[1:]

Tsurugi was sleeping peacefully atop a pile of dirty laundry, having rolled off the bed some time between his dream about being eating by a giant tomato and the one with Pam Anderson. He lay sprawled over a heap of smelly socks, clad only in his favorite smiley-face underwear. He was enjoying the peaceful isolation of his simple little dream world. The cool, calm quiet of early morning comforted him. Nothing could possibly ruin his drea--

�YUSUKE, GET YOUR ASS UP!�

Yes, it was Monday again, and Yuki was perched in her usual spot in the hallway outside Tsurugi�s bedroom, beating on the door mercilessly with her fist. It was time again to wake up, at a hideously early hour, and go all the way across town to that big scary building where the old people in suits would attempt to teach him things�and fail miserably every time. Tusurugi was slow to react, taking a moment to find his feet, which were somewhere near his head, and wipe the drool from his face. He slowly rolled across the floor towards his bedroom door, just as the wood began to splinter from Yuki�s pounding. He found the door knob, and had just enough time to roll away before she kicked the door in.

�Dammit, Yusuke,� she shrieked, �I told you an hour ago to wake up! We�re going to be late, yet again, because you cant fall asleep before midnight, and you have to sleep all fucking night or something and blah blah blah��

He had stopped paying attention sometime after �told.� Yuki looked like a big, blue, angry wildebeest through his groggy eyes. He stared up at her drolly as she glared at him. Whilst enjoying the view of her skirt from his spot on the floor, he noticed a painful burning in his lower back. It was then that he realized that she was dragging him down the hallway by his foot, swearing at everything in existence all the while. He woke up fully when she tossed him down the stairs.

�Here,� she said, hitting him in the face with a pair of red plaid pants and the white button-up shirt that he never bothered to button up all the way. It was his school uniform.

�You missed breakfast, again,� Yuki continued. She began loading their dozens of textbooks into a single enormous duffel bag, �And don�t bother to ask for leftovers; Rika fed them all to a plant. She adopted one of the cherry bushes as her new baby this morning.�

It was then that Rika and the aforementioned plant entered the hallway. Rika�s hair was done up in a beehive, with the plant cuddled up against her breasts, which were way too big for her tiny blouse.

�Oh Yusuke, just the beefcake I wanted to see,� Rika said excitedly, �See my new baby? Isn�t he the cutest thing you�ve ever laid eyes on? I named him Benito! It�s Spanish for �sexy beast.� Do you like him?�

The bush was missing all its leaves, and had only one pathetic cherry on top.

�Just humor her,� Yuki whispered in Tsurugi�s ear, �Shiro said no, and she glued him to the ceiling.�

�Ouch.�

Rika continued to stare intently at Tsurugi, waiting for an answer.

�Why yes, Rika, he�s adorable! And look, he even has your eyes!�

�Oh, I KNOW!!�

Rika squealed with delight and began bouncing up and down, which put an incredible strain on her blouse, which began to pop open, sending buttons flying in all directions. One of the buttons hit Karen in the face as she entered the hallway, sending her reeling backwards. She landed on her butt with a loud thud.

�Ooowww,� she whined, holding her now-bleeding nose, �Why are there buttons flying all over the house? And Rika, what happened to the rest of your shirt? Is it Wednesday already?�

Tsurugi helped Karen to her feet and handed her a box of tissues as Rika began taping her shirt shut. While Karen doctored up her face, Tsurugi took a quick look around the corridor. The house was empty.

�Were is everybody?� he asked.

�It�s eight a.m. on Monday fucking morning. Where the hell do you think they went?� Yuki said grumpily, hauling the enormous backpack onto her back. The bag as at least as big as she was.

�Uhhh�� was Tsurugi�s reply.

�To SCHOOL!� Yuki answered. �My God, Yusuke, use some common sense, if you used at least ten percent of your brain blah blah blah responsibility blah blah blah low-life blah blah blah are you listening to me blah blah��

No one was paying any attention to her. Karen had managed to produce enough make up from her dwindling collection to cover up the button-shaped bruise on her nose. She hated make-up. She was notoriously allergic to it, but hopefully her face wouldn�t swell up like a balloon, the way it did last time. Then again, that was Chelsea�s make up, which she makes herself in the meat locker of the local shoe store, using ingredients imported from Mongolia and a screwdriver.

Tsurugi was staring solemnly at the floor, since that was the best thing to do when Yuki was yelling at you. Yuki was yelling. Rika produced a few more rolls of duct tape from God-only-knows where. Shiro was still glued to the kitchen ceiling. Puu and Yukei were both napping in the living room, as neither one of them had to go to school. Lucky bastards.

A few minutes and three rolls of duct tape later, Yuki, Karen, Tsurugi, and Rika left the house, and began the long, torturous trek across town to their school, the Academy of Sparkly Magic. No one remembered to cut Shiro down from the ceiling, much less did they care. They left him there to spend the day being hit in the face by the ceiling fan. It took the four students about an hour to walk all the way to school thanks to a stampede of purple elephants on Main Street, and they were all very much late for homeroom.

�You�re LATE� their homeroom teacher, Sergeant Squee barked when they arrived, �I hope you have a legitimate excuse for being an hour and a half late for school.�

Sergeant Squee was a large man. Very large. His bald head grazed the ceiling of the classroom. He had biceps on his biceps, and a mustache that could engulf a bus or two.

�Well, you see, Sergeant--� Karen began.

�Can it, Red! I�ve had enough of your crap! No, sit!� The Sergeant ordered.

�But I didn�t even do anything wrong�yet.�

A scary glare from the Sergeant silenced Karen and she took her seat in the front row, beside the empty desk that usually belonged to Chelsea (who was mysteriously missing today). To her left was Yuki, who had begun her morning task of filing her nails with a hunting knife. Behind Karen was the empty desk that usually belonged to Shiro. She felt very much alone.

Actually, Karen�s homeroom should have been a rather comfortable place. The only other people in it were her housemates, who she saw everyday anyway. What made it so miserable was the guy in charge�

�Now listen here, maggots. It�s time for roll call. Raise your hand and shut your trap when I call your name. Any sound out of a single one of you, and you�ll be scrubbing the dog crap from my combat boots from now until next Tuesday.�

He took roll, marking down that Shiro and Chelsea were absent, and paying no attention whatsoever to Alfredo, who he still didn�t know was in his class.

�Now, even though you�re all in separate grades for the most part, you�ve all been labeled as part of the �Troubled Group,� hence the reason you�ve all been assigned to me for the morning. I expect you all to assemble here swiftly and QUIETLY every morning, and to BE ON TIME. That goes triple for you, Red.� He glared in Karen�s general direction.

Yuki raised her hand. Without waiting to be called on, she spoke;

�Sergeant Squee,� she began calmly, �It�s the 47th day of school. You don�t have to give this lecture EVERY SINGLE DAY. We�re all late for third period. So, if you don�t mind, I�d like to be going, because your mustache hairs are shedding all over my desk, and it�s rather disgusting.�

�Now, you listen here, you little--�

He was interrupted when Chelsea stampeded into the room, wearing her version of the school uniform, which consisted of almost nothing.

�OMGZ! OH WOE IZ ME!!� she cried, collapsing on the floor in front of the Sergeant,� OH, MR. SQUEE, IT WAS HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE, I TELL YOU!�

�WHY ARE YOU TALKING IN ALL CAPS?� Sergeant Squee asked. �B/C IT R FUN!� she replied.

�INDEED IT IS! CONTINUE WITH YOU STORY, WHILE I STAND HERE AND PRETEND TO PAY ATTENTION.�

�THANK YOU MY GOOD SIR. WELL, I LEFT FOR SCHOOL EARLY TODAY, TO LAY LANDMINES BENEATH THE SCHOOL BUSSES, LIKE I DO EVERYDAY, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, THIS HUGE CHIPMUNK AMBUSHED ME!!�

The class was held in captivated silence, except for Tsurugi, who was sleeping in the back and dreaming of what Yuki might look like covered in chocolate pudding.

�NATURALLY, I LET OUT A HIDEOUS SHRIEK IN SELF DEFENSE, BUT THAT ONLY MADE THE LAND MINES HIDDEN IN MY BLOUSE ASPLODE! THANKFULLY, I WAS MIRACULOUSLY SAVED BY THE DURABLITY OF MY YABBOS! �YABBO� IS SPANISH FOR �HOOTER,� BY THE WAY!!! THE EVENT WAS EVER SO TRAUMATISING!�

�So you say you were nearly killed by an exploding landmine thanks to a gigantic rabid chipmunk, but you were saved by your voluptuous breasts?� Squee asked.

�YES INDEED SIR, I WAS. HERE, I�LL SHOW YOU!!�

Chelsea began unbuttoning her shirt, which also miraculously escaped the explosion unscathed. She was interrupted, however, when the bell for fourth period rang. The students fled the room as though it were on fire, to avoid the site of her �goodies.�

**********

Meanwhile, Yukei had been given the dubious honor of watching after Puu for the day. She should have known what kind of day she was in for when Karen gave her the �Puu�s Friendly User Handbook,� which was 1047 pages long, a plunger, and a suit of armor before going to school.

The purple-haired girl had awoken to find the kitchen on fire, yet again, due to Puu�s failed attempt to make lemonade. She quickly put out the fire using her very heat-resistant butt, sitting on the flaming pitcher of lemonade moments before it exploded. She stood, rubbing her sore behind, and gave Puu a stern look.

�Puu, what has Karen told you about making lemonade?�

�Puu�� the little green creature sighed, looking very guilty and ashamed.

�That�s right. Gasoline is NOT a necessary ingredient. The sooner you come to accept that, the sooner we can all stop sleeping in shifts and taking turns guarding the refrigerator.�

She instantly felt bad when she saw the sad look on his face and replied with a sympathetic look of her own. She leaned forward and smiled, patting him on the head.

�Now, are you thirsty?�

Puu nodded, putting on his best cute face.

�Well, how about I make the lemonade, and you go fetch me some towels to clean up this mess?� Puu squealed with delight when he heard this, and scampered off to the laundry room. Yukei began digging around the kitchen cabinets for sugar. Puu had never really taken to Yukei for some reason, so she hoped that this time together would help the two of them get along better�

Twenty three and a half seconds later, she heard the explosion. Fearing the worst, she used her super-human speed and dashed out of the kitchen, leaving flaming footprints in the linoleum. She arrived at the source of the explosion, which happened to be the laundry room, a few moments later.

From the doorway, Yukei could see Puu struggling to free himself from the clutches of the washing machine, which had apparently come to life for whatever reason. Water and soap splattered all over the room, making the floors slick and wet. So, when she ran into the room to save Puu for the second time that day, she slipped and fell firmly on her ass, leaving a perfectly round dent in the tiled floor.

She cried out in pain, which seemed to get the washing machines attention. It growled and tossed Puu into a pile of dirty socks. The angry appliance advance on Yukei, who was at the moment too sore to stand up straight and defend herself.

As the machine opened it�s metal door of a mouth (which had magically sprouted a set of very sharp teeth), preparing to devour Yukei in a single gulp, it was hit the back of the head�er�metal panel thingy, by a fireball.

Enraged, the Evil Washing Machine of Doom (which it shall henceforth be referred to as) whirled around, finding that the fireball had come from none other than Puu himself, whose mouth was now smoking like a Boston hooker. It growled loudly, and shot a stream of bleach at Puu, causing the little green thingy to squeal in terror, seeing as bleach is on his list of �Top 10 Worst Things to Get Into My Fur.�

The Evil Washing Machine of Doom leapt high into the air, somehow, and landed hard directly in from of Puu, looming over him and cackling evilly. Puu shivered with fright, the way he always did before he got eaten. The Evil Washing Machine of Doom opened its great toothy Mouth of Doom to eat Puu.

Suddenly, Puu heard the machine make a whining guttural noise, before becoming silent. He opened his eyes to find that Yukei had pulled the Evil Washing Machine of Doom�s electrical cord from the wall. The monstrous machine collapsed with a rush of steam. Puu sighed with relief.

�Phew, that was close,� Yukei said, still rubbing her bruised bottom, �What the heck happened?�

Puu proceeded to explain, using sign language and crudely drawn stick figures, that he had been sniffing through the unwashed underwear, like he always does when he�s in the laundry room, and came across one of Stacie�s schoolbooks, �The Magical Book of Naughty Spells that Bumbling Idiots like You Should Never Be Allowed to Use.� Naturally, his insatiable curiosity and love of peeing on books with long titles prompted him to open the book up, where he happened upon a very peculiar spell, which was written entirely using the word �Puu.� Since �Puu� is in fact Puu�s favorite word in the whole wide world, he read the spell out loud, which caused the Evil Washing Machine of Doom to come to life and try to eat him.

�Oh, I see,� Yukei pondered out loud when Puu had finished his tale, �Well, that makes perfect sense! And now that that�s settled, how about we go get that lemonade made, huh? �

Puu nodded happily.

�Puu puu puu!� he cried with delight.

Now, �puu puu puu� can mean a number of things in Puu�s language, including (but not limited to) �That sounds like a splendid idea,� �I have to make tinkee,� �The French are arrogant bastards,� or �Is that a pickle? I do so love pickles!� and sometimes �Fuck you, bitch.�

However, since Stacie�s � Magical Book of Naughty Spells that Bumbling Idiots like You Should Never Be Allowed to Use.� was still open on the floor, the phrase caused the Evil Washing Machine of Doom to come to life again. It shuttered and rattled and roared wickedly.

Puu promptly peed himself, not out of fear, but because it had been ten whole minutes since he had last urinated on something. Yukei screamed as the Evil Washing Machine of Doom threw a basket of Rika�s dirty bras at her head, which exploded when it missed and hit the wall. Rika�s bras are very explosive.

She yanked Puu from his puddle and bolted out of the room, running down the hallway at full speed (which is very very fast for Yukei). When she had reached the safety of the backyard, she paused to let Puu catch his breath. The poor little thing looked like he had just been strapped to the back of a fight jet and flown around the world twice. Suddenly, Yukei noticed something.

�Puu, look!� She pointed urgently at Puu�s stomach, �You�re fading! That bleach must have stained your fur.�

Sure enough, there was now a big white blotch on Puu�s stomach. Puu stood silent for a moment, allowing the devastating news settle in. His eyes welled up with tears, and he let out a ferocious cry.

�PUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!�

�Shh! Puu, be quiet!� Yukei urged frantically, �It might hear you. If that thing finds us, we�re toast--� She was interrupted by a hideous scream coming from the direction of the house.

The Evil Washing Machine of Doom had found them.