TITLE: More Than Just Existing
AUTHOR: Jennie
CHARACTERS: Jay Pandolfo and Zach Parise of the New Jersey Devils, with appearances by Brian Gionta, Scott(y) Gomez, and John Madden, all of the Devils
SUMMARY: Jay feels worthless, and it takes a rookie and a car ride home for him to turn his thinking around.
RATING: G ļ
DISCLAIMER: As much as I wish I did, I do not own either of these boys. Or anything else mentioned in the fic.
A/N: Let me know what you think about it! Happy reading!
Jay never really knew where his place was.
On the team, he was the one that shadowed the big stars on the opposing team (when they played the Rangers, Jay shadowed Jagr as if it was his life¡¦s mission to). But when they played teams like Columbus, Chicago, etc., there was no use for Jay. He was just another guy on the PK, another guy on the line, another guy on the team. Jay looked around the locker room and noted that everyone seemed to have a purpose; Johnny was the practically-a-defenseman forward and the leader; Scotty was the end-to-end guy and the one everyone loved; Brian was just..Brian.
Even away from the rink, Jay was always just¡Kthere. He existed, and that seemed to be all. He did nothing special, and was nothing great. Sure, he played professional hockey and had two Stanley Cup rings. But he never really felt like he deserved them. He never felt like he contributed to those rings, because he never scored a game-winning goal to win the series, never threw a bone-crunching hit, never made a beautiful pass.
¡§You okay?¡¨ Jay felt a hand on his shoulder and noticed Zach looking up at him expectantly. Zach¡¦s voice was traced with worry, and Jay couldn¡¦t help but notice. Even though Zach was a rookie, having a father who excelled in the game at a professional level seemed to give him a head-up over other rookies. Zach was quick to notice a change in mood, and even quicker to adapt to a new line or a new play. Jay diverted his eyes from Zach and glanced around the locker room. He noticed it had emptied out, with the exception of the two of them.
¡§Don¡¦t worry about me. But why are you here still? You should be gone by now,¡¨ Jay replied, and began to gather his clothes to stuff in a duffel.
¡§Aside from you, I was the last one to get to my car, and when I went to start it, it wouldn¡¦t. Do you think I could get a ride with you? I think it¡¦s too late to call AAA, anyway.¡¨
Jay finished packing and stood up, noting the look on Zach¡¦s face. At this particular moment, Jay felt that Zach looked like the rookie he was. His hair was wet from the post-practice shower and spiked every which way, and his skin, flushed with the heat outside, outlined his post-pubescent acne more prominently. Looking at Zach, Jay felt a sense of purpose, which was a feeling he hadn¡¦t known in a long time.
He nodded and, picking up his duffel, motioned for Zach to follow. The pair walked in silence until they reached Jay¡¦s car. Both climbed into the vehicle and threw their duffels in the row of seats behind them. Jay turned the car on and drove to Zach¡¦s townhouse, his mind set on automatic. He lost count the number of times the veterans had driven to the house to pull another rookie prank on Zach, and because of this, knew the exact route.
¡§How are things with Julie?¡¨ Zach¡¦s voice, which had risen in volume to be heard over the rumble of the highway, cut through the silence in the car. With the mention of Julie, Jay mood quickly soured. He loved his wife, and had loved her as long as he could remember. But lately, their relationship had become strained. Whether it was the poor play of the team or Jay¡¦s new contemplative attitude, he didn¡¦t know. But, with Julie staying at her parents¡¦ house, Jay was given time to dwell on their relationship without her constant bickering.
Jay started, ¡§They¡¦re..¡¨ He was prepared to make Zach believe that Jay and Julie¡¦s seemingly perfect relationship was perfect. But Jay wanted to stop merely existing; he wanted to be of some value to someone¡¦s life. If he told his woes to Zach, maybe it would make Zach care for him more. Maybe that, in turn, would make Jay worth something to someone, and to, in turn, have a purpose.
¡§Things suck. We hadn¡¦t stopped arguing since the end of the playoffs, and she finally left last week to stay with her parents for a month or so, so we could straighten everything out individually. In the beginning, I thought we were fighting because it was newlywed quibbling or something like that. But when we fought every day for months, it just seemed like something more. I don¡¦t know what to do anymore. It¡¦s just too hard sometimes, having to deal with our relationship and then trying to get back into the groove, skating-wise.¡¨ Jay ended his soliloquy with a sigh and turned his head quickly to see if Zach was listening. The two locked eyes for just a moment before Jay returned his gaze to the highway stretched out in front of them.
¡§Well,¡¨ Zach said after a few minutes of silence, ¡§how do you feel? About everything, I mean.¡¨
¡§I feel like I can¡¦t do this anymore. Everything has just become too hard to deal with. I have to be perfect at every practice and every pre-camp just to make the team, and I have to be on my best behavior to win with Julie. I just..¡¨
Jay paused and took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. ¡§When I was younger, it was fine. She was more easygoing and I played better. But as I get older, I have to work harder to be as good as I once was, and I have to always be perfect to be on Julie¡¦s good side. I just wish that one thing was easier, and then I could focus more on that. Like, I wish I was a better player and then I could work on our relationship more.¡¨
Jay stole a glance at Zach, and caught the confused look Zach threw at him. ¡§Jay, you know you don¡¦t have to worry about your play, right? Lou loves you, and is so impressed with the way you played all last season. All the guys admire you, especially your work ethic, so much. I don¡¦t think you need to worry too much about that. And Julie? Once we start racking up the wins, everything will be fine.¡¨
As they moved on to the exit, Zach continued and said, ¡§Take time out to breathe, Jay, and just remember everything you are. You¡¦re worth more than you think you are. You mean so much to so many people, and I hope to be like that one day. You mean so much to me, Jay. I look up to you so much, and wish I could be half the man you are. So, stop thinking you¡¦re worthless, because no one could put a price tag on how valuable you are.¡¨
The car pulled into the parking lot in front of the row of townhouses, and came to a halt. Zach reached behind the seat and heaved the duffel over his shoulder and on to his lap. Jay finally lifted his eyes from the windshield, which had been frozen since Zach began speaking, and turned his entire body to face Zach. ¡§You don¡¦t seem like you¡¦re twenty-one.¡¨
Zach laughed and looked away, with a modest shrug of the shoulders. ¡§I practically grew up in the NHL. I have a lot of experience with this kind of stuff.¡¨
Jay touched Zach¡¦s shoulder before Zach reached for the door handle. ¡§How are things with you? You know, with..¡¨ Jay trailed off and, instead of providing a name, tilted his head to the side, as if to say that a name needn¡¦t be mentioned.
Zach answered with a grin that answered the question well enough. ¡§He loves me like nothing else,¡¨ Zach said. He jumped out of the car, duffel in tow, and threw a quick ¡§thank you¡¨ over his shoulder, before heading inside.
As Jay started up the car, he looked to where Zach was turning the key in the door to his townhouse, and watched as a taller figure opened the door and enveloped Zach in his arms. Jay recognized this figure as the source of the smile to which Zach gave him only moments before, and drove away with a small smirk on his face.
Driving to his own house, Jay reflected on their ride. Sure, Jay wasn¡¦t the best on the team, the leader, or the one everyone loved. But, and perhaps the most important thing of all, Jay meant something to a group of people who he respected. Jay was something of value to someone, to a whole group of people, and once he knew that, Jay realized he more than existed; Jay realized he belonged.
