- Jesus Christ! Run away!
(They do)
Palantir- HELP! I'm headed for a pool of water.
Pippin- I'll save it! *does*
Palantir- Thanks!
Gandalf- Give that to me.
Pippin- But I saved it?
Gandalf- Well, I'm bigger then you are Imp.
Pippin- That's not very fair.
Gandalf- Oh, well!
(From somewhere up in the tower)
Saruman- YOU STUPID FRENCH BASTARD! MY BOWLING BAWL WAS ON THE OTHER PEDESTAL!
(The company leaves Isengard and heads for Edoras)
Edoras:
(Outside)
Legolas- The stars are vailed.
Aragorn- What does that mean?
Legolas-..........The stars are vailed.
Aragorn- Yes, but what does it mean?
Legolas- ....Uh... The dark lord is searching for his Ring.
Aragorn- Duh!
(Inside)
Everyone Else- SNORE
Pippin- I wanna look at that big black ball.
Merry- hee hee, I bet.
Pippin- Huh?
Merry- I mean that's a bad idea, Pippin. I'm sure it's evil or something.
Pippin- Yeah, you're probably right. But it was very polite. Said 'thanks' when I saved it.
Merry- Oh look, there's a nasty poisonous looking spider on it. *points to large spider*
Pippin- I should kill it before it bite's Gandalf.
(Pippin kills the spider, but in the process accidentally touches the Palantir)
Pippin- AAAAAHHHHH!
(Outside)
Aragorn- I mean, when you say something like 'the stars are vailed' it should at least make sense, right?
Legolas- .......Uh......
(Inside)
Merry- GANDALF, WAKE UP!
Gandalf- Fool of a Brandybuck, stop yelling! *picks up Merry and tosses him across the room*
Merry- AAAAaaahhhhhh *thud* OW!
Gandalf- (seeing Pippin) ......Oh, Fool of a Took!
Pippin- Gandalf, I'm sorry, it was an accid-
Gandalf- SILENCE! Now we must ride to Minas Tirith.
Pippin- Why do I have to go?
Gandalf- Because it's likely the city with be attacked and every mortal in it will be killed.
Pippin- So why do I .......Oh....Can Merry come?
Gandalf- Will you miss him?
Pippin- Yes!
Gandalf- Then NO! HA HA HA
Merry- Here take my stash. I think the cops are on to me man.
Pippin- Sweeeeet!
Merry- Don't smoke it all.
Gandalf- Go, Shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste.
Shadowfax- Haste? According to Webster's haste means-
Gandalf- NOT TELL US, SHOW US YOU RUDDY HORSE!
Shadowfax- Okie-dokie.
ZOOOOOOOOOOOM ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Gandalf- ...and stop with the stupid sound effects.
Shadowfax- That's not me.
Pippin-................Sorry.
Rivendell:
Elrond- It's so peaceful without all those elves around. Finally, I can walk around naked.
Arwen- *running up she dramatically throws her expensive cloak to the ground* Daddy!
Elrond- (naked) Blast, I thought I got rid of you.
Arwen- What have you foreseen?
Elrond- (naked) You're gonna die.
Arwen- But there is also life. I saw my son.
Elrond- (still naked) You're giving up your chance to sail West because you had a daydream?
Arwen- It was real. I foresaw it.
Elrond- (yep, still naked) Nothing is certain.
Arwen- Some things are certain.
Elrond- (it's really gross) That doesn't make sense.
Arwen- But it was a really good line............Oh, I'm cold.
Elrond- (seriously gross) Me too.
Arwen- I see.
Elrond- Huh? Oh, yeah! (puts on robe) The life of the Eldar is leaving you.
Arwen- Really? Hadn't noticed! .....If I leave him now, he'll hook up with that skanky shieldmaden and I will regret it forever.
Elrond- Leave who?
Arwen- Aragorn, daddy, pay attention.
Elrond- Oh, him again.
Arwen- From the ashes a fire shell be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be that blade that was broken: The crownless again shall be king.
Elrond- Huh???
Arwen- Reforge the sword daddy. Give him the sword of the king.
Elrond- Oh! Well, why didn't you just say that? It's damn luckily that the only elves left in Rivendell are the blacksmiths.
Arwen- That's because that lot's not wanted in Valinor daddy.
Horse Ride:
(Gandalf and Pippin are still riding to Minas Tirith. They pass a sign that say's 'Welcome to the Realm of Gondor')
Gandalf- We've just passed into the realm of Gondor.
Pippin- Yeah, thanks Legolas, I saw the sign back there.
Gandalf- Look, Minas Tirith!
Pippin- Minas Tirth!
Shadowfax- Minas Tirth!
Gandalf- Wait, we already did this bit in The Two Towers.
Pippin- Bugger!
(They enter city and head for the Citadel ..............la la la la................They finally get to the top)
Gandalf- (to Pippin) Don't tell the Steward that Boromir's dead.
Pippin- OK!
(They enter Citadel)
Gandalf- Denethor!
Denethor- My son is dead.
(Gandalf hits Pippin on head with staff)
Pippin- Hey, I didn't tell him.
Denethor- My life is meaningless now. *sulk*
Pippin- Sucks for you.
Denethor- Hey, you're supposed to offer to serve me since my son died protecting you.
Pippin- Screw that, it's not my fault the dumbass didnt use his shield. Besides, he didnt do a very good job 'protcting' me, now did he?
Gandalf- *hits Pippin with staff* FOLLOW THE SCRIPT HOBBIT!
Pippin- Bloody hell! FINE! I'll fight for you.
Denethor- Better yet, you can stay and watch me eat.
Pippin- That doesn't sound so bad.
Denethor- You wouldn't think.
Gandalf- MOVE FOOL! *hits Pippin on head with staff again*
Pippin- OW!
Gandalf- You must defend your city against Mordor, Steward.
Denethor- But they haven't attacked yet.
Gandalf- Steward! Steward! Steward!
Denethor- You mean to supplant me and put that smelly ranger in my place.
Gandalf- And? (to Pippin) Let's go.
(As they leave Gandalf shouts on last 'Steward' at Denethor and slams the doors shut)
Gandalf- Pippin my brave lad, I need you to do me a tiny little favor.
Pippin- Sure Gandalf, anything.
Gandalf- Good! Now clime all the way up the side of the mountain and light the beacon on the tower at the top.
Pippin- You want me to clime up the mountain, but what if I fall?
Gandalf- I'm a wizard, I will use my magic to safely float you to the ground.
Pippin- If you're such a great wizard, why cant you just light the beacon with your magic?
Gandalf- Because that would be too easy and then what would be the point of adding this scene to the movie?
Pippin- What?
Gandalf- Just do it.
Pippin- (reluctantly) OK!
(He runs off and climes the side of the mountain. Though he has a rather nasty headache, no shoes, nor has Merry's skill at lighting fires, he succeeds. The fire quickly spreads and Pippin has to clime down the mountain the way he climbed up. He had hoped Gandalf would finally use his powerful wizard 'magic' and help him down. However, Gandalf has run off to see if the other beacons are being lit and forgets all about poor Pippin stuck on top of the tower)
(Unnecessarily long scene in which every beacon from Gondor to Rohan is lit)
Edoras:
Aragorn- Pretty fire, I'm sure that means something...... I'll go ask the 'king.'
(He runs off)
Theoden- (sitting with a group of men and Merry) Do you have any Kings, little hobbit?
Merry- Go fish!
Theoden- Damn!
Aragorn- (childishly runs in waving arms around) FIRE! FIRE! We're in a wooden city! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!
Theoden- Fire?
Aragorn- Yes! On the mountain, a FIRE!
Merry- I didn't do it!
Eomer- It's the beacons! Gondor call's for aid!
Aragorn- ..........Yes! That's what I meant. Gondor calls for aid. We must ride now.
Theoden- Why should we? I'll most likely die.
Aragorn- You're a 'king,' you can't die, remember?
Theoden- ......Oh yeah! Okay, everyone pack up. We're going to WAR!
Everyone- Again?
Eomer- Uncle, shouldn't we meet at Dunharrow first? You know, gather troops.
Theoden- ..........Right, everyone we're going to Dunharrow first.
Eowyn- Can I go?
Theoden- Only as far as Dunrow.
Eowyn- Dunharrow.
Theoden- .....What about it?
Merry- Theoden king, may I be your esquire?
Theoden- Will you take and oath to serve Rohan, FOREVER?
Merry- .....Um.....sure.
Theoden- Then of course. I needed a new servant anyway. I forgot to let my old one out of the dungeons at Helm's Deep. No matter. I'm sure someone will find him, sooner or later. But you'll make a fine servant. Like my own little monkey. Now go wash all the horse s*** out the stables then prepare to depart.
(A bit later they leave Edoras)
Aragorn- (to Merry) Now who's the smelly one, huh?
Merry- *grunt*
Minas Tirith:
Pippin- Neat, a sward and a spiffy uniform, that's just my size. I wonder how they made it so fast?
Gandalf- Do you mind? Cant you see that I'm trying to be all dramatic by standing alone and looking out into the ever growing darkness and gloom?
Pippin- Is there any hope, Gandalf? For Frodo?
Gandalf- No!
Pippin- What about Sam?
Gandalf- Maybe!
Pippin- Damn! What about for us?
Gandalf- Well, I stand a chance because I'm the greatest Sorcerer in the world-
Harry Potter- Albus Dumbeldor is the greatest sorcerer in the world!
Gandalf- What?
Pippin- I didn't say anything.
Meanwhile at Minas Morgul:
Gollum- Look, stairs.
Frodo- Look, scary evil city of undead Nazgul that want the Ring......must... go... ring... doorbell.
Gollum+Sam- NO!
Frodo- Just joking, lets get climbing up these steep stairs into an almost certain trap.
(They do)
Osgiliath:
Men- Orcs are attacking! RUN!
Faramir- To Minas Tirith!
(Everyone cowardly runs away from the battle back towards Minas Tirith. Nazgul on weird dragon things attack them half way there. Suddenly, Gandalf appears ridding Shadowfax and for some reason, he has Pippin with him)
Pippin- Why am I here, again?
Gandalf- Bait!
Pippin- What?
Nazgul- SCREEEEECH
Faramir- Help!
Gandalf- I'll save you!
Pippin- Riiight!
Gandalf- BEHOLD, MY SPOTLIGHT!
Faramir+Company- *gasp*
Pippin-You've got to be kidding me. A spotlight?
Nazgul- NOOOOOO! Not the spotlight!
(Nazgul flee)
Pippin- (confused) What just happened?
Meanwhile in Minas Tirith:
Random Person #1- LOOK! Captain Faramir and company are running away from the battle.
Random Person #2- LOOK! Nazgul on weird dragon things.
Random Person #3- STRIKE!
Random Person #2- There goes that blasted wizard saving the day again.
(Gandalf, Faramir and company enter city)
Faramir- There were to many of them. We had to run.
Man #25- We're DOOOOOOOMED!!!
Gandalf- Oh, shut up!
(Faramir sees Pippin and stare's at him)
Pippin- Quite rude really, considering the size of his nose.
Gandalf- (to Faramir) You've seen one of these things before?
Faramir- A few days ago.
Pippin- Things?
Gandalf- Faramir, tell me everything.
(Faramir apparently tells Gandalf everything)
Stairs:
Gollum- Come on hobbits.
Frodo- How much farther? I need to rest.
Gollum- Long way, no place to rest.
Sam- Oh lookie, there's some flat rocks we can sleep on.
Frodo- How convenient!
(They clime over to the conveniently placed flat rocks. Sam has trouble getting plump bum over)
Gollum- By the way master, fat hobbit wants your-
Frodo- *interrupting* Shh! I know .
Gollum- ...Ring.
Frodo- ....Oh, that....um...thanks for the warning.
Gollum- I got your back.
Later in a completely made up movie scene:
Frodo- snore
Sam- SNORE
Gollum- I'll just steal the food and say fat hobbit ate it.
(Does so)
Sam- *waking* What are you up to?
Gollum- Not much, you?
Sam- Frodo, wake up!
Frodo- *waking* I'm hungry!
Sam- .....NOOOOOO! The foods gone. NOT THE FOOD! NOOOOO!
Frodo- What happened to it, Sam?
Sam- He took it. *points to Gollum*
Gollum- No! He took it. *points back at Sam*
Sam- No, Mr. Frodo, I made a promise 'Don't you eat all the food Samwise Gamgee' and I haven't.
Gollum- Then why after walking for months and eating very little have you been the only one that seems to be getting fatter?
Frodo- Yeah Sam, why?
Sam- I'm not fat, I'm big boned. Gollum's just trying to turn you against me.
Frodo- No, Sam its you.
Sam- Well, FINE! Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Frodo- Fine! Go on get! *shoes him away like a stray dog*
(Frodo and Gollum start climbing up the stairs again. Sam breaks down crying over the loss of the food)
Mines Tirith:
(Denethor, Pippin, Faramir and some other guys are standing in the Citadel)
Denethor- (to Pippin) Bow down and swear an oath to serve me forever, halfling.
Pippin- I swear an oath to serve you as long as you live.
Denethor- Good! Now stand there and look adorable while I send my son off to die.
(Pippin does as ordered)
Denethor- (to Faramir) You let the Orcs over take Osgiliath.
Faramir- They had large rocks.
Denethor- Your bother would have stopped them.
Faramir- Do you wish I was dead?
Denethor- Oh, don't be such a drama queen.
Faramir- Fine! I'll take Gondor's best soldiers to be slaughtered without mercy just before they'll be needed most.
Denethor- Go then, and son...
Faramir- Yes.......father?
Denethor- How do you feel about fire?
Faramir- Huh???
(He leaves)
Denethor- Bring me food minions, then leave.
(They do)
Denethor- Can you sing, halfling?
Pippin- Yes, what would you like to hear?
Denethor- Something to set the mood.
Pippin- Okay.....(upbeat music plays Monty Python: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life)
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...always look on the bright side of life
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing* Always look on the light side of life
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing*
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
-that's the thing
And...always look on the bright side of life
Denenthor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing* Come on, always look on the bright side of life
Denethor- *Whistle*
Meanwhile- (Faramir has gathered the best soldiers he could find and leads them out of the city)
Back in Citadel:
Pippin- *singing*
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin, give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow
- So always look on the bright side of death
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing* -Just before you draw your terminal breath
Denethor- *Whistle*
Pippin- *singing*
Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show, people laughin as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you
And...always-
Meanwhile- (Orcs laugh at soldiers pathetic attempt to retake the city. Orcs aim, they shoot, they score!)
Back in Citadel again:
Pippin- *singing* Always look on the bright side of life...
Denethor- That was nice.
Pippin- Thanks!
Denethor- You really do have a lovely voice.
Pippin- Umm.....thanks!
Denethor- *staring at Pippin* Soooo pretty.
Pippin- *wimper*
Meanwhile- (Gandalf sits by himself thinking about all the powers he doesn't have and how maybe he shouldn't beat people with is staff all the time)
Meanwhile- (Orcs and trolls and wargs, oh my! Roll out their weapons and head for Mines Tirith)
Dunharrow:
Theoden- Finally here.
Aragorn- YAY!
Theoden- Someone summon my hobbit, my hot sweaty feet could use a good rubbin.
Later: In the middle of the night
(Aragorn is asleep)
Man- WAKE UP!
Aragorn- *wakes up* What the hell? *grabs knife and tries to stab man*
Man- Sir, the king wants to see you in his tent.
Aragorn- Again?
(He goes. He knocks on tent)
Aragorn- Knock knock.
Theoden- Enter!
(He does. Theoden is standing next to a mysterious clocked person)
Theoden- You have a visitor. I'm going to wake my hobbit and have him wash out my chamber pot.
(He leaves. Clocked person turns around to revel.......Elrond of Rivendell)
Everyone- *gasp*
Elrond- Arwen is dying. Her fate is now tied to the Ring.
Aragorn- How is that possible? It doesn't make sense.
Elrond- No, it really doesn't. But that's the way it is, so work with it.
Aragorn- Is that all?
Elrond- No, I also brought you your sward. *dramatically pulls sward from cloak*
Aragorn- It's about time! *swish* Cool!
Elrond- Become who you were born to be or you cant marry my daughter.
Aragorn- Aww!
Elrond- You also have to go through the Paths of the Dead.
Aragorn- AWWWWWW!!!
Later:
Aragorn- This sucks.
Eowyn- I love you.
Aragorn- No, you don't. Go away crazy women.
(She runs away crying)
Legolas- Never fear, the elf and dwarf are here.
Aragorn- You can't come.
Gimli- You can't leave us behind. We're the last of the Fellowship.
Legolas- Are we?
Gimli- Uh......I think so.
Aragorn- I seems like we're forgetting someone.
(They think)
Gimli- Nope!
Legolas- It's just us. So we have to stick together.
Aragorn- Fine come, but it'll be SCARY.
Legolas- Elves do not fear death! A bleach drought maybe, but not death.
(They leave)
Merry- Where did everyone go?
Eowyn- They left you.
Merry- Those a**holes left me AGAIN? Oh, that's real nice. Some f****** fellowship we are!
Eowyn- It's okay, we can always sneak into the battle. Then later when they find our dead bloody bodies, they'll feel really guilty for trying to leaving us behind and saying all those mean things. Wont they? HA HA HA
Merry- *backing away* You're kind of crazy!
Eowyn- Wanna play dress-up?
Merry- Sure!
(They go)
The Paths of the Dead:
Aragorn- We're here!
Legolas- The sign says we can't enter.
(They enter)
Gimli- It smells like rancid milk in here.
Legolas- Maybe we should walk in front of Aragorn then.
Dead People- Grrrrrrr
Legolas- Eeeeeek *jumps into Gimli's arms*
Dead People- Go away!
Aragorn- You must come fight with us.
Dead People- Why should we?
Aragorn- Because the fact that we win the war by ourselves in the book, wont be believable in the movie.
Dead People- But the fact that you recruit an army of ghosts will?
Legolas- It worked in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Dead People- Good point.
Aragorn- So will you help?
Minas Tirith again:
(Horse rides through gate dragging nearly dead Faramir)
Denethor- My son is dead.
Pippin- No, he's still alive. He just needs medicine.
Denethor- Not, that one. Boromir!
Pippin- Oh, then yeah, your son's real dead. *acts out Boromir getting shot with arrows*
(Denethor sees army of 100,000 Orcs right outside the city)
Denethor- HOLY S***! EVERYBODY FLEE THE CITY!
Everybody- YAY!
Gandalf- *knocks Denethor out with staff* PREPARE FOR BATTLE!
Everybody- Aww man!
Pippin- I thought you weren't going to beat people with your staff anymore, Gandalf.
(Gandalf hits Pippin with staff)
Gandalf- How are we supposed to fight these things?
Everyone- *silence*
Pippin- .........We could shoot rocks at'em...
Gandalf- Anybody?
Everyone- *silence*
Pippin- *continue* ...That's what hobbits would do. Of course, they would have to be really big rocks, wouldn't they?...
Gandalf- Nobody?
Everybody- *silence*
Gandalf- We're screwed!
(Gandalf, listen to Pippin)
Gandalf- He hasn't said anything.
(He said you should shoot rocks at the Orcs)
Gandalf- No, he didn't.
(Scroll up)
Gandalf- Oh.......Well, I thought we were all supposed to ignore him.
(That's Sam)
Gandalf- Oh, right...
Pippin- *continue*....I mean the city does have those giant slingshot things. I'm pretty sure that's what they're for. To bad you knocked out Denethor, we could've asked him...
Gandalf- Rocks? That's a stupid idea. This isn't some hobbit holiday. Real men don't throw rocks in a war.
(GANDALF!!!!!!!)
Gandalf- Oh sorry.....Great idea.......uh.....LOAD THE ROCKS!
Pippin- *continue* ...I know he needed to be knock out, but still. Oh well, it's not like anyone listens to me anyway-
(Pippin, stop talking)
Pippin- Huh? What? Who said that?
(Giant slingshot battle ensues)
Dunharrow:
Theoden- Let's go!
Eowyn- Can I go?
Theoden- No, now go knit something women.
Merry- Can I go?
Theoden- No, you stay here and bury all the dead people from Helm's Deep..
Merry- *sigh*
Theoden- Do you like puzzles master hobbit?
Merry- Sorta...
Theoden- Good, cuz some of the bodies are in pieces and you'll need to put'em back together.
Merry- Ewww! Why can't I go with you?
Theoden- Because if you die then you get out of your oath to serve me.
Merry- What if you die?
Theoden- Like that'll happen.
(Everyone leaves)
Eowyn- Come hobbit, I'll dress like a man and we can sneak into the battle.
Merry- OK!
(They do)