A New Hope
(The titles roll like the Star War movies.)
That '70s Show
Episode XXV
A New Hope
It's a time of upheaval
for the Formans. Red's
hours have been cut back
at the auto parts plant,
and his holiday job with
"Bargain Bob" is long
gone. Kitty struggles to
make ends meet. And
Eric is in the throes of
adolescence..which
sucks no matter what
decade it is. Am I right?
Anyway, right now Eric
and his band of rebels
are heading for a movie
theater in Kenosha....
Fez: I am so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: No man, its 'Star Wars.'
Fez: Screw that!
Hyde: Hey Forman man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space juggs I'm
gonna be super pissed.
Eric: I dunno guys, I heard it's pretty good.
Kelso: No way its better than The Planet of the Apes. Those apes were really good actors.
Eric: And then they go into this bar and there all these space creatures and then
someone makes the mistake of picking out Obi-Wan Kenobi and the takes out
his light saber and goes whoosh! Then he chops this guy's arm right off! 'Cause
it's a saber that's made out of light.
Donna: David Millbank, barf. Hey Eric, do you remember when you beat him up at the playground?
Eric: Yep, I kicked his ass.
Jackie: Wait, wasn't he the kid with scoliosis and asthma?
Eric: Yup...and I kicked his ass.
Kitty: Eric, David's here!
Fez: The scoliosis-asthma freak is here. I can't wait to see this.
Donna: What is it with you?!
Eric: Me? Donna he's hitting on you.
Donna: No he's not! We're just friends. He talks to me, listens to me, shares
ideas with me.
Eric: Oh my God, Donna you are so naive.
Donna: Eric, just 'cause a guy pays attention to me, does not mean he wants to
get me naked.
Eric: Oh grow up!
Donna: Was that why you paid attention to me?
Eric: Of course! Not. Of course not. I love your mind. That's the thing I love.
Eric: So Donna says David and her are just good friends and if I don't believe that um, then she's gonna think I don't trust her.
Fez: Eric maybe you should let David have Donna. I mean they look so nice
together.
Hyde: You see this is why you country lost the war.
Fez: My country never fought a war.
Hyde: Yeah big surprise. You know Forman, I'm a romantic, so I say you choke
him 'til his eyes pop out!
Kelso: Yeah. Hitting people's cool.
Eric: I don't know. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed.
Kelso: No man, chicks dig that stuff. I mean Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him.
Hyde: Kelso man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke. I mean she kissed him on that bridge!
Kelso: Oh! Pssht! Just for luck!
Eric: Guys, I have a real problem here!
Fez: Oh, I got it. Maybe you should let David have Donna because I mean they
look so nice together. (Eric punches him in the arm.) Ay! (Hyde laughs)
Red/Obi-wan: A Jedi's power lies in his own mi-Are you even listening to me?
Eric/Luke: Yes. Uh, you were saying...may the force be with me?
Red/Obi-Wan: No, I did not. Jedi Knight? Jedi Dumbass!
Red: Who you planning to fight?
Eric: David Millbank.
Bob: David Millbank? He's got scoliosis and asthma. (looks at Eric) You could take him.
Red: C'mon Eric, why don't you hit Kelso? I don't work for his dad.
Eric: He's making a move on Donna.
Bob: Oh no, no, Donna's not going near that pretzel boy. No, you gotta nip this in the bud Eric.
Red: Alright, the bridge of the nose is very vulnerable.
Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
Red: A banjo, Bob?
Bob: What, I'm helping!
Red: Where's he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know, but I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once. And he went down.
Red: Hitting someone with a banjo is dirty. (To Eric) You need to knee him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
Eric: (To David) Ok! You and me right now!!
Donna: Eric what are you doing?!
Eric: (Shoves David) This isn't about you Donna!
Donna: Eric Stop it!
Eric: Yeah that's right hold me back!
Donna: Eric for last time, David has no interest in me what so ever!
David: Yeah I do.
Donna: What?
David: Why do you think we've been spending so much this time together?
Donna: Because we're friends.
David: Oh come on Donna! I mean I've talked to you, I've listened to you, I've
shared ideas with you. What's that about?
Eric: I have the exact same problem. (Pointing at Donna) Yeah.
Donna: What?!
David: I don't know what it takes with women. I mean you put in all this time and
effort and they wanna be--
David/Eric: Just friends!
Eric: I know. I hate that! Man and to think I was gonna kick your ass.
David: Hey, you have every reason.
Eric: Do you hear that Donna? "Every reason."
Donna: You know what Eric, you don't trust me and you don't respect me. (She
walks away)
Eric: No. No Donna, I was just trying--
Donna: Get away from me!
David: Well it wouldn't have worked out with me and her anyway. I mea I'm not
supposed to say anything, but we're just here until my dad closes down the
plant.
Eric: Wait closes? You're dad was opening the plant full time.
David: Yeah, well they're burning off the inventory and then that's all she wrote.
Eric: My dad's depending on that job.
David: Well I guess he should've thought ahead, like my dad. (He turns to leave)
Eric: Hey. (David turns and Eric punches him in the face. He goes down.)
David: You bastard! You broke my nose!
Eric: Good!
David: (Sounding like Darth Vader) You'll pay for this Forman. Before I leave
Donna will be mine. (He exits like Darth)
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