Out of the darkness, a terrified cry is heard.  Blood is spilled and feces fly through the massive crowd gathered 'round to see the sodomizing and mutilation of the poor slobs who dare to challenge the mightiest, the most powerful, the most gruesome band in the world, GWAR.  I dared to enter their lair for a few words from the lead singer and bassist, Oderus Urungus, himself, and I expected the worst.  What did I see when I opened the door?  Not a huge alien with a schlong like an open fire hydrant, but the man underneath the costume, Dave Brockie, playing Diablo on his laptop.  Although he was out of costume, the spirit of Oderus was still apparent when he spoke of GWAR's main goals for the evening.
 
          Oderus revealed GWAR's ultimate plan:  the senseless slaughter of all humans and enemies in their path.  Why is this necessary?  GWAR are aliens who were created billions of years ago by the ruler of the universe, also known as the Master.  They were originally an elite fighting unit called the Scumdogs of the Universe, and they fought many bloody battles over millions of years.  They grew more powerful with each battle they won and eventually took on the Master himself.  This enraged the Master,  so he created the Death Pod, which swallowed GWAR up and enabled the him to carry out his plot to do away with the Scumdogs.  The pod crashed into the earth's surface and left GWAR to do whatever they wished.  They hooked up with Sleazy P. Martini (manager), and soon became known as the Greatest Band in the Universe.  Their lust for power and revenge forced them to devise a plot to get back at the Master.  The only way to do this is for GWAR to summon the World Maggot, who can bring them back to the center of the universe, where the Master resides.  Their plan is to draw many adoring fans to each show they perform, so they can slaughter them all, until enough blood is shed to awaken the World Maggot.  This was also a good indicator of how badly they would trash Roseland that evening.

          GWAR's special, never-before-seen Halloween extravaganza was held at Roseland.  They appeared along with Crisis, Mephiskapheles and The Misfits (with special guests Joey and Marky Ramone).  The GWAR Toilet Bowl was dragged out on stage by the slaves, and its mighty bowels were plunged until its contents were spewed all over the stage and audience.  What a sight to behold!  This toilet has red, glowing eyes and a mouthful of chomping, razor-sharp teeth.  Of course, what good would a huge toilet be without a big, smelly surprise inside?  The most disgusting, stinkiest turd of all,  Marilyn Manson, was the first victim to be plunged out.  To say that GWAR merely kicked his ass all over the stage wouldn't do the scene justice.  They took Mr. Manson, sliced him open, tore limbs off and waved his bloody stumps at the audience, who screamed and begged for more carnage.  Marilyn Manson was nothing more than a flailing torso when they got finished with him.  That's gotta be bad for his record sales.

           Nobody can ever accuse GWAR of being politically correct.  Anyone and everyone is a prime target, and Princess Diana was no exception.  She came crashing through a wall on stage and quickly became another of GWAR's sex puppets.  Various members of GWAR danced around the stage with the battered corpse of the princess, molesting and sodomizing her torso as they passed her around.  A similar scene took place with JonBenet Ramsey, who as Oderus put it, "...was hiding in the GWAR Toilet from her dad and his drunken golfing buddies who were trying to rape her."  Why would GWAR molest this innocent child?  I almost felt as if I should be disappointed in them after all that girl went through.  Almost.  Of course,  I thoroughly enjoyed the mutilation, but it would have been more gratifying to see her mother and father take her place in the GWAR Toilet as payback for all those sick pedo-pageants she had to endure.

          As if the show wasn't surreal enough, even the King himself came out of hiding for a final appearance.  Elvis Presley swaggered out in his finest garb, a white jumpsuit with sequins, and began to croon one of his best loved melodies.  Unfortunately, Oderus and company didn't take kindly to this unannounced Elvis sighting.  Instead of calling the Weekly World News or the Sun, they decided to take matters into their own hands... literally.  The poor guy had no chance.  They sliced his stomach open, ripped out his guts and played guitar on his large intestine.  They chewed on his spleen and bloody chunks spewed out from the once mighty King of Rock 'n' Roll.  A little later in the show, one of GWAR's personal (dead) friends crawled out of the toilet; the one and only El Duce of the Mentors.  After he took a long piss all over the audience, GWAR decided to mutilate him.  He met a bloody fate similar to those before him.  His skull was crushed, his corpse tossed around and trampled on.  After seeing the death and destruction that took place at Roseland, I pity anyone who gets in the way of the mighty GWAR.

          When I spoke to Dave before the show, he revealed the surprise ending, in which the two largest creatures are brought together to battle it out till the bitter end.  Cardinal Syn, a gigantic holy robot, and Gor-Gor, an enormous tyrannosaurus who was injected with crack and fed with dead babies while still in his egg, both stomped out on stage and began to do battle.  The scene strongly resembled an old Godzilla movie, with its huge rubber monsters.  It soon became a huge, bloody free-for-all and everyone on stage joined in, beating each other senseless.  Also worth mentioning was an unexpected appearance by Techno Destructo, who was disguised as the Sexecutioner; he was fed to the GWAR Toilet Bowl in which he will undoubtedly suffer for eternity.

          As for any new stuff coming out, GWAR will be filming their "Penguin Attack" video at the new 9:30 Club in D.C. sometime in November.  They also hope to be back in the studio at the end of the year, conjuring up new, diabolical ways to destroy the world.  Oderus also spoke of a new creature who will accompany them on their next tour.  He goes by the name of Scrota; similar to Yoda, but more in the shape of a scrotum.  He'll be GWAR's mentor, leading them on a more spiritual path.  Oderus says, "Next year's tour will be more of a guess as we find the four missing parts to the Magic Lawnmower.  Scrota can now mow his lawn and find the extradimensional tunnel to wherever the hell it is that the Master lives, then GWAR will mercifully kick his ass and mutilate the shit out of him."

          GWAR also has a side project known as the X-COPS, who released "You Have the Right to Remain Silent".  Sometimes they get tired of dressing up like giant rubber monsters, so they put on police uniforms and play corrupt cops instead.  They're all the same members of GWAR, but they rotate the roles they play, instruments they play and who sings.  Since most people have never seen them without their costumes, the average listener would never realize who they are.  They performed as their own opening act during the "This Toilet Earth" tour in 1994.  According to Dave, "We would put on the tight pants and beat everyone up.  Then after we were done we would take off our wet, smelly cop clothes then put on our wet, smelly, rubber clothes and be GWAR.  We did this for over three hundred shows within about one hundred fifty days.  After concluding this tour, we admitted ourselves to the Betty Ford clinic."

          Another side project of theirs is RAWG.  It's the world's only GWAR tribute band.  Dave explains, "We all met at a laundromat in New York where we were working and all decided to form this band to give GWAR the respect they deserved for their music.  The lead singer, Vincent Baloglioni , ex-Vietnam war vet, is good friends with Oderus.  Coincidentally, the bands GWAR, X-COPS and RAWG are all related in some way.  Cobb Knobbler, the bass player of X-COPS, was the Green Beret partner of Vincent Baloglioni in Vietnam, and before they were in their bands, they were deep in the jungle with a mysterious tribe of pygmy people.  They found these pygmy people worshipping Satan, and Vincent got scared and went back to America on the flying tank boat and left Cobb Knobbler in the jungle.  The pygmy people summoned Satan, who turned out to be Oderus Urungus, lead singer of GWAR.  Satan (Oderus) screwed Cobb Knobbler up the ass and then Cobb went back to San Francisco and founded the Church of Satanic Homosexuality.  He later joined the X-COPS.  So its all just one big incestuous family."
 
          Next time GWAR's in town, I'd suggest that you see them.  Not only are they talented musicians, but they also put on quite a stage show.  It's also best viewed from the middle of the mosh pit if you want the full GWAR experience.  You'll get splattered with various bodily fluids, pushed around and you'll LIKE it.  If you don't, they'll just feed you to the Meat Grinder, which also appears on stage sometimes.  Check out their newest release, "Carnival of Chaos".  Also, keep an eye out for the X-COPS who should be releasing a new album soon,  possibly within the next year.

(This article appeared in The Third Rail in November of 1997.)