Jason didn�t know why he hated him.

Jason was fair. Jason had met a lot of people, and had traveled the world. Jason was well educated, and belonged to numerous book clubs. Jason was a well-liked guy and liked people, as well. Jason had been around long enough to know that life is too short, and �every 60 seconds you spend upset is another minute of happiness you can�t get back.� Jason didn�t get jealous.

That was until Jason met him.

From what Jason knew of him, he was a 20 something year old. He was a top goalie in some Swedish league, and he was here to save the Rangers. He would come in and sweep the Rangers off of their stuck-in-quick sand-unable-to-get-into-the-playoffs feet. He would save the Rangers.

Jason knew he wasn�t brought in to save the Rangers. Jason was here to provide veteran defense for a struggling team. He was here to help the youngins, and to provide a solid backbone for the team. Jason wasn�t going to save the team; he was going to help rebuild it.

Jason told himself he wasn�t jealous of the 20 something year old. Jason knew he didn�t get jealous. Jason had never been jealous of anyone. Yet, every time he saw the 20 something year old, something snapped inside of Jason that made him want to throw dirty looks at the 20 something year old and ignore him completely. Jason wanted to act like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum when he got so much as a glimpse of the 20 something year old.

It was taking the bus to the Meadowlands that Jason finally suppressed the 5 year old inside of him. Jason had found a seat next to a window and pulled out Angels and Demons, a favorite book of his. He viewed this as the perfect way to relax before a game: reading a good book in a comfortable seat by himself. Halfway through the first page, Jason looked up and noticed that the 20 something year old was standing next to the seat beside Jason, looking at him almost expectantly. If he thought that Jason would oblige to his demands like the rest of the team, just because he was their goalie and he was �amazing,� that didn�t mean that Jason had to. He shrugged a little and moved to sit down, so Jason rolled his eyes, moved closer to the window, and returned to his book.

For some reason, the Illuminati didn�t seem to hold as much excitement as they did before he was interrupted, so Jason took to secretly spying on the 20 something year old, and was shocked to see him pull out Catcher in the Rye. Jason told his inner voice that he didn�t like the book as much as he claimed he did in book club meetings, and that the book was for high school students looking to find someone who thinks that their sexual escapades are alright. Yet, Jason remembered the feeling he got when he first read the book, and couldn�t help but sigh. He finally looked up from his book and blushed.

�This is supposed to help my English, but it�s not doing a good job.� Jason tried to choke the laugh that bubbled in his throat, and forced himself to remember that this was the 20 something year old who he spent most of his time loathing. �Well, that�s probably not the best book to be reading if you want to learn English." Jason reached into his bag and, before he could stop himself, gave the 20 something year old the copy of Grapes of Wrath that he�d treasured as a child. �If you�re serious about learning English, read this.�

For a moment, Jason saw what his teammates saw in the 20 something year old. Jason was in awe by his boyish looks, and the way he smiled, as if he wasn�t the 20 something year old who was pulling the team from quicksand with each save of his glove. Jason, for just a moment, felt as though he could be with this 20 something year old for the rest of his life.

Just for a moment.

Then, Jason remembered that he was a 20 something year old who had too much life to live, and too much to learn. Jason remembered that he hated him.

--

Henrik had taken a page out of Jason�s book.

Henrik loved to kiss Jason. He loved the feeling of Jason�s fingertip sliding smoothly down his spine. Henrik loved the feeling of Jason�s twirled around his finger. Yet, every time Henrik and Jason came close to having sex, Henrik pulled away. Try as he may, Henrik could not repress lost memories. When Jason would brush his throbbing penis against Henrik�s inner thigh, Henrik would see Jason�s face transform into that of his attacker�s, and no words of consultation could make Henrik see Jason�s face in those few moments before sex.

Henrik had created a routine: Henrik sees Jason�s penis, Henrik looks at Jason in horror, Henrik runs out of the room. Every time, Jason let Henrik leave, until the 5^th time. Henrik had run into the kitchen, and had slouched his body against the cabinets. The coolness of the wood, combined with that of the wood, ease the ache in Henrik�s head. Feeling the ache dissipate, Henrik opened his eyes only to see Jason kneeling in front of him with concern in his eyes.

For several seconds, they sat in the silence staring into each other�s eyes, until Jason rested his hand on Henrik�s knee. Henrik looked slowly from Jason�s hand, and then back to Jason. �I keep seeing his face.� All of the courage in Henrik�s body seemed to deflate with the confession. Henrik looked back to Jason�s hand, sure that it would leave his knee, but was relieved when he felt Jason squeeze his knee comfortingly.

�I know you�re not him. I love you like I never loved him. I try so hard to concentrate on you, but I still see his face, and I hate him for that. I hate him for ruining what we could have.� Jason moved beside Henrik and wrapped his arm around Jason�s back. Henrik let his head drop onto Jason shoulder. �Baby, just being with you strengthens what I feel for you. No one could come between that.� Henrik closed his eyes and buried his head into Jason�s warm skin. �He raped me, Jase.�

Henrik felt Jason take in a deep breath of air, but Jason�s anger somehow strengthened Henrik�s feelings toward him. �I was so young,� Henrik whispered. Jason stroked his face, sending shocks through Henrik�s body that seemed to energize him. �He ended my childhood. For years, I couldn�t even look at another guy, I was so busy thinking about what he did to me. He�s the reason why I left Sweden. I mean, I guess I would�ve come over anyways. But I could�ve benefited from a few more years playing in Europe before coming over here. I wanted to stay in Europe. He influenced so many of my decisions before I came here, and when I finally did come to New York, it was like my whole world was turned upside down. He couldn�t control me, he couldn�t make my decisions, he couldn�t live inside of me for the past 5 years.

�Coming to New York was like my rebirth; I could be anyone, I could do anything. I could even love you, and loving you has been the greatest thing that�s ever happened to me. I never want you to forget that. You saved me. I thought that being in love with you would end his power over me, but it didn�t. I don�t think about him all that much, but when I do, it�s always before sex. I hate letting you down like that. I just want this to all be over. For once, I want to win and know I did something amazing, something to empower myself. I want to beat the cycle, beat it for anyone this has ever happened to. I want this to end.�

Speaking his feelings for the first time, letting everything that had been bottled up inside of him for so many years, Henrik felt free. He felt, for the first time, that he could be his own person. Coming to New York gave him to ability to, but exposing his soul to someone, to a man he loved, no less, allowed Henrik to live that life. Exposing his soul allowed Henrik to be someone he�d always wanted to be.

----

As with every relationship, Henrik and Jason�s had complications.

Before Jason was signed by the Rangers, he had been madly in love. They were so in love, they were sitting in the car driving the 5 and a half hours to Windsor to get married when Jason received the call.

�Baby, that was Dave.� Jason�s hand was shaking, and he couldn�t move his eyes away from his cell phone. �What did he want?� Silence. Mark stole a glance at Jason and didn�t have to repeat the question. Without question, he pulled the car over to the side of the road. Mark concentrated on the steering wheel and blinked tears back into his eyes. �Where?� His voice was barely a whisper, and he was unsure of whether Jason heard him over the rumble of the passing cars beside them.

�New York. My plane leaves tomorrow.� �Tomorrow? Why do you need to leave tomorrow? We still have two weeks until training camp starts. New York isn�t that far. It�s only an hour plane ride or so. We can just hop a plane to see each other and we�ll still be able to be together. We can-�

Jason placed his trembling hand on Mark�s, still firmly gripping the wheel. He gently stroked Mark�s knuckles, and let his finger linger on the hair that grazed them. Jason�s heart broke with every glance he took of Mark�s face. �I�ve never loved anyone more in my entire life. You know that. But I�ll need time to get acquainted with the team. You never know how they�ll react..� For the first time in minutes, Mark moved his eyes away and looked hard at Jason. �We could make it work. We love each other.� Jason lifted his hand to touch Mark�s cheek, and let his fingers slide down the stubble. �Sometimes, love isn�t strong enough.�

Since boarding the plane to New York, Jason hadn�t seen Mark, nor had he heard from him. Sometimes, Jason wished he had the courage to pick up the phone and call Mark, but each time he went to dial the numbers, his brain told him that it was wrong to give Mark a false sense of security. Sure, he loved Mark. But Jason had Henrik now, and he loved Henrik. Jason had a new life in New York, one that he loved. Jason couldn�t call Mark, because Jason was scared of what hearing Mark�s voice would do to him, would make him feel. So instead, Jason walked past the phone and kept his thoughts about Mark to himself.

Unfortunately, Jason couldn�t keep his past in Chicago a secret for that long.

Jason and Henrik had been in sitting on the wooden bench in the locker room listening to the coach talking about the team�s upcoming game when Jason felt his heart skip a beat. �Everyone better be here at 10 so we can make the flight. Midway�s a bitch in the winter.� Jason immediately turned to Henrik. �Midway?� Henrik playfully punched Jason in the arm as the coach left the room, creating a mad rush to the door by players with thoughts other than hockey on their minds. �Did you forget we were playing your former team? It�s like a homecoming of sorts for you. Excited?�

Jason hadn�t exactly forgotten about the game in Chicago; he just pushed it out of his mind. Jason had enough to deal with like playing good defense, his relationship with Henrik, gelling with his teammates, that he didn�t need the added pressure of going to Chicago to worry him. And in the mess that had become his life, Jason had forgotten to tell Henrik about Mark. There was never a right time, never a good place to do it. He knew a lengthy conversation would follow, and wasn�t ready for that.

24 hours later, Jason was looking at the forests of New York State plotting his next move. Jason acted normal whenever Henrik asked him if he was excited; �Yes. I can�t wait. I miss my teammates.� The answers to these questions shouldn�t have been, �Well, since you asked, I�m more excited to see the man I was supposed to marry but didn�t because I was signed by New York while we were on our way to Windsor City Hall.�

Finally, about half way through the flight, Jason managed to get the conversation about Mark rolling. �Henrik, there�s something I have to tell you.� Henrik turned his body to face Jason and took his hand in concern. �What�s wrong, baby?� Jason stifled a nevous laugh. �Oh, nothing�s wrong. It�s just...in Chicago, I had a boyfriend.� Henrik nodded his head, urging Jason to go on. �We were really close�we were so in love. When I got the call that I was signed by New York, we were on the way to get married. After I came here, our relationship dissipated, and we haven�t talked since I left.� Henrik stayed silent, and Jason was having trouble reading him. �Okay. Are you still in love with her?�

Jason blinked, and realized how little Henrik knew about Jason. Henrik didn�t know that Jason knew he was gay from the moment he saw Super Mario smile, he didn�t know that Jason�s first kiss was his sister�s ex-boyfriend, he didn�t know about Mark. Henrik didn�t know, but Jason didn�t want him to know. Not yet, not now. �Him. His name is Mark. We were teammates. And��

Jason looked deeply in Henrik�s eyes. �I haven�t called him since I left Chicago, I�ve been so scared of hearing his voice. I love you, but what I had with him�what I had with him is something that needs time to die out.� Henrik looked as Jason for a few moments, then glanced at his hands and nodded. �I understand. It hasn�t been that long. You need time to let it die out. I don�t mind giving that to you.�

-

Jason got to the rink early, trying to avoid fans. He was in no mood to sign autographs, and in no mood to be friendly. Thinking about possible variations of a confrontation with Mark kept him awake all night, and his lack of sleep did nothing for his already irritable mood. Stepping on to the ice, Jason tried concentrating on the sound of his blade scratching against the surface more than Mark. �Jason.�

Jason stopped in his tracks, and turned around. If Jason was 102 years old, he�d still remember that voice, the way the feelings reverberated in his name. Jason stayed frozen, unable to remember any of the possible confrontations he had invented the previous night. Mark skated slowly to where Jason stood, and the pair looked into each other�s eyes for several moments. �Your eyes look different.� Mark looked down self consciously and chuckled.

�You look different, too. You still haven�t cut your hair, though.� Jason closed his eyes as Mark reached a hand to Jason�s hair and ran his fingers through the brown waves. �I kept it long for you,� Jason mumbled under his breath. �Your hair is long, too.� Jason refused to run his fingers through Mark�s hair, for fear that more feelings would return. Instead, Mark lifted Jason�s hand and combed it through his wet locks.

�What�s his name?� Jason finally opened his eyes and looked at Mark. Jason could tell Mark knew; Jason knew the truth would come out sooner or later. He always told Henrik he loved him, and always felt it was true. Yet, every time Jason said it, he said it because he felt the time was right. Jason said, �I love you� after Henrik said it, and only then. When they were cuddling in bed, or kissing, Jason never thought the words in his head. Jason never felt his knees go weak, never wanted to propose to Henrik. Even though he was with Henrik, Jason never wanted to be with anymore more than when he was standing in front of Mark.

�I don�t love him.� Jason�s voice quivered slightly, but his words were filled with passion. �Then why are you with him?� A sigh escaped Jason�s lips. �I�m with him because I missed you, loved you, needed someone to replace you.� �What will you do when you leave Chicago? You�ll need someone to replace me.� Jason took Mark�s hand in his own and squeezed it forcefully. �No one could ever replace you.�

The air filled with emotion, and Jason felt that the heat that radiated from his skin was hot enough to melt the ice. Jason suddenly became concerned with Henrik�s feelings, and Mark took notice. �No one could ever replace what we had, but you can create something new. You don�t have to replace what we had.� Jason looked at his skates and saw a tear fall on to it before he noticed it running down his cheek.

�Jason, what we had was the most amazing thing I�ve ever been a part of. I don�t think..no. I know I�ve never felt anything more for anyone than when we were together. But it was the right time for it to end. We both needed the change. I think�As much as we loved each other, the Rangers signing you happened for a reason. Maybe one day, we�ll be reunited. Maybe I�ll be signed by the Islanders or something. Maybe you�ll come back to Chicago. God only knows. But for now, we just have to accept what happened and�move on.�

Jason stole a glance at Mark and noticed streaks of red lining his face. �I miss you.� Jason let the words slip from his mouth and watched Mark blink hard, as if forcing the tears back into his eyes. The words were barely audible, but Jason didn�t need stellar hearing to know how Mark responded.

�Our time will come.�