But I suppose I really did lose sight of the topic I was covering a moment ago, didn't I? Then allow me to back up if you will. Life is difficult no matter who you are. There are always going to be problems that face you and situations that arise which you will be personally responsible for figuring out how to uncross frazzled wires with. I know I don't have room to stand on whereas complaining is concerned, for many people's lives are much more difficult and saddening than mine, but just the same I'm as human as anyone else and, therefore, can't help but do my fair share of complaining.
There's only one problem with my complaining: So many people around me come to me with their problems that there's no one left whom I feel I can bother with my own problems, so I more often than not tend to leave them burried in my mind and push them back to deal with another day. But when another day comes, more people are talking to me about what's going on and yet again there's no way to get out what's going through my mind. I don't quite know when things got this pressure-filled; college life will be just as bad as this is I suppose considering that, once I"ve gotten settled into my dormroom life, people will expect me to make the best grades of anyone they know and to pass the classes 100% in order to make them all proud of my accomplishments. It's funny, but I don't know when my personal goals became more of their goals than my own. Everyone wants to see me graduate ASU and become a teacher--it's my dream, becoming an educational aid, isn't it? Recently, however, it's become a burden to think about because I know so many people are dying to see that happen. I can't stand the idea of letting them down or making them feel upset.
All of my aspirations and dreams have become their aspirations and dreams. None of them are mine anymore, but instead, belong to everyone else that knows me. They mean the best, I know, becase they're my friends and family and they would never wish me harm. I just don't think they realize how much pressure they're placing upon me to balance out my personal life, an academic life, social life, and to deal with their problems as well as the ones I have that are rapidly coming to my attention. What's a bit unnerving is that those problems, I'm starting to noice, were always there--I've simply never had the time to deal with my problems due to everyone else talking with me about -their- situations. I do my best to help others out but I can only do so much without breaking down and cracking every now and then.
When did my life become their little puppet show? And why the hell am I the only puppet while the people I know are the ones pulling all my strings and making me dance in a twisted show for them? I don't even -like- to dance!
I don't even remember why I began trying to make everyone happy anymore. I know there was some sort of motivation or reasoning behind the idea of doing so. However, if I can remember what that reason was, I'll be damned.
I strive constantly to maintain good relations with everyone and to prevent myself from looking incompetant. What I tell everyone, and what I'd give almost anything to believe, is that I don't care what those who aren't close to me think about my style, personality, and habits (both good and bad). In truth, I do care very much about all that. Who I am and what I do is my business and what other people think about me doesn't matter as long as I'm happy with myself. That's the philosophy I've claimed to live by for a very good part of my life. Recently, however, I'm finding that comment a little bit harder for even myself to believe. I used to be so very good at fooling myself into believing whatever I told myself, but now it's just an empty lie. I love pleasing others so much that I've lost the real me behind all these impersonations of who others want me to be. Some people even have caused me to come up with two different masks and fuse them together to be who they wish for me to. Others only require one, while still other people require up to five which, to be honest, is difficult to keep track of and even more staggering to bear the weight of.
Now I'm beginning to wonder why I'm even trying to please myself, much less everyone around me. I don't want to be who they want me to be; I wanna be just who I am: Me. But as long as everyone cares so much about me and still requires so much from me, even if just one person does so, I can never really just live for myself; I'll always be living for someone else. It would be nice to have a reason to be here that exists just for me, not anyone else. At this rate it wouldn't matter very much to me either way if I died or lived for another day. Everyone must die eventually and I'm no different. There's no point in living a lie if it doesn't benefit you in some way, however small, even if that one way is that you know it makes others happy. Now it's not even making me happy to know the people around me are experiencing joy...It just makes me want to pop their happy bubble. I just have too many people living in my head.
And here Raine thought she had personality and mental/emotional issues. Oh if she only knew how many people are living in my head now-a-days because of put on me by others as well as myself over things as tiny as a story I came up with the idea for that's dying in popularity by the day to academic problems. It's mostly the fault of those voices I enjoy as many twisted things as I do. For example: I love the end of Romeo and Juliet, where the two lovers die. I don't like it because it's romantic, as many other people do, but because they die and can no longer spew their happy nonsense about the chemical reaction of the brain known by morons and believers as love.
Quite obviously, I'm sadistic, and anyone who knows me could tell you that fact of my nature. It's almost always burried underneath my most common mask when I'm in public around people that don't know me (I don't want anyone's first impression of me to be of a person who would kill them as soon as look at them), but it's always there waiting for its chance to spring into action. I'm quite the cynist as well.
Aren't I such a pleasant person? I not only laugh at the expense of other people, I'm also the cause of some of their suffering when the inner Cynic and Sadist grow too large for me to control.
I was going to go home tonight, but mom decided to say, "No, you should take Eugene's offer and work those six hours tonight. You need practice on doing the close-out anyway and since Tommy's not there anymore you should be able to do it." ...That means shit to me. One, I was coming home tonight to have the weekend with my family. Two, the system is set up differently so the paperwork is ten times different from the other stores'--even mom couldn't do this one. Three, I wish mom would stop trying to "worry about me and trying to make me go out to the caffeterias on campus to eat" but yet not worrying because "I need to take care of myself more." I wish she would make up her mind...
Everything feels empty and devoid of meaning now...Somebody help me please...
I have two chapters on a bullshit story about Malice Mizer done...I wonder if anyone will actually read them besides me? Probably not, but just the same, it's fun to write the story and read it later. The scanner/printer/copier combo mom bought me for college has been of good use recently. I was scanning pictures from my sketchbooks onto the computer so I could post them in random places to see if anyone likes them and they look even better on the computer screen than they did on paper! Except for one of course, but at least all the others were good enough to pass my inspection, ne?
My work schedule for this week goes as follows: Today from 3 - 11, then Saturday from 4 - 9. I have a ride coming for Saturday, it's Aaron and Chris, but for today, I have to find a ride hme soon. At any rate, I just saw a blinding flash of lightning from outside the window. And here comes the thunder. I wish the storm would stop; I truly hate thunderstorms when mom's not here to cuddle me up and give me security and protection. I always feel safe around her...Or at least I wish the internet connection would stop going out as often! This is just frustrating...I have things to do online and projects to check out.
Speaking of projects, though, I have two to worry about now (both from where I skipped what I should have done when it was originally due). One's a paper for Art Introduction (which I have to go to the art gallery where my class is held tomorrow before work or else on Friday and find a painting that inspires thoughts, feelings, or etc. in me and write a paper on it. I also have to be able to explain what a vitreograph is for that same class) and I have a project for Freshman Seminar to make up that I missed when I skipped that one day. The professor said I could sign up to go to Open House with another class to make it up, yes, but I'd rather have gotten it over with that day. Perhaps I shouldn't have skipped...Oi.
Unfortunately, I didn't exactly read everything I was supposed to in Introduction to Sociology or World Civilization I, so I'll be doing a lot of cramming for the history test when we have it and I didn't do as well as I'd hoped on my ItS test. Then again, I have extra credit stored in that class and I'm currently working on trying to build more up by doing papers and watching moies to report on with.
MP is dead, SBO is sleeping, and while all of that's being put away for a bit, Zeea and I are now working together on my new series called Halloween High which stars a spooky-ish, human-sized doll named Emily Rosen. We're coming up with humorous skits for it and she's contributed two new characters as well, which I do deeply appreciate. As it stands she's going to help me work on the script since I know she writes a lot of funny stuff. Regardless that it focuses around Halloween creatures, it's not scary--mostly that's true because it focuses on those characters as teenagers which means they aren't quite as frightening as they are all grown up. How did I come up with the idea for this? ...Would you believe I was listening to "This is Halloween" from The Nightmare Before Christmas and a perfect image of Emily Rosen flashed into my head along with a good title for the series she could be in? I hope so, because that's exactly what happened.
Well, as of about two hours ago, I officially got off of working a ten-hour shift at the busiest gas station in town. OI! To make matters worse, today was the day of a game played by my uniersity on their turf...ANd they won 40 to 0 last time I heard. That's probably why we were't quite as busy as we had expected--because the victory was so absolute that there wasn't much interest in watching the struggle between scores. What struggle -was- there between scores? We were going to win overwhelmingly and everyone knew it, which took away from the need to drink during it because it wasn't quite as interesting. Thank God! But still, we were busy, and I was on my feet almost eleven hours by the time mom and I had let KJ (my big sister figure) take a few minutes to sit down (she has to work 13 hours tonight, the poor thing, and her hips were sore already by the time we had gotten there to visit!). Hey, she deserved a break! It was only fair, after all, since we -were- both employees of the same gas station company she was and since we -are- friends with her and all, ne?
Meanwhile, there's been a creature visiting my dorm room the past couple of nights. I can't describe what it looks like well enough so I drew a picture of it and it's now scanned onto the computer and saed to my Photobucket.Com account on the image of Emily Rosen and her beefed up form. I named the cute, but creepy-looking, Buffu. It grns all the time and has really sharp teeth, and it just kind of stars at you and its eyes watch you move when you cross the room while its head remains motionless. It's like I said: Creepy. I don't know, though, maybe I'm going crazier--my roommate couldn't see it, and neither could a couple of othe random dormmates of ours when I asked them about it. When I first saw it, it came over and flopped down on my feet and then went over and slept at my roommate's feet for a little bit before coming back over and sitting down on my green pillow and gnawing on one of my plushies (poor Kakashi-sensei! *cries*).
On the 22nd I get new glasses...Yay I'll be able to see! Thank Heavens...Anyway I'm going to leave now; my dinner/breakfast is almost ready to eat now and I don't want it to get cold. Wish me luck on my education and on my series (as well as work and my art test coming up)!
My ankle hurts even worse than it had been, now, and it's my right one to boot. On the good side of this it's Friday, and I can go home today as well as Sunday again. I have a test in World Civilization I on Wednesday, and I don't know when exactly I have one in Introduction to Sociology; I just know that I do, indeed, have one. I think she said it'd be today or this Monday or so. I have to read the chapter for it...I also have to catch up on my reading for World Civ. I; that shouldn't take too much time to do though...At least I hope it won't.
I do truly wish classes were over and that I had my degree already; I could go ahead and start teaching, so my day would be at least a bit similar to my high school life. In truth I just haven't completely adjusted to college life yet, even if the work load is a bit easier to handle now. -.- Remind me to look up new dates and etc. for art class assignments such as the project grades and everything...
Life can be difficult more often than not, and I'm beginning to really become aquainted with that fact. And, Gods, do I ever really hate that. *sighs* It's been a long time since I've updated this thing, and believe you me, I realize now that that was a mistake. A lot of things have happened since then, and oi, I should ave recorded them here. I really should have. I got my new CD's today, the ones from BMG. Anyway, that's enough stalling...
"And these girls like these boys like these boys like these girls; the girls with the bodies like boys with Feraries..." I've noticed that that's true with most girls who get dated. Sadly. That means that, the rest of us who aren't that shallow, are left behind to rot away and to drown in our tears. I want someone who loves me that I love back just as much, and I refuse to add "if not more" because that's usually the case with guys I like--I like them and they don't like me anywhere close to the way that I do them. I hate love, you know, so why do I waste my time trying to make it so enjoyable when that's not possible?
Then, there's college. I'm afraid I won't do well or do something I need to. Dear, Gods, I'm insecure. More so than I ever thought I was. And I realize that maybe college isn't exactly what I was hoping it would be, and it's definitely not the personality shock I was hoping it would be. There are still preps, people are still stupid enough to drink and smoke and etc. underaged, and to brag about doing so, and still I haven't found anybody for me. I'm even too shy to make friends with people besides the very few classmates who understand that I'm just shy, not stuck up. It hurts...I'm just scarred from Ashley and everybody else who's done things to help to increase my insecurity, and I don't want to get hurt. I'm kind of like Kisa in that sense; she was so afraid she'd get hurt again by the people around her that she was always silent. Some people might have thought she was stuck up or snobby, and I can't handle the idea that people think that of me...But...I don't think I could handle what people might say or do if I said or did what I really want to even 1/5th of the time.
"When I sing about my past, it's not a gimmick--not an act." "And if I make it through today, will tomorrow be the same? Am I just running in place? And if I stumble and I fall, should I get up and carry on, or will it all just be the same? Because I'm young and I'm hopeless; I'm lost and I know this. I'm going nowhere fast--that's what they say. I'm troublesome, I'm bothered; I'm agry at my father--it's me against this world, and I don't care." But I do...And it really hurts to care sometimes, ne? I think my new nickname -is- going to be Kisa to be perfectly honest. Because, even though she probably knows for certain at least certain people wouldn't hurt her, she's too afraid of the chance that if she lets down her guard, she -will- get hurt again. So she puts up the front of silence and braveness, even if it's a slight front of being brave and strong, so that they can't get underneath her shield to hurt her more than she already is. Of course, that also means that she wouldn't talk about what was wrong, either. But, she would try to defend those she cared about like she did for Tohru when Hiro was picking on her; she went and got Momiji. The only bad thing about that is, I'm also Momiji. Because he has a problem with his mom, and I have one with my dad. He's also brave, puts up a strong front, and is very hurt about his mother's words to him like I am over my father. Could you even call him a father to me? Then again, I was also born in the year of the Rabbit, and my personality and interests match his perfectly to the tee. Robin has a situation with her mom, and is a Rabbit, too. But, she doesn't have the -exact- same personality traits. And she talks more about what's wrong than I do, just like Momiji. So, I guess that really, I'm just a mixture of them. Momisa or Kimiji? I like both names...
"Hey, dad, I'm writing to you not to tell you that I still hate you, just to ask you how you feel and how we fell apart--how this fell apart. Are you happy out there in this great wide world? Do you think about your sons? Do you miss your little girl? When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night? Do you even wonder if we're alright? But, we're alright; we're alright. It's been a long hard road without you by my side; why weren't you here all those nights that we cried? You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life; it's not okay, but we're alright. I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes, but those are just a long, lost memory of mine. I spent so many years learning how to survive, now I'm writing just to let you know we're still alive. The days I spent so cold, so hungry, were full of hate--I was so angry. The scars run deep inside this tattood body; there's things I'll take to my grave. But I'm okay--I'm okay. (Chorus.) Sometimes, I forg*et/ive?*. Yeah, and this time, I'll admit that I miss you; I said I miss you. (Chorus.) And sometimes, I forg*et/ive?*. And this time, I'll admit that I miss you--I miss you. Hey, dad..." And do I even need to explain that? Gods almighty, I'm the only one of three children my father doesn't want--I'm the middle child and yet he wants my older half-sister and younger half-brother, but not me. What's wrong with me? I actually started crying about The Patriot when the father was so worried about his children and hurt by his daughter's coldness towards him. It hurt to see him care so much for her. I want my dad to care about me that much--so much that he's willing to love me regardless of anything I say or do, or don't say or don't do, and to be willing to give his life for me, and to be willing to get revenge for me if anything happens. But he's too cold to me to care...And that fact hurts so much...There's just so much going on that I want to talk about out loud, but I'm afraid to. I don't want to sound emo, even though it wouldn't be, really, because it'd just be saying everything that's been bottled up for a long time. I want to talk about my father issue, but I don't want medicine for it and I don't want mom to find out I'm hurt by his absence; she'll be so sad...I don't want her to feel like she didn't do all that she could, or that she messed up somehow...Or that I'm not happy with her...Because I am, I really am very happy with her; she's the best mother I could ever ask for, but, I just need to see my father. I've seen everyone talk about how good and loving their father is, or how cruel he is to them, but their fathers are at -least- still in their lives. The way it is now, my father seems to pretend I don't exist. I know he knows that I do, but he doesn't really care. He wouldn't have even paid child support if the law hadn't forced him. Even if other people's fathers sometimes abuse them physically or verbally, their fathers are still in their lives; mine isn't, and I feel that absence every holiday and Fathers' Day. As well as every other day on the calendar, but mostly around those days. My grandfather's been a wonderful father-like figure, but I need the real thing. It hurts...I'd even accept a substitute if mom were to suddenly start dating, so long as I have one person in my life who's close to my mom like that who would be nice and care about both of us. Not just sex, like my dad apparently wanted when mom told him he could see me but that she didn't want anything to do with him like that when he never replied to her again, but...Gods, I'm crying over Good Charlotte. Damnit all...
Gods that song brings up things I don't want to remember...It hurts so badly to even think about in passing that I can't hardly stand it. I feel like such a fool for crying over an anime movie, let alone that it's one I know she'd probably have loved if she saw it, and that it reminds me of her so much. An utter fool--worse than, even. Crying won't do anything for it. Hey--why did I suddenly start thinking about her so much, anyway? I don't remember when or why I first started remembering our times together, come to think of it. I just know that, now that I have, she won't leave my mind. Is this punishment for something I did or didn't do? Something I might or might not have said, that I should or shouldn't have? Everyone's trying to get my mind off of it, but, I can't seem to let their words help as much as I'd like them to. The people who know I've felt like this don't know I still do, or if they do, they have no idea how badly. Each time they try to cheer me up I let on like it's helping, hoping they'll feel better than they would if they knew it wasn't. I know the people who care about me don't want to see me in this condition, so I can't help but not let them see it--not when they're so happy, or at least seem to be, and not when (in some cases) so many good things are in their life that they don't deserve to let me drag them down.
Why can't I just tell everyone? And I do mean everyone, because even my family doesn't know about it. I know I'd still be accepted for it, and they wouldn't think too badly of me if they knew I still feel this way--or did at all; there's no reason for them not to! They care so much that it'd be stupid to think they wouldn't still if I did tell them, especially over something involving emotions of such strength as these...Damnit all...
Maybe my downfall in this situation, what put me in this place in the first place, was caring too much about the way she thought about me. Maybe it's because I tried so hard to be the friend she could tell everything to that I never once thought about the chances of my possibly wanting it to be more--maybe I blocked it out to try and keep things as tight as they were with us, because I valued her friendship and wanted her to think well of me. She'd just had a relationship problem with someone she talked to, and no matter the reason it was over, I didn't want to bring anything like it up. She felt miserable about it because it hurt the other person as much as it did her to have to leave them for a circumstance I won't say even here. So the best thing I could do was keep her mind off of it as much as possible...To try to brighten her spirits as much as I--
...Sore ga...
hat's where my obsession of trying to be funny and oddball when people are down or seem like they're going in a direction that will upset them came from...If I can't cheer them up or divert the process by other means, I do everything in my power to try and make them laugh at least a little to help a bit; I even do it to myself now and then, and that's why things bottle up so much (aside from the fact that I don't want to bother people with what's going on in my life when they've all got their own problems that are so much more important)...I'd never noticed that fact before until I put it down here, but, I di it with her all the time. That's why I do it so much now...It's a lingering habit...One that, apparently, does everyone else a lot of good most of the time when I use it on them, and more harm than good to me when I do it to myself. Gods almighty, if I'd known it would come out that way I probably would've tried another method. Duo, that's a lie; what about your motto, "I may run and I may hide, but I never tell a lie"? Well, I don't lie to other people when it doesn't involve how I'm feeling. And even if I do, it never lasts long--as I just proved. Gods, damnit. I can't even lie to myself for that long. *sighs*...I would've used the same method because it always made her feels so much better. It's always others before me, and that's probably part of why her going affected me as much as it did, and still does...
What I wouldn't give to speak to her again. Even if she hated me, I'd like to tell her all of this, plus everything I've left in other posts...If only just once...It'd hurt to know she hated me if she did, or even if she didn't and just felt awkward around me, but at least she'd be there to tell. I could live with that, I really could...I swear, last night after the connection died was the first time I've sat outside on the roof watching the sun go down in a -LONG- time. Usually I go out walking for a while. If it says anything, I only ever did that when things were really confusing or worse than usual. Or, as much as I hate to say it, when some of the darker ideas went through my head, even though I wouldn't go through with them.
It would be nice to say some of this to one of the people around me that means a lot right now, because it feels kind of disloyal or disrespectful to them not to. I'm sure they know part of why I feel so down about the subject at least, but it'd be nice to say something about it without seeing them get this look like they just got stung by a bee. It's always very slight, so it's hard to notice and I think at times they don't notice they do it, but it's always there when the subject comes up. So I avoid it as much as possible. I can't blame them, because I know I do it now and then whenever a certain subject of theirs comes up. It's a two-way street, but it doesn't mean the brushings don't still at least scratch both cars. Speaking of...Being a replacement sucks. It sucks even worse when most of the people around you, and you, know it, and they don't even seem like they notice that's what they're needing you for. Well, what can ya do about that? Adjust, pretend, and act. Just like with most of the others...Actually, come to think of it, I give off a lot of signals that I know that's what the situation is, don't I? A lot of the time whenever the other person's mentioned, even if the important someone to me isn't around, my replies about it get subtly bitter. If I bring the subject up, it's always with a kind of dejected undertone, and I try to group the person in with that other one more often than with me or people here that I know when it comes to some situations. It's kind of funny, considering I know a of two more people who do the same thing. One of them it's obvious why, and the other I'm not so sure about--he doesn't really talk about it much to me. Then again he's quiet most of the time, anyway, so that's to be expected.
Either way, I really miss Her and it hurts to think about for long. Now, I'm off to go sit on the roof for a little bit.
-Saturday, August 12, 2006; 8:29 p.m.-
"MOTIVATION IS LACKING--THE POINT STARTS TO FADE..."
Mm...Was there a reason I was even bothering to please everyone anyway? When did I become such a perfect angel that was so incapable of messing up in the eyes of anyone? When did I decide I wanted that to be the way people saw me: Invincible, strong, personable, cheerful, free-spirited, wonderful at everything they attempt...When did the urge to please people become so cumbersome that now I don' even want to please myself anymore?
-Sunday, August 13, 2006; 8:14 p.m.-
"I LOOK TO THE BOTTOM--STILL EMPTY, STILL THE SAME..."
Is it possible to feel any crummier than I do right now? My stomach is bugging me a little bit, my finger hurts where I did -something,- I don't know -what,- to it, the left corner of my left eye is in pain whenever I touch it, I feel sleepy even though I had at least eight hours of sleep, I'm itchy and shy, and I'm not sure about what I'm doing even though I follow others' lead. I know I shouldn't, especially now that I'm in college, but I can't help it...I don't know what the hell it is that I'm doing by myself and mom isn't willing to help me anymore. Doesn't she realize other college students' parents are helping them out, too?
-Monday, August 28, 2006; 8:03 a.m.-
"I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SHOW ME THE WAY..."
I recently pulled up some guts I didn't knowI even had and told Chris I like him as more than just a friend or a brother figure. I'm not sure how I managed to get up the courage for it but I did...It felt a little awkward while doing it, but after it was over with and when the subject was changed by me very quickly after being brought up, it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would have been. I'm still waiting for his answer about it though, not that I expect it to go the way I think I want it to. Nothing usually does where romance is concerned.
-Thursday, August 31, 2006; 1:11 a.m.-
"TO THE PATH THAT I MUST TAKE..."
...The Open House event didn't quite make it. Neither did the GIC event, nor the post card I was supposed to due. Man, at this rate I'm so going to fail. ^^; However! I did manage to get my newest art project, called My Life as Line, finished! This Monday, I have an art exam to take and I rather look forward to it, believe it or not...For the most part. I'm reading over the chapters we were assigned to read during the time we studied it so I make sure to remember important details and I took inventory of everything that will be on the test so that I know what to study more closely on.
-Sunday, September 17, 2006; 12:44 a.m.-
"IT'S JUST TOO REAL TO GO AHEAD AND FAKE..."
I finally got a fake ID and it happened when I was working with mom last night. The amount I get paid in a reward check should be either $75 or $153 after taxes, dependant upon how they split it between she and I. It was a good fake, too, because all that was altered was the birth date--he was a minor trying to buy beer, so I handed it to mom and she helped to turn him down and then called the police and Eugene to alert them as to what had happened. After the situation was over with, she was quick to call Keiji and let her know about it so that she could congratulate me...And when I get home I can look forward to yet another congratulations as well from my family members. I have homework over the weekend, and by the way, I have to let everyone know I can go to the homecoming dance tonight to meet with Zeea and Aaron so we can hang out. I'm behind in my work again but I can catch up on that pretty easily enough...I just have to stay away from the internet for a bit, which may sound easy enough until you remember how much I like talking to the friends that I have online.
-?-
"YEAH, ALRIGHT 'CUZ I DON'T FEEL SO RIGHT..."
"It's a new day, but it all feels old; it's a good life--that's what I'm told. But everything, it all just feels the same. At the high school, it felt more to me like a jail cell--a penatentury. My time spent there, it only made me see that I don't ever wanna be like you--I don't wanna do the things you do. I'm never gonna hear the things you say." That's such a very true statement. Things always felt day-to-day; like I'm going through the motions. "Go to college--a university. Get a real job--that's what they said to me, but I could never live the way they want. I'm gonna get by and just do my time out of step while they all get in line. I'm just a minor threat so pay no mind. Do you really wanna be like them? Do you really wanna be another trend? Do you wanna be part of the crowd?" Another very true statement. And that's where things become important to this little rant.
-Wednesday, January 3, 2007; 1:19 p.m.-
"AM I THE ONLY ONE..."
I feel like such an idiot right now. Watching the Case Closed/Detective Conan movie about the cruise ship just now, I was reminded about how much She loved the series and how much I miss her. Then I found myself wishing that I could talk to her just once more...I was overcome with such a great sadness. It's almost all I can think about anymore, and that scares me so badly...It also hurts more than it should, considering I never really met her. Does she know how much it hurts me to not be able to talk to her again? Then, sometimes, I wonder...Does she think about me even a fraction of as much as I think about her? I wish she did, and I wish I could know it, because then it wouldn't really hurt as badly...Even if it's not in the sense I think about her, I'd like to know she does at least remember me in passing. Her little Duo, just like she was my little Beloved. "We know each other so well but our feelings had a change." Words that hurt to look at from the translation of the song at the end of this movie. Is it pathetic that I can empathize with Ran about her emotions towards Shinichi and not being able to see him like she wants? There's also, "Like a boat waiting for summer, I've always, always...Always...Wanted to hold you in my arms tightly. I want to tell you honestly how I feel, but I'm fraid someone will get hurt. Now, I'm only moving in one direction. You're waiting on the other side."
-Wednesday, February 7, 2007; 8:10 a.m.-