| Nodding off to sleep at my desk, I find myself lost in thought. Eighty hours, seven days a week I spend in the studio. Sometimes I begin to forget what the real world is like. I start to believe the world is a room with a view of New York City. In that microcosm we are all satisfied, with our piles of crumpled up masterpieces, cursing the small world we are confined to. My mind wanders. All of the intense light amidst the piles of papers blur together as I try to focus. The rising sun singes my corneas, yet I cannot combat the weight slowly pressing my eyelids into a deep trance-like sleep. I just think I�m sleeping, wish I�m sleeping, beg God that I could sleep at that moment. I get so absorbed in my work, that often the dawning of a new day seeps through my windows and penetrates my eyelids. One hundred and twenty-three sunrises, two hundred and sixty-six sunsets later, I never thought I�d start to get sick of their beauty. I work feverishly, by myself, through the secluded nights, adoring the skyscrapers I wish were mine. I scribble my designs onto papers, and then tear them to shreds. Ambition is fleeting. There�s never time for sleep. I let body go numb and than my mind is free to run wild with thoughts. I work well in those conditions; my mind is the true inventor. To the college world, I�m just another young mind. To my professors, I am a name and a number. You�ll know me as that quiet, pensive fellow, the goatee, and the glasses, dark features, very refined. My pieces are marvels, and yet I am just another student. Cutthroat ambition always scared me; I kept to myself and stuck to my goals. I could drive woman wild if I put my mind to it, I don�t need distractions. I entertain vices; I am what I see in the mirror. In high school, life was what it was and there was no dimension to it. Comforting, for the empty minded, and those who were dependent upon maintaining what they considered their precious normalcy. I don�t need to be spoon-fed. Standing six foot two inches tall in my quaint little Jersey town, I was king. Silence is my alibi. One can learn a lot just by sitting back and watching the lunacy around them. If you�re a player in the game, you�ll never understand its dimension. But I was free to pursue my wishes, now matter how self-defeating they had been. I relished in being free, being on my own. I was finally free just to be free and free from her. College was my excuse to get away, all of her mind games sat miles away. They could be Guam to me now. She had such a firm grasp on my heart, it took severe damage to get away, and when I did I didn�t stop running. When you�re being controlled, you�re aware but not that bothered. It just happens, and is over with, you�re left feeling like a tear in a rainstorm. You�re nothing. �How is school going?� I�d love for once to look her in the face and not think of all the wicked things she�s done to me. I sipped my coffee holding back my laughter. It was all working out brilliantly she didn�t have a clue. Wisps of dark hair fell across her pale skin. God, did her beauty ever mask her real face. Her green eyes glinted flecks of gold from the candlelight. I almost felt bad for her, almost. �C�mon Dan� She encouraged. �Tell me all about everything.� She giggled with a slight, worried, little giggle, as a small child would. She thought she was so clever; she thought I was deteriorating and not flourishing without her around. How na�ve. �Wonderfully. My work is coming along nicely. I�ve met some great people.� �Not one person like you� I thought. �Thank God.� �I�m happy for you. I haven�t really met anyone. No one as special as you.� Katie stroked her soft hand against mine. Oh this was too much. What does she take me for? I laughed snobbishly, and resisted the urge to fling her hand from mine. I had a hard time believing I was in love with this temptress. It was small motions she�d make, like the way she�d irritatingly pull on the charm of her necklace back and forth, and back. It would trigger memories of times she�d tried to deceive me, and I lapped it up like a parched animal. Keeping composure proved testing. I wanted so bad to lash out at her, tell her what a scheming person she is and had been. My thoughts seized my attention. The burning flame of the candle entranced me. I got up out of my seat and cast my napkin to the floor. All of the customers leered at me, for interrupting their comfortable normalcy. Katie grasped my arm,� Dan, please sit down your making a scene!� �NO!� I shook her grip,� It�s finally time for me to be honest. I�m through with your bullshit, I�ve played all your games, and I�ve followed you around. Release me.� She broke into tears and her makeup began to run down her face, in long black streaks like black fingernail scratches. I grinned, a feral grin. It was better than the best sex we ever had. I slung my coat over my shoulder, gave her one last glance (to remember this beautiful picture) and entered the most dazzling night. �Dan, Dan DAN! Hello?� Her voice pierced my subconscious, with that familiar indignant sniff. I picked up my head from my hand and shook it off. �What is up with you?� She sneered. Where is my mind? I sat up. �I�m really sorry Katie. Just� Dreaming is all.� I took her hand as we exited through the mahogany doors and into the still, composed night. I feel so accomplished, her hand feels icy, and she�s no one. In the car, the stereo system was thunderous. One of my favorite songs relieved my mind. �I want you to know/ He's not coming back/ Look into my eyes/ I'm not coming back� Look into my eyes/ it's the only way you'll know I'm telling the truth.� I began to laugh at the extremely appropriate lyric, and sped down the street. I stopped outside her house and turned the engine off. She turned towards me, her eyes glazed over with virgin tears. �What�s happened to us?� She sobbed. I stared into her eyes, playing the concerned roll. I caressed her arm, than I stared her straight in the eye. �To us?� I said, matter-of-factly. She sniffled, and looked into my eyes for sympathy, but could find nothing more than my fuming regret of the past. �Who are you anymore? You�ve just become a monster.� �I think you better leave.� �Excuse me?� She retorted. �I�m sorry. Goodbye.� She slammed my door, than ran up into her house. Sure, if I cared any I could have gone after her, should have gone after her. But instead I drove off into the night. She does it to herself anyway, that was what it came down to. Back in the studio I was messing with my models again. Ten minutes, ten seconds, ten hours, I had no concept of time sitting in my world; I didn�t know how long it had been since I got back home. All the desks around me were abandoned for the night, but I venerated working in the silence. Papers ruffled on the steal desks, from a small breeze circulating. My fantasy played over and over again in the Cineplex of my mind. Four AM, five AM, six AM. Feeling began to flee from my extremities. Sleep becomes me. My head collapsed on my desk and my eyes fell shut amidst my masterpieces. |
| All my Masterpieces |