Im kickin myself in the ass right now, yo. People get confused when i say my dad this or my dad that, meaning i have 2 of them, that, my friends, is no longer true, or never really was. Let me explain that shit, for 19 years of my life, ive seen my real father like ... 5 times that i can remember. He aint never been around, aint never axed about me, aint never tried ta get inta contact wit me. So what am i sposed ta do, forget all that? FUCK NO, FUCK THAT AND FUCK IT ALTOGETHER. What i get is, filled with BULLSHIT like, he tried. A huge crock of fucking shit. So kiddies, if you have a lowlife father like that, he aint worth the name "dad". FUCKING TRUST ME ON THAT. Instead, i have someone whos raised me and been there for me since before i was born. Thats my father. :D What can i say, its not only because he fuckin spoiled me rotton, but the fact that while that was happening i learned alot. If you ask me what i think about school, ill fuckin tell you straight out, i HATE it. But i love to learn about life and how shit works. Lessons taught can be the most powerful thing you use in life. Lessons, sometimes are what makes a person and makes their mindset, depends on if you choose to use it to your advantage, or not do shit about it and then it may become a disadvantage. Maybe im not as smart as id like ta think i am. But i must know some shit, if people recommend me as a fuckin counselor for other people. People i dont even know. That makes me feel good about myself n about shit i been through. Whereas, another person who has been through something similar ta me, used drugs n shit ta deal with whatever they were goin through. Aint shit i can do about that crap, an that kinda makes me pissy. But thats what separates the strong from the weak.
For all this shit, you might think thats what im full of. But then again, you aint inside my head. I walked around thinkin i was real fuckin dumb for years. Ill tell you somethin real too. I didnt think i was in the slightest bit smart until someone told me i was and then i had ta analyze shit and then LATER started to believe it. I figured things were way too complicated for me to try to fuckin make sense of it. Talk about the sad fuckin life of a perfectionist, right? Fuckin A, next subject.
As you can tell, i am running out of shit ta say because i dont wanna bore anyone or say some shit thats gonna make me out ta be a fuckin whiney bitch, like it prolly already does. I just feel like instead of always axin me or gettin me ta try ta open up. This is it, no strings attached an you aint even gotta fuckin ax.
What really gets me pissed off is when someone tries ta change me in any fuckin way, shape or form. "Roni, are you sure youre going to wear that shirt?" "Why do you always wear black, you look nice in this color blah blah blah" "Why do you wear black all the time" "you should go to church sometime." JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! If anything pisses me off its that shit. "why dont you eat shit and die for a living?" Ive said that a couple of times. Those are some things that make me want to fucking ax people if they really want me ta be like them. Basically, if you dont wanna interact wit me an you dont like somethin about me, thats on you what you needa do. Dont be fucking stuipid enough to ax me if ima change or make suggestions ta me. Because ill sooner tell you to fuck off than ta fuckin say, "okay whatever you say". Yeah, i do feel bad because i aint got a job n shit. IF I COULD FUCKIN GET A JOB, I WOULD. At least im not totally fuckin useless, i do go to college, for my parents, kuz if it was up ta me i wouldnt give a fuck an id waste my fuckin life at home. The school gives me somethin ta do while im workin on gettin my fuckin ass outta this place.
A great catastrophe is filling my mind and also pissing me off. I thought i was over my fuckin ex. I think, i may be falling back in love wit the fuckin guy. WHY!?!!?! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!...Maybe its because he found a reason ta fight no matter what, maybe its because i like ta be fuckin bitched at for nothing, maybe its the fuckin fact that im too dumb to realize how fucking stupid i am to let him fucking push me around the way he did. It could also be because, he was there for me, when no one else was, he loved me when i thought no one else did, and it could be because no matter how much we had fights and arguments, he always talked shit out and learned from it. Whatever it is, its coming back. Only this time, hes got a different girlfriend. But, still gets jealous if he hears about me and another guy or knows that i like another guy. Its been the question on my mind for a long assed time, yo. Why, am i falling back in love with the guy. Im doing a pretty good job tho at keeping the feeling repressed and knowing in my heart i just need ta move on, but every fuckin time i talk ta him or think about him, old feeling come back inta my head an im at square one. I really dont appreciate the fact that someone can do that ta me, lol. I guess you can say im still wary and lookin out for myself so i dont get hurt again. Its kinda selfish in some ways because i blow off everyone who tries ta get close ta me, or vice versa. Either way, Im still alone gettin renewed feelings for my ex and hating myself for it everyday. But then again, i feel more empty when i dont talk ta him and shit like that. Im just a fuckin dumb shit ex girlfriend. HAHAHA GUYS DO NOT FUCKING DATE ME! i swear to christ you will hate me within a week. Well, ima close this out for now kuz im hella tired. Lates.
Well, here i am again. Im lookin back at the last paragraph and im sayin...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I aint talked ta the dude in like 2 weeks, and im fine. Meanwhile, when im not bitching around about not having a boyfriend. Im smilin just because some people actually think I am a good writer. Even if it is bullshit off the top of my head. Ive had a guy whos hated me for a long ass time tell me just recently i should be a writer because im real good at it, my english teacher from HS told my family thats what i should pursue. Fuck all that, writing is a hobby. I dont know if i would be interested in doing it for a living. But that type of stuff, makes me feel like a million bucks! Like hey, people actually read this bullshit that comes from my head. Woot. I guess today is just one of those days where i have nothing to say...So Ill just hit this up later. Lates.