Metallica needs a hobby. Or perhaps, just perhaps, the members of this band simply need to grow up and get real jobs.

I often find myself agreeing with some of the things that National Enquirer's "Uncovered" has to say about various stars. This is because within all the voyeurism that goes with such a show, the host often makes some good points within his commentary. One such moment was yesterday, when the subject was Metallica, and their recent spate of lawsuits against people.

Sure there was the thing with Napster, and in retrospect, I don't hold that particular episode against them. After all, the Napster suit was about protecting Metallica's music, which is, after all, what the band is supposedly about.

However, I think that all of this lawsuit stuff has gone to Lars Ulrich's head. In "Uncovered" it was learned that Metallica has sued two cosmetic makers for producing cosmetic named "Metallica", and Victoria's Secret was sued for a similar reason. To take a line from Metallica themselves, you may not believe this, but it's "sad but true."

"Uncovered" suggests that Metallica get their act together and get to work on their next album. Because right now, they are simply contributing to the over-abundance of people just waiting to be offended enough to take their problems to court. When I heard about this whole sad affair, I seriously started wondering if Ulrich has started taking whining lessons from Jesse Jackson. In the darkest moment of these thoughts, I thought that what each band member needs is just the right sized length of rope so that they can all twist in the wind.

It's amazing what new perspectives can be gained by taking a bath and then a two-hour nap. Now when I think about the whole situation, I realize what a sorry sap Lars Ulrich and the rest of the band are. It's no wonder my two Metallica albums are some of the first CDs to go in the "Most Likely to be Pawned This Month" list. As for suing Victoria's Secret, I am thinking it's all a ploy on the part of Ulrich to get near the models. After all, a courtroom is probably about as close as the man is going to get near a beautiful woman. Or perhaps he's afraid the models could beat the snot out of him anywhere else.

Hey Lars, do us all a favor and go soak your stupid head.

Artemis

(comments welcome - please email me at [email protected] and I will post your comments here as well.)