| Enough | Date: 050605 | |
| The silence of the night brings a moment of brooding for you. You've
always wanted quiet, just some time to think for yourself, just time away from everything. It brings
opportunities to think quietly of the life you've lived, the lives of others who have passed, and the
love that you feel for her. You've been searching for her for so long, the one person who could make
you forget your sins just by existing beside you. She never judged you, never forced you to change,
never took your past actions against you. Her smile penetrates even your foulest mood, her touch batters down your toughest defenses. Her kiss enters you and lodges deep within your heart, and she is in you with every beat. From where you are sitting you think about her and your eyes scan the surroundings, looking for a glimpse of her hair, the light reflecting off her eyes. But she is not here now, and you return to your thoughts. Even from the beginning it had been a mess. Her beauty captivated you since first you laid eyes on her. Your eyes exchanged a knowing look, an acknowledgement of a mutual gravitation for each other. It would have been so simple. But she was in love with another, one she would pledge her life for. At first you pushed it, pushed her, tested her will. You even wished that the other man would fall in battle, or that by taking her by force you could somehow win her. But that is not how you work, you were taught honor, and you never thought about those things again. It was so simple, this attraction thing. You had nothing to lose, everything to gain, and you were counting on this pressure to make her finally go to you and admit all she ever felt about you. But you were wrong, she did love the other, and as always you were not enough. And as days went by the simple fact changed it all. You do not recall how it happened, all you know is that it stopped becoming a battle between the two of you. Like the kiss that was sealed in your blood, her own being is now like a knife stabbed into your heart, a knife that you wouldn't bother removing. You wouldn't anyway, that knife is in so deep and so tangled into you that if you pulled it out you would surely bleed to death. You loved her, and you couldn't have her. It would have made you angry because you always get what you want, but in this case you would gladly step backwards. You'd go through hell for her. You sense a presence behind you and breathe out as she pulls a chair beside yours, her proximity a very pleasant thing and at the same time a painful slap. She looks at you with eyes full of longing, and yet you can see in them all the guilt inside. She cannot help these feelings, they are hers, it is wrong for someone who is already about to get married. You smile at her and she lowers her head into your chest, listening to your heart beating, and knowing that every beat carries her with it, giving you a reason to live and fight another day, always. You will fight, because she has fought for you, took you in when others would have beaten you or cast you aside. She accepted all of you, and in doing so she taught you to care and to be gentle, something nobody else has ever done for you. As you run your hand through her hair you know that she is thinking of you, and what she is going to do. You cannot hold her to you, because you know you could never live up to her expectations of love, you could never start a family with her. You are jealous and your hands flinch, she feels this. And again she takes this all. You are human after all, and jealousy is human nature. She raises her head now and looks at you with sad eyes, as if telling you that she is willing to turn into you, to give to you exactly what it is you want from her. Her eyes telling you that she will bear it for you, and you do not doubt her. She is strong, and love is not for the weak. She taught you this also. As you lift a hand to her cheek you tell her to go home, to where she truly belongs. She is stricken, and searches your face for the truth. She knows this effort is in vain, for you have always been honest with her, but she cannot shake the thought that maybe you would rather have taken back the words you've just said. You gaze into her eyes and show her your joy, the decision already made. The relief and happiness spreads through her face as well and you breathe out again, knowing that her happiness would make you happy, and that it is your gift to her, in return for all she has given to you. She leans in to kiss you, also apologizing for having doubted your true intentions. You kiss back, but there is no longing in you, no desire, demanding nothing. She smiles at you and tells you it is not over between you two. And then she is gone. She is gone and the silence that follows attempts to tell you that you are alone again, but you know better, you will forever be with the strength that she has given you. You return to thinking of her again, and your thoughts return to the exchange of words, to the decision made. These are the words you will treasure for the rest of your life. You will learn to accept these for all of your days, and the guilt and pain will leave you. You are strong too, and in the end it does not matter. You will be there for her, and she for you. That is another thing she taught you, to just let it loose. True love should be unbound and should run free, and that is what you've done for her. You would let her go, because your love for her does not demand anything back. If she did not love you, you would still love her the same. But she does love you. It is enough. As you stand from the chair and prepare to leave, your mind wanders again to your past, and of the sins you have committed. They seem so petty now, and you know that you are no sinner, you have won against your past. This is a battle you have won at last, and it is her last great gift to you. You think about her and know that she will be there always with you, in your heart. |
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