Stories by Jennie..Bringing You Hockey Slash since March 23rd, 2006!

�Yes, you do. You�re always smiling. Your interview with Doc and Chico last night was you smiling the entire time. It�s frightening.�

Zach had been mocking Travis for as long as they knew each other about his naturally optimistic personality. It wasn�t that Zach was pessimistic; he was a realist. He knew that sometimes, good things didn�t always happen to good people, and he knew that sometimes, no matter how hard you tried, you might not always get what you strived for. Even in his rookie season just one year ago, Zach never possessed the giddy personality that seemed to be embedded in everything Travis did. But still, he always took Zach�s teasing to heart, and would invariably think of a come back.

�Telling me not to smile would be like me telling you not to get so excited when you score a goal. You look like a monkey humping the boards when you score.�

�Well, still. I can�t help but smile. I like being here. I�m happy, and when I�m happy, I smile.�

Travis followed closely behind Zach as they exited the American Airlines Center. Goosebumps didn�t form on their arms as they would have in East Rutherford. Instead of donning wool coats, they swung their suit jackets over their shoulders and let the cool breeze rustle their wet hair, which was slowly drying with the warm air. The sound of their dress shoes hitting the pavement echoed across the clearing in front of the arena.

At one point, Travis stopped underneath one of the trees that lined the road leading to the arena�s entrance and looked through the branches at the full moon. Zach, after noticing that Travis had stopped, turned around and walked to where he stood. He stayed silent for a while, just looking, gazing at Travis.

After a UND game sometime a few years ago, Zach had gone down to the Fighting Sioux�s locker room, hoping to throw a few words of congratulations his older brother Jordan�s way. He had walked through these halls many times before, only this time, he was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt instead of full uniform. He walked through the doorway and immediately bumped into someone exiting the room. Zach stood up and prepared to battle with his assailant, but was instead met with a large smile and an outstretched hand.

�You�re Jordan�s brother! He talks about you all the time. Everyone does here. You�re pretty much a legend.� Zach tried his hardest to be annoyed by him, but found himself returning the person�s contagious smile.

�Yeah. I don�t know if I�d say I was a legend, but..� Zach shrugged and noticed something resembling a giggle escaping his lips. At that moment, Zach saw Jordan walking over and noticed how he was looking from Zach to Travis slowly.

�So, I see you two have already met.� Jordan had somewhat of a smirk on his lips. �Zach, this is Travis. Travis, this is my baby brother Zach.�

�I know who this is!� Travis shrieked in Zach�s ear. �He�s practically my idol. You know, we could be playing together next year.� Travis nudged Zach with his elbow and winked.

�Yeah, okay. We have to go now, though. My rich brother is treating me to a steak.�

Taking that as his cue, Zach nodded to Travis and said, �Nice meeting you.� Zach turned and walked away before he could give Travis a chance to respond and left Jordan running to catch up with him.

�I think you like him!� Jordan smiled at Zach and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

�It�s not like I�m ever going to see him again. He�ll probably be drafted my Phoenix or somewhere far away and we�ll never play him.�

But Zach was wrong. A few months later, the New Jersey Devils selected Travis as the 20^th pick in the draft, and the feelings Zach had tried to suppress for all those months came bubbling up to the surface.

�Zach, you okay?� Zach was thrown out of his thoughts by the sound of Travis�s voice and began to walk away.

�Come on,� Zach said to Travis behind his shoulder. �We can�t stand there all night.�

Travis caught up to Zach and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his dress pants. The smell of Travis's cologne filled the air surrounding Zach, so Zach began walking further ahead to lose the scent.
"What'd you think of the goal?" Travis's voice held an expectant tone, and Zach knew Travis was waiting for his approval. Zach contemplated on criticizing Travis, contemplated letting him know all of his mistakes.
"It was awesome. It was a crazy first goal to have."
Zach glanced behind him and noticed a grin on Travis's face. He hated that Travis's smile was contagious, hated that Travis's mood depended on what other people thought of him and, most of all, hated that those feelings he'd tried to suppress all those years ago never quite went away.

They walked in silence for a moment, continuing down the walk that led away from the arena. Zach concentrated on the sounds of the city instead of concentrating on the sound of Travis's breathing. He heard him take a deep breath in, then listened as his words penetrated the warm air.
"Why'd you ask me to walk with you if you don't want to walk next to me?"
"I didn't ask you to come."
"Yes, you did. You said, 'I'm bored. Walk with me.''
"That's not asking. That's telling you you're coming, no matter what. You didn't have a choice."
"But still," Travis stopped walking and Zach could feel his gaze searing through him, "I came with you anyway. I would've thought you would have at least made small talk or something. This is ridiculous."
Zach turned around and noticed, for the first time, that a smile wasn't playing on Travis's lips. Instead, his arms were crossed in front of him and his eyebrows were furrowed. He had never seen Travis upset as long as he could remember, and to see him upset now hurt Zach more than anything. Suddenly, Travis jumped and said quietly, "I'm vibrating." He reached into his pants pocket, pulled out his cell phone, and quickly glanced at the caller ID. He smiled slightly, despite his most recent mood, and flipped open the phone. "Hey, baby." Zach watched as Travis wandered away from him, slowly loosening up and giggling playfully into the phone. Travis glanced over to Zach and, after mumbling something into the phone, walked back over to Zach. "Sorry about that."
"It was Jordan?"
"Yeah. He was just calling to congratulate me on the goal. He told me to tell you to call your mom, because she's worried about you."
Zach began walking towards the small oak closest to him and sat on the ground beneath him. He looked up at Travis standing above him, and asked, "You guys still in love?"
--
Zach had known from the moment he saw Travis and Jordan together that they were in love. The way they looked so comfortable around each other, the way they looked at each other, the way they giggled like 15-year olds, it was blatantly obvious to Zach.

�Well, that�s the only time. And even then, you only smile for a minute and then you�re back to being frowny.�

Zach couldn�t think of another comeback so he just continued walking, and hoping that Travis wouldn�t fill the silence with personal questions. Despite the fact that they�d known each other for a few years, Zach knew very little about Travis and vice versa. It wasn�t that Zach didn�t want Travis to know about himself; God knew how much he wanted to know about Travis. He just didn�t feel like the things he�d end up telling Travis would be something he wanted Travis to know. He didn�t want Travis to know that he loved the way he talked out of one side of his mouth, how his hair looked like a kindergartener cut it, how he looked when he tried to pout�

Travis hiked up his pants and sat on the pavement beside Zach. Zach could feel Travis looking at him, but he decided to keep his eyes glued to the pavement instead of returning Travis�s gaze.

But at that moment, Zach remembered his perfect excuse, saying �I�m fine� to end a conversation, wasn�t so perfect. In a fit of honesty, Zach had told Travis that whenever he said he was fine, he really wasn�t. To Zach, fine meant something was wrong, something big was bothering him. And Zach just remembered that Travis knew that.

�You told me one time that when you said you were fine, there was something wrong. So, what�s wrong?�

Travis sighed, and the pair watched as a truck rumbled on the asphalt in front of them. �You�re lying.�

Zach let his frustration from the entire day take over and stood up with a start. �Do I have to tell you everything? You may be fucking my brother, but you�re not my mom.�

Zach crossed his arms and stalked off away from Travis. He advanced only a couple steps before he heard Travis chasing after him.

�Zach.� Travis�s voice was raised and laced with obvious hurt. He tugged on the back of Zach�s button down shirt and succeeded in pulling Zach back a few paces, so that they were beside one another. �Zach, I�m trying to learn more about you, but you�re closing yourself off. We�re going to be playing with each other for the next year. It�d be nice if you were at least cordial to me.�

Zach reached behind him and removed Travis�s hand from the back of his shirt, leaving his hand on Travis�s for just a little too long. But a moment later, he realized his mistake and let go. �I am cordial with you. It�s not like I�m being a total asshole to you. I could be a lot worse.�

�Well, why don�t you want me to get to know you?� Travis�s voice had lowered in volume; it was so low, Zach had to struggle to hear him over the sound of city traffic.

�Because.� Try as he might, Zach couldn�t shake the feeling that, if he let Travis in his life, even just a little, it would be okay. He tried to silence the voice in his head that told him it didn�t matter if Travis was in love with his brother; he could care about Travis and just keep it to himself. Then he remembered that letting Travis into his life would mean showing he cared about him, and Zach wasn�t sure he could do that without telling Travis how he really felt.

So, instead of telling Travis about himself, Zach plopped down on the asphalt and crossed his legs. Travis copied his movements and laid a hand on Zach�s knee. Even through the material of his pants, Zach could feel how calloused Travis�s hand was. He could also feel a tingling sensation traveling down the length of his spine and eventually ending in his penis.

�Zach, I�m really trying here. Please, just let me in.� Zach noticed, once again, how soft his voice had become, and tried hard not to catch Travis�s contagious emotion.

�I can�t,� Zach mumbled under his breath, just loud enough for Travis to hear. He stood up and watched as Travis�s hand fell off of his leg, then ran back towards the arena, leaving Travis to sit alone on the asphalt.

It was three in the morning and Zach had awoken to the shrill ring of his cell phone. He didn�t bother to look at the caller ID and didn�t need to; living with his brother for all those years had left him with the innate ability to recognize his brother�s voice anywhere. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands and attempted a reply.

�To Travis, you dumb ass. I turn my phone on this morning and there�s a message from him practically crying, saying how much you hate him. What did you do to him?!�

�I didn�t do anything to him. I wanted to go for a walk because it was a really nice night and he came with me, and he got mad at me because I don�t open up to him, so I may have walked away..�

�You walked away and left him all alone in Dallas! The furthest south he�s been is like�Washington! Are you fucking stupid?�

�We were right in front of the arena! It�s not like we were in downtown Dallas!�

�Even so, you left him alone. He had no clue how to get back in to the arena.�

�Oh my god. I can�t believe we�re even having this conversation at three in the morning. I�m going back to sleep and, when I wake up, I�ll call you and we�ll talk about this.�

Zach heard movement in the bed beside him and walked quietly in the hall. Once he closed the door to his room, he heard Jordan ask him, �do you still like him?�

Zach felt his heart skip a beat and wiped the beads of sweat forming from his brow. �Jordan, he�s your boyfriend!�

�That�s not what I asked. Do you still�oh shit, I�ve got to go. My roommate�s going to beat me up. We�ll talk about this later.� With that, Zach heard a click and realized Jordan had hung up.

For a while, he stood outside the door to his room; partly because the carpet in the hall felt nicer on his toes than the one in their room, and partly because he had left his key in the room and didn�t want to wake Erik. He played with the settings on his phone for a while, changing the banner to �Zachy Wacky� and the colour scheme to �Sea Green.� Around 3:30, he heard the door next to his open and saw Paul sauntering out. He spoke softly into the phone for a few minutes then, noticing Zach, hung up and smiled at him. �What are you doing out here?�

�He�s..� Paul shrugged and sat on the floor outside of his room�s door. �It was weird. When he came home, he couldn�t see anything. It was like he was blind. The morning after it happened, I woke up, walked into the kitchen, and found him trying to make an omelet. He was reaching into fridge and feeling the shape of everything to find the right ingredients. At one point, he took out the cream thinking it was milk and, just as he was going to put it in, he held it up close to his face and saw it was cream. The whole experience was just really scary for me. But now it�s just blurry, so we know he�ll be alright.�

Zach sighed and realized he had a sudden longing for what Paul and Dave had. They�d been roommates, partners, and housemates since their rookie season, and had been madly in love for all of that. They�d been through everything imaginable together, and a picture of Travis suddenly crossed through his mind. Zach could picture himself doing everything with Travis: tending for him when he was injured, cooking him meals, cuddling with him in front of the TV.

�It�s nice to have that, you know? It�s nice to know someone will always be there.� Paul spoke more to himself than to Zach, but looked over and gave a small smile to him. �I�ll see you in the morning.� With that, Zach stood up and watched as Paul retreated back in to his room, then stood up.

He tapped his finger lightly against the door, careful not to wake his teammates scattered in the rooms throughout the hall. Seconds later, Erik�s face, puffy with sleep, appeared in the smidge of space allowed by the chain lock in between the door and its frame. �I was wondering how long you were going to take.� Erik undid the lock and opened the door, allowing room for Zach to slide in. Zach threw the phone on top of his duffel and turned his head in Erik�s direction when he heard him yawn.

�You seem really..depressed.� Erik sat down on his bed and ran a hand through his mussed blonde hair.

�I�m..� Zach contemplated saying he was fine, but suddenly became sick of putting on the charade. He flopped down onto the bed beside Erik and let his body fall back with the weight of the burden he�d been carrying on his conscious. �I�m in love with my brother�s boyfriend.�

There was silence between them for a few moments before Erik said, �I thought you were going to say you had a bad game, or a bad training camp or something. That�s pretty deep.�

�I know. And I�ve known it for a while, but I�ve been trying to forget about him and now I see him a lot and I can�t forget about him and I don�t know what I�m going to do and I want so bad to tell him about myself but I�m afraid if I do that then he�ll find out I love him and hate me and tell Jordan and if he tells Jordan then our relationship will be ruined even though Jordan HAS to know because, well, I don�t know how he couldn�t and..�

Erik slapped a hand over Zach�s mouth and said, with a tone of annoyance, �Shut up. Now, can I take my hand off or are you going to keep going?�

�Okay, good.� Erik gently removed his hand and rubbed his eyes. �Now, what would make you happy?�

�Then do whatever it takes to be with him, even if he IS your brother�s boyfriend. Do what makes you happy.�

Zach threw Erik an incredulous look, and said, �But that�s just it! He�s my brother�s boyfriend! How would Jordan feel if I just stole his boyfriend?�

�Well, why would he care so much about everything you say if he didn�t care about you? And didn�t Jordan ask you if you liked him once?�

�You�re a talkative drunk, but that�s beside the point. Just do what makes you happy, because in the end, you only have yourself. And right now, sleeping would make me happy. So, get off my bed and let me sleep.�

The next morning, Zach awoke with a new sense of hope. He let Erik�s words play over and over in his head and resolved that the only thing that would make him happy would be to lie in Travis�s arms.

The team arrived at the hotel in Toronto around noon and most of the team went to their respective rooms, unpacking for their stay in the Canadian city. Zach had been lying in his bed flipping through channels, and trying to will the jet lag from his body, when his cell phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, he contemplated ignoring the call, but realized he could only hide for so long, and picked up the phone on the third ring. �Hey, Travis.�

�Hey.� Zach couldn�t help but notice the tone in Travis�s voice. His naturally calm and soft-spoken manner had been replaced by a brash and impatient tone. �I�m coming to your room. Erik told me the number.� The phone call ended with an abrupt click and Zach looked at his phone in disbelief. He had never heard Travis sound so shaken up, and he began to prepare for the worst. He thought of all the ways he could explain to Travis what happened the previous night and why he never opened up to Travis, but anything he thought to say didn�t sound right. Instead, he opened the door and allowed a huffy Travis in without the slightest idea of what he was going to say.

Travis walked to the floor length window and stood in front of it, gazing at the Toronto cityscape. Without turning to face Zach, he said, �I�m sick and tired of always being nice to you, trying to get you to open up to me. I�ve done everything I can, you know what? At this point, I really don�t want to know anything about you. Hell, if I didn�t know you before, I don�t think I�d even want to talk to you.� Travis turned around and Zach could see Travis�s fa�ade he�d put up, this mask that portrayed him as another heartless, cocky hockey player, was slowly fading away. �I tried my hardest and I just don�t think I can do it anymore.�

Travis�s eyes met Zach�s for a moment and Zach immediately felt a pang of remorse. He wanted nothing more than to be close to Travis. He wanted to be the one Travis would run to when someone hurt him; he didn�t want to be the one who made Travis weak. Hadn�t he always wanted to open up to Travis? Hadn�t the thought of letting Travis into his life brightened Zach�s mood, even just a little?

Zach snapped out of his thoughts just in time to see Travis�s hand on the metal door knob and said, before Travis could leave the room, �If I miss an episode of 24, my game is off for weeks.� Travis froze in his spot and Zach could tell he had commanded his attention. �I always thought I was gay, but I knew for sure in high school, when one of the guys I used to caddy for caught me checking out his ass.� Zach heard Travis snort slightly and watched as his hand slowly released its hold on the door knob. �One time, when we played the Penguins, I had a threesome with Crosby and Armstrong�on the ice in Mellon Arena after the game.� Travis giggled, turned around and sat down on Zach�s bed. He kept his eyes down and refused to look at Zach, but Zach figured this was a start.

Twenty minutes later, Zach and Travis were sitting beside each other on the carpet in front of the window. The cold Canadian air penetrated the window and sent shivers up Zach�s arms, forming goose bumps. Neither of them had spoken much in the past few minutes, but Zach didn�t feel like the silence was uncomfortable. It felt as if both of them were exhausted with this sudden emotional release. Travis suddenly laid a hand on Zach�s knee, and said softly, �Can we try and be friends now?�

Zach looked at Travis�s hand on his knee, then looked back at Travis. He remembered something his mother had said when he and Jordan, at age twelve, had beaten each other up over a boy in the neighborhood they both had a crush on. She sat them at opposite ends of the kitchen table and promised them to always value their relationship over everything else. Zach was positive that his outward coldness towards Travis was straining his and Jordan�s relationship. As great as he felt when Travis even threw a glance his way, Zach needed to remember his priorities. He forced a smile and said, �Sure, we can try.�

Despite the win, the game in Toronto showed some obvious flaws in the Devils� defense. Most of the team had worked themselves up to the point of exhaustion. About thirty minutes in to the flight, most of the plane�s passengers were sound asleep. Even though the plane was deathly still, the persistent hum of the propellers and the low rumble of Patty�s snoring was keeping Zach awake. �Zach,� Travis said in a soft voice beside him. He still hadn�t figured out how he�d ended up sitting beside him. Zach felt he had a lot of friends on the team, but most of them had known each other for much longer, leaving Zach�s only option of the seat beside Travis. Travis carefully laid his laptop on tray in front of him and typed, �Play truth or dare with me.� Zach responded by rolling his eyes, but typed, �Okay,� because he had nothing better to do. Travis began to chuckle and typed furiously.

�I dare you to pour my cup of ice on Colin�s crotch.� Travis pointed to the row behind them, where Colin�s head lay resting on the window, his mouth wide open and eyelids fluttering. As quietly as he could, Zach unbuckled his seat belt and grabbed the cup of ice, then slid his arm between their seat and silently poured the ice. Colin didn�t make a sound, and Zach breathed a sigh of relief.

He reached over Travis and typed, �I dare you to stand up and give a loud, �Woo!� then sit right back down and act like nothing happened.� Travis shot Zach incredulous look, but slid the computer onto Zach�s lap and unbuckled his seat belt. He took a deep breath, stood up quickly and shrieked, then plopped back into his seat. Zach slapped his hand over his own mouth, trying desperately to stifle his laughter, as twenty five annoyed men groaned in agony.

After a few seconds, Travis put the laptop back on his tray and typed, �Truth: Worst date you�ve ever been on.� Zach suddenly gave up his policy of being closed off towards Travis and began typing.

�I went out with this guy, Mike, for a while, almost a year. He was perfect: hot, smart, athletic, popular�He was everything I wasn�t, and I thanked God every day that he chose me over every other guy on campus. On our one year anniversary, he took me to New York City and we stayed in the Ritz. We had just finished having sex one night and I rolled over to kiss him, and he punched me in the eye. He just kept beating me, because he had the upper hand, until I passed out. When I woke up, he was gone and I found out the next day that he�d transferred to Alaska Pacific University to �start over,� as he�d put it. When I got back to school, Jordan saw me and took me straight to the hospital, and it turned out he�d given me a broken nose and two broken ribs. I trusted him with everything and he did that to me.�

Zach looked at Travis and watched as Travis reached out and wiped a tear from Zach�s cheek. Travis leaned over to Zach and whispered, �You�re braver than I ever could be.� Travis pulled away and the two looked at each other for a moment, before a sudden jolt shook the plane and it was announced that they had landed in their final destination.

After the game in Philly, Zach meandered through his routine in the locker room, feeling too lackadaisical to move any quicker. As he was towel drying his hair in the shower stall, he heard two people enter the room. He went to open the door out of the shower but retreated to the corner when he recognized Travis and Dave�s voices.

�I mean, it�s just so hard on us. I feel so fucked up half the time, and I know it�s ruining our relationship,� Dave was saying. Zach could only assume they were discussing Dave and Paul�s relationship. �But on a lighter note, how are things with you and Zach? You guys seem to be getting along better.� Zach�s heart skipped a beat and he waited anxiously for Travis�s reply. �I guess we are. He seems to be not as indifferent as he used to be. He�s just so�� Travis paused and Zach noticed the towel around his waist slipping. Using his left hand to cover his privates (he may have been alone, but a man still had to keep his dignity), he shimmied the towel further up on his waist. �He runs hot and cold. Some days will be wonderful and others, he�ll think I�m Tie Domi, or someone else hated like that. It�s just, sometimes, he�ll do something so amazing that he makes me believe I�m falling for him. But then, it�s like he remembers Jordan and starts acting like an ass all over again.� Travis sighed, and Zach heard the sound of water running.

�Would you ever break up with Jordan for Zach?� Zach heard Dave ask over the sound of the rushing water.

�I don�t know. I�d be lying if I said I�d never thought about it. I mean, Jordan was always second best to Zach. When Zach and I first met, I�d wanted him more than I�d ever wanted Jordan. But Jordan�s always been there. He�s like a rock, whereas Zach�s like a�I don�t know, something inconsistent.�

�Believe it or not, I know where you�re coming from. I can�t tell you what to do, but don�t choose one of them because either is the right choice, or because it�s what everyone expects of you. And know you can always talk to me. Okay?�

�Yeah. Thank-� Zach tried taking a step closer to the door, knowing their conversation was coming to an end, when the floor settled beneath his bare feet. The creak echoed through the room and Travis immediately cut his sentence short. �Hey,� Travis said, �Did you hear that?�

�Hear what?�

Zach heard the door open and breathed a sigh of relief as it softly fell into place. He stepped out of the stall and finished drying his hair, letting Travis�s words play back in his head. It all went back to how much Zach�s actions affected his and Travis�s relationship. If he wanted it, him, as badly as he felt he did, why was he doing his best to destroy what little bonds they had? He wrapped the towel around his waist and took a step towards the exit, but stopped dead in his tracks when Travis appeared in the doorway, not looking the least surprised to see Zach.

�You know why I said what I did?� Travis asked, taking a step closer to a stunned Zach. �Because I knew that was the only way I could say what I needed to you.� He advanced another step. �I knew you�d never believe that if I told you, and I thought the guilt would eat me up if I had to do that face to face.� Another step. �I bet you never knew that I�ve had more orgasms thinking about you than I�ve had with Jordan.� Another step. �Or that when I get into bed at night, I�d rather be lying in your arms than his.� At this point, Travis was half of a foot away from Zach. Though he was a good three inches taller than Zach, Travis easily leaned into Zach�s ear and whispered, �Or that I�ve only ever wanted to be with you, but you�re too scared to hurt your brother that you�d never take the initiative.� With that, Travis turned on his heels and left the shower room, leaving a shattered Zach, with the towel, and fa�ade, he�d worked so hard at keeping up lying around his ankles.

Zach left the arena that night in a hurry. He tried his best to avoid anything that could potentially remind him of Travis. He drove past the McDonald�s Zach brought them to when he first picked Travis up at the airport with his eyes glued to the road. He kept his cell phone turned off the entire way home. He listened to the radio instead of the mix Travis had made for him as a thank you for taking care of him during training camp. Instead of letting his mind swell with the words Travis had spoken only a few hours ago, Zach cracked open his window and let the cool autumn air distract him. Finally, he pulled into the apartment complex he was living in and turned the car off, he grabbed his things out of the trunk and took the steps to the front door two at a time, just wishing to be somewhere that held some semblance of stability. He turned the key in the lock and swung the door open, only to be greeted by the loud beep of the answering machine. �Zach, I�� Zach immediately dropped his bags and cursed himself for rushing to the apartment and putting himself through the torture of hearing Travis�s voice. �I�m not going to say I was wrong for what I did, because I wasn�t. We need to talk about this like two grown men, but knowing you, you�re completely avoiding anything that even remotely reminds you of me. In any case, if I�m completely wrong about you, you�d call me back so we can talk about what happened. I left Jordan completely out of this, so this is only between you and me. Just�call.�

Once last year, after Zach bought a car, he was driving around the area, trying to make sense of all the highways, strip malls and car dealerships. Somehow, he ended up at the top of a hill overlooking New York City. On one side of the road, there were official county buildings: the county penitentiary, alcohol rehabilitation center, and court house. Beside these, a memorial for September 11^th stood tall, its metal glittering in the sunlight. Benches surrounded a replica of the wreckage from Ground Zero, and tree saplings sprung up behind it. It was typical weather in January for New Jersey: thirty degrees and melted snow littering the pothole-filled roadways. Zach had been driving around for a while, thinking about everything and anything that could come to mind, and, upon seeing the memorial, decided he needed to take a break. After pulling his car into a section of gravel beside the memorial, he sat on one of the benches overlooking the city skyline, and realized he felt the most serenity he had felt in a long time. Since that day, Zach had been coming to the memorial to collect his thoughts.

Since the beginning of the season, and since the moment he had found out Travis joined the team, Zach found himself going there more and more often, and tonight was no exception. As he sat on his favorite bench, Zach forced himself, for the first time all night, to think about what had happened between Travis and himself. In all honesty, he could not put his feelings into coherent thoughts. It seemed like nothing made sense to him anymore. He�d wanted Travis to feel that way since they had met all those years ago, but now that it had happened, Zach was running away scared. This wasn�t the way he�d imagine Travis would be confessing his feelings. They should have been in a hot tub in a cabin near Fargo. A long embrace was supposed to have ensued. Instead, all Zach was left with were harsh words and angry eyes.

Lost in thought, Zach did not hear the car pulling up beside his own. He did, however, hear the feet crunching on gravel and looked up, only to meet Travis�s eyes. Zach quickly averted his gaze and tried not to let Travis sitting next to him quicken his pulse. �I may not have had an abusive boyfriend,� Travis began softly, �but I�ve got through a lot, too. I�d always been clinically depressed, but right before I got to UND, I had hit rock bottom. You know what saved me?� Zach felt Travis�s eyes bearing into him. �Your brother. I would be having a bad day and I knew that I could call him and he�d be over in a minute. I feel like I owe him this relationship, that maybe it�ll pay a little bit back of all he�s done for me. But God,� Travis let out a heavy sigh, �do I want you. I�ve never wanted anyone like I want you right now.�

�So then be with me.� Zach was more stunned at his words than Travis was. He still hadn�t looked at Travis�s face for fear of falling apart, but finally did. Travis�s eyes were wide and his lips were slightly parted. Before his mind could object, Zach closed the space between the two of them and forcefully pressed his lips onto Travis�s. He swung his leg over the bench so he was straddling it, and Travis did the same. After the initial shock of the kiss, Travis finally succumbed to the action and let his tongue connect with Zach�s. Zach placed his hands on Travis�s broad shoulder and let them slowly glide down his arms. Zach pushed his body further into Travis and closed his teeth on Travis�s bottom lip. But with a start, Travis pulled away with a gasp and mumbled, �I can�t do this.� He sat looking at Zach for a moment and jumped up, before jogging back to his car.

(Source: http://www.newjerseydevils.com/2005/html/fanzone/features/spotlight/zajac110606.php �I�m good friends with him. I look up to him and hang around him a lot.�

(Source: http://www.grandforksherald.com/articles/index.cfm?id=16611&CFID=17718313&CFTOKEN=67001949&jsessionid=88301ed54a00412cf4b4 The entire article)

They told reporters they were good friends, that they�d hang out off the ice and talked about everything. It wasn�t completely false; it was like life had begun when the plane took off in Dallas after the season opener and had yet to land. They hadn�t kissed, hadn�t confessed anything, hadn�t outwardly loved each other. They fooled themselves into thinking that they were just friends, though inside, they were feeling much more than that. In the locker room the day after the kiss, Travis treated Zach as he treated every other teammate, and, with their line receiving more ice time, there was little time for discussion. Their off time was filled with Friday Night Lights the TV show, watched online on Travis�s laptop, and Tiger Woods Golf. One night in Tampa, after a 2-0 win, they were lying face down on Zach�s bed watching the newest episode of Friday Night Lights. Zach heard Travis groan and looks at him sideways. When Travis commented on how beautiful Jason Street was, Zach agreed, keeping one eye on the computer screen and one eye on Travis. This was his way of releasing some of his emotions, pent up over the past few weeks. Travis looked up at Zach with a smile, as if reading his thoughts, and said, �Let�s go for a walk.� It was more a command than a question, but Zach wouldn�t have disagreed.

They walked to a bridge connecting a small island to the mainland behind their hotel and sat down, letting their legs dangle above the sparkling water. �I called Jordan last night,� Travis said in small voice, his words cutting through the still Florida air. �Drew picked up the phone. I asked him what they were doing and I guess he didn�t see the caller ID or something, and he said that they were jacking each other off.� Zach kept his eyes low. The admission didn�t catch him by surprise, as Drew and Jordan had been best friends as long as anyone could remember; they were even in a band together. Their relationship finally came to blows when, during the All-Star break, Jordan chose to visit Drew in Buffalo rather than drive down to see Travis. �I don�t know why I�m upset. It�s not like I didn�t see it coming. It�s just�� Travis looked at Zach, �We wasted all that time being concerned about Jordan, and all along, he wouldn�t have cared.�

Zach locked eyes with him and said softly, �Do you ever wish you didn�t run away when we kissed?�

�It doesn�t matter now. What�s done is done.�

With those words, something inside Zach snapped and he stood up with a start. �It doesn�t matter now?! You may feel like this, us, is all over, but it�s not for me. You think that just by forgetting it happened will make me forget how I feel? I was there, Travis. I felt it. You kissed me back, and you were the one who chose to run away. Do you remember how it was in the beginning of the season? You were the one who took all the initiative and I was the one who ran away. Well, now it�s my turn to tell you that you�re wrong to run. God,� Zach clenched his fists in frustration, �you said it yourself, how you would rather be with me than with Jordan. Well, now he�s gone, and you�re still pretending what we had wasn�t real. I can�t pretend that I don�t love you, that I wouldn�t want to be with you. I�m walking away this time, and I need you to follow me.� Zach looked at Travis, trying to convey all of the hope he had in his eyes. Travis looked away from Zach and didn�t move when he walked away.

Zach managed to contain his emotions until he got in the elevator. As the elevator approached his floor, he choked back a sob and stopped the elevator. Sinking to the floor, Zach let the weight of his emotions fall onto him, and began sobbing. In the beginning, he was always afraid to hurt someone: hurt Jordan, hurt himself, hurt Travis. But now...now, he was only thinking of himself and their relationship. It was just Zach and Travis, Travis and Zach, and in the blink of an eye, all of that was gone.

Still crying, he pressed his floor�s button and continued up. He walked down the hall to his room as one would walk away from a funeral: head down, tears staining his cheeks. �The elevator was stopped, so I had to take the stairs.� Zach finally looked up to see Travis leaning against Zach�s door. As Zach stood rooted to his spot, Travis walked over and cupped his head in his hands. With force, he brought Zach�s lips to his own and held them there for several seconds, before letting go.

With all of the passion he could muster, Travis whispered, �I�d always follow you.�

�So, where are we going for dinner tomorrow?� Zach sat down beside Travis after practice and began untying his skates.

�Well, Nicole is going to be here because it�s her break, so I�m taking her out.�

Zach picked his head up and stared at Travis with a confused look on his face. Nicole was a girl from home. Travis had mentioned her a few times, but only in passing, and never with any kind of emotion either way. Beautiful and intelligent, or so Travis and Jordan had described her, she was the perfect girl, and Zach hated her for that. �When were you going to tell me?� Zach said, trying to cover the hurt tone in his voice.

�I didn�t think you�d care all that much. Plus, she�s only here for a couple days and then she�s going back up to school.�

Zach kept his mouth shut until the rest of the team filed out in their street clothes. �So, she just called you and asked to hang out?�

�Pretty much, yeah. I haven�t seen her for a while and I just started talking to her again. She�s my friend.� Travis stood up and placed his hand gently on Zach�s cheek. �She�s only going to be here for a couple days. Don�t be jealous.�

Zach shook his head and sent Travis�s hand flying. He stood up with a start and hauled his equipment over his shoulder. �I�m not. Just�call me later or something.�

The sun rose the following morning with a vengeance, and Zach relished in the bright sunlight and unusually cool May April temperature before crossing the street to Travis�s apartment. He paused before knocking gently on the weather-beaten door and smiled to himself, laughing inwardly at his overreaction towards Nicole�s visit. Travis was his; no one could get between that. The door opened slowly and Travis�s sleep-worn face peeked through the crack between the door and its frame.

�I know, I know. You�ll be happy to know that I�m eating breakfast, even if I woke up 10 minutes ago.�

Zach held Travis�s gaze before Travis averted his eyes and let the crack widen. He looked past Travis and saw Nicole sitting at the ceramic table they�d bought at a garage sale in Livingston, just wearing one of his shirts. She had a dainty foot propped up onto the surface and was eating a bowl of Cap�n Crunch. Her blonde hair, which fell just below her shoulders, was mussed with sleep. Seeing her in person for the first time, Zach couldn�t help but think how she was the quintessential girlfriend. Travis followed Zach�s gaze and sighed.

�You know what?� Zach said shrilly, �I just want to know what happened to �I�d always follow you.�� Zach took a step back and began mocking Travis. ��Oh, I�ll always be here for you. I love you, Zach.� THAT lasted long.�

�I�m still here,� Travis said softly. �I haven�t left. We�re still talking.�

�You�re not here. You�re with her. You didn�t follow me home from the game-�

�I had to take her back here. I�m not going to ditch her. She came here to see me.�

�-And you�re not going to follow me when I walk out the door.� Zach turned around and crossed over the door frame. Travis reached out his hand and caught the sleeve of Zach�s jacket.

�She�s sitting at your kitchen table wearing your shirt. Sure looks like a girlfriend thing to me.�

�She�s not my girlfriend. I don�t know what more I can say to you to get that through your head.�

Zach sighed and moved out of the way as Travis stepped on to the landing outside his door and closed it softly behind him. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. It was as if everything he�d been feeling was weighing on this one conversation, right now.

�What is she to you?� Zach whispered, barely audible over the rumble of traffic on the road behind them.

�But..� Zach began to protest softly. At this point in the argument, he�d run out of steam. He was hurt, battered, bruised, down for the count. At this point in the argument, all he�d wanted was for it to end. All he wanted was to be in Travis�s arms.

�Zach, you�re getting famous. You have fans. You�re getting interviewed and you�re scoring all these goals. You�re going to be the next Marty, going on TV shows and stuff. You won�t have time for me. I can call Nicole and I know she won�t be busy. Granted, I don�t feel the same way about her as I do with you, but it�s something. It�s nice to know someone is there for me all the time. I�ve never felt like that with you. Remember that night in Dallas? God, I�ve never been that hurt before in my life.�

�I know you didn�t, and that�s why I feel like I need her. You didn�t mean to, and I know you�re sorry, but she�s just�she�s not going to hurt me because I�ll never feel like that about her. She�ll never have the potential to hurt me that much.�

�So you�re just going to let what we have go? You�re going to forget everything that we had and trade that all in for some fake tits and a pussy?�

�I�m still here, aren�t I? I�m still listening to you. I�m still trying to work this out with you.�

Travis�s words hung in the unseasonably cool April air. There was nothing left to say, no words that could mend the situation.

�So then what are we going to do?� Zach asked, trying desperately to hold back the tears threatening to fall. �Are we just going to go back and forth forever?�

�I don�t know.� Travis sighed and put his head in his hands. �I don�t know,� he repeated, more to himself than to Zach.

�I don�t know much,� Zach said as he took a step closer to Travis. He looked down towards his feet and looked back up into Travis�s eyes with a new sense of courage, �but I know that I love you. I had no clue what love was until I realized it was what I felt with you. That has to mean something, right? We�re always going to go back and forth. That�s the nature of our relationship. But God, I just feel like this, us, was meant to happen. We weren�t placed on the same team just to be passing acquaintances. Maybe we could have been friends, but I screwed that up when I became attracted to you the first time, way back at the U.� Travis snorted and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. �Maybe I�ll become this famous player and have all these girls hanging off of me, and maybe I�ll become Sidney status and have to do all of these interviews. Maybe I�ll win trophies. But at the end of the day, none of those will matter, because all I want to do is be in your arms. I want to wake up beside you and hold you and love you and kiss you.�

A tear slid down Travis�s cheek and landed with a plop on the concrete beneath their feet. Zach reached up to wipe it away but Travis caught Zach�s hand before he could touch his face. �Just�I think you should go.�

The next day, as part of a team bonding exercise, Lou made each player stand in the front of the locker room after the morning skate and recite a poem that they were assigned at the previous day�s practice. Despite their next game being the game that could eliminate them from the playoffs, the team was still a team. They needed to remain a strong, cohesive group if they wanted to make it to the Conference finals. When it was Zach�s turn, he stood up and cracked his neck, before smiling.

�This is a haiku on the Rangers.� Groans emanated from each player in the room, and a few stifled their giggles. Zach held up a finger to show the line of the haiku. �The hottest player,� he added another finger, �the Rangers have is Swedish,� he held up a third, �and tastes like the fish.� The entire room broke out in laughter, while Patrik began choosing the next victim. He looked at Travis and noticed the obvious tension between the line mates. Figuring the best way to eliminate this tension was to force them together, Patrik walked over to Travis and pointed, then motioned for him to speak.

�I don�t think this is a very good idea,� Travis said softly so only Patrik could hear.

�You have to face the music sometime,� Patrik replied and stepped out of Travis�s way.

He stood up and, grabbing hold of the back of his neck in an effort to ease his nervous tension, breathed deeply. He kept his eyes glues to the floor and mumbled, �I could say I wish I never met you, but then I�d be lying.�

�Speak up, Trav!� Someone shouted to him from across the room. �Some of us don�t have superhuman hearing.�

�You make me a mess,� Travis started slowly. �I look at our picture, and it hurts. Every time I think about you, I want to be with you so badly. You�re the only one I want to be with. All I want is for you to hold me, tell me everything will be okay. I�d want to hear your voice, but every time we hang up, I feel ten times worse. I�ve never felt this way about anyone before. You�re the only one who has such a power over me that I�ll cry just thinking about you. You�re the only guy I�ve ever cried in front you. With you, I can be myself, completely. God, this hurts so badly. No one ever seems to measure up to you.� Travis finally lifted his eyes and matched gazes with Zach. �You hurt me like no one else, but I could take the pain if it meant waking up every morning to your smile.�

The only sound heard in the locker room was the sound of Travis's quick, nervous breaths. Zach stood from the bench, feeling every muscle, every joint in his body ache with the movement. This season had completely flipped Zach's world upside down. It was as if he'd aged seven years over the course of seven months. Zach had once heard that love changes a person. If love was the cause of Zach�s change in personality and his maturity, then he must really love Travis. He walked to Travis in his lucky socks and stood with a small smile on his face. �I never meant to hurt you.�

Travis let his gaze fall and carefully slid his hand into the crevices between Zach�s fingers. �Please don�t say you�re done with me,� Travis pleaded. He wasn�t ready to give up. He�d bore his soul in front of the entire team, just to win back Zach�s affection. He couldn�t let this go; not now.

Zach tugged on Travis�s hand and pulled him into his thinly clad body. At this point, Zach finally felt everything fall into place. The final piece of the puzzle fit perfectly, and, for the first time in his life, Zach felt like everything was the way it should be. Zach smiled as he made a mental note to thank Jordan for the introduction all those years ago. Sure, they invariably would have become close because of their proximity in age and chemistry on the ice. But, without their close relationship, Zach may have missed out on the opportunity to fall in love with the person who changed his life the most. If Jordan and Travis hadn�t been as close as they were, Zach wouldn�t be as strong and mature and knowledgeable. If it wasn�t for brotherly love, Zach wouldn�t be Zach.