Commish Report

Week 14 - November 30, 2002

 

Payout amounts and recipients are posted on the website.  Congratulations and fuck off to Beaudin and Dave Jones.  You are responsible for collecting your own money.

 

WOW.  WOW, what a week.  WOW.   Is it just me or was that the worst finish in history.  What a shitbag way to end the 2002 campaign.  I heard that sometime on Saturday Scott Norwood called Bill Buckner, who was playing golf with Jean Van de Veld, and said "You guys aren't going to believe this."  If someone had told you that HampSter Balls would go 0-2 on doubles, you would have assumed Beaudin wins doubles, only having to go 1-1.  If they then told you that Beaudin went 0-2, you'd think maybe Mick wins, needing to go 2-0?  Well you'd be WRONG.  The three leading doubles pickers going into the final week were 0-6 in week 14.  "Well that's just doubles," you'd say.  "What about the other categories?"  Oh I'll tell you about the other categories.  If someone told you that Beaudin, with essentially a 1 game lead in both college and overall (that's $300 up for grabs), would go 1-5 in college, on top of his 0-2 in doubles, and 1-1 in pro, you'd say "Shut the fuck up. NO WAY.  NOO WAY."  Obviously Mick wins right?  How could he not muster a 2-4 in college and a 3-7 overall.  He's 31-9 over the last 4 weeks and only has one below .500 week all year, and that was a 3-7.  All he has to do is tie his worst week to date.  THAT'S ALL, MAN.  HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY BLOW IT?  Well, he did.  I don't know how, he just did.  Of course, there's the other side of this too.  If someone told you Mick would go 1-9 in the last week, you'd say "Well that just more money for Beaudin, right?"  Not so fast, sparky.  What's that you say?  Beaudin only won one college game?  For God's sake, man, he's 67% for the year on college.  His worst week this year was 4-6.  HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY BLOW IT?  Well, he tried.  He tried but he failed.  Watching this week's finish was like watching one of those turtle races at the state fair, where everybody puts their turtle down on the mat, somebody yells go, and five of the ten turtles start off backwards or to the side and four of them just sit there and won't come out of their shell.  But there's that one turtle that, for whatever reason, starts moving randomly in the direction of the finish line.  He may stop and take a nap along the way, but by God he's the only one that chose to move and at least move vaguely in the right direction.  Well that turtle was Beaudin this weekend.  Once again, bigguy.com gave him the edge he needed.  I would have loved to have seen his reaction as game after game went south.  Welcome to football Saturday, my friend,  Sweet T style.  Oh… and here's your check for $1,038, excluding side bets, sir.  Thanks for playing.

 

There were bright spots this weekend, however overshadowed they were by the Norwood and Buckner tripping over themselves at the finish line.  Halvorsen emerged from his painful season-long drought to share a win at 6-4 and claim $105.  That's $105 that pulled him just out of last place by just $8 (excluding side bets) an honor that goes to GFB, who lost $453 before losing another $60 on side bets.  Note that since Halvorsen lost $120 onside bets, his net/net result was below G, but side bets are just that, side bets, so G and his fucking ass-clownish boss claim the honor of 2002 ass-clown.  Another positive was the strong finish of Dave Jones, aka The Judge.  Not only did he share the week 14 win with Halvorsen at 6-4, but with the entire pool breathing down his neck in the pro category, he slammed down his gavel with the only undefeated pro week in week 14.  His pro win captured another $100, putting him at $422 for the year, the only money making member besides bigguybeaudin.com.

 

Other interesting finishes for the 2002 LYA include Hampster Balls' Even-Steven finish.  He won exactly zero in weekly payouts, won $100 for his doubles victory and paid a $100 entry fee.  That's zero no matter how you cut it.  WELL DONE, my plebian friend.  You've made a compelling case for full membership.  Let's just hope that the coin toss falls your way.  Next there's Mick, who with his gargantuan choke in the final week, finished 1.5 games and $1,143 behind Beaudin.  Look at it this way, you only finshed 10 games ahead of and $105 behind HamPster Balls.  Oh, the bittersweet mistress.  The good news is that he did hold onto a one game lead lifetime over Beaudin, at 55.5% including doubles.  Cherish the title and be proud because pride is all you've got considering the $1,705 lead Beaudin has in the stat that counts.  Then there's the FLY, Barfly, that is. He's the only member in the top six lifetime who is down money.  His usual picking finish this year of third place, three games back and $92 down, is par for the course given his third place lifetime standing and his $300 down lifetime.  That's seven games lifetime behind Beaudin, which translates into $2,137 of payout difference.  Ouch, man, bitterfuckingsweet.  And of course, there's the lifetime ass-clown, i.e. Sweet T, who is still in last place and $212 down to G and his FB, despite being 20 games ahead.  Halvorsen passed the original ass-clown, McGruder, (in the wrong direction) for second-to-last lifetime.  Note that if side bets were included, Halvorsen would be king ass-clown.

 

Well that brings the official 2002 LYA season to a close.  I saw a boozing Halvorsen's bad eye in week 1 and bad tooth in week 12.  I watched PINE develop into HamPster Balls and chase 10-0 in week 6 (we haven't forgotten).  I watched Hawaii fight off an organized crime fix with a third string QB against UTEP in the wee hours of the morning in week 4.  I watched Pops give up and decree "I need a new hobby" in week 7 while HamPster Balls was playing ass tiddly winks with the nurses in the X-ray ward.  And oh yeah… I FUCKING WENT 9-1 IN WEEK 13, BABY.  Bring on 2003, I'm ready.  Wait, what's that?  Did somebody say something about a bowl pool?  Oh God!

 

Seeyainayear!