Steven Wright gems: 
 

 > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
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 > Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 
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 > Half the people you know are below average. 
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 > 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
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 > 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 
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 > A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 
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 > A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
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 > If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 
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 > All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 
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 > The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 
 > (Think about it some more.) 
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 > I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 
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 > OK, so what's the speed of dark? 
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 > How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 
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 > If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 
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 > Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
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 > When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 
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 > Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 
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 > Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 
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 > I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 
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 > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
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 > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 
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 > What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
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 > My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 
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 > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
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 > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
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 > A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
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 > Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 
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 > The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 
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 > To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 
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 > The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 
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 > The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 
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 > The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 
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 > Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.