Take all American women
who are within five years of menopause -
train us for a few weeks,
outfit us with automatic weapons,
grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15,
Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna...
drop us (parachuted, preferably)
across the landscape of Afghanistan,
and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it.
Our anger quotient alone,
even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping and paying bills,
is formidable enough
to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
We've had our children,
we would gladly suffer or die
to protect them and their future.
We'd like to get away from our husbands,
if they haven't left already.
And for those of us who are single,
the prospect of finding
a good man with whom to share life
is about as likely
as being struck by lightning.
We have nothing to lose.
We've survived the water diet,
the protein diet,
the carbohydrate diet,
and the grapefruit diet
in gyms and saunas across America
and never lost a pound.
We can easily survive months
in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan
with no food at all!
We've spent years
tracking down our husbands or lovers
in bars,
hardware stores,
or sporting events...
finding bin Laden in some cave
will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan
in a new government?
Oh,PUHLEEEZE...
we've planned the seating arrangements
for in-laws and extended families
at Thanksgiving dinners for years...
we understand tribal warfare.
Between us,
we've divorced enough husbands
to know every trick there is
for how they hide,
launder, or cover up bank accounts
and money sources.
We know how to find that money
and we know how to seize it...
with or without the government's help!
Let us go and fight.
The Taliban hates women.
Imagine their terror
as we crawl like ants--
with hot-flashes --
over their godforsaken terrain.
They wouldn't have a clue
how to fight back.
Complete surrender.
War over.
We'll be back in time
to cook dinner for the holidays.