The pure and simple truth, is rarely pure and never simple.

Life is a big mystery, you can�t figure it out. All one can do is merely, guess as to how things work. Maybe the combination of knowledge might lead to answers. But I doubt every mystery will be solved. This is an absolute fact. No one wants to believe it. When you try to understand yourself you are choosing to go on down a dangerous path. I, myself, started to come to terms with people. I wanted to know more about them. Sure, people may be sinister and evil. I�d say the majority of the population is, and completely selfish. It�s a true virtue to be self-less. It would be a cold day in hell before I see the majority of the population do so. Everyone is too preoccupied in their own agendas to care about any one but themselves. But I guess it�s human nature. If you only live once you have no time to care about others and achieve for yourself. Or is that not even the case at all? Would you get further if you listened to your peers and adults around you? We�ll never know. We�re too preoccupied achieving our own goals. Maybe my generation will never put this theory into action. That would involve collaboration. That would mean being self-less.
Another thing that is quite the annoyance is people criticizing you. It�s not so much the action of it, as how they can criticize you for something they�ve never done. It�s almost like seeing someone eat something you find to appear completely grotesque, and telling them so. Have you tried it? If not, that who are you to write off an unknown pleasure to another? No one can criticize you, unless you let it get to you of course. It�s just another one of those things that people do all the time.
I really hate the generation and the town I grow up in. Everyone in this town is so close-minded. If you don�t wear the �in� fashion or you don�t have that new bag everyone got, you get labeled. That�s right, you are not as cool as the JAPs. For those of you that don�t know what a JAP is, it stands for Jewish American princess. I would define it myself as somebody who thinks they have perfect looks, has every new trend in their closet and is spoiled to death by their parents. Don�t get me wrong, I buy stuff that is name brands all the time, only because I like them. I wouldn�t doubt it if some new ridiculous style came out like wearing trash bags, all the JAP�s would do it, why? They would because, it�s in style and everyone else is doing it, wearing it. I used to think I had to buy all those clothes they did, listen to all the music they did, I admit with remorse I coveted what they had. One day though, I woke up. I realized everyone is the same. They are just in different groups.. No longer would I take their insults and new styles. I would only care what I thought. People rarely believe me when I tell them that, let them think what they want, I am just opening them up to a new view on life. It is their loss, I don�t care what people think because all it does is bring you down, suck you in, choke you and you can�t breathe. Why could anybody in the world want that? I wonder, and you probably wonder too. It�s amazing how people can say �You do so care about what people think about you�.. They�re probably thinking this is some new trend they should get involved in.
I would bet I have more friends then them in different groups, I mean, if quantity really means anything as opposed to quality. It�s kind of sad actually, people have forgotten the value of their good friends as a search to collect many more. Just so they can say �I am friends with so and so�. But maybe it is that person who nobody except you are friends with that actually has any significance? I am sure in many cases I am wrong. But people do tend to neglect those of less fortune. I catch myself doing it sometimes. It�s really a shame. I don�t see what is so difficult, looking past labels?
. Friends are some of the most terrible people in the world. Now you really think I am crazy. But who makes you cry at night? Who do you get in arguments with? Who steals your boyfriend/girlfriend? The answer is simple; friends. It is some special person if you can find a friend that won�t just pick you up and drop you. I have gone through that so many times I have lost count. Luckily, I hopefully will always have two I know of and trust in. I used to be naive. I would tell my friends everything and they told me everything. Then they went off and told everybody whatever it is I told them. Me, still having faith in society went right back and told their secrets. Whoever the person is that said �Two wrongs don�t make a right� was very, very smart. Karma, is a b*tch. That�s life. When you hurt someone, it always, always comes back to you. My friend is a very good example, she had cheated on a lot of her boyfriends and they all dumped her. And if that was not redemption enough, she just had one of them cheat on her. She was upset, and yeah I felt bad. But exactly how bad could I possibly feel? She did it to herself, and that�s what really hurt her. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is not learning from their mistakes and that is a mistake in itself. Now that I have confused you, people never learn. That is a big downfall, because you just keep getting hurt. Than you are put into this never ending cycle.
Music, is not written to sound nice, but that is a good factor. Music is written to have a meaning. A specific genre of this type is, pop rock. Just answer me one question what does �Say my name, say my name, when no one is around you, say baby I love you� supposed to mean? This is just an example of a hit pop song. It is flat out ridiculous what they write. But if you are mindless and like hearing people talk about nothing then more power to you, because your bound to lose interest. And where does Britney spears get off saying that that �Hit me baby one more time� is not a sexually oriented comment. It�s truly disturbing when I see little kids looking up to people like her. What kind of role model is that? Since �role models� do it, should we all walk around in revealing clothing and do provocative dances now? And the children singing it. They are oblivious to what it is they are saying. And what if they did know? It would be okay to them, because Britney is saying it and so is Christina , also their fellow class mates. I don�t know about you but seeing a five year old wanting to be fake like that is just not right. Imagine your little sister dressing in short-shorts a halter top and caked on make-up at age 10. That�s not cool.
Let me now move on to a touchy subject, suicide. People die from what I believe as being sucked into the traps of society. My personal view on it is, that whatever you couldn�t receive in life, you�re most likely not going to receive it in death either. You actually probably can only get it in life. Or maybe it�s that you don�t know what it is that is making you unhappy but you just know you are. (Those of you now, who know me are probably thinking what a hypocrite. But to the contrary, from my times of attempted suicide and weakness, I learned from it. That�s how I can disclose it to others). Well then maybe you need to just think about yourself, like what you have and forget what you lack. Just remember the consequences your gonna hurt so many people. Your going to ruin so many lives, all for the selfishness and comfort of death? Don�t you think you were being a little self indulgent that you can�t solve your problems by talking to someone? Or if not, maybe you don�t like verbal communication like myself, then there are other forms of expression you have available, I wrote about previously. Why do so many people choose to destruct themselves? Well, we may be the smartest species but some things still are beyond us. Any therapist may give you some silly unreal answer why you are depressed, my opinion? You cared. You cared what they thought of you. Society won out.
People often become addicted to drugs. Drugs well let�s think of the positives, you feel happy, everything around you moves faster and the whole world is spinning, you might even see things/people. Negatives (this is gonna be a long one) dizziness, loss of memory, nausea, headaches, heart attacks, strokes, brain damage and the worst side effect of all, death. No one wants to face its ugly face. It stares everyone in the face sooner or later. So why speed up the process of life? Your really f*cking with fate and if that�s your idea of fun, than you are one truly disturbed individual. You are risking so much money, time, everything all for an hour or more of fun. Is it really worth all of that?
Parents: they decide your life and plan the whole thing out before you even have a chance to object. When you finally meet that stage of maturity where you can rebel, �the teenage years�, that�s where all the drama begins. Everything you want they don�t . Everything they�ve planned you hate all of it. It seems like everything they want and do for you is all wrong. But I have discovered, despite how I may appear to them that they do care and their intentions are only in my best interest. I must admit though killing with kindness is a very present factor here. As stupid as I may be and act I know they care. To show their love, they ground my stupidity. I guess I learn from those mistakes. Parents, the two people everyone loves to hate and love to love. It�s a vicious cycle. I guess it just comes with us, the little packages of joy that transform into teenage terrors. Then we come to the realization that they always meant well. Till then, suffering is ever present, and I don�t think anyone will ever solve it. But often they are truly wrong also, for example, oh I don�t know keeping you from seeing your best friend. I am wondering what they are thinking that will accomplish? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Well unless you count forcing you to sneak behind their back to see one of your favorite people. Another thing is domestic violence. I really don�t understand what hitting does for a person? For a child it kills their self-esteem, causes them pain and tears, and they lose trust in two people who they should have full trust in. In their eyes though, they are always right. Heaven forbid they open their minds for two seconds to see they are wrong!
Love, amour, whatever you call it everyone thinks they are experiencing it, or they just merely don�t understand it. Love is defined as in the dictionary: transitory affection felt by a man or woman for one of the opposite sex. That�s it in plain English. But I think there is a bit more, I might define it as: transitory affection, emotional commitment, a connection between, a man and a woman for each other. For one reason or another people always tend to leave out the emotional part. Maybe they are afraid of the emotional commitment. But it�s all in one package. People always say they are in love when they, in reality are in what I like to call in �Like�. It�s not love; you don�t want to spend the rest of your life with them. It may be a physical attraction or an attraction to a personality. But it takes long periods of time and time together to finally realize you are in fact in love. For me, I had to be friends with the person before I was in love with them. The thing about love is, it doesn�t like to leave. It haunts you and you can�t seem to shake it�s feeling you can�t release yourself from its tight grasp. I honestly don�t think I have. What I hate about love though, is skeptical people like me that think they can judge about who is in love and when. All I can do is make generalizations about it, of how it typically works. Nobody really knows how love works, when or why. That goes with the mysteries as well, no one will probably ever know. Which means you can not criticize on who says they are.
Cheating is not a skill nor anything one should pride themselves by, this is something often abused by many people, that is if you can abuse something that was never right in the first place. Sometimes a mistake leads to a huge problems. Another good term for it is parasitism or when one person benefits while the other is harmed. Someone will always be harmed whether it be in the long run or the present time. This effect is unavoidable. Usually it starts with someone possibly of weak character, generally when they can't help themselves nor resist common human impulses. Hormones alone may drive you to want the wrong thing. But wanting is not doing and someone possibly who may not be able to control themselves may succumb to these hormones.
Why, one might ask?? Well, depending on the person it may be one of a million things. Such as the thrill and excitement of the wrong they are doing. Some people get joy out of secrecy or just their need to sin. Others may do it because they like the fact the new person is someone who, they know is wrong for them. This may excite them or turn them on. Danger can be found galvanizing. Another motive may could be they in a kind of melancholy state in their current relationship and they feel they need a change, but are not quite ready to break away. Or they plainly may not want to hurt their current partner by telling them they want to see other people. Moving on without telling them though, will hurt them just as much if not more if they find out. And I can almost promise you they will find out, they always do. Someone who is unfaithful always chooses an alibi to tell their disdainful deeds to. And just from that alone it will eventually leak out.
And to the one who has been cheating I have but one thing to say to you: You can make all the excuses in the world. But no one controls your actions but you. Therefore it doesn't matter what state you were in, how long you held back or what time you did it. Cheating is cheating and you control it. So you do it to yourself just you and no one else. Someday you'll feel what it's like and than and only will you finally know what its like to be on the other side of the story.
Abusive relationships also cause a major problem. It really plagues me to understand how one can say they love someone, when they are always breaking their heart. How they do it, well it is simple really, since they have total control they just have to say one nice thing, and the person is hooked. They will always go back, they are emotionally tied to their love. But the person on the other side is one who benefits, for many reasons. Firstly, they can get anything they want, and make the person do anything they want for them to at the drop of a hat. So one might call, them a weak individual. The party in question will never admit that. Merely, with confidence they will exclaim �You can�t choose who you love�. But one might question, when can you differentiate between what is emotional poison, and what is real love?
You can see them walk down the runway, so skinny you�d think that if they turned side ways you couldn�t see them. Things like, slipping through the cracks of the floor boards. Who are these people? These people are the models setting the trends and sending out the bad messages. Every little girl at one time or another has wanted to be a supermodel. They wanted to wear the dresses walk the walk, and be flawless and beautiful. It is actually really scary when you think about it. All these little girls modeling themselves after tall and skinny women. They are put into the mindset if they do not look like these women they are a failure. All models are tall and skinny, as much as we�d like to deny it society suspects it. They won�t except much less. Now the skinniness is where the problem comes in. Eating disorders are a very familiar subject to me. It�s not that I have one but everybody thinks I do. Why do they make these assumptions? This because I make the mold, I am characterized with the classic traits. I�m tall and skinny. I don�t eat as much as most people. Blame it on metabolism and heredity for me. The problem is those people who are purposely starving themselves or they are forcing themselves to throw up so they can be at that under one hundred pounds level. It�s really scary, the things people will do just to be skinny. It�s not even all it�s cracked up to be but that is what people tend to forget. I wonder when being yourself became a crime?
Lying, ah yes, the wonderful way to get what you want by coloring it white. But maybe the truth isn�t so virtuous, if your not hurting someone. But are you? Sometimes, the truth seems like the right thing to do, and if you don�t tell it, you are plagued by guilt. What if it came down to telling the truth, or keeping your true love? Would you really want to risk everything for a clear concise? Some might argue, no, there reasons being, �What they don�t know won�t hurt them�. Or the opposing, yes, which is �Do the right thing, get it off your mind�. Eventually, like always one will choose the right way or the wrong way. Whichever you decipher is either. But, there�s always the comfort of you could be saving someone, or something from getting hurt or ruined, or are you?
Although, your friends are supposed to hold an unconditional appreciation for you, the vast majority seems to lack it. It�s amazing how they can say �Dude, I will be your friend no matter what I really don�t care who you are friends wit because we are friends�. The reason why I called that amazing is because, when it come to you are friends with someone they dislike, they immediately snap at you � Ew, you are friends with her/him.. But look what she/he did to me!�. Well I have news for them, I�m not them. And that is really just terrible that they did such and such to you. Yeah sure you can say people don�t change. I buy into that, a leopard doesn�t change it�s spots, but they do treat each person as an individual, each with different treatment (Or at least we can hope). For example I have one friend like this, they are always preaching equality amongst friends, and lack of judgement regardless, of other relationships. Than as soon as they see, I am friends with someone they are discontent with, immediately, they try to make me uncomfortable with my decision. Like free will, choosing my own friends, is committing some sort of crime. Luckily, it doesn�t effect me, because my theory is �Practice what you preach�. That certainly isn�t it. Than another good example of an opposite of the last person, is a friend who, we both have completely different friends, which hate each other. Yet, we are still friends and we always talk about this. It makes me wonder how two people can be civil, good friends, amongst the confusion of disapproval, so simply for us, so difficult, for so many?
I hate hypocrisy more than anything but most especially when it comes to trust. People one minute can say �Oh you�re the only person I trust� and than the next minute question you about something that happened. I don�t understand why they waste the energy lying just to bring you down. If someone calls you their best friend, where do they get off questioning your actions? And usually, after one justifies themselves, they get some sarcastic disbelief back in their face. Or at least I noticed that. It�s almost like Miranda rights for life �Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law�. Only, instead of a court of law, it is amongst the people you feel most comfortable with? But you don�t have the comfort of that. Because if they are lying to you about trust, who knows what else?
Is it just me, or do the people that should matter most in your life, always seem to be the ones most neglected? I�m not exactly sure why. But I�d have to guess, you almost take their comfort for granted. Such as, if one of your best friends, say something like, you are beautiful, or sweet, and you don�t believe them. Maybe you think they are obligated to say it? And if that is so, than why do they bother to say it at all, if it is just a known fact? But if they don�t say it than who will? It has been said that the people that matter most are the only ones whose opinions should go under any account. There are always exceptions to this though. What if someone means everything to you, and you mean nothing to them? Should they still be accounted for as �Important�? Or is the statement really referring to a mutual regard, and liking? I guess the matter really can�t be answered to. But one thing is factual, and these people are most important, and should not be denied the appreciation of that. And if all is agreed in that matter, than how come it is just talk and never executed?
I hate to say today I witnessed a disgusting meat market. AKA the senior auction. I didnt like it from the first second I witnessed it. People treated as pieces of meat rather than humans, and those who were less fortunate got degraded. Things were thrown at those who were less popular, and sold at lower prices. One can only imagine what that does to someone's self esteem. It must plumet. This is what society had come to and all I can do is bow my head in shame that I am any sort of part of it.
Passion. The art of pleasure. As I sit here observing this selfish act, an anti-biblical deed, It's so against morals of the past. Yet utilizing this sin, it is a direct violation of set beliefs. It goes to show, how youth always needs to rebel. But where does this rebellion stem from? Why do children, more properly teenagers have this craving? Maybe all their life they have had to follow authority. And straightly put, are so fed up with rules. But their is a definite need for rules, everyone knows that. Even them. So, as a rebellion they indulge in selfish pleasures, maybe even too young to know what they are doing. Too young to enjoy it. It has been said that the heart knows not age. If this were true, than it can be inferred that maybe they are not breaking the rules at all. And just wanna have fun, but where is the fun in disobedience, when is it causes discordances?
And there it goes... The loss of faith...When the quidnunc, resorts to improbity. How can one conspire with the enemy, as such? When it all began as wassil, than it just got out of hand. Playing a prank, means not to breech trust, which was clearly so, established. If one must go out of the said agreement why deviate from the initial plan? Or is it wrong if it is to protect oneself? Shouldn't the second party be aware of these interrelationships? Or lie to protect themselves, from unknown embarrassment? Not one person I know is clearly impassible to these things. And as the card comes up in my tarot, of the man on his back pierced with the swords of several man, I come to see the most painful betrayal of them all. It doesn't matter how you call it, Judas kiss, deception, lying, dishonor. It still hurts the same. But it always starts as two people, and one too concerned to protect their reputation.
School always makes me feel as if I am suffocating, drowning in a sea of mindless people. It drives me crazy how most people never change. Time is supposed to bring with it maturity. None of which is seen is High School. No ever feels like they fit.....
There are several things that bother me about this town. There are several people that make this town insufferable. Its not a busy town, it�s the emptyness that kills you you every time. It�s the bordem, and the dullness, the kind that makes your blood run cold; and your mind go blank. Emptyness is a powerful thing after all. It seems to take you over by some unknown force that sucks you into the sucome to its nothingness. I fight against the empty minded ones who stare not out the window to dream, not to their paper to imagine, but to the floor, to avoid thinking at all costs. Society also has another name for these people, they fall under the category of perfect. Yes, there exterior appears so, if we forget all the makeup and other fake features pertaining to their bodies. If one was to try and figure what ran through their minds. You would find no transfer through the synapses of the brain. Their isnt even an inkling of life.. For the empty mind does not fear nor feel.. Does not think, yet breathes. It makes you wonder if somewhere deep in the untouched corners of the mind, a person lives in eternal dust.
I hate the inevitable. I hate how no matter how hard I try to learn from my past actions, no matter how hard I try to learn vicariously through others I�m doomed to repeat the same foolish mistakes. Who knows what sparks it. Emotion seems to take over your mind. I preach how I live to learn from what I�ve done. I preach, to never get myself hurt like I have previously, yet when I see myself falling into the same abyss of the past, I am unable to stop. I go through the same mindframe, �This is different� �This person is different�. I am always wrong, yet doomed to repeat, the same foolish and painful mistakes.
How to deal with a big ego. People like this generally work the same. They are the way they are, because they've been told something good about themselves for as long as they can remember. Although they appear annoying and inpenetrable, emotionally. There's a simple method, to getting them to appreciate better those around them. Your presence to them, is really the key. If you are more commanding, that forces them to take a backseat, for a while. Seeing things from the background, will make the appreciate who you really are. In short, appreciate you.