Battle Of The Sexists
Jackie: I'm waiting.
Eric: Forget it.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Ok...you're right Jackie, the Fonz could
beat up Bruce Lee.
Jackie: Thank you. Now Michael call me
tonight at 8 'o clock.
Kelso: But that's when Cheeko and the man is
on.
Jackie: I know. But I want you to describe it
for me. I love when you do your Cheeko
impersonation.
Kelso: I don't really think these guys want
to hear my--
Hyde/Eric: Oh yeah man sure.
Eric: Hey Kelso quick question, why can't you
date somebody less annoying?
Kelso: Pam Macy. Now she's got some knockers,
baby!
Hyde: But they're not as big as Barbara's.
Kelso: Yes they are.
Eric: You're dreaming. It's like comparing (Red enters)Exodus to Deauteronomy--both of which have taught us very
valuable lessons. Oh, hi Dad.
Red: Damn dryer's broken. Oh nuts I need my vice grips.(Red
exits)
Kelso: Have you seen Pam in a two top? It's like looking at
the grand tea tons-in a tube top.
Hyde: Look, the issue is not if Pam's are big. The issue
is are they bigger than Barbaras? Because Barbara's are
bigger than (Kitty enters) The walls of Jericho which we all
know came a 'tumblin down, right? Hello, Mrs. Forman.
Kelso: If he's like this now he'll be a total nutcase when
they close down the plant.(looking at Playboy magazine) He'sjust going to be this pathetic guy with (Red enters behind
him, Kelso oblivious) breasts the size of watermellons!!(Red
walks in front of him) Is what Moses said to the Egyptians!!
Red: Kelso, go home.
Eric: Forman has the ball he's on his feet-he fakes left--he
fakes right-- the crowd is shouting "Forman! Forman! Forman!
For--"
Kelso steals the ball from Eric and dunks it.
Donna approaches Eric.
Kelso: (leaving)I got to go it's almost 8, I've got to call
Jackie.
Donna/Eric: (imitating Cheeko) Looking good!
Kelso: Shut up!
Eric: Pinciotti has the ball. Forman guards her closely-she
tries to shake him but can't. (Donna passes Eric and dunks
the basketball)
Eric: Pinciotti actually scores! Hell freezes over, a monkey
types Hamlet!
Donna: One to nothing. Loosers out.
Donna: Pinciotti underdog up by five , she fakes right she
fakes left she fakes right she fakes faking left. She--
Eric: Donna, what are you doing?
Donna: Working out the clock.
Eric: There is no clock.
Donna shoots the ball into the hoop.
Donna: Sucker!
Donna: And that's game. Man, what a slaugher. I just wiped
the floor with you from one end to the other (slaps Eric on
the butt) Woah!
Eric: I've got to go inside but I'll leave the light on for
you, I don't want you to gloat in the dark.
Donna: Hey Eric don't you want your balls back?
Eric: Hey, now that's a little uncalled for.
Donna picks up two basketballs.
Eric: Oh yeah, thanks.
Red: Give me a hand we're going to fix this table.
Kitty: Honey honey we're eating. We're eating.
Eric: Yea dad just put a sugar packet under it.
Red: Sugar packet? That's whats wrong with this country. No
one wants to roll up their sleeves and work they're all
looking for a sugar packet solution. Well not me. I'm
getting the saw.
Eric: Mom has dad gone crazy?
Kitty: I'm afraid so, dear.
Kelso: (lighting a twig) Woah! Donna beat you in basketball?
Fez: Is this true Eric?
Eric: Yea is that a big deal?
Hyde: No of course not...unless Donna happens to be you
know a ...girl.
Kelso: Especially a girl that you love.
Fez: You know in my country if a woman beats you that makes
her want you.
Eric: Really?
Fez: Yes but this is America, wuss.
Kelso: (singing to "The Ants Go Marching") Wuss wuss wuss
wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss.
Hyde: Kelso . Kelso! Would you stop that?! (singing to
"Baseball Theme") Wuss wuss wuss wuss wuss...
Eric: Wait wait wait what about Kelso? I mean Jackie has him
totally whipped.
Fez: Whipped like the family pig.
Kelso: I am not pigwhipped. Where do you even get that
stuff?
Hyde: Are you kidding, (imitating Jackie) Michael, call me
at 8.
Eric:(imitating Jackie) Michael, do your Cheeko impression.
Fez: Michael rub oil on my thighs while I spank you.
Everyone looks at Fez funny.
Fez: Please someone else talk now.
Midge: Hello?
Jackie: (on other line) Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Midge: Donna it's for you. (hands Donna phone)
Donna: Hello.
Jackie: You beat Eric at basketball!
Donna: I beat him at basketball what's the big deal?
Jackie: Eric will never be your boyfriend if you keep
beating him at stuff. Okay it's like Westside Story, if Maria
beat Tony at one on one they would have never fallen in
love.
Donna: Yea and Tony would have never been killed in that
knife fight.
Jackie: And neither will Eric if you're not careful.
Donna: No don't worry about it someone will stab Eric. Bye!
Midge: No I mean rules change. Women have to feel weak and
fragile so men can feel superior.
Donna: That's insane. If women never stand up for themselves
then men will always control the world.
Midge: Oh honey men don't control the world.
Bob: Okay I've got to go.
Midge: Honey will you open this jar for me?
Bob: Sure thing. (opens it)
Midge: Oh I'm so lucky to have my big strong grizzly bear
around.
Bob: Rooarr! (Kisses Midge)
Donna: First of all..yuck! Second of all things don't even
work that way anymore. That's what the equal rights
amendment is for.
Midge: That's good honey you stick to your principles. In
forty years from now you can tell all your cats how you won
a basketball game.
Hyde: Hey the movie starts in five minutes lets go.
Kelso: I can't.
Hyde: Wuss.
Kelso: Jackie hold on (stupidly puts his hand over thehearing part of the reciever instead of the microphone) Okay
I'll tell her there's an emergency and I've got to go.
She'll buy that, right?
Hyde: Yea except for one thing. (puts Kelso's hand over the
microphone)
Donna: Want to play air hockey?
Eric: With you? Uh I really want to but I'm tired and my
wrist hurts and I think I'm coming down with the flu.
Donna: Well it's just as well I'm really bad at it.
Eric: You know one game's not going to kill me.
Donna: Have you been practicing?
Eric: Well, a little.(throws ball to Donna)
Donna starts dribbling pathetically. Eric steals the ball
and dunks it.
Donna: My goodness what a supershot.
Eric: Donna what are you doing?
Donna: I'm ...loosing to you you big strong grizzly bear.
Eric: You're intentionally throwing the game.
Donna: The game?
Eric: Donna!
Donna: I don't want you to feel bad about loosing to a girl
again.
Eric: Well, thanks because being pitied is so much better.
Donna: God, I can't believe what this means to you all I did
was beat you at a few lousy games.
Eric: A few? Try two, you beat me at two lousy games. And I
don't care so please leave my property.
Donna: As long as you don't care. (throws him the ball)
Kitty: So I gather you and Donna are going through a rough
patch.
Eric: No mom we're in a school play about two people who
hate each other.
Kitty: Okay Mr. Smartmouth but when you get to be older
you'll realize that loosing a game to your girlfriend is not
the end of the world.
Eric: What are you doing?
Donna: Oh just shooting some hoops waiting for an apology.
Eric: Oh well when you think of one I'd be glad to hear it.
Donna: Okay I'm sorry I called you a jerk.
Eric: Yea I'm sorry too.
Donna: Okay look maybe we shouldn't play basketball anymore.
Or any games for that matter.
Eric: Yea end of an era huh?
Donna: Hey remember when we were eight and I beat you at
wrestling. That was fun.
Eric: Donna you sat on my chest and made me eat a klump of
dirt.
Donna: Alright, screw it, you want to just play?
Eric: Hey you're not going to make me eat a klump of dirt
again are you?
Donna: We'll see.
Eric: Forman has the ball-he fakes left he floors past
Pinciotti.
Donna: And Pinciotti leaps on his back (she tackles him)
They begin to fight over the ball.
Eric: What? You want some of this?
Donna reaches to the dirt.
Eric: What are you doing?
Donna: Reaching for a clump of dirt.
Jackie: Oh I just love romantic movies don't you.
Fez: Say Yes I do.
Kelso: (Into Phone) Yes I do.
Jackie: You know what was really romantic was when we went
skinny dipping by the reservoir. Do you remember that?
Fez: Say no describe it to me.
Kelso: No describe it to me.
Jackie:Michael you're so bad. Alright...the water was really
cold so when I dove in-well you know.
Fez: No I don't know.
Jackie: MICHAEL!!
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