MY VALENTINE

By Jan Eduard Vlaskamp (circa 1992)

When I saw her I could appreciate
That she was looking really fine
On a scale of one to eight
I would've rated her a nine
What I said to her that day
I guess was possibly out of line
I said, Oh, beautiful please say
You'll be My Valentine

She looked up and her eyes met mine
And with no hint of a smile
she said, That is the stupidest line
I have heard in quite a while
I don't need your silly compliment
And I'd prefer to be alone
And even though I'm observing men
I'm not about to take YOU home

I replied, Oh you misunderstand
I meant no disrespect
A casual one-night stand
Is certainly not what I expect
I was looking for someone to love
Who could maybe love me too
I don't know what I was thinking of
Because I was thinking it could be you

But now that I get a closer look
I can see that I was wrong
Your nose is shaped just like a hook
And your chin is way too long
Your eyes are much too close together
And your lips unreasonably thin
You shouldn't go out in stormy weather
Because your ears will flutter in the wind

Your head is really much too small
To contain an adult-sized brain
You're so skinny I bet in the shower stall
You keep slipping down the drain
Now pardon me please, for getting carried away
And unthinkingly speaking my mind
I guess that's all I can think of to say
Except please never mind being My Valentine