Eric: So. This is what it's like to not be a virgin!
Donna: Yeah. So�how are you?
Eric: Good. How are you?
Donna: Good!
Eric: Good.
Donna: Good.
Eric: It was good! (pause.) Right?
Donna: I can honestly say, the best I've ever had. Was I good?
Eric: Were you good? Donna, you know how my mom's all over my back to write thank you notes and I never do, well, trust me, you're getting a thank you note.
Donna: Ok. (She stands up.) We better get back downstairs before people start wondering where we are.
Eric: Right. Oh! And we're gonna need a cover story, so�yeah, let's just tell 'em all we had sex.
Donna: No!
Eric: Yeah, I know, I'm kidding, uh�we'll say we went out for ice, because�we needed to cool down from having sex!
Donna: Maybe I should do the talking.
Eric: Yeah, well, you know, try to work it in somewhere that we had sex, in conversation, if it comes up. Gra-uh-gracefully! Jackie: All right. Tell me everything.
Donna: No.
Jackie: Come on, Donna, we're supposed to be friends. Aren't we friends?
Donna: Well, yeah.
Jackie: Ok, then. So. What'd it look like?
(Donna rolls her eyes)
Donna: Jackie!
Jackie: Ok, we'll come back to that one. So how was it?
Donna: Jackie, I don't really wanna talk about it.
Jackie: Oh. That bad, huh?
Donna: No, no, no. It was great. It just wasn't what I expected. I don't think we did it right.
Jackie: So Eric's not good?
Donna: It was more like�like neither of us was good.
Jackie: Donna. It's not up to the woman to be good.
Donna: I dunno, Jackie. I mean, I love Eric, but when the moment came, it was just like, awkward. And weird. And�.I dunno, I just felt so far away, you know.
Jackie: No. But go on!
Donna: I mean, during it I just remember thinking, you know, this it it? This is what everyone�
Jackie: Everyone what?
Donna: That's as far as I got.
Jackie: Oh. See, that's the problem.
Donna: That's not the problem.
Jackie: Oh, trust me, that's a problem.
Donna: Ok, you know what Jackie? Everything's fine. Just don't tell anyone about this, ok? Kelso: Eric and Donna had sex?
Jackie: Yeah, yeah. And Eric wasn't good at it.
Kelso: Wow. Really. That's great! Hyde: I think that maybe Forman and Donna finally made the beast with two backs.
Fez: The Backasaurus?
(They just stare at Fez.)
Hyde: So?
Eric: Well, Hyde, I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no, but...I'm especially not saying no.
Hyde: Thank god, man, I'm telling you, I couldn't deal with one more week of that will they, won't they crap.
(Kelso bursts through the door.)
Kelso: Hey.
Hyde: Hey.
Kelso: What's going on?
Hyde: Donna made Forman a man.
Eric: Oh, yeah, she did.
Kelso: Really? So. How was it?
Eric: Well�boys�I tell ya. It was as if, in that one magic moment, the two people, Donna and Eric, ceased to exist. And were replaced instead by one perfect being. Donnric Formsciotti.
Kelso: So. Eric, you're saying it was good?
Eric: Kelso, was Michaelangelo's creation of Adam good?
(Kelso just stares at him, not understanding.)
Eric: Yes, Kelso, it was good.
Kelso: So, well, my first time, Jackie called me the Apollo rocket of live. What kind of rocket were you?
Eric: Where're you going with this, Kelso?
Kelso: Nowhere. (Pause) Except Jackie said you were totally lame in the sack!!!
Eric: (Disbelief) Jackie said?!?
Kelso: Yeah. Donna told Jackie and Jackie told me. Oh! But you can't tell Jackie I told you 'cause she'd get pissed.
Fez: It's okay, Eric. Maybe sex isn't your thing.
(Eric drops his face in his hands, completely mortified.)
Kitty: A motorcycle?
Red: Don't you love it?
Kitty: (sarcastically) Of course I do, Red. What woman wouldn't?
Red: Oh, you hate it.
Kitty: (Brutally honest) Of course I do, Red! What woman wouldn't? Red, I thought, I thought we would get something we both would enjoy, like a, a necklace!
Red: But this is much better than a necklace!
Kitty: How?
Red: Well, it's�not a stupid necklace! (Kitty is frustrated and walks back in the house.) But it's shiny!
Donna: (To Eric) So�what's new?
Eric: Well, turns out I'm really lame in the sack, what's new with you? (He tosses the comic aside and stands up.)
Donna: W-what?
Eric: Oh, it's all the news. Jackie told Kelso and, Kelso told all of us, so, sorry I'm "lame in the sack."
Donna: I never said that. I said it felt awkward and weird.
Eric: Oh. (He places his hand over his heart, and waves his hands as if to say, "that fixes everything.") What a relief. You could've told me!
Donna: How am I supposed to tell you something like that?
Eric: I don't know, how 'bout, hey Eric, you're awkward and weird!
Donna: You know what? That's the problem. We did this really huge thing and now I feel like I can't even talk to you about it!
Eric: Well, god knows you can talk to Jackie.
Donna: I knew this was gonna happen.
Eric: What?
Donna: I knew that once we did this, everything would change, and damned if it didn't.
Eric: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should never do it again. (sits on couch)
Donna: (Leaving.) Great. Hyde: Forman, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna. And after hours of serious consideration�it still makes me laugh.
Kelso: Hey. Ya leave Eric alone. All right? He's our friend. And he needs our help, in this his most desperate hour. I'm with yo, buddy, Semper Fi!
Eric: Gee, Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh, Maybe it's because the "Apollo rocket of love" blew up all over the launch pad? Kitty: Oh, screw the damn kids. Oh, Red, I have worked double shifts all year, I deserve this. I want my hog. (She laughs again.)
Red: You know, Laurie might not even get married.
Kitty: Maybe Eric'll get a scholarship to college.
Red: Oh, hell, he might be too stupid to even get in college!
Kitty: Well, Red, we can only hope!
Eric: See, Donna, everything you and I do is a mess. At first. I mean, face it, we're just a couple of goons here. (They laugh) The first time we kissed, the first time we went out...
Donna: The first time I let you get to second.
Eric: Exactly. (Considers, then confused) Wait, what'd I do wrong then?
Donna: (laughing) God, it was like you were tuning a radio. Donna: Ok, so, I guess what you're saying is, we need practice?
Eric: And lots of it! Yes!
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