Exposing the Underbelly
(c) Nicole F. Hall 2000
From the age of four years old I experienced molestation and rape until I was about 10 or 11. There were several different perpetrators, who did several different things, but the same message came through from all of them. "It was my fault, my responsibility" I felt like an adult in a little girl's body. I was confused. I felt dirty and ashamed. I kept the secret. I was told that my parents would never love me and they would send me away. One man even told me that he would kill my family if I told.
I was told that no one would believe me and that they would see me as a shameful, naughty girl that wanted "it". I was told that "he" was drawn to me and it was my fault that he desired me as he did. It was now my responsibility to satisfy those desires. If I didn't satisfy his desires, that meant there was something wrong with me. If I said "no", he would tell my family that I tried something with him. If I told, then I was bad. No matter how you looked at it, I was bad. I had only one choice and that was to keep my mouth shut and do what I was told.
This wrong thinking carried over into my teen years where emotional abuse of another kind took over and continued throughout my 9 year marriage. I craved approval and acceptance from the men in my life. The harder I tried to get this, the worse it got. My obsession, my compulsion for acceptance was viewed as big/scary feelings when I got involved with someone. I struggled to keep them so I can keep my self-worth. I panic. I am scared. I can't let go, but I can't hold on. I am so confused. I don't know how to do this. I can't let them leave because then I have to face the fact that I have no value. I don't want to believe it. My head tells me that it isn't true, yet I don't believe, my soul cannot accept that as truth. I hold on tight...too tight, afraid to let him go. Afraid to face my fears and realities. It hurts so much to know that I am not worthy. It pains me to know I have no value. It is devastating. Continue >>