Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in
the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms 
around, like you're going to fall in.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 

If someone told me it wasn't "fashionable" to talk about freedom, I
think I'd just have to look him square in the eye and say, "Okay, YOU
TELL ME what's `fashionable'." But he won't. And you know why? Because
you can't ask someone what's fashionable in a smart-alecky way like that.
You have to be friendly and say, "By the way, what's fashionable?"
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets
mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 

You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort
of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way
of letting off stress.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so
that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey 

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It
has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
-- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey