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Review: Let me show you something:
"Man talk" (slaps Dink on the behind)
- James Bond in Goldfinger.
"Never argue with a woman, they're
always right"
- James Bond in Tomorrow Never
Dies.
Blimey! Where did it all go wrong?
Now imagine, if you will, a politically
correct version of Winnie the Pooh (yes, I'm asking you to briefly
devote yourself to imagining a politically correct version of Winnie the
Pooh. Run with it. I'm "going somewhere" with this). Christopher Robin
would be recast as an wheelchair-bound Hispanic girl, Winnie would be
forced to put on some pants, and Tigger's name would be changed to Tegro.
Now granted, those amendments probably wouldn't really affect the story
or the quality of the production, but it would change the concept
to something different from what it was, something lesser. And it
would give of this nasty vibe, constantly reminding you that what
you are watching has been tainted, meddled with, sullied, by the PC
Police (By which I mean the Politically Correct Police, as opposed to
the other PC Police, the Personal Computer Police, who, if they were any
good at their jobs, would be as we speak planting drugs in Justin Long's
boogie board.
Mac: Hello, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
Mac: PC, why do I always win in these ads?
PC: Well for starters, these ads compare new Macs with old
PCs, which needless to say, is rather misleading. Also, the casting of a
young, hip, latte-drinking artist as Mac and a bland, weary, middle-aged
accountant as PC serves to further perpetuate the false impression of...
Mac: Stick to the script PC, or you'll be out on the street
faster than you can say "anti-virus software"!
PC: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll be good. I'll be good. (Clearly
reading from cue cards:) I don't know, Mac. Why do you always win in
these ads?
Mac: I'm glad you asked PC. I always win in these ads because
Macs are the best and everything about us is also the best.
PC: (still reading) Gee, I wish I could be a Mac like you,
but I can't because... wait, what does that say there? Oh, right,
gotcha... but I can't because I'm just a dumb PC.
Mac: Aw shucks PC. That's so nice of you to say. Thank you.
Theme music plays.
PC: I hope you die in Die Hard 4.
).*
Tomorrow Never Dies is James Bond: The PC Version. This is where
the joyless, snivelling do-gooders and the feminists and the single
mothers and the anti-smoking lobbys and the PC Police and the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints have hijacked Bond from us, and
proceeded to choke and strangle the living life out of this once fun
series. James Bond, once the alpha man, once the grandest form of
escapism, once the final refuge of the everyday man in search of some
blessed relief from the strict confines and painful limitations of real
life, has now been striped of it's flavour and repackaged as vanilla.
Watered down and white washed, smoothed out and tick approved, so as not
to offend. It has been marred. It has been tampered with. In short, it
has been ruined.
Now Bond can't smoke. Now Bond drives
German cars and wears Italian suits. Oh, and it's not "Bond" anymore,
it's "Bond and his BUTT-KICKING FEMALE SPY SIDEKICK WHO IS CAN HOLD HER
OWN IN A FIGHT AND IS BONDS EQUAL IN EVERY WAY AND CAN DO ANYTHING HE
CAN DO." I'm all for equality, or at the very least I'm not completely
against it, but doesn't having every female Bond meets being able to
out-wit and out-match Bond sort of make the character a little less
special? Not specifically because they're female, but because their
people? Doesn't it devalue him as a character if every (female) agent he
comes across is HIS EQUAL. No one, male or female, should be BONDS
EQUAL. Bond should be the best, otherwise, as wish-fulfilment, it fails
utterly.
The fact that this is easily the
best of the Brosnan Bond films is a sad indictment on what can only
be described as the dark peroid of the Bond series.
* - (If you're reading this in the year
3000, you may not understand, or "get", the "Mac and PC" conversation
above. You see, back in 2007 there were these Mac commercials /
propaganda pieces where two people, one representing a Mac, and the
other a PC, would perform some "humourous" banter conveying PCs flaws
and Macs superiority. If you indeed are living in the year 3000,
and unless they're still making them, you've probably never seen these
ads, and that's a shame, because you won't be able to appreciate just
how witty and clever my parody of them is. Also, if time travel has been
invented, and a means of preventing a paradox has also been invented,
could you please warp on over here to 2007 and give me a list of winners
for the next 20 Super bowls so that I can place bets on them and make
lots of money. Thank you.)
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