Notes on Lessons in Loss

One day I took to wondering how the members of the orphanage gang ended up in Garden. Seifer and Squall were never adopted and got sent to Balamb Garden at about six and five years of age, respectively. Quistis joined B-Garden when she was ten, due to her adoption not working out. Zell came aboard at thirteen to follow in the steps of his war hero grandfather.

This leaves Irvine and Selphie. Why did these two enter Galbadia and Trabia Gardens, when it was implied that they'd been adopted, like all of the orphanage gang except Seifer and Squall? Unlike Zell, nothing about Selphie and Irvine even remotely suggests they have family at all. No mention, no contact. Nada. The most reasonable explanation I could think of was that Selphie and Irvine were adopted at some point, but as in Quistis' case things didn't work out.

In the case of Selphie, I had her deal with the deaths of her adoptive family because... well, because I'm an evil person,:D but also because I always suspected Selphie's almost superhuman exuberance had some kind of history behind it. When Trabia Garden was demolished, her diary entry reads that acting cheerful, no matter how much pain you feel, will eventually rub off and help you feel cheerful, too. This shows that Selphie is obviously no stranger to grief, even if the GF she used took away the exact memories. It's easy to become cynical and depressed; what's rare is the refusal to give into the paralysis of pain, and instead focus on the joys of life.

I wrote this story from Cid's point of view, not Selphie's, because I honestly can't imagine what it's like to suffer such devastating loss. (Maybe that's why I'm stuck with the second chapter...) Sure, at this point his wife is missing(she's given herself up to Ultimecia and has left the White SeeD ship, no one knows her whereabouts), but at least it's not a conclusive loss. But perhaps that's even crueler, since the situation leaves him to torture himself with hope, while not allowing him to grieve. I knew it: I'm evil.

Cid must have a lot of regrets in life, like most people his age do. Throughout his life he did the best he can, but that doesn't stop him from wondering if they were the right decisions. Was he right to create the Gardens, which might end up destroying Edea? Was he right to stop himself from throwing away all his work and responsibilities to go look for his wife? He chose not to abandon Garden, the world's only hope for the future, fixing himself on a path that might end in the loss of the woman, the love that defined his existence. All his choices were wrong, no matter how much he sacrificed.

My heart goes out to him for facing such a horrible dilemma, but Cid is a strong man. Stronger than many give him credit for. He's one of those people who draw fortitude from their own goodness, somehow finding the strength to go on against impossible odds.

Focusing on the writing, I liked the snow image at the beginning, and the descriptions. I'm especially fond of the double meanings, such as the fire burning brighter in the deepening dusk, or Cid reflecting how Selphie is a lot stronger than she looks. The whole thing seemed to come together naturally, almost effortlessly, and I liked the feeling. It was also nice to write about decent people being decent for a change. When it comes to fictional characters I tend to gravitate toward psychopathic or amoral personalities like Seifer, but that doesn't mean I don't find it fun to write about principled, everyday people. Not that I'm one of them. *g*

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