I remember when.... I was in high school and used to feel that I needed to leave Wahpeton in order to find myself and, of course, that was acceptable to us. And the teachers and parents would say, why don't you want to stay in North Dakota? And I used to laugh because it sounded so absolutely absurd and insane, but now..... Now I see their point. I see that our state and our neighboring ones are a good group. It is crazy to imagine that I thought I was so adult at that time, so in tune with what the heck I wanted to do with myself. I knew nothing and have grown into knowing little more than that. Perhaps two more M&M's worth and I still have the whole bag to go (and I am talking about a pound bag here) before I become completely enlightened... and even then I won't ever know ALL. Sting, himself, said "The more I know, the more unsure I become". You are suppose to grow up and learn more about the world, but instead I become more and more amazed at how much I don't know. I am saddened by the people I have lost touch with and the lessons I never learned or paid much attention to. I am depressed at realizing that the people I love so deeply may never fully grasp all the unconditional love and wonder I hold inside of my being for them. I miss writing to express myself, my crazy always-thinking brain cells.

Trying to grasp just how much I have learned is impossible. Teachers are so valuable in our society and it scares me to know that I will be bunched in with the best and worst of them (and will be considered one or the other by my students). To create new processes, and allow new chunks of creativity to occur within me, delights me and gives me tremendous goosebumps. Can I do that? Will I be able to produce emotions about life, literature, and love inside my students to the point where they will become enlightened and say - WOW! Teachers have done that to me- made me feel so much I had to back away sometimes for fear of crying or "loosing it".... Life is so powerful... Living is such a great thing to be given by whomever decided that life should be. I am so thankful for what I have and ashamed of myself at the times when I become greedy about money or love- Wanting to have it all. When really- what is "having it all " anyway?

This summer will be the turning point for me in my life. I may have many more but this is my first big one, my little baby one was high school graduation..... I have pondered my purpose so much already that I am surprised I actually had this much to write on it- the leftovers of my pondering and wondering. I wonder and wish quite a bit.

I hope for the best in myself throughout these next months of waiting and hoping. I know that the High Power up there has something in store for me that will suit me and everything will be alright.