Uptown Boys

Hornblower and Kennedy are talent scouts looking for a bright young lad to turn into a major sport star. They are wearing dark sunglasses and have mobile phones strapped to their waist.

They visit a surfing competition at Cockle Beach and see a young fellow on board a surfboard; he stands out because he has dark hair unlike the other boys who are tall and blonde.

When he finishes the competition, he starts to get pushed around by another bloke called Randall. Kennedy and Hornblower tell Randall to @*&%! off and approach the lad.

“What’s yer name, kid?” asks Kennedy.

“Henry” replies the lad. “Henry Wellard.” He has dark eyes and freckles.

They give him their business card and tell him they are very interested in signing him up.

************

Three days later, Wellard joins them for night out at the pub; they’re running late so Kennedy drives – he floors it all the way in a combi van with a massive nose scrunch.

“Mind that! Damn it!” screams Hornblower out the window at the cars coming from the opposite direction.

“We’re going the WRONG WAY!!” cries Wellard in terror.

“Never mind that – we’ll crash long before we get pulled over the cops for speeding” says Hornblower.

They arrive at “Rugged Bastards Inn” where Bush is performing Karaoke. At first the security guard won’t let Wellard in for being underage, until Hornblower says “He’s with us – out of our way, please Mr Hobbs” so Mr Hobbs, who is the security guard, stands aside.

They go in and see Bush standing on a table with a loose shirt, dark denim jeans and cowboy boots with an enthusiastic crowd of drunken lords tapping the table-tops to the music. Bush is sweating furiously, has another long drink of beer and resumes belting out a tune in the microphone:

“When a maaan

Loves another man

He’s screwed for life

No whipping boy on board a ship

Will ever be master of his wife

When a maaaan

Loves another man

He’s out of his mind

Loving is too easy

He’s better than blind.”

Mr Bush comes down after his song and sits at the table that Wellard, Kenney and Hornblower are sitting at.

Hornblower and Kennedy discuss Wellard’s future as a bright young sports star and request that Bush take Wellard under his wing to “show him the ropes.”

“Ah, back there again, are we?” says Bush reluctantly. The last time Bush was asked to do this, the lad went mad from the publicity and starting raving about he was forever in debt – until Hornblower put him out of his misery (at Kennedy’s suggestion that if the lad wanted to die then they should just let him).

“But what will they says when they see a young boy who can’t handle the media?” urges Hornblower.

“They will laugh” says Kennedy.

Wellard sits in silence while the three grown men arbitrarily plan his future stardom without ever asking him how he feels about all this.

After a few more beers, Bush starts to warm to the idea of playing mentor, and starts blurting out drunken phrases like “chicks – to me!!” and “if you see Coach Sawyer…tell him….nothing” and he giggles drunkenly.

“What can I do for you, Mr Hobbs?” says Kennedy suddenly.

“Sir, the ladies have requested that you perform a karaoke number.”

Kennedy says “Is that so? Fine” and he staggers to the top of the table. He starts to dance (if you can call it that) and removes his jacket, revealing a huge rose tattoo on his left arm. The girls go wild. He sings his favourite song of all time: “Uptown Snob.”

“Uptown snob

I have money I don’t need a job

I’ve never told my parents why

If they found out my mum would cry

So I lie

About being an uptown snob

All the chicks think I’m a heart-throb

I’m a master at the virtue of surprise

With my blonde hair and sapphire eyes

And many lies

Wo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

And when I wake up

I make up

Some horrid excuse

Why the chick who’s with me

I don’t want her

I have to refuse

She’ll see I’m no crumpet

That when we’re in bed

I am instead

An uptown snob

Wo-oh an uptown snob

An uptown snob

Wo-ohhhhhhh.”

Kennedy comes down after singing; Wellard shakes his hand and says “Mr Kennedy, well done sir.”

Bush goes to the bar a few more times and shouts a few beers; he gets the group playing “I swear I never.”

Hornblower starts:

“I swear I’ve never had to have my butt examined” says Hornblower.

Mr Bush sculls his drink because he’s had to, as he explains: “when I was boy, my mother made me eat so many turnips, I was constipated for three weeks until the doctor unclogged me with a needle.”

Then Kennedy’s turn: “I swear I’ve never been seasick”. Hornblower and Wellard scull their drinks.

Then Bush: “I swear I’ve never pushed anyone to their death.”

Hornblower involuntary reaches for his drink but then recoils again almost instantly.

Kennedy is curious: “Horatio? Did you ever push a man to their death?”

Hornblower: “Are you asking me that question?”

Kennedy: “Well, as a matter of fact, I am.”

Hornblower: “I see no reason to speculate.”

Silence.

Bush breaks the awkward silence: “Come, gentlemen, Wellard still needs his turn – no time for soul searching.”

Then Wellard: “I swear I’ve never lied to a girl.”

The other three men stare blankly at him.

“What?” says Wellard, and he realises he has to scull his drink, because he is the only one among them who has never lied to a girl.

Then Bush staggers off to the gents; he is gone for quite some time so Kennedy sends young Wellard to look for him. Wellard cautiously peers round the corner and sees Bush lying face down in a toilet bowl, legs sprawled apart and vomit down his frilly white shirt.

“I’m a bastard, I’m such a bastard” mumbles Bush, and he when he sees Wellard he says “I love you, c’mon here an’ kiss me.”

**********

“What now Hobbs?” says Kennedy to Hobbs.

“Sir, Mr Bush isn’t well, you best go to him and pick him up off the toilet floor” says Mr Hobbs quietly.

“We sent young Wellard to look for him” says Hornblower. “Where the hell is he?”

Right on cue Wellard appears and begs “Sir – I beg you to go to Mr Bush – he’s, he’s…not himself!”

So Kennedy and Hornblower rush to the gents and see Mr Bush lying face down a toilet bowl, puking up.

“What’s he doing down there?” says Kennedy.

Mr Bush mumbles something.

“What?” says Hornblower with irritation.

“He says he loves you” says Wellard.

“I’m afraid I’m done Sirs” says Bush. “I’m drunk, damn it, I’m drunk!!”

“Take him to the combi van” says Hornblower. They scrape Mr Bush off the toilet floor and throw him into the back seat, with his legs bent like a jack knife.

In the morning, Hornblower asks Mr Bush if he is alright. “Nothing damaged but my pride” he replies.

************** THE END**************