Fellowship of the Ring PART#2
The Ring Goes South........
*The '"wizard", elf, dwarf, two men, four hobbits and Bill the pony will soon set out for Mordor. Elrond comes to see them off*
Elrond- How about, The Partnership of Isildur's Bane?
Everyone- NO!
Merry- How about, The Fellowship of the Ring?
Everyone- That'll work!
Elrond- *angry* GET OUT! *The Fellowship leaves*
Later:
*Walking*
Later:
*More walking*
Later:
*I get it, they're walking*
Later:
Gandalf- Let's set up camp, even though it's still the middle of day.
Everyone- OK! *They do*
Hobbit's- Lets eat! *They do*
Legolas- I'm going to stand on a rock and look paranoid! *He does*
Aragorn- Gandalf, what road are we to take?
Gandalf- I don't know, maybe the Mines of Moria.
Aragorn- NO! Not the Mines!
Gimli- Why not? My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.
Boromir- We could go to my city.
Everyone- NO!
Legolas- Bird's are coming!
Everyone- BIRD'S?
Legolas- That's right, birds!
Aragorn- HIDE!!! *They do*
Sam- What about Bill?
Pippin- What about the pony?
Aragorn- He can turn into a rock or something, Pippin.
Pippin- Is that true?
Aragorn- I don't know. Ask the director why the pony cant be seen in this scene but he can in the next one.
Pippin- Huh? *Birds pass*
Gandalf- Spies of Saruman.
Pippin- Paranoid much? They're just birds!
Gandalf- We must take the Pass of Caradhras!
Merry- What's that?
Gandalf- 'Tis a mountain!
Merry- A mountain of what?
Gandalf- Stop acting like a fool! *hits Merry with staff* Really, "A mountain of what?" What do you think?
Mountain:
*The clumsy Ring-bearer trips on a snow flake and almost rolls down the mountain. Aragorn saves him*
Aragorn- Do want me to carry you?
Frodo- .....Um...no that's okay
*Throughout the day Frodo continues to "accidentally" trip and roll into Aragorn's welcoming arms. After the twenty-third time the rest of the annoyed Fellowship decide to stop for the night. It's really cold and they cant get a fire lit*
Gandalf- It's colder then I thought it would be up here, fancy that!
Pippin- Gandalf, cant you use your wizard magic and light a fire?
Gandalf- Young hobbit, when will you learn that a wizard cannot do things simply to make your life easier?
Frodo- That's the truth!
Merry- There! *he started a fire*
Aragorn- How did you do that?
Merry- I don't know!
Next Day: Still On Mountain:
*It's snowing and everyone is nearly covered in snow, well almost everyone*
Legolas- Look what I can do! *he dances around on snow*
Gimli- Gandalf, trip him with your staff.
Legolas- There is a foul smell in the air! *Looks at Aragorn* Oh, never mind!
Aragorn- *holding Frodo and Sam) What?
Boromir- *holding Merry and Pippin* We should turn back! Go to my city.
Everyone- NO!
Gimli- Lets us go through the Mines of Moria.
Gandalf- Make Frodo decide!
Frodo- Why do I have decide? Isn't there already enough pressure on me?
Gimli- Frodo, if we go through the Mines, Aragorn wont have to carry you and your face wont be so close to his armpits.
Frodo- The mines it is then! *They turn and head back down the mountain*
The Gates of Moria:
Gandalf- We have to find the doors. *They do* Lucky for us the moon is out tonight. Now if I could only remember the password, because with out it, we're screwed.
Pippin- Shouldn't you have mentioned you didn't know the password?
Gandalf- I do know it, so shut up and let me concentrate.
Pippin- Whatever! I bet Saruman wouldn't need the stupid password, he could just use his "magic."
Six hours later:
*All are sitting on shore of a creepy lake. Aragorn and Sam are unloading the pony and Gimli is telling Merry and Pippin a horror story*
Gimli- It was wearing black robes and white paint on it's face.
Pippin- Was it scary?
Gilmi- Very
Merry- What's it called?
Gimli- They call it a mime- a mime!
Hobbit's- *gasp*
Boromir- I hate this place *Picks up rock and throws it into lake*
Aragorn- What's your problem man?
Boromir- I'm the expendable guy.
Aragorn- You're not expendable. If anyone here is expendable, it's most certainly one of those hobbits. We don't really need four of'em.
Hobbits- We heard that!
Gimli- Nobody tosses a dwarf! *Everyone looks at dwarf*
Legolas- A diversion! *Everyone looks at elf*
Gandalf- I remember, I remember! ALOHOMORA!!! *Nothing happens*
Legolas- Nothing happened!
Frodo- Gandalf, what does the writing on the door say?
Gandalf- Oh, nothing important. It says speak friend and enter.
Frodo- Oh for f**** sake Gandalf. What's the elvish word for friend?
Gandalf- Banana! *Nothing happens*
Frodo- *sigh*...........Legolas, what's the elvish word for friend?
Legolas- Mellon!
*The door opens but just before they are about to enter a giant squid grabs Frodo*
Legolas- Giant squid!
Frodo- HELP!!! *They do*
Gandalf- RUN! TO THE MINES!
*They do. The giant squid blocks the door from the outside*
Gandalf- We're blocked in.
Everyone- Great!
Sam- What about Bill???
Gandalf- *to Pippin* Hey smart ass, you wanna see some magic?
Pippin- Yes, but I doubt I will!
Gandalf- BEHOLD, my magic crystal that will give us light. *Crystal lights*
Sam- Wow!
Pippin- But it's the crystal that's magical, not you.
Gandalf- But it's my crystal!
Pippin- So, Frodo has a magic ring. That doesn't mean he has any real powers.
Boromir- Look, dead dwarves! *It's obvious they were killed be Orcs*
Legolas- They were killed by Orcs!
Gimli- NOOOOO!
Aragorn-Tell me Gimli, how long exactly has it been since you heard from your cousin?
Gimli- About thirty years or so!
Aragorn- Thirty years and you didn't think that was odd?
Gimli- Well......Uh.....MY KIN IS DEAD, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Gandalf- QUIET FOOL! *he hits Gimli over the head with his staff. Gimli falls unconscious on the floor*
Aragorn- Great, now one of us has to carry him.
Gandalf- Make Pippin do it. This is his fault anyhow.
Pippin- WHAT! This isn't my fault and besides he's to big for me to-
Gandalf- DO AS I SAY HOBBIT!
*He does. More because he's afraid Gandalf will hit him with his staff then turn him into anything.....unnatural*
Later:
Pippin- *dropping Gimli to the floor* I'm hungry!
Gimli- Nobody drops a dwarf!
Pippin- You're awake?
Gimli- Yo! I have been. Thanx for the ride holms *goes to eat*
Pippin- Gandalf, I think you broke Gimli when you hit him on the head.
Gandalf- What do you mean?
Pippin- He's talking strange. He use's strange words that don't make sense.
Gandalf- ...... I..... did that..... with my.... magic.
Pippin- Why?
Gandalf- I'm afraid the reasons of a wizard cannot be comprehended by a simple minded hobbit.
Aragorn- Which way should we go Gandalf?
Gandalf- I don't remember.
Pippin- Oh great, this again!
A LONG time later:
*Gandalf still cant remember the way out. Aragorn and Boromir are talking about whatever guys talk about in the dark. Legolas is trying to fix Gimli's speech. Merry and Pippin are thumb wrestling. Sam's eating. Frodo's looking into the dark abyss thinking about how his life sucks and how easy it would be to jump when he sees something*
Frodo- *running to Gandalf* There's something down there.
Gandalf- It's Gollum!
Frodo- Gollum?
Gandalf- That's right, Gollum!
Frodo- How did he get in this way if the doors are blocked off?
Gandalf- I have no time for riddles in the dark, Frodo Baggins.
Frodo- I wish none of this had happened!
Gandalf- So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.
Frodo- Gandalf, you just said something and it actually made sense!
Aragorn- I need a privet moment. I'll be down that tunnel. *He leaves*
Gandalf- Ah, it's that way!
Merry- He's remembered!
Gandalf- No, the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, always follow your nose.
Merry- That only works for you because your nose is so big. *Gandalf hit's him on nose with staff* OW!
Gandalf- We'll see who has a bigger nose after that thing swells up!
Boromir- So Gandalf, why couldn't you smell it before?
Gandalf- I don't know. It was right after Aragorn left I got a whiff of not so foul air.
Later:
Gimli- NOOOOOOOooooooooooooo! *He goes running towards a room screaming*
Gandalf- Gimli? *They follow. Gimli is crying over a tomb*
Gimli- My cousin is dead!
Gandalf- Yep! *picks up old book, though they should move on, instead of lingering*
Legolas- We should move on. We cannot linger.
Gandalf- *reads book aloud* "Orcs are here. Drums in the deep. They're killing everybody. We're all going to die. If anyone is reading this book, you should move on. Do not linger. LEAVE FOOLS! Oh crap, they're here. Oh, the pain, the pain"... It ends there.
{Drums in the deep}
Drums- BOOM DOOM BOOM DOOM
Gandalf- Fool of a Took!
Pippin- What'd I do? Gimli was the one screaming!
Gimli- Nobody blames a dwarf!
Drums- BOOM DOOM BOOM DOOM
Frodo- Hey, my swards glowing.
Gandalf- Mine should be!
Orcs- Die!
Troll- GRRRR
Fellowship- Crap!
*They fight. The two men, one dwarf, one elf, one old man and three halflings (Frodo hides in a corner and doesnt fight) manage to kill dozens of Orcs and a Troll with no casualties (That's believable). They run*
Gandalf- RUN! *They were*
More Orcs- DIE!
Legolas- More Orcs!
Gimli- GRRRRRR
Orcs- AAAAHHHHHH *run away*
Balrog- 'ello!
Gandalf- It's a Balrog, RUN! *They do*
Balrog- Hey, where you guy's goin? *follows*
Legolas- Should a Balrog have wings?
Gandalf- Over the bridge!
Aragorn- Hey, how did the bridge get so close?
Gandalf- No time for that, fly!
Gimli- Nobody orders around a dwarf!
*They cross the bridge safely. Except for Gandalf who thinks because he's a "wizard" the Balrog'll be scared*
Gandalf- You cannot pass!
Balrog- Jeekies, what's a demon of the ancient world to do against a feeble old guy with a stick?
Gandalf- *gasp* HOW DARE YOU!
*Gandalf brakes the bridge and the Balrog falls (Guess the wings are just for show) taking Gandalf down with him*
Gandalf- *with last words insults the Company and sends a "I told you I could do magic" to Pippin*
Gimli- Nobody insults a dwarf!
*The remaining members of the Fellowship run out of the mines and break down crying. Well, most'em anyway*
Pippin- If he really had power he could have used it to float back up.
Merry- At least the staffs gone.
Aragorn- Lets go! *They do*
Lothlorien:
Gimli- They say an elf-witch lives in these woods.
Frodo- Isn't that a cookie?
*Armed violent looking elves pop up from nowhere led by elf in desperate need of a tweeze*
Non-tweezed Elf- Hey dwarf, we don't take to kindly to your type round here!
Aragorn- Haldir, we need your help.
Non-tweezed Elf- How'd you know my name? *to Frodo* You with the big eye's, she is waiting.
Frodo- Who is?
Haldir- Shh! You'll ruin the creepy elf moment. Follow me! *They do*
Later:
Haldir- This is the Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel.
Celeborn- Can someone tell me why I'm here? Anybody? Please?
Galadriel- Welcome, I'm creepy and disrespectful of other people's privacy. You can stay with us tonight, though I'm not going to let you sleep.
Later:
Galadriel- Frodo, wake up!
Frodo- Why?
Galadriel- I want you to look into my mirror.
Frodo- Why?
Galadriel- It shows you things.
Frodo- What kind of things?
Galadriel- All kinds of things, so look before I get pissy!
Frodo- Shouldn't Sam be here too?
Galadriel- LOOK!
*He does. He sees the Shire burning. Hobbits being killed. Hobbit's being enslaved. A big evil creepy fiery eye that tries to eat the ring. He falls down*
Galadriel- What did you see?
Frodo- The Shire and-
Galadriel- I know what it is you saw.
Frodo- Then why'd you ask?
Galadriel- It's what will happen, if you fail.
Frodo- So no pressure right?
Galadriel- Boromir's gonna try and take the ring.
Frodo- Here you take it then. I offer it to everyone I meet anyway.
Galadriel- ....Uh...No, I can't....... This task was appointed to you.
Frodo- Actually, I volunteered to do it.
Galadriel- Then you're not the brightest hobbit in the Shire are you, Frodo Baggins?
Frodo- So do I have to go to Mordor alone?
Galadriel- No, take someone you wont mind leading to certain Doom!.
Frodo- Well punned!
Galadriel- Thanks, it just came to me.
Frodo- The problem is that I care about my friends too much to lead them into danger.
Galadriel- So, take Sam!
Frodo- *grunt* Can I go back to sleep now?
Galadriel- Go, and STOP asking people if they want the Ring!
Isengard:
Saruman- *to Uber-Orc* Do you know how the Orcs first came into being?
Uber-Orc- Dadda!
Saruman- Never mind *in a wicked witch of the west voice* Take your army to the creepy forest and bring me those halflings and the Ring. Do what you want with the others, but I want them alive and unharmed. They'll give you no trouble, I promise you that.
Uber-Orc- Dadda!
Lothlorien: The Next Day:
Celeborn- Take these boats and leave.
Galadriel- Here's some nifty cloaks and gifts.
*She give's Aragorn a knife*
Aragorn- I'd rather have my sward! *pout*
*She give's Legolas a "new" bow*
Legolas- It looks just like the one I already have......wait......HEY!
*She give's Sam a box of dirt*
Sam- Dirt?
Galadriel- It's......uh.... magic elven dirt!
*She gives Frodo a flashlight*
Galadriel- Batteries not included!
*She gives Merry and Pippin identical daggers*
Galadriel- You two are unimportant and don't get personal gifts!
*She give's Gilmi a lock of her hair*
Gimli- .......Uh, what am I supposed to do with your hair?
*She doesn't give Boromir anything*
Boromir- Don't I get a gold belt?
Galadriel- We decided that you probably wont be around long enough to enjoy anything we give you.
Celeborn- NOW GO! *They do*
River:
(Nothing of real importance happens)
Aragorn- We saw the Argonath!
(That's not important Aragorn)
Aragorn- I think it is!
(Well, I'm writing this, so shut up or I'll make you look like an idiot)
Aragorn- Curse you!
Frodo- Who are you talking to Aragorn?
Later:
*They stop on the shore*
Aragorn- We shall rest here tonight.
Legolas- I have a feeling!
Aragorn- Don't worry elf, I know what I'm doing!
Frodo- I'm going to go wonder off on my own into these strange probably dangerous woods. *He does*
Merry- Where's Frodo?
Everyone- ???
Sam- Boromir's gone too!
Aragorn- I just noticed, Boromir's gone too!
Sam- Stop doing that!
Meanwhile:
Frodo- I'm so depressed *sulk*
Boromir- Can I have the Ring?
Frodo- No!
Boromir- *Jumps on Frodo* Why? You've offered it to everyone else.
Frodo- *Puts Ring on and run's even farther into the probably dangerous forest*
Boromir- Oop's!
Frodo- That sucked!
Aragorn- Frodo?
Frodo- I have to go!
Aragorn- I would have gone with you.
Frodo- Sure you would've. Oh, look an army of Uber-Orcs! *Takes off running the other way*
Aragorn- What a jerk! Oh well, I'll take care of them all by myself.
*Dramatically pulls out sward (Wont be the last time)*
Aragorn- I think I'm sexy in slow motion with my shinny sward.
Uber-Orcs- DIE! *They fight*
Legolas- Uber-Orcs!
Uber-Orcs- DIE ELF! DIE DWARF!
Gimli- Nobody threatens a dwarf! *They fight*
Meanwhile:
*Sam is looking for Frodo, sees the battle and runs the other way*
*Frodo is still running away. He trips a few time's then finally stops by a tree across from Merry and Pippin's hiding spot*
Merry- Frodo, hide here!
Frodo- Gotta go!
Pippin- No you dont, get back here!
Uber-Orcs- DIE, SHIRE RATS!
Frodo- Have fun! *he runs off again*
Merry+Pippin- What a jerk! *They run*
Uber-Orcs- DIE!
Merry- Aren't you under order's not to harm us?
Boromir- I'll save you! *He doesn't. The Uber-Orcs capture Merry and Pippin*
A bit later:
Aragorn- *finding Boromir* What happened?
Boromir- What does it look like? I got shot, dumbass! They took the little ones.
Aragorn- Which ones?
Boromir- Why does my arm keep changing places?
Aragorn- You haven't failed!
Boromir- I didn't say I did!
Aragorn- You fought bravely, just not good enough!
Boromir- The world of men will fall, everyone's going to die and darkness will rule.
Aragorn- Yeah, probably!
*Boromir dies*
Aragorn- People think it's a tear running down my face, but it's just sweat from my hair.
Legolas- That's gross, man!
Aragorn- He said they took the little ones.
Gimli- Which ones?
Aragorn- He didn't say, useless git! *Kicks Boromirs body*
Legolas- I guess he really was the expendable guy after all.
Meanwhile:
*Frodo's on the shore crying and thinking about the only wise thing Gandalf ever said. He changes a few of the words to make it more personal*
Gandalf- So do all who live to see such time but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you. *Frodo jumps in boat*
Sam- Frodo, no!
Frodo- Go away, Sam!
Sam- I'm comin' with you.
Frodo- I don't want you to!
Sam- I made a promise Mr. Frodo, a promise: "Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee." And I don't mean to. I don't mean to.
Frodo- Oh, Sam..... Wait, I thought Gandalf said, "Don't you lose him Samwise Gamgee."
Sam- Well, I guess he said both. Besides I'll carry all the heavy stuff.
Frodo- Okay then, let's go! *They leave*
Later:
*Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli reach the shore carrying Boromir's body. They can see Frodo and Sam on the Eastern shore*
Legolas- Frodo and Sam have reached the Eastern shore!
Aragorn- I'm not going after them!
Legolas- You mean not to follow them!
Aragorn- That's what I just said.
Legolas- You know I have to either repeat other people or state the obvious, other wise I'm only here to look pretty and kill Orcs.
*They put Boromir's body in a boat and push it over a waterfall*
Legolas- Aragorn, did you steal Boromir's wrist-guard things?
Aragorn- Hey, it's not like he was going to use'em anytime soon.
Gimli- Yeah, but you didn't get us anything. That's just wrong, man!
Aragorn- I'm going to go save Merry and Pippin!
Legolas- Why?
Aragorn- It's keeps my character important to the plot.
Legolas- Good thinking!
Gimli- For real! *They run in general direction of the Uber-Orcs*
Emyn Muil
Frodo- I hope the others are safe.
Sam- Why wouldn't they be?
Frodo- I kinda let the Uber-Orcs have'em so I could get away.
Sam- Hee hee, they weren't important anyway!
THE END