Title - I Can't Hate You
Author - Moonbeam
Disclaimer - If I owned it Chloe would have gotten her man, Clark and Lex might have done something about all that homoeroticism that they've got going on. Lex would have ruined Lana for any other man but Clark wouldn't care because he'd have Chloe. And Pete would get some - anyone he wants really. Whitney would have gotten what he wanted, not his fault he was with Lana. And Lionel would have been tortured by those out there in the fandom who would like to do that sort of thing.
Rating - I allude to masturbation so yeah other than that there is a little violence so be older than 13.
Summary - Ugh never mind just read.
Author's Note - This is what happens when I fall for 'The Bastard' again. I didn't want to read ti again but I wanted to put it out there so there is no editing. Sorry.
Maybe that is the point of this whole stupid excuse for a science experiment. What is the point of having skin if it doesn�t protect you from anything. Sunlight still gets in, pain finds all the cracks and assaults your blood just trying to get to your heart. I can see the veins, my skin doesn�t protect me. I get cut and bleed and that is the good stuff that is the stuff that others can see and makes them want to comfort me and hide me from the pain and give me little pills that make sleep easy and the pain go away.
Then I feel real pain.
I can deal with the cuts, the bruises the concussions that come with being here and being a part of this weird excuse for a life but the ache that starts in my solar plexus and makes it hard to breathe and makes my life something not worth living. That I have never been able to deal with. Maybe it wouldn�t be so bad if it didn�t make me cry, maybe I wouldn�t feel so much if I didn�t notice that salty taste in my mouth just before my vision clouds.
I hate you, and I hate her and I hate that you smile at me and I WANT to forgive you. You do not deserve it you�male. And it�s not even your fault. It�s mine because I let myself feel. Because I never cut my heart out the first time I felt like that. And now�now I can�t get to it. It�s buried beneath that skin that keeps nothing out and everything that is good shies away from it.
I want to beat you.
I want to make you bleed and cry and ache and feel and I want you to hurt. I want you to hurt so bad that I hurt. And I hate that I want that. That I have such a depth of feelings that I can want to rip your skin away and see nothing but your blood and pain and hear you cry out for death.
I won�t.
I will sit here next to you and pretend that every other look isn�t like someone taking a knife to my flesh. I�ll pretend to be happy for you and I will pretend to be your friend and tonight when I�m alone I won�t even be able to hate you then because it will be you that makes me feel something good. And it will be you that I fantasise about when I can�t have the real thing. I will make myself feel anything I can and afterwards. When I can think and know that you are with her and you are making her feel how I want you to make me feel I will be sad and I will cry and even then I can�t hate you.
What is the point of feeling if every feeling turns to pain?
You don�t seem to notice the cold, or the hot but I feel cold standing in the sun in the middle of summer all because I let myself want you and you didn�t see me. You can�t see me. Or at least that is what I tell myself. Otherwise you do see me and you just know the truth. That I�m not worth the type of pain that loving me would cause anyone. Because I belong to something that isn�t real and even if YOU were the one to come top me in the middle of the night and make me feel I would still be hollow because I will always be the girl you didn�t want.
And you will always be the man that I love regardless of the fact that when I�m done I won�t have a heart left just the place in my chest that only knows how to ache and never fills with anything but the tears that I cry over you. Even though I know that you are not worth it even when my body and heart tells me you are. You are the only man I will ever know that will be worth it.
The End