This Story is set in-between smashed, wrecked and gone, it is my way of making the sacrifice Willow makes with her magick justified, also I think that the scoobies treated her really badly...so here goes.
PART 1
Blinding, blazing, aching agony, like someone ramming needles behind her eyes and tacking her lungs to her ribs. It had gotten steadily worse over the last three weeks, she'd promised though, with good reason, to quit, so she was going cold turkey, but by the goddess it hurt like an absolute bitch! The same thing every morning, it was like the flu, you know how it gets worst first thing in the morning and last thing at night, well morning and evening were like the uber shitiness of the shit she had to endure. No one knew how bad it was, she didn't think it was right to tell them. Especially seen as all they tended to do was look at her like she was a ticking time bomb primed to go at any minute. The unchecked scorn in Giles eyes when he dained to actually make eye contact was like a stake through the heart, sometimes she could have sworn she'd go up in dust just from a brief glance. Xander looked on her with pity and sorrow, like he thought she'd break any minute and he'd not be able to put her back together, and Buffy was just as bad, she was so cold and course snapping at the least little thing Willow said. Dawn was the worst though, she was scared of her, she couldn't be in a room with her for more than ten minutes without finding some excuse to split, and if she ever went to touch her, just as an unconscious act, Dawn would shy away and hide. It was devastating but deserved.
So when she started to throw up blood and sweat constantly she told no one. She would wake in the night slick with perspiration and feeling like someone was sucking the air out of her chest, it was frightening, first and intriguing second. She had cut all magick out, she didn't even have any scented candles left in her room, the only thing she still did was pray to her goddess, every minute of every day she prayed to her to stop the agony, but she never received an answer, not once.
"RRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG"
Willow groaned and turned over shoving her head under her pillow, when the ringing didn't stop she peeked out from her hiding place and poked a hand towards the offending item. Slamming her palm down on the alarm button she gingerly slid out of bed, but the minute her feet hit the carpet she collapsed in a heap on the floor, she tried to stand but her stomach wouldn't allow her, so she pulled herself to the bathroom on her hands and knees and reached up to turn on the hot water for a bath, maybe that would make her feel a little better. She finally managed to drag herself into a standing position by hauling herself up on the basin. She stared in the mirror for a few minutes, but it wasn't Willow Rosenberg that stared back, it was some shrivelled, withered looking girl with sunken eyes and very pronounced cheek bones. She decided then that she couldn't stay here, in Sunnydale, surrounded by magick and power and be able to either stay on the wagon or even survive. She didn't know where she was going to go but she just couldn't stay, her friends hated her and thought she deserved everything she got, and without her friends she didn't know whether she'd even get through the day let alone all this.
* * * * * * * * *
Willow stumbled through the door of the Magick Box and went to sit at the study table. She got her laptop out and booted up. She looked up and saw Anya watching her, she seemed to be the only person that treated her with anything other than disdane, maybe it was the ex-demon thing, or maybe she just didnt care...but it was a refreshing change not to have to keep her eyes lowered to the carpet constantly and try not to say anything for fear of being attacked by the others. Thier words shouldnt have hurt, she should have been able to brush it off, but she couldnt, they really hit home and she didnt feel like she could take anymore, she had deceived the ones she loved most and so she should just take her lumps. She was of the bad, she`d become a junkie and she deserved the ridicule and coldness. It was too cold though, everytime she stepped into a room the tension went up two notches and it felt like it was pushing in on her.
She logged on and opened her mail account, she checked her mails and found one from Angel and Cordy, her lips twitched slightly at the thought of the stoic and brooding vamp and the prom queen turned detective. They had been the only ones to not shun her through all of this, they`d shown support and love and had talked her out of doing some really stupid things, when it all first happened she thought she might go crazy, she`d mailed cordy and told her everything and that she didnt want to go on fighting if it was always gonna be like this. Cordy had been a tower of strength telling her that she was the toughest and strongest person she knew and not to give up cos she would always be there for her. It had surprised Willow, the power of her words and the sentiment behind them, they`d never been great friends but when it came to this she was the best friend Willow could hope for. Angel had seemed disgusted by the way her so called friends had been treating her, "every one makes mistakes Willow" He had said, and he should know, he then commented that he wasnt really surprised at thier actions because he knew best of all how un-forgiveing and un-relenting they could be, after he`d returned from hell Willow and Cordy had been the only two people to care how he was or what he was feeling, and after they`d badgered him into starting to live again, he had finally seen that what Angelus had done was not his fault, none the less he still felt the guilt and still tried to atone, and he would keep trying until the day he died.
A small reprieve had come in the form of Conner, he was a father and he was happy, not too happy of course, but happy, for the first time in a long while, and Willow was pleased for him, she truly was, and she didnt judge him about the mistake he`d made with Darla, didnt chastise him for it, just helped him through it and saw what a beautiful gift the vampire had in his son.
She snapped back to life and clicked on the msg header..
Hiya wills,
hows it going, I hope your felling better, we were gonna come see you last weekend but that Holtz guy is keeping us kind of busy, he keeps trying to kill Angel and take Conner so we`re all on full alert, so we had to stay here. How are the others? Apart from being self centred bastards I mean..*grin* aint I evil.... I was wondering if you wanted to come here, you know recharge the batteries and chill out, well as much as our clients will let us that is. Angel says Hi, and dont let them get you down also he would love to see you ( I mean really, he was so pissed we couldnt visit at the weekend he got in a right tizzy) he misses you, he`s always talking about you, I miss you two Wills, Its a nightmare up here and I just need some good ol fashioned Willowy comfort, Oh and Angel says, and I quote "PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE come up here so I can get some willow lovein too" as you can see mister subtlety wants you to visit...well mail back or ring soon,
Love ya always
Queen C
Willow was at least snileing now, they always managed to make her smile somehow, just a note or phone call. She missed them like crazy, not to mention the fact that she was in agony 24/7. She needed a break and Cordie`s mail had come at just the right time. Resolved to tell her so-called friends that she was going away for a few days she wrote a quick reply to Cordy,
"Love too, see you in a few hours"
"Love Willow"
She switched the laptop off and turned to see Spike watching her, when had he come in, she hadnt noticed, he lhad a look of concern on his face, but seeing she was looking at him he quickly concieled it.
To Be Continued....