This is the entire transcript of the episode!ERIC FORMAN'S BASEMENT
The gang is hanging out. Steven is standing
tall against a wall.
Kelso: Push!Push! Come on you've got to push
it!
Steven: How much longer?
Kelso: Ten seconds. You gotta' push harder
it's not gonna' work.
Steven: This is so stupid.
Kelso: It's great you're going to love it.
Steven: I'm not NOT going to love it.
Kelso: Okay it's time. Step away from the
door.
Fez and Steven step away and "oh" in unision.
Fez: Kelso you're a genius.
Kelso: Well, well it's magic.
Eric comes down stairs carrying sodas.
Jackie: Oh my God I am so dehydrated.
Eric: Well here, (handing it to her) Piggly
Wiggly diet cream soda.
Jackie: I told you my top three choices were
tab, fresca or diet right.
Eric: Again, you get diet cream soda.
Jackie: Then I'll just have water.
Donna: You know there's a hose in the back
yard.
Kelso: I've noticed your pop selection has
really gone down hill ever since your dad got
laid off.
Eric: He's not laid off. He's just working
part time...and shut up.
Kitty walks downstairs.
Kitty: Kids kids kids kids kids kids kids.
The president is coming.
Eric: What President?
Kitty: The president of the United States.
Gerald Ford, the 36th, 8th, 40th I don't know
he's the president.
Eric: Why would Ford come to Point Place?
Jackie: Because we are a whistle stop on his
campaign trail. My dad organized it.
Kitty stops.
Kitty: Dear, the next time you know that a
president is coming to town, please give me
some more advanced notice. I need to vaccum.
Eric clean up this basement. A pie, I need to
bake a pie!
(Kitty exits upstairs)
Eric: Wow the President's coming.
Kelso: You know what we should do...that door
thing again.
Guys: (in unision)Yes!
They all run to the door
INTRO RUNS
FORMANS' DINING ROOM
Kitty, Red and Eric are dining.
Red: So how's the car?
Eric: Real good.
Red: By real good you mean you rotated those
tires like I asked you to?
Eric: Dad,don't they rotate every time I
drive?
Red: You being a smartmouth?
Eric: Yes and I'm sorry.
Red: We're having casserole again?
Kitty: Well okay why don't we not pay the car
insurance and we'll all have steak? Well just
imagine President Ford is coming here. Oh Red
we need to get rid of the oil stains in the
driveway.
Red: It's not like he's coming to our house
and if he did I'd kick him in the keister.
Kitty: Stop it. How can you say that? You
voted for Gerald Ford.
Red: Kitty, nobody voted for Gerald Ford.
Kitty: (looking at Eric) Well he's still our
President.
Red: Oh the boy's old enough to hear talk
like that. Eric, say your job was transfered
to a plant in oh I don't know who the hell
cares,are you going to vote for the guy that
made that happen.
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your
job he took Nixons.
Red: Eric? We're waiting.
Eric: Um...well, I believe that everyones
political view is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well that, that's perfect Eric. Use that
line when you run for Miss America.
SCHOOL AUDITORIUM
Principal: (making speech)Settle down and
we'll start the assembly. Now concerning the
can goods drive; motor oil is not a food.
(groans) It's not and all your booing isn't
going to make it one.Now as you all know
Preisdent Ford will be visiting our fair city
and I know that some of you near do wells
will be planning some quote/unquote "social
statement protest" .
Steven: (to the gang) I can't believe this who
cares if Ford is coming.
Eric: Well it's better than the time the
oscar mayer weeniemobile drove through.
Donna: They didn't even stop they just slowed
down and threw a bunch of weenie whistles at
us.
Steven: Two girls cruising around in a Falac
RV throwing things you blow...what a great
country.
Principal: So let me tell you another thing
Mr. or Mrs. Punk. Protesting accomplishes
nothing.
A light goes on above Steven's head.
Principal: Sure you might get a chance to
show your manhood or prove you're cool.
A light goes on above Eric's head.
Principal: But this is our President. Our
President, darn it. So no shananigans you
hear me?
A light turns on above Kelso's head.
Principal: If that's your kind of attitude
you might as well leave right now.
The EXIT light turns on above Fez's head and
he exits)
Jackie's house~
Jackie's dad is sitting with a group of men
(including Bob) discussing the arival of the
President.
Jackie and Kelso enter and Kelso helps
himself to some debbled eggs.
Kelso: Oh man, debbled eggs. Are these for
anybody?
Jackie: Hi dad, Hi Mr. Pinciotti.
Jackie's Dad: Hi pumpkin. Listen we're all
talking about a-dult stuff so why don't you
and your friend go up to your room.
Jackie and Kelso look at each other and run
out of the room excitedly.
Jackie's Dad: Now the most important part of
our rally is the townspeople's q and a
section.
Bob: That stands for question and answer to
those of you who do not know.
Jackie's Dad: This is where the people stand
up to the mic and ask a question. Now the key
is to pick the right guy, a working class man
your average joe. I guess someone you and I
would call a loser.
The lamp above Bob's head turns on. We hear
the doorbell ring...~
FORMAN'S DRIVEWAY
Bob is talking to Red.
Bob: And of course I thought of you. We want
you to ask President Ford a question.
Kitty: Aaah!
Bob: So what do you say to that?
Red: I say no thank you and I want my
crescent wrench back.
Kitty: I'll do it.
Bob: No no you keep working on your pies.
Kitty snaps the hedge clippers in the air and
exits.
Bob: Just imagine Red: you the little guy get
to have all your questions answered by the
most powerful guy in America. Take advantage
of this oportunity.
The porch light turns on above Red's head.
Red: Turn that light off.
Eric: Sorry.
FORMAN'S BASEMENT
The gang is all there.
Steven: Look guys we have to do something to
say that we will not pay homage to a corrupt
electoral system.
Fez: I know a bloody pool.
Steven: That's nice but we're looking for
something that would make our founding
fathers proud man.
Kelso: Let's streak!
Steven: Bingo!
Kelso: I've always wanted to do that--just
run butt naked through a sea of people. Be
free and shake it around. Okay who's in?
Fez: Will people be chasing us with torches
and sharp things?
Kelso: Yes.
Fez: Then I am in.
Kelso: Great! Eric, are you in?
Eric: Streaking? Well don't get me wrong I
mean I'm completely pro nudity. But I'm
afraid my dad would kill me and I'm anti-
getting killed.
Steven: There's always a huge downside to
doing something stupid. If there wasn't it
wouldn't be worth doing.
Donna: Good point.
Steven: Oh oh I could write some really great
slogan like "I hate the fuzz" on my ass.
Fez: If you hate the fuzz on your ass why
don't you just shave it off?
PINCIATTI'S KITCHEN
Bob is dressed in red stripes.
Bob: Pretty snazzy huh?
Donna: Looking good Dad.
Bob: I've got one for you too.
Midge: We're going to wear these to meet the
President.
Donna: No no way.
Bob: Honey you're missing the big picture let
me go and get the other suit.
(Bob Exits)
Donna: Mom why are you doing this?
Midge: Honey there are a lot of things I do
to make your father happy that I don't really
like.
Donna: Mom Eeww.
Midge: Not that I love that. I meant like
fishing.
(Bob enters)
Bob: See when we all wear them we look like
the American flag. (holds up suit with red
stripes and blue and white stars.
Donna: Dad I'm not wearing a striped
jumpsuit.
Bob: Oh no you're the field of blue.
Donna: Bye now.
(Donna exits)
Bob: But Donna you're part of the family. Oh
my this hurts.
Phone rings
Bob: Hello?
Red: Good news Bob I've thought about it and
I decided I WILL ask Ford a question.
Bob: OH geez Red this is good news. And I
could use it right about now.
FORMAN'S KITCHEN
Red: I'm going to ask him a question alright.
And it's going to be a damn good one!
Kitty: Red.
Red: No don't worry Kitty I'm just going to
ask him how the hell he's planning to fix the
economy.
Kitty: But he wouldn't know that Red, he's
the President.
SCHOOL CAFETERIA
The gang is sitting together all on one end
of a long table.
Fez: All this food for forty-five cents it is
unbelievable. (taste it) Oh, I see.
Steven: So Forman the rally's tonight what's
your decision?
Kelso: Yea so are you going to streak or not?
Donna: Don't pressure him.
Eric: NO I've been doing some thinking and
I'm in.
Kelso: Yes!
Donna: You guys are going to look like a
bunch of idiots.
Kelso: A bunch of naked idiots.
Eric: Guys, we must keep this quiet if my
father finds out he will nail me to the wall.
The lights dim and a light shines from Eric
a'la the Last Supper.
Jackie walks up to them.
Jackie: What are you guys doing sitting on
the same side of the table?
FORMANS' DINING ROOM
Kitty: Okay, make way for my Presidential
pies. See cherry, mockapple, blueberry. See
red, white blue it's like the beginning of
"Love American Style" in pies. See look,
honey? You're not looking.
Red: Yea pie.
Eric: Hey dad Mr. Pinciotti wanted me to give
you this.
Red: What is it?
Eric: It's your question for President Ford.
Red:But I'm working on my question for
President Ford.
Eric: Right, but this is the one that came in
the mail for you.
(Red opens it)
Red: (reading) What is your favorite parade?
This is assanine.
Kitty: Macy's?
Eric: Oh no contest.(to Red) Can I borrow
your trench coat?
Red: I can ask the president any damn thing I
want. It's my right.
Eric:I'll take good care of it and I'll bring
it back as soon as I can.
Kitty: Honey just take the coat and leave.
Red: No Eric, a man has to stand up and be
heard. I will not sit quietly by while
everything is taken away from me. They took
away my job, my stability, now they want to
take away my right to free speech.
Kitty: We still have the Toyota it gets great
mileage.
Red: Where is the America I knew as a boy?
Where? You tell me dear God, where?
(silence)
Eric: Okay I really hate being in this room
right now.
FORMANS' DRIVEWAY -
The guys are wearing
trenchcoats
Steven: Okay when the President starts his
speech here I'll blow my oscar mayer whistle
and we'll do it.
Eric: Hey did you write "I hate the fuzz" on
your butt?
Steven: Yea. Donna here's your lipstick back.
Donna: Keep it.
Eric: Did you get the masks?
Steven: Yea I got three snoopy's and one
Nixon.
Steven/Kelso/Fez: Not it!
Eric: Damn. Fez how'd you know that?
Fez: My country invented not it.
Kelso: Can we go already I'm itching to
release the hound here.
(Kitty enters)
Kitty: Oh well now look at you guys. What is
it with you young people and Columbo?
Eric: Bye.
Kitty: Bye
(guys exit)
Kitty: Aren't you going Donna?
Donna: No I don't think so. My dad wanted me
to wear this really weird jumpsuit...I just
don't think I can do it it's too embarassing.
Kitty: You know Donna my Grandmother was from
Sweden and she had this really thick thick
accent. When my graduation came I asked her
not to come because I didn't want all my
friends to hear her talk...and she didn't.
Sixteen years later she got the goute and
died.
Donna: What are you saying?
Kitty: All families are embarassing. And if
they're not embarassing then they're dead.
SCHOOL HALL TO THE AUDITORIUM
(guys enter)
Steven: Alright try to blend in okay?
Kelso sees a guy talking to Jackie.
Kelso: Hey! You're hitting on my girlfriend?
Jackie: Michael he's not.
Guy: Hey you want to go.The guy pulls off his
coat and they begin to shout. Kelso follows
the guys lead and starts to take off his
trenchcoat but Fez, Steven and Eric stop him.
Kelso(to guy as his friends pull him back:) You are so
lucky I'm naked pal!
AUDITORIUM
Midge and Bob are standing next to each other in the striped
jumpsuit. A man walks by.
Midge: There's supposed to be a field of blue right there.
Donna enters dressed in the jumpsuit and stands next to her
parents. Applause comes from the audience.
Bob: Now if we just start to sway back and forth it'll look
like the flag is moving in the wind.
Donna: Oh God.
(The guys enter)
Kelso: Hey there's another guy in a trenchcoat.
Fez: I bet he's a streaker too.
Eric: No Fez he's with secret service.
Fez (pointing:) What about that man?
Eric: Yeah.
Fez: And that man?
Kelso/Eric: Yeah.
Steven: Oh man I just thought of something. What are we
going to do after we throw off the coats? We can't come back
here and get them. Oh God I know I'll hold the coats you
guys streak.
Kelso: Oh thanks.
Eric: Thanks.
Fez: Thanks.
Kelso: I just thought of something too. We're naked and
there's a lot of dogs here maybe we should just sit down.
Eric: I'm in.
Fez: Me too.
Steven: Me too.
Man on Podium: Ladies and Gentleman, the President of the
United States of America Gerald Ford.
Gerald Ford enters and falls down repeatedly and hits his
mouth on the microphone.
LATER AT THE AUDITORIUM
Eric walks up to Donna who's back is to him.
Eric: Hey what are you doing hiding over~ (sees front of
jumpsuit) OH-kay.
Donna: Back off. I am a flag. Are you going to streak?
Eric: No we took a vote and it's anonymous. We're all very
chicken.
Donna: Too bad, I was kind of looking forward to seeing you
naked again.
Eric: Donna you've never seen me naked.
Donna: Sure I have you know when we were really little you
used to always run around the neighborhood naked screaming
"Wee wee pee pee."
Man On Podium: Which brings us to the Q and A portion
starting with Red Forman. Red is the father of two wonderful
kids and how he was able to keep them both clothed and fed
while having his hours cut back at the plant is beyond me.
But Red doesn't blame the President for his misfortune, no
sir-ee he only blames himself. I give you Red Forman.
(applause, Red walks up to the podium)
Red: Um (pause) Mr. President (long pause) I uh...I um...
(in slow motion)
Man on Podium: Coooommmee ooooonnnn Reeeedddd.
Kelso: (to Eric) Yoooouuuuurrr ddaddd is bombing...
Eric slings on his Nixon mask, pulls off his trenchcoat
which lands on top of Donna preventing her from seeing Eric
naked. He then runs into the hall.
Eric: Wee wee pee pee!
Eric runs down the aisle and out the door.
Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you
pardon Nixon?
FORMAN'S LIVING ROOM
Eric walks through front door. Red is sitting on couch.
Red: Hey son.
Eric: Hey dad good job at the ralley today.
Red: Not bad. I stumbled at the start but I think I nailed
him a good one.
Eric: Well anyway it was pretty cool.
Red: Yea well sometimes a man has to do what he thinks is
right.
Eric:I'm gonna call it a night.
Red: Good night.
Eric: Good night dad.
(Eric starts walking up the stairs)
Red: Oh and next time don't wear black socks you looked like
an ass.
FORMANS' DRIVEWAY
Eric and Donna are talking.
Donna: How could they not catch you?
Eric: I guess no one wants to tackle a naked guy.
Donna: True.
Eric: You didn't uh...you didn't see anything did you?
Donna: No..well maybe just a bit. But not a big bit.
Eric: What do you mean a bit?
