Laurie And The Professor
Laurie: So, look at us it's just like a Norman Rockford painting. Mom's serving breakfast. Daddy's reading the newspaper and brother Eric is trying to hide a big purple, nasty hickey.
Eric: Yeah, flunking out of college can be so draining, whew!
Red: Eric!
Eric: Oh, C'mon that was so mild.
Hyde: Good morning class.
Laurie: Oh, good morning orphan.
Hyde: Morning.
Laurie: That's all you got?
Hyde: ..Whore.
Laurie: Mom, he called me a whore.
Kitty: Yeah. Steven, honey you are too young to have coffee, have some juice.
Hyde: I need coffee. You're son kept me up all night bragging about his hickey.
Donna: Did you have tell everyone about the hickey?
Eric: Well, everyone can kinda see it, vampira. Laurie had a field day at breakfast.
Hyde: Yeah, I kinda hopped on that dog pile too.
Eric: You sure did, you dill hole.
Eric: Fine, then just take your panties and go home. Man, those are my mom's! C'mon!
Hyde: Ok, Forman, man I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life but if someone touched my mom's panties--
Eric: Hyde, didn't everyone touch your mom's panties?
Fez: Kelso, did you ever notice that Laurie and Eric have the same eyes? So if you are doing it with Laurie and perhaps she's wearing a hat, it's kinda like you are doing it with Eric too. (laughs and notice he's the only one laughing) Ok
Eric: Professor, question, ah how lame exactly is your student body if you are trying to get this dumb cap back in--
Red: Eric! Don't be a smart mouth, we have company.
Jackie: Innocent? Ok, Eric no offence but your sister is as slutty as they come.
Kelso: Eric, are you gonna let her say that about your sister?
Eric: Sure
Eric: You see what's beautiful people? I finally have something on Laurie. I own her, oh yeah she is so screwed!
Hyde: Alright, man are you ready to make Laurie squeal like the family pig?
Eric: Ooh yes.
Hyde: You're gonna punk out aren't you?
Eric: Well, it is my nature.
Hyde: Look, Forman you have always been the runt of the litter. This is your chance to bite the big dog on the ass! So my advice to you is, bite the big dog on the ass.
Laurie: (Eric and Hyde review what Laurie's done to Eric) Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed. Daddy, Eric snuck out last night. Daddy, I saw Eric drink all your beer. Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate, so I flunked out of college. Daddy, Eric used up all my hand lotion.
Eric: (Eric and Hyde look at each other) Ok, that bitch is dead!
Eric: Oh, Laurie, I know something that you don't know I know, you know. Yes, yes!
Laurie: You don't know anything and if you do know something. I will make you sorry you were ever born.
Eric: For your information, I'm already sorry I was ever born.
Red: Eric.
Eric: See?
Eric: You know dad, I just saw the most interesting thing today, in the garage.
Laurie: (V.O.) Burst into flames, burst into flames, burst into flames!
Eric: It was just, just so surprising.
Hyde: Oh, Eric do tell.
Eric: I saw Laurie--
Professor: I'm in love with your daughter. (Beat) Dad!
Laurie: So, I guess I disappointed you daddy. I'm really sorry. I just wish he didn't take advantage of me and my love for education.
Eric: That is just so weak.
Red: I guess you're not the first student to be taken advantage of by a teacher.
Eric: Oh, wait, where are you going with that dad?
Red: Just try not to be so hard on yourself.
Eric: No! No! No!
Laurie: And the really sad thing is, Eric saw him kissing me today and he didn't even try to stop him.
Eric: Cause she wanted it!
Red: You knew about this and you didn't do anything? She's your sister.
Laurie: Yea, Eric, Why?
Kitty: Oh honey, you know I love you and your sister equally but if you ever get an opportunity again, for God's sake pull the trigger!
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