"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, ''Hello, Information.'' I said, ''I can't find my
socks.'' She said, ''They're behind the couch.'' And they were!"
- Steven Wright

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
- Franklin P. Jones

"A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. A girl and
a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. But
when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- that had to mean something."
- S. Morganstern

"Nuke Unborn Gay Whales for Jesus."
- Bumper Stickers

"Trying is the first step towards failure."
- Homer Simpson

"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an	emergency on my 
part."
- Unknown

"It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said 'Goodbye,' it could confuse a lot of
people."
- Dolph Sharp

"Mythological two headed hound, born with only one head. And here, out of
the myths of history: the legendary Esquilax--a horse with the head of a 
rabbit, and the body--of a rabbit."
- Chief Clancy Wiggum

"How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Seven.
One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts."
- Light Bulb Jokes

"There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works."
- Roy Rogers

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash"
- Newspaper Headlines

"Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet
engines."
- John Benfield

"A friend told me to shoot first and ask questions later.  I was going to
ask him why, but I had to shoot him."
- John Wayne

"Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've
heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town 
founder."
- Bart Simpson

"I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground,
and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.  Now that's a documentary!"
- Jack Handey

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you
had an electrified fooling machine."
- Homer Simpson

"When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, ''How would the Lone Ranger handle this?''"
- Laws of Work

"Wow, I've never been called a GROWNUP before...I've been TRIED as one..."
- Otto Man

"Can you get me some of those Flinstones Chewable Morphine?"
- Bart Simpson

"Anyone who calls it ''sexual intercourse'' can't possibly be interested
in actually doing it. You might as well announce you're ready for lunch
by proclaiming, 'I'd like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.'"
- Allan Sherman

"You can't trip a dog ...... too many legs."
- Michael Hebert

"Normal is a setting on a washing machine."
- Unknown

"I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles."
- Steven Wright