Funnies

THREE OLD GUYS

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

NEW HEARING AID

ROOM MATES

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000., but it's state of the art. It's perfect." The neighbor answered, "Really, What kind is it?" The man said, "12:30."

Jeff invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Jeff's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Jeff's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jeff and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thought's Jeff volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates." About a week later, Mike came to Jeff and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Well, I doubt it," Jeff replied, "but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a silver gravy ladle from my house and I'm not saying you did not take a silver gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Jeff received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Mike and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the silver gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

SNORING COACH

All the high school coaches in Boise, Idaho went to a coaches' retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Darryl because he snored so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns. The first coach sleeps with Darryl and comes to breakfast next morning with his hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Man, that Darryl snored so loud, I watched him all night." The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man,what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Darryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night." The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player-looking type of man's man. Next morning, he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed, "Good morning." They can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Darryl into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."

THE TRIAL

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me? "She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheats on his wife with three different women. One of them is your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."